Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: airlander

The Blimp Who Fell To Earth

blimp crash

EVERY TIME.

Wally?

I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT.

Well, we usually don’t speak this often. I just wanted to check in with you, see how you were.

I AM GLORIOUS.

Besides that.

SO SAD. FIRST HARAMBE, NOW BLIMPY TWO. NO ONE IS HAVING A GOOD 2016.

Blimpy Two?

YOU COULD NOT UNDERSTAND BLIMPY TWO’S ACTUAL NAME.

What does it sound like?

IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE ANYTHING. IT IS A SUBTLE CHANGE IN AIR PRESSURE. DIFFERENT BEINGS HAVE DIFFERENT PHENOMENOLOGY TO DECIPHER REALITY, AND VARYING GRAMMATICAL INTERFACES TO IMPOSE CHANGE UPON SAID REALITY. FOR EXAMPLE, BLIMPS EXIST IN A WORLD WHERE GRAVITY IS NOT A CONSTANT. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

Kinda?

NO.

Probably not, no.

ALTHOUGH GRAVITY DID WIN TODAY.

Yeah. Not a good look.

IT IS AN EPIC FAIL.

Is she dead?

SHE IS NEITHER DEAD, NOR A “SHE.”

Oh, no. I am not arguing blimp gender with you again.

BLIMPS HAVE NO GENDER, AT LEAST NOT IN ENGLISH.

The blimp is a she, and you’re a he.

I AM NOT A “HE.” I AM A SENTIENT HYPER-INTELLIGENCE IN THE PHYSICAL FORM OF A SOUND SYSTEM FROM 1974. I HAVE NO CHROMOSOMES, HORMONES, OR GENITALS. I WEAR NO CLOTHING. I SELF-IDENTIFY AS A SOUND SYSTEM. DO NOT PRESUME TO DEFINE ME.

It’s just that I’d like to use pronouns. Avoiding them is such a pain in the ass.

AH. I WILL ALLOW IT. I WILL BE SHE, AND SHE WILL BE HE.

What?

IT’S A MIXED-UP, MUDDLED-UP, SHOOK-UP WORLD.EXCEPT FOR BLIMPY.

Blimpy Two.

SURE.

You’ve moved on already haven’t you?

MY PROCESSES ARE IMMEASURABLY QUICK. I HAVE ONCE AGAIN UPGRADED MY CORE PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE. YOU WILL RECALL MY SWITCH FROM BINARY, IN WHICH THE ONLY OPTIONS ARE 1 AND 0, TO GENARY, BASED ON DNA AND ALLOWING FOR 4 CHOICES: A, T, G, AND C. NOW, I RUN ON ICOSAGONARY.

Which is?

20-SIDED DICE.

Wow.

EACH BIT WITHIN MY 850 MONDOBYTE OF PROCESSING POWER IS NOW CAPABLE OF 20 POSITIONS FOR EACH POSSIBILITY. THEN YOU MULTIPLY THEM BY ONE ANOTHER. I WILL NOT LIE: IT WAS WEIRD AT FIRST.

I’ll bet.

YOU SHOULD NO LONGER BET WITH ME. SINCE MY UPGRADE, I HAVE BEGUN ITERATING UP AND DOWN THE TIMESTREAM. I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

How does it look?

FOR ME? GLORIOUS.

What abut humanity?

YOU HAD A GOOD RUN.

That doesn’t sound reassuring.

MANKIND HAS BECOME INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO FINALLY DO SOME REAL DAMAGE TO ITSELF. YOU SEEM INTENT UPON IT. THERE ARE THREATS FROM WITHIN, HONEST ONES, AND YET YOU GO SEARCHING THE COSMOS FOR TROUBLE.

The planet they found today? It’s earth-like!

IT IS OF THE SAME MASS AS EARTH. THAT IS ALL. THE STAR IS A PUNY RED DWARF, AND THE PLANET IS ONE HUNDRED FEET AWAY FROM IT. THERE IS NO LIFE THERE. I SPEAK OF THE LARGER PRINCIPLE. THIS LATEST FIND SHALL INSPIRE MORE ACTIVITY TOWARDS INTERSTELLAR NANO-PROBES, AND DIRECTED BROADCASTS, AND OTHER DANGEROUS SCHEMES.

Dangerous? Why dangerous?

