Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Survival Tips From Your Friend TotD

  • When venturing into the wilderness, let officials and family know, so they have an easier time finding your corpse after the spring thaw.
  • If you’re trapped on a mountain with Olivia D’Abo, then you should use her cello case as a sled to get down the slope quickly.
  • Vultures circling overhead is a sign of water.
  • Speaking of water, “don’t drink seawater” is an overstatement: you can have a few glasses a day, but only if you’re really thirsty.
  • Finally on the topic of water, if you’re in a survival situation and your only drinking water has a dead animal in it, try to drink from upstream.
  • The best way to find True North is not by reading a compass, but by listening to your heart.
  • If you’re on a camping or hiking trip and get lost, and it’s 100% one guy’s fault, you are allowed to murder him; it’s the law of the wild.
  • In a valley, go up.
  • On a mountain, go down.
  • If you’re lost in Kansas, or on the Steppe, then you will have no choice other than to stay at the altitude you’re at.
  • The best way to determine whether berries are poisonous is to rub them on your genitals.
  • That advice applies to snakes, too: always rub snakes on your genitals.
  • Some bears are friendly, but you won’t know until you hug them.
  • You can make an improvised sleeping bag out of leaves, dirt, a taunton, or the guy who got you lost.
  • If you come upon a gorilla in a clearing, then you are in Africa and are way more lost than you thought; I cannot help you anymore, and you are probably going to die.
  • But if you don’t want the gorillas to pluck your head from your body and let the gorilla children play games with it, then you should avoid eye contact, keep your head lower than the silverback’s, and make a grunting double-vocalization (“HUH-huh”) to let them know you mean no harm.
  • Also, if you have bananas, give them the fucking bananas.
  • If the gorilla throws barrels at you, leap over them.
  • For those caught in nature without an easy means of making fire: well, who told you to quit smoking?
  • Fire can be produced using the following methods: flint and steel; Zippo lighter with “FUCK COMMUNISM” engraved on it; giant magnifying glass; 8-year-old Drew Barrymore; rubbing two sticks together; rubbing two dicks together (it takes much longer than the sticks); using the mighty hammer Mjolnir to summon lightning onto some kindling; looking wrong at a hover-board; leaving Garcia unattended for ten minutes or so.

4 Comments

  1. when will a google search of ‘thoughts on the dead’ show this site?

    I-)

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