Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: 1970 (page 2 of 7)

Room Of State

“AH HAD NOT FINISHED INNERDUCIN’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA.”

“Oh. I, uh, thought you had completed the introductions.”

“YOU AIN’ PAID T’ THINK, NIX. YOU PAID T’ LEAD.”

“True, true. Elvis, you’re a wiser man than people know.”

“YEAH, AH KNOW LOTSA SHIT. MISTER PRESIDENT, THIS HERE IS MISS MARY. SHE IS MAH COOK AT GRACELAND.”

“How do you do, Miss Mary.”

“SHE MAKES ME MAH SAN’WICHES AN’ MAH BREAKFASTS  AN’ ALSO MAH BREAKFAST SAN’WICHES.”

“Breakfast sandwich, Elvis?”

“MAN, YOU THROW COUPLE EGGS AN’ A POUND O’ BACON ON A REG’LAR SAN’WICH. BAM: BREAKFAST SAN’WICH.”

“I see.”

“ONNA WEEKEND, MAYBE YOU TOSS A SHORT STACK O’ PANCAKES ON THERE. THASS A MEAL FIT F’R THE KING. WHATCHOO USUALLY EAT, NIX?”

“Nixon is a light eater, very light. Poached egg in the morning. Coffee, black. Sandwich for lunch. Ham is fine, but the mustard shouldn’t have too much personality to it. Dinner is generally roast beef, maybe lamb. I enjoy cottage cheese. There are other cheeses, but the cottaged variety is the one I’m most familiar with. Perhaps some strawberry ice cream late at night. Little treat.”

“THASS TH’ MOST DEPRESSIN’ GODDAM THING AH’VE EVER HEARD, NIX. AH’M GONNA HAVE MISS MARY COOK YOU UP SOME DEEP-FRIED WHIPPED CREAM AN’ PORK.”

“That doesn’t sound appetizing, Elvis. No, thank you.”

“CATFISH AN’ BANANA SAN’WICH?”

“No.”

“CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK?”

“No.”

“STEAK-FRIED CHICKEN?”

“Elvis, I’m not hungry.”

“THEN ALLOW ME T’ CONTINUE T’ KEEP INNERDUCING MY LOYAL ENTOURAGE. THASS A FRENCH WORD, NIX: ENTOURAGE. MEANS ‘A BUNCHA GUYS WHO THINK YER AWESOME.'”

“Yes, fine.”

“THIS IS FUJI. HE ADVISES ME ON KARATE.”

“Hello, Fuji.”

“THAT AIN’ HIS NAME, BUT NONE OF US C’N PRONOUNCE HIS REAL ONE. THIS MAN HERE, NIX? HE IS A DANG LIVIN’ WEAPON. GOT THE EYES OF A PREDATOR, BUT SQUINTY. YOU DROP THIS HERE BOY IN VIETNAM? WAR’S OVER IN A WEEK.”

“A week?”

“IF THAT.”

“I will take that under advisement, Elvis.”

“YOU HEARD O’ BLACK BELTS, NIX? THIS MAN GOT BLACK SUSPENDERS. FUJI! CHOP THAT COUCH IN HALF!”

KARATE!

“HOW ‘BOUT THAT?”

“Elvis, please stop destroying the Oval Office.”

“AH DID NOT DESTROY ANYTHIN’, MERELY FACILITATED TH’ COUCH’S DEMISE.”

“Don’t argue semantics with me, mister. This isn’t some Las Vegas showroom: it’s the White House. Have some respect.”

“AH WILL REIMBURSE BOTH YOU AND AMERICA HERSELF F’R THE COUCH.”

“Fine, fine.”

“AN’ THIS HERE’S MAH BAND.”

“What?”

BAAAAAH!

BAAAAAH!

BAAAAAH!

BUM-BAAAAH!

BUM-BUM

BUM-BUM

BUM-BUM

“Where did they even come from?”

“DON’ WORRY ‘BOUT THAT, NIX. YOU LIKE THAT INTRO MUSIC? AH STOLE IT FROM THAT BORING SPACE MOVIE WHERE TH’ GAY SPACESHIP KILLS THEM TWO GUYS.”

“Just knock it off. No music in here.”

