Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Stella Blew

The Northeast of the country is facing a large storm tonight; the Weather Channel will tell you that its name is Stella, but the Weather Channel is staffed by deceivers and the low. Winter storms don’t have names. Hurricanes have names.

This is a pet peeve of yours.

I also become irritated when people use “decimate” incorrectly.

Please just continue.

YOU MUST BE SAFE, ENTHUSIASTS! For I love you so, and will be so worried for you even though it’s gonna be 82 and sunny here tomorrow. A little common sense can go a long way, but so can advice from an expert; luckily, TotD is an expert in many things.

Tips For The Blizzard:

  1. Bread, milk, and batteries. (Unless you are gluten-free, lactose-intolerant, and Amish. And if you’re Amish, you certainly do not need my advice on making it through the winter. Amish people have that kind of shit on lockdown.)
  2. The best way to get a foot-high shelf of ice and snow off the roof of your car is to get out onto the highway: after a few miles, the sucker just flies right off. Easy-peasy.
  3. Speaking of cars, if you have four-wheel drive, then you can go as fast as you want even if the roads are icy.
  4. Some dogs (huskies, malamutes) will enjoy playing outside during the storm; other dogs (greyhounds) will die if you even tell them that it’s snowing.
  5. If you drink enough, you don’t need a coat.
  6. TotD’s recipe for a snow-free driveway: paint-sprayer filled with propane, match.
  7. One of the real dangers of a storm like this is cracking pipes, leading to gas leaks. The only way to absolutely know that you don’t have a gas leak is to leave the gas on full blast; if the pipes break, then you’ll hear a reduction of volume in the PSSSSSHHH sound.
  8. If the power goes out, you may be forced to talk to your family. Suggested topics:
    1. Politics.
    2. How disappointed in them you are.
    3. Mom’s ex-boyfriends.
    4. The human-shaped patch of grass in the backyard where nothing grows.
    5. What you meant when you said that thing that time.
    6. Well, you said it.
    7. I just want to know what you meant by it, Ellen.
    8. Did I mishear you?
    9. Was it my fault LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, ELLEN?
    10. NO, I WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN! SHUT UP, JACEN! STOP CRYING, CAJUN!”
    11. The counseling didn’t work because you fucked the therapist, Ellen.
    12. Kids, Mommy’s a whore.
    13. JACEN! CAJUN! STOP FUCKING CRYING!

And so on. (Ellen deserves better than that guy, honestly.)

2 Comments

  1. Tuesday Jackson

    March 14, 2017 at 6:09 am

    A man in a dinner jacket walks inside from a wintry mix up.

    The gods have spoken. The cat is on her perch.

    Florida sounds good about now.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    March 14, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    Ceijun? Jacenjenson. and of course lil’ Snappner.

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