Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Stop Dog

Continuing with the canine theme, these are Things TotD Frowns Upon (Dog Edition)

  • Cropping their ears. (Painful and unnecessary.)
  • Bobbing their tails. (Cruel and unnecessary.)
  • Drawing eyebrows on them. (Funny, but still unnecessary.)
  • Including them in your food fetishes. Dogs are not vegans, nor do they have opinions on Monsanto.
  • Don’t give the goddamned dog any goddamned tofu.
  • Do not let that animal get fat.
  • Society will judge you for it.
  • I sure as hell will.
  • Jam the Kentucky Fried directly up your humongous ass for all I care: you’re a grown-ass human being.
  • Leave the dog out of your late-night drive-thru runs.
  • You may feed your dog peanut butter, though, because that is never not funny.
  • First their mouths start going up and down real smackily: mmSHMak mmSHMak, and then the tongue gets in on the action and goes FSHLURP fft fft FSHLURP fft fft.
  • It goes on for a while, as dogs lack thumbs and therefore cannot scrape the peanut butter off the roofs of their mouths.
  • Nor can they go to the fridge for milk.
  • Do not name your dog something stupid.
  • For example, it was once very funny to give a dog a really human name.
  • Tom Abernathy.
  • The joke’s run its course.
  • Stick with the classics: Lucky, Buddy, Shithead.
  • Nothing pretentious. Do not name your dog after Coltrane or Glenn Branca; it is an animal that eats its own doody.
  • Nor are comedy names allowed.
  • In concept, it is very funny to name a pooch “Tushee,” so that you may wander around asking people is they’ve gotten to know your Tushee.
  • In execution, it makes you a dick.
  • Enthusiasts are in pole position when it comes to dog names: it is always acceptable to name your pet after a band member or song lyric.
  • If you’re a Deadhead, it’s kinda mandatory to name Sheepdogs Jerry.
  • Stop putting dogs in people clothes.
  • Dog clothes, too.
  • There shouldn’t even be dog clothes.
  • “Grandpa, how did you know that America was on the decline?”
  • “I woke up one morning and the dog clothing industry was a billion-dollar business; I then realized that everyone had lost their fucking minds. Go bring Gramps his pills. The big red ones.”
  • If you live in a city with a lot of snow and rock salt and shit on the ground, then doggy booties are permissable.
  • You must, however, film the first time the dog puts the boots on.
  • People who fight dogs should be put away for the rest of their natural lives.
  • People who sex dogs should be…I’m going to be honest: I have no idea what to do with these people.
  • I’m pretty confident in backing a position of “dogfuckers should be sent somewhere” but the specific locale is beyond me.
  • Philly?
  • Settled: all dogfuckers get sent to Philadelphia.
  • We got something accomplished tonight.


  1. A friend of mine named his dog Keith Richards. Our vet is James Brown. Keith Richards get his prescriptions from Dr. James Brown.

  2. Why do you think William Penn and his brethren were sent here?

  3. Be the person your dog thinks you are.

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