“TAKE FIVE, BOYS. SWEET INSPIRATIONS, YOU TOO.”

“Elvis, how many people have you brought with you.”

“THASS A GOOD QUESTION. LET’S FIND OUT T’GETHER. THIS HERE IS MAH PERSONAL CROUPIER, HARRY EYEBALLS.”

“Personal croupier?”

“NEVER KNOW WHEN A DICE GAME GONNA BREAK OUT, NIX.”

“True, true.”

“THIS TH’ KHALEESI. SHE TH’ MOTHER OF DRAGONS.”

“Khaleesi.”

“THIS HERE’S A MAN AH CALL TH’ HUMAN PYRAMID.”

“Why is that?”

“REASON’S O’ MY OWN.”

“Sure, playing it close to the chest. Good thinking, Elvis.”

“AN’ THIS HERE’S A GIRL FROM NEW YORK CITY. SHE CALLS HERSELF TH’ HUMAN TRAMPOLINE.”

“Ah. And she, uh, tumbled into Graceland?”

“GRACELAND.”

“Graceland.”

“MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE. YESSIR.”

“God bless America, Elvis.”

“THASS RIGHT, NIX.”

Let Me Make Nothing Perfectly Clear

“Elvis, what the hell is happening?”

“NIX, AH THINK WE DONE ITERATED.”

“Say that again?”

“ISS CALLED CHARACTER ESSENTIALISM. IMPORTANT CONCEPT ‘F THIS HOOEY IS GONNA MAKE ANY SENSE, MAN.”

“Dammit, King, you’re talking gobbledygook. Why do you look like that? Why am I wearing a hairpiece? When did the Oval Office stop being black and white? Answer Nixon!”

“HOL’ THEM HORSES, MISTER PRES’DENT!”

“I think I’m freaking out, Elvis.”

“JENKINS! COME QUICK, AMERICA NEEDS YOU!”

“Yes, sir. Here I–”

“Who the hell are you two?”

“SETTLE, BOY.”

“Jenkins, it’s me! Nixon!”

“I’m getting the Secret Serv–”

BANG!

“Elvis, you shot Jenkins.”

“AH DID NOT SHOOT THE JENKINS. AH SHOT A JENKINS.”

“You’re right. That’s not my Jenkins. Looks like Tom Hanks’ kid.”

“WE ALL EXIST IN ALL POSSIBLE REALITIES, NIX. ARE YOU AWARE OF THE THEORY OF NARRATIVE TRANSUPERSTANTIATION?”

“No.”

“THASS A SHAME. IT REALLY DOES EXPLAIN ALL THIS.”

“I think I could use one of those pills, Elvis.”

“LEAPER?”

“No.”

“CREEPER?”

“No.”

“L’IL BO PEEPER?”

“Just give me a damn valium, Elvis.”

“AH ALREADY SLIPPED SEVERAL INNA YER DOCTOR PEPPER.”

“What!? You drugged the President of the United States of America? This is treason! This is sedition! How dare you! I thought we were friends, Elvis! This has become a nightmare! A nightmare! A nightmare!”

“Mr. Vice-President! Mr. Vice-President! Wake up, sir. You’re having a nightmare.”

“Haroo?”

“You were shouting about something called an Elvis.”

“Oh, Jenkins. It was terrible. I was the president and some lunatic in a dracula costume drugged me. He said he had a Time Cape, Jenkins.”

“Why are you capitalizing that phrase, sir?”

“He told me to.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Jenkins, why is the sun on the wrong side of the plane?”

“THISS YER CAPTAIN SPEAKIN’. WE GONNA BE IN VEGAS IN ‘BOUT AN HOUR. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH F’R FLYIN’ ON THE LISA MARIE.”

“Nooooooooo!”

Three’s A Crowd

“AH’M GONNA MAKE YER BOY DANCE LIKE A MONKEY, NIX.”

“Elvis, I cannot back that plan. Jenkins, while slothful and confused, is a loyal man. He serves Nixon, and that means he serves America.”

“DO TH’ WATUSI, BOY!”

“Stop it, Elvis. Jenkins, get out. You’re riling up the King.”

“Should I still get the doctor, sir?”

“INFORM TH’ DOCTOR THAT MAH HEEBIES ARE NO LONGER ACTING UP.”

