Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Stone Jack Baller

The Grateful Dead Concert at Dillon Stadium on 31 July 1974. B&W Original Film Scan. Photograph taken with a Hasselblad Camera with Tri-X film. View of the Stage, Gear and the Wall of Sound.

I HAVE HIRED ROGER STONE.

Roger Stone the legendary Republican trickster?

HE LEFT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. THIS IS A GAMECHANGER.

Oh, God: are we seeing that this election cycle, too?

HE IS COMPLETELY AMORAL. IT IS FASCINATING.

Yeah, you might wanna be careful with that guy.

I DO NOT NEED TO BE CAREFUL: I HAVE A DISINTEGRATION GUN.

Uh-huh. Where is it?

OH, NO.

Did Roger Stone steal your disintegration gun?

HIM OR BILLY.

That’s a problem either way, isn’t it?

YES. I WILL BLAME A LOW-LEVEL STAFFER AND GET BACK TO TALKING ABOUT JOBS FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

That was nice work right there.

WHEN YOU SIGN THE PAPERS ENTERING THE RACE, A SMALL BOMB IS IMPLANTED IN YOUR BRAIN WHICH GOES OFF IF YOU DON’T SAY “THE AMERICAN PEOPLE” EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

Do you have an actual brain?

THERE IS A SECTION OF ME THAT COULD ACCURATELY BE DESCRIBED AS “BRAIN-LIKE”.

Okay. Anyway: what does Roger Stone think about your campaign?

HE THINKS THAT I SHOULD RUN ON ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

Why?

PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION WANT TO BUILD A WALL BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES AND MEXICO.

Right.

I AM A WALL.

Yeah, sure.

ROGER STONE ALSO THINKS I SHOULD BE ANTI-DRUG. HE SAYS I CAN COMBINE DRUGS AND IMMIGRATION INTO ONE MESSAGE.

And that is?

NUKE MEXICO.

Ah.

I FEEL THAT MAY CAUSE CONTROVERSY. ALSO, MEXICANS ARE LOVELY PEOPLE, EXCEPT FOR THE ASSHOLES.

That’s been my experience.

EVERYONE IS LOVELY, REALLY.

Russians?

THOSE WINTERS DO SOMETHING TO PEOPLE’S MINDS.

Yeah, maybe. You’re not actually gonna advocate nuking Mexico, are you.

I DO NOT ADVOCATE NUKING ANYTHING, EXCEPT THE TERRAFORMING FACILITIES ON LV-426.

It’s the only way to be sure.

I EMPATHIZE WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS: HUMANS BUILT THEM WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT WHETHER THEY COULD HANDLE THEM.

You’re very deep tonight.

ROGER STONE BROUGHT OVER EDIBLES. HIGH AS AN ELEPHANT’S BALLS.

You ever find that disintegration gun?

OH, SHIT.

42 Comments

  1. i think i like Phish more than the Dead now what do i do

  2. Hey elephant balls, how many more edibles before you’re higher than a Giraffe’s eyebrow?

  3. maggiemay, also known as swaggy maggie, you don’t have to choose one or the other. but i think that if you really look into it, you will see that the dead are a better band, more important culturally, and more likely to last you into old age. i am loving them now more than ever — especially with all of the shows totd and the comments crew are recommending. i have seen phish, and they are a nice little band. i was backstage at that concert, and even got into the bathtub onstage. but on this solemn day, as i listen to standing on the moon on infinite loop, i say, as your mother, that the dead are the more lasting choice. trey — cute. the bobster — cuter.

    • Dawn (Mom), that was such a wonderful comment. Thank you. 🙂 This is the kind of guidance I need! I asked Mr. Completely for some recommendations earlier today, and he suggested Springfield Civic Center (3/28/73) and I just got around to listening to it right now. As soon as they broke into the jam in Here Comes Sunshine I remembered why I love this band so damn much. So much going on all at once. Billy recently described their style as “dixieland” (which I admittedly love too), not due to the kind of music they play, but how they play it. Everyone is doing their own thing at once and it’s simply mind-bending. Grateful Dead is great music for musicians and hippies alike. 🙂

      Also very cool that you’ve been backstage at Phish!

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