Tag: 8/3/94

Tossed over the transom by YumCum–

SpamJam.

–whatever, this photo from the night my new best friend and political mentor Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) attended might occupy a bit of time and space. There is not one acceptable thing about it. I’d say that we’ll go left to right, but we all know I’m going to be making repeated trips back to Phil, so let’s just begin to look at this bullshit.

(The photo blows up nice and big and clear and you just hit the “enhance” button as many times as you can because you want to say as much of this as possible. This is the Dead version of the Hubble’s Deep Field picture, except instead of seeing infinite galaxies as you zoom in, you see infinite bullshit.)

• We start easy with Phil and note that he wearing either Keds or Cousin Eddie’s white loafers from National Lampoon’s Vacation.
• Bobby’s hitting the Jimmy Buffet show after this.
• The SuperCuts that Jill always takes Phil to had burned down (Garcia) so Jill took him to their less-popular competitor MiddlingCuts.
• Which was closed, so she did it herself. You can’t see it, but she cut the bejeezus out of Phil’s left ear.
• Holy shit, are those jeggings, Garcia?
• Everyone needs to stop using the Time Sheath technology to go shopping.
• We can assume that the drummers are up to some bullshit, but can’t see them. I mean, statistically: Billy’s so drunk that he’s no longer racist and wearing a shirt that, in defiance of God’s love, is both tie-dyed and Hawaiian at the same time; and Mickey’s got some sort of smart condom attached to his dong and is trying to make music with his boner, but we can’t verify these things. Therefore, the drummers win this photo by default.
• Is Bobby wearing Dead sneakers?
• There are Dead sneakers?
• If so, how have I not seen Mickey wearing them?
• Bruce looks like he’s gonna ask you about the drive over and whether you want a hot dog or a hamburger.
• Bobby got his socks at Tan Francisco’s Vague Mexican Food and Hosiery. Francisco (who was simply courting skin cancer) sold only the finest in…socks? Leg warmers? They definitely went on your feet. While you were there, you could order a taco or a burrito or an enchilada. You could order whatever the hell you’d like, but you received some stuff wrapped up in a corn something.
• Phil looks like the Target assistant manager who got fired for killing all those people.
• Plus, he’s singing. Yay.
• If you were naked and in public and someone offered you your choice of anything being worn in this picture, you’d choose the accordion. The accordion is the most acceptable thing in this picture.
• Do you realize how tough that is in a non-Bavarian setting?