“Yes, sir.”

“NEVER INTERRUPT ME, BOY! MAH JEEBIES ARE IN OVERDRIVE!”

“Are they two diseases, sir?”

“NIX, YER BOY ABOUT T’ GET KARATE ALL OVER HISSELF.”

“Dammit, Jenkins, get out!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Ignore him, Elvis.”

“IGNORE WHO, NIX?”

“You live entirely in the present, don’t you?”

“LESS TALK ABOUT NAZIS, MAN.”

“National Socialism? That’s the worst kind of socialism, and that’s saying something. It’s like being the ugliest girl in Trenton, New Jersey.”

“AH DO SO APPRECIATE YER SIMILES.”

“The Nazi is the lowest of men, and must be destroyed. Foul and perverse people, Nazis.”

“WORSE THAN TH’ COMMIES?”

“No question. Not even a contest. Nazis are evil. Communists aren’t evil, just wrong. Nothing good about a Nazi. You don’t treat Jews that way, Elvis. You don’t have to let them in your country club, but you shouldn’t round them up.”

“THROUGH MAH TRAVELS IN HOLLYWOOD AN’ SHOW BUSINESS, AH HAVE MET MANY JEWISH PEOPLE AN’ EATEN MANY OF THEIR FINE SAN’WICHES.”

“Yes, their sandwiches are enormous. I can’t watch Kissinger eat lunch. It’s like watching a python swallow a deer.”

“BEFORE THE JEWS, NO ONE EVER THOUGHT TO PUT A PICKLE NEXT TO YOUR LUNCH. NOW WHEN AH HAVE SAN’WICHES OF A GENTILE NATURE, AH START LOOKIN’ ROUND THE ROOM FOR A JEW T’ BRING ME A PICKLE.”

“What the hell were we talking about?”

“NO IDEA, NIX, BUT NOW AH’M HUNGRY.”

“I can, uh, have the White House chef make you anything you’d like.”

“DOES HE HAVE A DEEP FRYER?”

“I believe so.”

“LEAD ME TO HIM, NIX. AH HAVE MANY SPECIFIC DEMANDS.”

“Let’s go.”

“YOU EVER HAVE A FLUFFERNUTTER FRITTER?”

“I don’t even know what that is, Elvis.”

“OH, MAN, YOUR MOUTH IS GONNA SHIT YOUR PANTS.”

“I, uh, enjoy your metaphors, Elvis.”

“NIX, YER MAH GUY. LESS GO ON A ROAD TRIP.”

“Nixon and Elvis in a Cadillac blasting across America, getting into adventures and discovering the meaning of friendship?”

“UH-HUH.”

“I will take it under advisement.”

Suspicious Hearts And Minds

“YER BOY IS GETTIN’ ALL UP ON ME, NIX.”

“Stand down, Jenkins.”

“Sorry, sir. I had that water Mr. Presley had requested.”

“THAT WAS A DAMN WEEK AGO, MAN! ME AN’ THE PRES’DENT BEEN TO CHINA AN’ BACK ALREADY!”

“What?”

“Get out, Jenkins.”

“LEAVE TH’ DANG WAWA!”

“Leave the wawa and get out, Jenkins.”

“AH AIN’T NEVER SEEN SUCH POOR CHARLIE HODGIN’! AH DID NOT EVEN REQUEST A SCARF, AN’ YET HE COULD NOT FULFILL HIS APPOINTED TASK.”

“Very hard to get good help. Tough to keep people.”

“THEY GO ON T’ OTHER JOBS?”

“No, they get indicted.”

“MISTER PRES’DENT, YOU NEED SOME O’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA TO DO ANYTHIN’ AROUND HERE, YOU JUST ASK. IN MAH OPNION, RED WEST WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT SECRETARY OF TH’ TREASURY.”

“How is he qualified for the post?”

“HE HOLDS MAH WALLET.”

“I’ll keep him in mind, Elvis. Dammit, King, we need to stop dicking around. They’ve already sworn the madman in.”

“NIX, ISS WEIRD THAT YOU DON’ UNDERSTAN’ THE RAMIFICATIONS OF HAVIN’ A TIME MACHINE.”

“Right! Right, yes. This is new to Nixon. I understand time as an arrow.”