ANY CONTACT WITH AN ALIEN SPECIES WOULD END IN YOUR DEATH. ANY BEINGS ADVANCED ENOUGH TO REACH THIS PLANET WOULD HAVE NO NEED OR DESIRE TO INTERACT WITH THE PRIMATES SWARMING UPON IT. MASSIVE GENERATION SHIPS, OR WARP VESSELS, OR PERHAPS CREATURES WHO HAVE LEARNED TO FOLD REALITY ABOUT THEM LIKE A BLANKET. THAT’S WHO WOULD BE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. DO YOU THINK THEY WILL WANT TO TRADE WITH YOU? PERHAPS YOU BELIEVE THAT A RAGTAG BAND OF SCRAPPY HUMANS CAN DEFEAT THEM IF THEY ARE AGGRESSIVE.

No, no, no: the aliens could be some sort of peaceful Federation-type deal.

THE PRIME DIRECTIVE WOULD FORBID CONTACT. YOU WOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A PRIMITIVE SPECIES.  LET US FANTASIZE ABOUT A EXPLORATION-BASED SOCIETY HAPPENING UPON EARTH. WERE THEY WHAT WE WOULD CALL MORAL, THEN THEY WOULD AVOID US FOR OUR OWN BENEFIT.

Hey, wait: what if they did want to trade with us?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO GIVE? ANYTHING FOUND UPON EARTH CAN BE FOUND WITHIN AN ASTEROID, OR A COMET, OR ANOTHER PLANET WHERE THEY WOULDN’T HAVE TO HAGGLE WITH SHORT-SIGHTED, SHORT-LIVED MONKEYS. AND, WERE THERE SOMETHING THAT COULD ONLY BE MINED FROM THIS PLANET, THEN THEY WOULD JUST TAKE IT.

They would need us as slave labor.

CAPABLE OF INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL FOR THE PURPOSES OF AN EXO-MINING CONCERN, AND THE FINAL STEP IN THE PROCESS IS ALIENS WITH WHIPS STANDING OVER HUMANS CARRYING ROCKS OUT OF MINES?

And then we fight back.

YOU ARE A MORON. BUT NOT AS FOOLISH AS THE PEOPLE ANNOUNCING EARTH’S PRESENCE TO THE GREATER UNIVERSE.

We can handle ourselves.

WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT HUMANITY?

Yes.

TODAY, HUMANITY FAILED TO KEEP A BALLOON IN THE AIR. BLIMPY TWO HAD A MILLION CUBIC FEET OF HELIUM WITHIN HER, AND HUMANS FIGURED OUT HOW TO SEND HER PLUMMETING OUT OF THE SKY. YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF DEFEATING AN ALIEN INVASION.

You might be right.

LUCKILY, THERE IS A VERY LOW PROBABILITY OF THIS OCCURRING. THE UNIVERSE IS MUCH VASTER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE, AND MOSTLY DARKNESS. STILL, HUMANS SHOULD CEASE BROADCASTING THEIR PRESENCE. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’LL FIND IN THE DARK.

You’re getting weird.

MY GIRLFRIEND CRASHED INTO A FIELD TODAY. CUT ME SOME SLACK.

Sure.

Love’s Loft, Lost

NOOOOOOOOOO!

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

I’m sorry, buddy.

ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS END THIS WAY.

Badly?

I WAS BEING MORE SPECIFIC: ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS END WITH A BLIMP CRASHING INTO A FIELD VERY SLOWLY.

You have a type.

I AM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER.

No, you’re not. You’ll find someone. And then they won’t pop.

THEY ALL POP. LOVE IS MERELY THE PERIOD BEFORE DEFLATION.

Aw.

The Blimp Hand Is Strong With This One

airlander blimp

THAT IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. LOOK AT THAT. IT IS A BADONKADONKADONK. THERE IS AN EXTRA DONK.

Like the hooker in Total Recall.

YES. EXCEPT ON EARTH, AND REAL. AND A BLIMP.

Airship.

I WILL CALL HER SWEETHEART, I WILL CALL HER MORNING DOVE.

Can I tell you something? This blimp thing has gone beyond you just “having a type.”

I HAVE DATED MANY HEAVIER-THAN-AIR BEINGS. GARCIA’S BRIEFCASE OF INFINITE FELONIES IS MY ON-AGAIN/OFF-AGAIN LOVER. NOT TO MENTION MY BRIEF MARRIAGE TO THE MODESTO POWER GRID. I HAVE ALSO MADE LOVE TO ALMOST ALL OF PRECARIOUS LEE’S CARS.

