The path back to power for the Democratic Party today, as it was in the 1990s, is unquestionably to move to the center and reject the siren calls of the left, whose policies and ideas have weakened the party. – “Back to the Center, Democrats” by Mark Penn and Andrew Stein, New York Times, 7/6/17


The path back to power for the Democratic Party today, as it was in the 1840s, is unquestionably to support slavery. Failing that, they must reject the shrill, hysterical, high-pitched voices of the left, some of whom speak with accents or perhaps in “jive.”

Since the 90’s, the Democratic Party has increasingly turned to identity politics, which is a phrase that means “noticing some Americans aren’t straight and white” and this has clearly failed. The Dems must stop pandering to minorities and start catering to white men. You must also reject class warfare. America is a classless society, we have been told by many rich people, and this issue is a non-starter.

Central to the party’s failure has been the loss of support among working-class voters, which is not a euphemism. Instead of just throwing everyone in jail and letting cops shoot whomever they wanted, the Democrats became mired in political correctness, such as the so-called “bathroom bills,” which as we’ll all recall were the idea of the Democrats, and not that the Dems were just responding to acts of wanton and stupid cruelty.

The Democrats must stop trying to “help” people with their “social programs” and “healthcare,” and instead allow Milo Yioannopolis to speak at their convention, and begin praising those brave patriots who murder abortion doctors. It might not hurt to have a few prominent Democratic leaders shoot a few abortionists themselves.

By continuing to push for the leftist agenda of fair wages, affordable healthcare, and civil rights for all, the Democratic Party will continue to appeal only to the fringe whackadoodles who subscribe to those frankly Bolshevik ideas.

Opioids, Democrats. (Also not a euphemism, swear to God.) The road to the White House is paved with opioids.