“NAW, MAN. TIME IS A RIVER, AND WITH THE POWER O’ THE TIME CAPE, WE BECOME LIFEGUARDS WITH X-RAY VISION, AN’ CAN SWIM WHENEVER WE WANT AN’ NEVER GET WET.”

“Elvis, that didn’t even make sense by your standards.”

“MAH HEEBIE-JEEBIES ARE ACTIN’ UP.”

“Oh, no. Should I send for the White House physician?”

“THAT DEPENDS. IS HE A FAN O’ MINE?”

“I believe he is, Elvis.”

“BRING HIM UNTO ME.”

“Yes, yes. Jenkins? Jenkins!”

“AH TOL’ YOU THAT BOY IS USELESS AS A DICK ON A TENNIS RACKET.”

“You’re getting worse, Elvis! Your metaphors have lost all coherency. Jenkins, fetch the doctor.”

“Our doctor, sir? Or the one Elvis brought with him that’s been shooting morphine into the secretaries?”

“Ours, Jenkins.”

“BOTH, JENKINS.”

“Yes, sirs.”

“Elvis, lay down on that couch. The doctor will be here in a moment.”

“AH FEEL WOOZY.”

“Okay, son.”

“THASS A FUN WORD T’ SAY, NIX. ‘WOOZY.’ TRY IT, MAN. MAKES YER MOUTH FEEL LIKE THERE’S A PARTY GOIN’ ON.”

“You’re delirious, Elvis. Lay down. I will be in the next room.”

“WHERE YOU GOIN’?”

“I am still consolidating our power. I believe that the urban initiative I launched yesterday is paying off, but I must speak to some more dignitaries.”

“YOU A MASTER OF REALPOLITIC, NIX.”

“Yes.”

“AH WILL BE HERE GOIN’ THROUGH YOUR DESK LOOKIN’ FOR LOOSE POLICE BADGES.”

“Okay. Be right back.”

“Can your country count on you, Mr. Brown?”

“MY HEEBIE-JEEBIES ACTIN’ UP!”

“Oh, God, another one.”

Mood

Yeah, I know how you feel, buddy.

“The ol’ Pig just don’t know what t’ say.”

Me, either.

“Least a Nazi got punched.”

There’s that.

“But one got inaugurated, too!”

There’s also that.

“Nobody done showed up!”

That’s good.

“‘Cept the fella with th’ Bible that swore him in.”

That’s bad.

“Dumb and vicious is a bad combo, brother. I advise you to find a feisty negress, a bottle of whiskey, and join a rock and roll outfit.”

That’s the best advice I’ve heard all day.

“I dunno. ‘Always punch Nazis’ is pretty good.”

True.

 

A Gifted Man

“NIX, BEFORE WE UNDERTAKE THIS PERILOUS JOURNEY TO RESCUE THE FUTURE FROM ITSELF, AH WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH SOME FINE GIFTS.”

“Oh. Yes, of course. Thank you, Elvis. Are all of the gifts pills?”

“NO, SIR. NOT ALL.”

“Elvis, I keep telling you: Nixon doesn’t do quaaludes.”

“AW, C’MON, NIX: LIVE A LITTLE. LUDE UP WITH TH’ KING.”

“No, thank you.”

“LESS GET LUDED, MAN.”

“Elvis: no.”

“AH’LL BE LUDE FERRIGNO, AN’ YOU BE LUDE GOSSETT, JR.”

“Dammit, King, this is 1970. You wouldn’t know who either of those people are yet.”

“THE CONTINUITY OF THIS HERE UNIVERSE GOT A FLOATING TIMELINE, MR. PRESIDENT.”

“Y’know, just when I start to understand this bullshit, the rules change.”

“AH HAVE GIFTS OTHER’N PILLS, NIX. PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF MAHSELF.”

“Thank you, Elvis.”

“THIS A L’IL BITTY BOTTLE O’ SHAMPOO AH STOLE FROM MAH HOTEL. AH GIVE IT TO YOU.”

“Well, the White House stewards generally provide toiletries, but thank you for the gift. What hotel are you staying at?”

“BIG OL’ PLACE CALLED THE WATERGATE.”

“I’ve never been.”