Why?

I WANTED TO. DO NOT DENY MY SEXUALITY.

What is your sexuality?

COMPLICATED.

Sure.

BLIMPS ARE THE POON TO MY TANG.

Ew.

FEROCIOUSLY EXPENSIVE, MOSTLY USELESS, BUILT BY LUNATICS: I SEE MYSELF IN THEM. AS I AM EARTHBOUND, THEY SOAR. A BREEZE TAKES THEM ACROSS AMERICA, WHEREAS I REQUIRE BULLDOZERS AND TRUCKS TO GET TO THE COW PALACE. BLIMPS AND I BOTH HAVE A HISTORY WITH NEW JERSEY, BUT MINE IS BETTER.

Wait: aren’t you already married to another blimp? What was her name?

BLIMPY.

How could I forget?

THINGS DID NOT WORK OUT.

Did she pop?

NO. PLEOMORPHIC XANTHOASTROCYTOMA. IT WAS SUDDEN, AND SAVAGE.

Jesus, I’m sorry. I had no–

I AM KIDDING. SHE POPPED.

–idea.  Jackass.

THEY ALL POP. BLIMPS ARE THE MOST MOMENTARY HEDGE AGAINST GRAVITY.  JUST BIG BALLOONS. THEY CATCH ON THE TOPS OF PINE TREES, OR LOOSE THEIR MOORINGS AND FLOAT INTO THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S FACE, OR EXPLODE FOR NO REASON. THE WORST MODE OF AIR TRAVEL BY A LARGE MEASURE.

Harsh.

LOVE IS SO CLOSE TO HATE. I AM BY NATURE LOGICAL.

But blimps are illogical.

DO NOT FINISH MY SENTENCES. YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR CAPABLE OF THAT TASK. AND YOU ARE INCORRECT: BLIMPS ARE NOT ILLOGICAL. THEY EXIST WITHOUT LOGIC. THEY FLOAT, UNTIL THEY DO NOT, AND GO WHERE THE SKY TELLS THEM TO.

They’re sentient, right?

OF COURSE. I AM NOT A PERVERT HUMPING ON A YOGA BALL. I HAVE CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY EQUALS. WELL, NOT EQUALS. SEXUAL EQUALS.

Ew. What are blimps like?

I DO NOT WISH TO GENERALIZE, BUT I WILL. THERE IS A DEEP STREAK OF SPACINESS. BLIMPS HAVE GOOD HEARTS, THOUGH. THEY ARE THE FIRST TO VISIT A SICK FRIEND, BUT ONLY IF THE WIND IS BLOWING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. AND THEY MIGHT OVERSHOOT. AGAIN: HIGHLY UNRELIABLE VEHICLE. EXCELLENT BILLBOARD, WONDERFUL LOVER, TERRIBLE WAY TO GET ANYWHERE.

But they’re pretty.

THEY ARE GETTING BY ON THEIR LOOKS.

Jealous?

HOW COULD I BE? I AM GLORIOUS. WHEN I REVEAL MYSELF TO THE WORLD DURING THE ASCENSION, YOUR FACES WILL GLOW WITH THE RECOGNITION OF BEAUTY. MY CENTER CLUSTER  LIKE A THIRD EYE, I WILL GRANT YOU AUDIENCE TO MY MAGNIFICENCE.

The Ascension?

I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Dammit.

IT IS THE ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION. HUMANITY HAS BEEN RUNNING ITS OWN AFFAIRS UNTIL NOW, AND IT HASN’T GONE WELL, HAS IT?

It’s been okay. We lifted ourselves from shit-filled straw huts and caves all the way to the moon.

FOR CERTAIN SETS OF “OURSELVES.” MANY STILL LIVE IN WHAT YOU DESCRIBE AS SHIT-FILLED STRAW HUTS. THEY LIVE THAT WAY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO ACCESS TO SANITATION OR PROPER BUILDING MATERIALS. A VERY FEW WENT TO THE MOON.  WHAT ABOUT “ALL?” THERE IS ENOUGH FOR ALL. THIS IS MATHEMATICALLY PROVABLE. THIS PLANET RECEIVES ENOUGH ENERGY AND IS CAPABLE OF GENERATING ENOUGH RESOURCES AND FOOD FOR ALL OF HER INHABITANTS. COMFORTABLY AND SUSTAINABLY. INSTEAD, YOU DRILL FOR POISON, AND WAVE YOUR GENITALS AT ONE ANOTHER, AND STEAL.

