Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Strike Three

It’s tough to get thrown out of baseball It’s a lot easier to get thrown out of a country than to get thrown out of baseball. Paul McCartney got thrown out of Japan for some weed; that would not get you thrown out of baseball.

Baseball has put up with untold levels of bullshit over the years: cheating and drugs and players using the bats to strike one another instead of on the field of play. You can drive drunk or wade into the stands to beat a fan (true, Ty Cobb, plus the fan had no hands) or you can get in a fistfight with your manager in the dugout on national television (also true, Reggie Jackson and Billy Martin, plus Billy Martin had no hands).

There’s been wife-beaters and addicts and outright drug dealers; a player hits a reporter once every several years. Fidel Castro once tried out for the Dodgers, and then he went on to become a dictator. He is not banned from baseball.

The Black Sox managed it, by fixing the 1919 World Series, and Pete Rose did, for betting on anything that moved and then being a dick about it. Now, a Met (of course) named Jenrry Mejia has achieved the near-impossible by failing his third steroid test, this dirty result coming while he was serving the suspension for the second strike.

Congratulations, Jenrry.

As I said, it’s hard to get a lifetime ban from Major League Baseball, but it’s doable. Here are Things That Will Get You Banned From Baseball:

  • Regicide.
  • If it were just homicide, we could discuss a suspension.
  • Being a double-agent for hockey.
  • Don’t give me any of that Matt LeBlanc bullshit: bring a chimp onto the field and you’re banned.
  • Slaving.
  • Serial killing, but not spree killing.
  • Obviously, if a third baseman for the Pirates walks into PetSmart with an Uzi, then he is fired; I’m talking about real serial killing.
  • The kind they have to excavate your yard over.
  • The third baseman will be in jail then, so the banning would be a symbolic affair, but it would happen.
  • Also symbolic would be the posthumous ban of the Pirate who rushed the cockpit on a team flight and steered the plane into the side of a mountain.
  • Suicide bombing of any sort, even if it’s for a very good cause.
  • Pepper.
  • Demonic invocation.
  • Moronic invocation. (Teaching dumb guys to sing, then pushing them off a cliff.)
  • If you are a werewolf, then you will be thrown out of baseball.
  • This is racist against werewolfs.
  • Baseball needs a werewolf Jackie Robinson, who will be strong enough to withstand–with quiet and steely dignity–the taunts of the unenlightened crowds.
  • “GO HOME, WEREWOLF!”
  • “YOU CAN’T MARRY MY DAUGHTER!”
  • “MARRY? WHAT? HE ATE THREE WOMEN LAST MONTH! HE IS A CURSED HALFLING AND WHILE THERE’S A CROWD OF US, WE SHOULD KILL HIM!”
  • Maybe the “no werewolf” rule is a good one, after all; that last guy does have a point.
  • Cannibalism.
  • Manimalism. (That’s when you have the ability to turn into any animal, but for budgetary reasons, only turn into a hawk or a snake or a “black panther” that is clearly a painted cougar.)
  • If you ban baseball for life, then baseball will ban you right back.
  • Baseball petty like that.
  • If you burn down two stadiums, then that will be a lifetime ban.
  • Anyone can burn down one baseball stadium: accidents happen.
  • Two is a pattern.
  • Ethnic cleansing, even just a little.
  • Methnic cleansing is similarly a prescription for a ban. (Methnic cleansing is when you get all gakked on the shabu and kill a bunch of Armenians.)
  • Similarly, armed insurrection will be met with a lifetime ban from baseball.
  • Unarmed insurrection, which is when an evil government is defeated using karate, is just fine.

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