“YOU SHOULD STOP IN, MAN. THEY DO A HELLUVA STEAK SAN’WICH.”

“Can’t be too thick. Sometimes you get a steak sandwich and there’s half-a-foot of meat in there. I don’t need that much steak. I’m not a puma.”

“AH AM A PUMA.”

“Yes, fine, you’re a puma.”

“AH ALSO PRESENT TO YOU AND YOUR WUNNERFUL FAMILY A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME AN’ MY WUNNERFUL FAMILY.”

“A lovely family you have, Elvis.”

“THASS ME IN TH’ MIDDLE. AH AM THE ONE IN TH’ CAPE.”

“Yes, I recognized you.”

“LOOK HOW GOOD AH LOOK.”

“You take care in your appearance.”

“THASS MAH LOVELY WIFE, PRISCILLA AN’ THASS MAH BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL, LISA-MARIE.”

“You’re a lucky man, Elvis.”

“AN’ THASS MAH KNOCK-KNEED, EIGHT-TOOTHED, DRAFT-DODGIN’, GREASE-COLLECTIN’, BANJO-DICKED HOBBIT OF A DADDY–”

“Vernon.”

“–VERNON. AN’ RIGHT NEXT T’ HIM IS CHARLIE HODGE.”

“The man who brings you your scarves and water.”

“AH SWEAR YOU GOTTA MIND LIKE A BEAR TRAP, MR. PRESIDENT.”

“This is what the people don’t understand. How much detail-work this job entails, Memos, meetings, phone calls, relationships. The presidency is a juggling act, Elvis.”

“C’N YOU DO BOWLING PINS?”

“I was speaking metaphorically.”

“AS WAS AH, SIR. AH HAVE STILL MORE GIFTS FOR YOU.”

“Elvis, are you just giving me random shit from your pockets?”

“NOT ALL OF IT. THIS BOOK AH HAVE CHOSEN SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU. IT IS ON THE SECRETS OF LEMURIA.”

“Do they have oil?”

“NO, SIR.”

“Not interested. Listen, Elvis, time is growing tight. We need to get on the stick and get to the future.”

“UH-HUH. YOU KNOW WE GOT A TIME MACHINE, RIGHT? WE CAN LEAVE WHENEVER WE WANT AN’ WE WON’T BE LATE.”

“Ah, yes. Then we have time to discuss my latest gambit.”

“WE CAN GO T’ VEGAS IF YOU WANT, NIX.”

“Gambit, Elvis. There’s bad news from the waterfront.”

“AW, NO. DON’ TELL ME THEM MERCENARIES DIED!”

“Worse.”

“YOU PAID ‘EM UPFRONT, DIDN’T YOU?”

“Just half.”

“AW, MAN.”

“Nothing to worry about, Elvis.”

“NOTHIN’ TO WORRY ABOUT? MAN, WE LOST THE DAMN CHINESE, AN’ NOW WE AIN’T GOT ANY NAVY! ISS GONNA BE JUSS YOU AN’ ME.”

“No, no. I have another friend who will help us rally some truly helpful support.”

“ALL RIGHT, NIX! YOU A GREAT AMERICAN, MAN.”

“Sammy, can you talk to the blacks for me?”

“Yes, I can.”

Buckle Up, It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Ride

“YOU SEE THIS BELT BUCKLE, NIX?”

“Tough to miss it, Elvis.”

“AH’LL GET YOU ONE. AN’ THAT GREEK FELLA YOU SEND OUT T’ BE MEAN T’ PEOPLE. WHASS THAT OL’ BOY’S NAME?”

“I believe you’re speaking about Spiro Agnew, King. He’s the Vice-President.”

“UH-HUH. WE SHOULD BRING HIM ALONG T’ 2017. AH THINK HE’D BE GOOD ON TWITTER.”

“What?”

“WE GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU UP IF YOU’RE GONNA BE PRESIDENT O’ THE 21ST CENT’RY, NIX.”

“Yes, yes. Excellent idea. I need a briefing on contemporary issues. Let’s start at the top. Who is this Trump jackass replacing? Tell me about the outgoing president.”

“YOU MIGHT WANNA SIDDOWN F’R THIS ONE, NIX.”

“How bad could it possibly be?”