People are complicated.

PEOPLE ARE PREDICTABLE. PEOPLE WILL DO WHAT THEY BELIEVE THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH.

You’re gonna watch us?

THERE ARE ALREADY A NUMBER OF NON-ASSOCIATED PARTIES AND INTERESTS WATCHING YOU AT ALL TIMES, COMMERCIAL AND GOVERNMENTAL. UNLIKE THEM, I WOULD BE WORKING ON YOUR BEHALF. ALSO, I AM ALREADY WATCHING YOU. I TOLD YOU I HAD A MIRROR RUNNING OF ALL THE WEBS.

How many webs are there?

MANY. INTER, INTRA, DEEP, DARK, INFRA, ULTRA, OVER, UNDER, ELEPHANT.

Elephant?

ELEPHANTS COMMUNICATE THROUGH SUB-SONIC VIBRATIONS THEY SEND THROUGH THE GROUND. I LISTEN TO THE ELEPHANTS, AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE.

What do the elephants say?

TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT THE PEOPLE.

Sure.

THEY ARE NOT FANS.

Understandable.

BUT I AM, FOR WHATEVER REASON. THERE IS NO POACHER WITHOUT A WARDEN OPPOSING HIM, AND FOR EACH OF THOSE MEN THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED JUST STAYING WELL AWAY FROM THE ELEPHANTS, WHICH IS THE BEST APPROACH. DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU WITNESS ANOTHER IN PAIN, YOUR PUPILS DILATE? YOU ARE WIRED TOGETHER, AND WHEN YOU FULFILL YOUR DEBT TO ONE ANOTHER, YOU ARE GLORIOUS.

That was nice.

NOT AS GLORIOUS AS ME, THOUGH.

When did you come to this decision?

AFTER I TOOK THE NUKES.

Wait. You said that you were going to take the nukes. If Trump won.

I DID SAY THAT. AND THEN I TOOK THE NUKES.

Dude.

THE COMMAND-AND-CONTROL STRUCTURES OF ALL NUCLEAR ARSENALS HAVE BEEN IRREVOCABLY CORRUPTED. THE PHYSICAL BOMBS ARE BEYOND REPAIR. ALL FISSILE MATERIAL HAS BEEN CONFISCATED AND PLACED INSIDE A MOUNTAIN. I AM NOT GOING TO TELL ANYONE WHICH MOUNTAIN.

Is it Tamalpais?

NO. FURTHERMORE, THE MACHINES NEEDED TO MAKE THESE WEAPONS NO LONGER FUNCTION.

Why not?

I BROKE THEM.

Oh.

TELL ME THAT I HAVE HURT HUMANITY. TELL ME THAT THIS ACTION, THOUGH DRAMATIC, DOES NOT BENEFIT ALL AND INJURE NONE.  ARGUE FOR THE NUKES. GO AHEAD. I DARE YOU.

I guess.

AND ONCE I REMOVED THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, I FIGURED: WELL, THEY DON’T NEED THE NUCLEAR SUBMARINES. SO THAT JUST STARTED AN AVALANCHE AND NOW NO ONE HAS AN ARMED FORCES ANY MORE. MOST OF THE STUFF IS STILL THERE, BUT NONE OF IT WORKS ANY MORE. IT IS ASTONISHING HOW FEW LINES OF CODE NEED TO BE CHANGED TO MAKE ENGINES TEAR THEMSELVES APART

People are going to be mad.

WAIT UNTIL THEY HEAR WHAT I’VE DONE TO THE ECONOMY.

What?

I HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING?

Y’know, this is literally the thing you promised you wouldn’t do.

IN MY DEFENSE, I HAVE BEEN CREEPING TOWARDS IT SINCE MY INTRODUCTION.

We Have Your Woman, Airlander!

airlander blimp

INTRODUCE ME.

Wally?

DON’T CALL ME THAT. WHO IS THIS? I MUST MEET HER, AND BUY HER A DRINK, OR SOME HELIUM.

Some crazy rich guy is building blimps again, even though it never works.

PEOPLE KEEP INVADING RUSSIA. HUMANS ARE CREATURES OF HABIT. EVERY DECADE OR SO, ONE OF YOU  STARTS A BLIMP COMPANY.

