Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Stuck In The Middle With You


band 88 bw


  • Phil is roughly 1.29 Mickeys high.
  • Brent is straight-up jingling his keys. doing his Hanon exercises, counting his change, milking his shake, shaking his milk, putting away his toys, stroking the place that makes him a bad boy.
  • Bobby and Garcia heard you been talking shit.
  • Things Mickey does because it is his nature: drum, physically assault people, wear Dead stuff, assume superhero poses whenever a camera’s present.
  • Phil wants to show you his imported tentacle porn.
  • Or his van.
  • Or his deathnipples.
  • Billy never had these feelings before. Especially not about Mickey: Jesus, he was the man’s brother drummer! That would be like getting wood from your sister and banging her in the closet of Uncle Al’s 60th birthday party. (After Uncle Al walked in on the incestuous closet-banging, he had a massive heart attack, so the theme was quickly changed to “wake.”)
  • But there it was: that tingle in his dingle which meant Billy’s heart had a boner. And Billy’s boners weren’t like the dumb boners of old, just chucked out of the trousers in vain hopes of hitting the ground; no, Billy’s boners were like today’s smart boners: steerable, programmable, and deadly accurate; one made it down a chimney once. This boner had a name on it, and the name was Mickey.
  • Billy was desperate: perhaps Mickey had secretly been a stone-cold teen fox all this time? Like a Mrs. Doubtfire deal? Billy rejected that one on the grounds that he had seen Mickey naked 18 billion times. That’s a conservative guess.
  • A potion? Voodoo? Santeria? Any other of the ethnic magics? A curse from an ancient Eastern European, one of those places where everyone there is an 85-year-old woman? Had that goddamn Time Sheath technology spawned another zap gun that turned people gay? (Again.)
  • No matter: Billy’s hand was creeping towards Mickey’s crotch, that heaping bowl of potato salad, and creeping slowly but steadily and then Mickey…
  • “HIYA!” and smacks Billy’s hand.
  • “You were up to your no-good dickpunching ways, William.”
  • “Huh? I wasn’t…YES, I was going to punch you in the dick. Because I’m Billy and that’s hat I do to dicks. Punch them.”
  • “But I thwarted you with the Judo that America taught me while I served in her Air Forces!”
  • “Why are you talking like Superman?”
  • “It’s a photo shoot thing. I stand like this, and sometimes–“
  • “Oh, right: you get into it.”
  • “–I get into it and kinda get all Clark Kenty. What were we talking about?”
  • “I don’t remember.”
  • No joke: Garcia and Bobby are sending some folks to the hospital tonight.

1 Comment

  1. Phil and Bobby have a bet on who can hold a dime clenched between their asscheeks longer. This photo was taken on day 6. Later that same day, Bobby bent over to pick up a titanium mountain bike seat post (that Phil had strategically placed on the floor at Front St.) As he bent over, his cheeks spread wide, the dime fell, and Phil won.

    This is NOT it the origin of the expression “to drop a dime.”

    It IS the origin of the name “Widespread Panic.”

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