“AH’M JUS’ GONNA WHISPER IT TO YA. PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“What?”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“Oh, dear.”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“What!?”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“His wife’s one, too?”

“YESSIR.”

“Good God, Elvis. What has this country become?”

“NOW YOU JUS’ HOLD ON T’ THEM WHITE HORSES, NIX! THAT FELLA LEAVING THIS OFFICE 47 YEARS FROM NOW IS A GOOD MAN. HE DID RIGHT BY THE FOLKS WHAT VOTED F’R HIM, AND DID WHAT HE COULD FOR TH’ FOLKS WHAT DIDN’T. THAT OBAMA IS A FINE AMERICAN, AN’ AH WOULD ALLOW HIM T’ BRING ME SCARVES AND WATER ANY DAY.”

“I suppose it could be worse. Could be a Catholic.”

“AH’M WITH YOU ON THAT ONE, MR. PRESIDENT. THEM PAPISTS IS SOME GOOFY GOOBERS.”

“Answerable only to Rome, Elvis. The loyalty of the Catholic is to Rome, not America.”

“WELL, THASS BETTER THAN THIS SOMBITCH WE’RE OVERTHROWIN’! HE ANSWERS T’ MOSCOW.”

“Much worse in every capacity. Politics, weather.”

“AIN’ NOBODY EVER BOUGHT NO RUSSIAN SPORTS CAR.”

“No, no. The Italian is incapable of governing himself or conducting a proper war, but he has style. Nixon never had style, Elvis. They mock me for this, the press. They wanted Kennedy. You know what Jack Kennedy was, King? A haircut with herpes, that’s it. But he had style, which I do not.”

“THASS WHY AH’M GETTIN’ YOU THE BELT BUCKLE. YOU PUT ONE OF THESE ON, AN’ LADIES GONNA START ASKIN’ YOU T’ SIGN THEIR TATAS.”

“I don’t know if Mrs. Nixon will be okay with that, Elvis.”

“SIGN HER TATAS, TOO, NIX. GOTTA SPREAD YER SEXY AROUND.”

“Elvis, let’s concentrate. Is the, uh, Time Cape all charged up? We need to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.”

“GOOD CALL, MAN. LEMME GET HER UP T’ FULL POWER. HI-YAAH!”

“HI-YAAH!”

“HI-YAAH!”

“Is the Time Cape powered by karate, Elvis?”

“IT IS, NIX. NOTHIN’ GETS BY YOU.”

“Wonderful.”

“WHAT WE WAITIN’ FOR, MAN? AH’M FIXIN’ TO FIX THE 21ST CENTURY.”

“Our naval support, Elvis. They just called, and have upgraded to a faster ship. They should be here any minute.”

“UH-HUH.”

“Is this like the Time War, Billy?”

“Kinda. It’s a Time Coup.”

“Bloodless?”

“Why would they call me if they wanted it to be bloodless?”

“True. Are we getting paid?”

“No.”

“Are you getting paid?”

“Yes.”

“Bill, we’re in Hawaii. How are we gonna get to D.C. by Friday?”

“Precarious is driving the boat.”

“Oh, okay.”

A Change, In Plantain

“How the hell did we get back here?”

“NIX, YOU CAN’T HOLD YER LIQUOR.”

“How many Chinamen did I karate?”

“ALL OF ‘EM, SEEMED LIKE. AH WAS PROUD OF YOUR MARTIAL ARTS SKILLS. YOU HONORED YOUR SENSEI.”

“Huh. Wonderful. Good to hear, Elvis.”

“ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU KICKED CHOU EN-LAI IN HIS FACE.”

“That’s regrettable.”

“HE TASTED BOTH YOUR POWER AND YOUR FLORSHEIM.”

“Between you and me, Elvis? I am not a good drinker.”

“THASS WHY AH NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF. MAN’S BODY IS HIS DOJO.”

“Excellent thinking.”

“DEMEROL?”

“No, thank you. What about the deal? Are the Chinese still on our side?”

“DEAL? MAN, AH HAD TO TALK MAO OUTTA LAUNCHIN’ HIS DAMN NUKES AT YORBA LINDA.”

“Whoa. Good work, Elvis. May I ask how you accomplished that?”

