Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Superpowers Left Off The Superpower Wiki, Which Is An Actual Thing*

  • Bulletproof hair.
  • Being able to psychically know what Monsanto’s stock price is at any given moment.
  • Necrography. (Super corpse-photography.)
  • Ability to change the hunger level of everyone in the area from “peckish” to “ravenous.”
  • Flight from jurisdiction.
  • Self-induced comas.
  • Super-politeness.
  • Dick made out of pancakes and you cum maple syrup; the Avengers have not returned any of your calls.
  • Refrigerator repair.
  • Monk-belief inducement. (You can make people think they’re monks. Not as helpful as being super-strong or smart, but always good for a laugh; plus, sometimes when people think they’re monks, they will take off all their world clothes and give them to you, and there is usually money in their pockets.)
  • Being really good at cyber.
  • Solve any riddle.
  • You can fly, but only two feet off the ground, and you have to do the Superman pose, so you would be at waist-height to most of the world, and you could only go at normal walking pace.
  • Tachyon field-reversal.
  • The power to generate beams of incredible force from your eyes and also from a team of overworked CG animators in South Korea.

*Here ya go. I wasn’t lying. It’s an actual thing that actual people used their actual time on.


  1. “being really good at cyber.”


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