It seems that we’re all in agreement that these upcoming Sochi games will end in blood. Slightly less disastrous was the time the Dead attended the Winter Olympiad…

Keith was assigned the bobsled and immediately drove the thing through the front window of a bank, which isn’t even possible. he was fine, but then he ate all of the pain pills the doctor had given him and then he wasn’t fine anymore. The other bobsledders ended up kind of bowling him down the track and, wouldn’t you know: that son of a bitch won the bronze.

They tried playing Garcia in goal at ice hockey because fat guy, but a strange thing happened when they put him on the ice: Garcia sprawled out like a starfish. “SAD PANDA. SAD PANDA,” he pleaded with tears in his eyes, and then he started making this unholy noise.

Bah-rooOOOOOOOOO. Bah-roooOOOOOOOOO. Over and over and, you know: if it were Bobby was doing it, there would be procedures to follow, but this was Garcia and it was making people nervous, so Billy hopped in the Zamboni and ran over three Canadians as a distraction while Parish fireman-carried Garcia out of there.

Pig declined the invitation entirely, correctly deducing that, and I am quoting, “my type a’ pussy ain’t gonna be there.”

Bobby was a pretty good skier, but when it was time for his race, he was in the chalet working on a drink and a fox and didn’t much care to compete.

Phil was told there was nothing but snow everywhere, and when he got there and found out that, while technically not a lie, that description was more than a bit disingenuous, Phil was ripshit for, like, five minutes before some dirty hippie wandered by and recognized him and gave him some drugs. Then he was better, but from then on, if you said ‘winter Olympics’ around Phil, he would retort ‘winter suck MY dicks’ and it wasn’t funny the first time, so people excluded him from figure-skating related conversations after a while.

Punched in the dick by Billy: Torvill, Dean, Peggy Fleming, Peggy Fleming’s haircut, six separate teenagers who were wearing the mascot costume, Brent while he was wearing the mascot costume, Brent in his street clothes, a reindeer, Bob Costas, an interdimensional trickster being named the Spirit of Winter Promises, and the inventor of the ski jump, Johann von Skijump.