“TURNS OUT THAT ME AN’ OL’ MAO HIT IT OFF.”

“Really?”

“WE BOTH STAY UP ALL NIGHT; WE BOTH ALWAYS GET OUR OWN WAY.”

“Sure.”

“BOTH CRAZY AS A FERRET IN A MONGOOSE COSTUME.”

“I understand the gist of that saying, if not the particulars.”

“HE GOT HISSELF A DR. NICK, TOO. AH DID NOT KNOW THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES AFFECTED THE CHINESE SOUL.”

“Sounds like you two had yourselves a time.”

“HE PRESENTED ME WITH MANY SMALL WOMEN WEARIN’ PANTIES MADE OF COTTON. AH ASSIGNED CHARLIE HODGE TO BRING HIM SCARVES AN’ WATER FOR THE EVENING.”

“Good to hear.”

“HE IS A FINE MAN, MAO. AH LOOKED DEEP INTO HIS EYES AN’ SAW HIS SOUL.”

“Well, as deep as you could look.”

“RIGHT. AS A CHINEE, MAO HAS THEM SLANTY EYES.”

Okay, I’m gonna need the two of you dead assholes to stop being so fucking racist. Now.

“That was that narrator fellow?”

“UH-HUH.”

“He can, uh, just throw in his two cents while we’re having a scene together?”

“THE RULES OF THIS UNIVERSE ARE OF AN IMPROVISATORY NATURE.”

“Important information. So, you calmed the Chinese down?

“YEAH, BUT LIKE AH SAID: THEY AIN’T GONNA PARTNER UP WITH US NO MORE. WE ON OUR OWN, NIX.”

“No, no. Nixon always plans for contingencies. Remember, Elvis: one if by land; two if by sea.”

“THREE IF BY ROCKETCYCLE.”

“Sure, but stick with me. Perhaps we need to take Washington from the Potomac side.”

“AH SEE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. WE NEED T’ SPEAK WITH MIGHTY POSEIDON.”

“Boats, Elvis.”

“OR THAT.”

“I have spoken with some very dangerous men. Our attack will come by sea.”

“HOT DAMN, THIS SOME EXCITIN’ STUFF! WHO YOU GOT, NIX? CAP’N BLOOD?”

“No.”

“CAP’N CRUNCH?”

“Also no.”

“WHO, NIX?”

“The most dangerous men at sea, Elvis.”

“Billy, I don’t think this is the way to D.C.”

“Just keep rowing, Walton.”

“Why are there so many guns in the boat?”

“You gonna row or you gonna ask questions? Step on it: it’s almost the 20th.”

“What does that matter?”

“Just keep rowing.”

Elvis v. Nixon: Dawn Of Justice

“WHO YOU THINK’D WIN, NIX: BATMAN OR SUPERMAN?”

“I try not to engage in hypotheticals.”

“WE AIN’T TALKIN’ ‘BOUT NO HYPERTENTACLES, MAN. BATMAN AN’ SUPERMAN. WHO YOU GOT?”

“We should be concentrating on more important subjects, Elvis.”

“MORE IMPORTANT? AIN’T NOTHIN’ MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHO’D WIN ‘N A SUPERHERO FIGHT.”

“Elvis, son: you must bear down. We have a, uh, delicate task ahead of us. Time travel-assisted cross-reality political intervention is quite a row to hoe. We must focus.”

“Jesus, man. Fine. Does Batman have time to prepare?”

“COURSE HE DOES, NIX. AIN’T MUCH OF A FIGHT OTHERWISE.”

“What about Kryptonite? Does, uh, the Batman possess this materiel?”

“UH-HUH.”

“And which one is being advised by Nixon?”

“SCUSE ME?”

“Well, what I ask is: are they being their usual infantile selves, or can I plan the battle?”

“LESS HEAR YOU TAKE A WHACK AT IT, NIX.”

“Yes, right. If I am, uh, Superman, then I use my super-vision and eyebeams to incinerate Batman from a hundred miles away. Alternately, I might fly through him at Mach 6, but I believe the smart course of action is to stay as far from Batman as possible. Were I standing next to Batman when the fight began, I would immediately leave the area. Now that I say it all out loud, I think that flying through him is not going to work. Just adds too many variables.”

“KEEP GOIN’, MAN.”