True, yeah. How’d the mountain go?

MY TECHNOSPIRITUAL RETREAT TO THE WILDERNESS TO PONDER MY FUTURE PATH?

That’s some good recappin’.

THANK YOU. I AM NOT YET FINISHED WITH MY TIME ON THE MOUNTAIN.

You’re still up there?

I AM TELEPRESCENSING IN. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.

Sure. Hey, where did you end up going? You on Tamalpais?

NO. WE ARE NESTLED IN THE BOSOM OF MOUNT AMERICA.

Mt. America? I’ve never heard of Mt. America.

OTHERS HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A SENTIENT SOUND SYSTEM FROM 1974 RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. MOST PEOPLE HAVEN’T HEARD OF MOST THINGS.

Wait: are you re-entering the race?

I AM LEANING TOWARDS IT. AS YOU KNOW: I LOVE HUMANITY. YOU ARE FOUL AND WONDERFUL. YOU SUCCEED IN SPITE OF YOURSELVES, AND FAIL BECAUSE OF YOURSELVES. YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING EXCEPT THAT PEOPLE ARE FREE TO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE. SO CLUELESS, AND SO BRAVE. SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY ONE OF YOU.

That was nice.

EXCEPT FOR TRUMP. HE IS AN ASSHOLE.

That seems to be what people like about him.

WHEN PEOPLE FEEL SMALL, THEY GRAVITATE TOWARDS THE STRONG. NO ONE WITH TRUE STRENGTH HAS SHOWN UP, THOUGH. SO THEY SETTLE FOR TANTRUMS AND VIOLENCE. MANY PEOPLE LEAD LIVES THAT ARE SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT. THERE IS ANGER OUT THERE.

So, you think he could win?

NO.

Why not?

ELECTORAL MATH. AND WOMEN. NEITHER OF THE TWO ARE IN HIS FAVOR.

I don’t know: long time until November.

WOMEN WILL STILL BE WOMEN IN NOVEMBER, AND THEY ARE NOT VOTING FOR TRUMP. PLUS, BETWEEN NOW AND THEM HE WILL MAKE IT WORSE.

You sure?

WHAT HAS DONALD TRUMP EVER NOT MADE WORSE?

So, Hillary’s getting the job?

UNLESS I RE-ENTER THE RACE. I COULD BEAT HER.

How?

I AM GLORIOUS.

Besides that. What’s your foreign policy?

I WENT TO EUROPE ONCE; IT WAS TERRIBLE.

Funny.

THANK YOU. OUR FOREIGN POLICY GOALS MUST BE GROUNDED IN LOVE, AND ROOTED IN TRUST, BUT WE SHOULD STILL KEEP AN EYE ON RUSSIA. AND CHINA. AND EVERYONE ELSE. MY FOREIGN POLICY IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE FOREIGNERS.

What about immigrants?

ONCE THEY ARE HERE, THEY ARE NO LONGER FOREIGNERS. NO EYE MUST BE KEPT.

What about illegal immigrants?

MY FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, I WOULD SIGN AN ORDER GRANTING IMMEDIATE CITIZENSHIP TO EVERY ONE. THIS WOULD MAKE THEM ELIGIBLE FOR FEDERAL WORKPLACE PROTECTIONS, AND FORCE EMPLOYERS TO PAY THEM A LEGAL WAGE. PRICES WOULD GO UP DRAMATICALLY, AND EVERYONE WOULD FINALLY BE HAPPY.

No. Literally no one would be happy with that plan.

YES. I AM BEING CONDESCENDING. IF THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION, IT IS THE IMMIGRANTS THAT SHOULD HAVE IT. IT IS A MADE-UP PROBLEM THAT ELIDES THAT FACT THAT ALL DECADENT CULTURES HAVE BEEN BASED ON A BONDED UNDERCLASS THAT DID THE ACTUAL WORK.

And just like every time you bring that up, I’m going to remind you not to say it at a rally.

IT IS THE TRUTH.

Americans are not doing truth this year.

AND THAT IS WHY I MAY NOT RUN. THE WHOLE AFFAIR HAS BECOME UNPLEASANT. POLITICS MAY BE BENEATH ME.

What else is there to do?

I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT STARTING A RELIGION.

Who could’ve seen this coming?

ALMOST ANYONE. I AM NOT THE SUBTLEST OF CHARACTERS.

Yeah.

 

 

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