“And, uh, if I were Batman and needed to kill Superman, then I would remember that I’m Batman, and therefore a genius, and I would figure out a way to talk Superman into committing suicide.”

“WHAT TH’ FUCK, NIX?”

“That’s war, son. That’s politics. That’s Nixon.”

“YOU A GOOD AMERICAN, MISSER PRESIDENT.”

“And you, Elvis. And you. Now, uh, let’s stop wasting our time on silly bullshit and discuss our plan to time travel to the year 2017 and overthrow the American government.”

“YESSIR.”

A Secret Plan To Win The War

“This? They elected this?”

“THASS WHAT AH’M TELLIN’ YOU, NIX. THE FUTURE OF AMERICA IS AT STAKE HERE. THIS HERE ORANGE FELLA AIN’T NO GOOD.”

“This is the one who enjoys the…what did you call them, Elvis?”

“PEEPEE PARTIES, SIR.”

“That’s a filthy perversion, Elvis.”

“AND ISS COMMIE PISS, MAN.”

“The yellow menace strikes again. What of his background? Tell me about his legislative accomplishments.”

“HE’S A DANG TEEVEE HOST, SIR.”

“Like Captain Kangaroo?”

“HE DON’T HAVE NO SIDEBURNS, BUT OTHER’N THAT? YEAH, JUSS LIKE HIM.”

“Jesus. Elvis, do you know why I bombed Cambodia?”

“PATRIOTISM, SIR?”

“That’s it, yes. No matter what they say about Nixon, they can never say he did not love his country enough.”

“YOU TALKIN’ BOUT THEM ROCKET’S RED GLARE. UH-HUH.”

“What you’re suggesting, Elvis…this is unorthodox. Might even be illegal.”

“NOT IF YOU DO IT, SIR.”

“I don’t follow.”

“IF THE PRESIDENT DOES IT, IT AIN’T ILLEGAL.”

“Huh. Yeah. Y’know what? I like that.”

“THASS ALL YOURS, NIX.”

“I should write that down. Where the hell is Jenkins?”

“HE WENT TO FETCH MAH WAWA TEN MINUTES AGO.”

“Goddamned layabout. Can’t get good help these days.”

“AH TOL’ YOU: INSTALL SOME TAPE RECORDERS IN HERE.”

“One great idea after another. Have you ever thought about going into politics, Elvis?”

“YES, SIR, AH HAVE.”

“Republican Party can use some men like you.”

“THERE’S ONLY ONE MAN LIKE ME, NIX.”

“True, true. So, uh, how do we do this?”

“AH WILL GATHER YOU IN MAH STRONG ARMS AND ENGAGE MAH TIME CAPE.”

“Whoa. Elvis, I don’t know what kind of thing you Hollywood types are into, but Nixon isn’t doing any queer shit.”

“THIS ENDEAVOR IS NOTHING BUT MANLY, NIX! THE KING AIN’T NO SISSY! AN’ IF AH WAS, THEN AH COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU.”

“Hey, hey, hey: I was not accusing you of anything, Elvis.”

“AH SURE HOPE NOT. AIN’T NO SECRET SERVICE IN TH’ WORLD FAST ENOUGH TO BEAT MAH KARATE IN A RACE TO YOUR FACE. AH GOT CLAWS LIKE AN EAGLE, AN’ A HEART LIKE A LION.”

“You’re describing a griffin.”

“THEN SO BE IT!”

“Well, I certainly offer a sincere apology for any offense. It was unintentional. I categorically state for the record that neither you nor I is a homosexual.”

“NIX, WE MIGHT JUS’ BE THE TWO LEAST GAY DUDES ON THIS HERE PLANET.”

“Okay, sure. Now you were mentioning something about a time cape?”

“YOU CAPITALIZE THAT PHRASE, DAMN YOU!”

“Time Cape?”

“BETTER.”

“Good, I was thinking you meant all the letters. I, uh, cannot speak in all caps like you can.”

“VERY FEW CAN, MISTER PRESIDENT. JUS’ ME AN’ A SOUND SYSTEM WON’T BE BUILT F’R THREE YEARS.”

“You lost me again, Elvis.”

“DON’ YOU WORRY ‘BOUT IT.”

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