Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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A Fill-In-The-Blank Sexual Harassment Statement

To Whom It May Concern,

The first thing I want to do is apologize to the people I have [mistreated/hurt/rubbed my dick on]. I take full responsibility and am deeply sorry for any [pain/humiliation/dick stains] I have caused to my [employees/customers/friends and family/random big-titty women/that one fat chick at Sears]. I know saying “I’m sorry” won’t make it right, but it’s literally the least I can do, and I will do it.

I [respect/tolerate/pretend to respect and tolerate] women. I don’t respect men who don’t. And the fact that my [actions/comments/uncontrollable nipple-tweaking] causes people to doubt that makes me feel [ashamed/concerned about my bank account/weirdly aroused].

I have work to do to try to regain the trust of those I have [hurt/disappointed/stuck my finger in without so much as a by-your-leave]. For this reason, I am going to step away from my [office/teevee show/restaurant] until I have [done the necessary work with licensed therapists/been cleared by the police department/you all forget about the bullshit I’ve been pulling for three decades]. I need to try and understand my behavior so I can [not do this again/not do this quite so much anymore/better choose victims who won’t open up their big dumb bitch mouths].

While I do not recall the incidents described in exactly the same way as the [women/teen boys/slutty office furniture] does, I must take their word for it, as I have been struggling with [drug addiction/homosexuality/the complete inability to keep my fucking hands to myself].

I am grateful for all your support, and look forward to seeing you on the book tour for my upcoming memoir.

Signed,
Famous Name Here

We’re Guilty Of The Same Old Thing

You may be Saturday’s child all-grown
Moving with a tinge of grace
You may be a clown in the burying ground
Or just another pretty face

P.S. I know this woman. We were friends a lifetime or two ago. She never struck me as a fibber.

Al, Frankly

It was just the once, and it was a joke. He kept his dick in his pants, which no one is mentioning. At least there’s that. At least he kept it in his pants. He was a comedian, you see, before he was a politician and comedians are judged by different rules than politicians. I don’t know if you know many comedians, but most of the time the best you can hope for is that they don’t take their dicks out. So at least there’s that, and it was just the once, and it was a joke.

Surely, no one meant no sexual harassment when this whole campaign began. Let’s not let the perfect be the enemy of the good here; can’t throw a no-hitter every game. Into every woman’s life, a little rain must fall, right? This wasn’t a decades-long run of weaponized masturbation and sticking fingers where they were not invited. One-time mishap. Why would we even have rugs if not to sweep this sort of incident under?

No one was forced to put a Jew’s balls in her mouth for a promotion, or to keep her job.

It wasn’t kids.

And he’s our guy. He’s really our guy. Isn’t this the Left’s problem? This childish morality, this insistence on lifelong purity, these easily touched-off feeding frenzies of virtuosity? Shouldn’t we do as the Republicans do and judge people’s behavior by the metric of how useful they are to us? He’s a useful man. Ever see him draw America freehand? Ever see him catch Jeff Sessions in a lie? Ever hear him talk about his favorite Althea? Useful guy, I tell you.

Did you read his apology? Not the first one that he got shit on for, but the second one. Let’s just concentrate on the second one. He said all the right things, which is more than most of the men in his position have done. None of that “if you were offended” bullshit, just a straight-up mea culpa. He must get some points for that. This is all a point-based game right? And what about the ethics inquiry he asked for? That’s a stand-up thing to do. Ethics inquiry is nothing like going to rehab or donating to women’s charities or whatever; an ethics inquiry means something: people wear suits to them, and there are gavels and stenographers involved. Serious business, ethics inquiries. Maybe we should be commending him for his bravery.

Let’s let him slide. Others have done so much worse, and it was just the once, and it was a joke. It wasn’t kids. He’s our guy, and it wasn’t kids.

And the next time we point our fingers, we won’t feel like hypocrites at all. I promise.

A Chat With The Senator From Fennario

Asshole.

“The first thing I want to do is apologize to–”

ASSHOLE.

“–Leann for my actions, which were–

Fucking asshole.

“–inexcusable. I respect women, and have always respected–”

Goddamned asshole.

“I’m trying to apologize for my–”

YOU TOOK A FUCKING PICTURE!?

“–actions related to…the picture looks bad, but–”

ASSHOLE.

“Are you going to listen to anything I have to say?”

No. Asshole.

“I guess we’re done.”

We? Dunno about that. You might be. Asshole.

No Head, No Backstage Pass

This is the worst kickoff to a presidential campaign I’ve ever seen.

My dad used to say that America didn’t elect Senators. My dad used to say a lot of bullshit. Ten seconds of research shows that 16 Senators have become President, and that’s almost exactly a third. Obama, Kennedy, and Harding went straight from the Capitol to the White House. Well, not straight there: Obama stopped at his mosque to pray, Kennedy stopped for a blowjob, and Harding stopped for [INSERT WARREN HARDING JOKE HERE].

So: could Al Franken be the next President of the United States? He is Jewish, which does not help, and he is not even the right kind of Jewish for Middle America, which is non-religious. The yokels have not met many Jews, you see, and do not know much about Judaism except that bacon is not on the menu and Saturdays are for the Sabbath. (Middle America has heard the word Sabbath.) Jews are supposed to keep things. Jews keep kosher; Jews keep the Sabbath, Jews keep getting expelled from countries and/or massacred. Jews keep.

But a Jew who doesn’t do any of that? A secular Jew? Nah, not in Peoria. Only thing worse than being a different religion is not having one. However–and I’m sure you’ve already intuited this–it is certainly possible to be too Jewish, both in a religious and a cultural way. Hasidic isn’t getting the nomination, and neither is Ed Koch. I hate to give him any credit, but Joe Lieberman threaded the needle perfectly. Didn’t wear a yarmulke, but made a big deal about going to temple every week.

TotD, you’re saying, we already elected a black guy and a rusted bucket of racist diarrhea: why not a Jew?

And I would answer, We also elected a woman, but the Electoral College didn’t agree.

To which you would reply, That’s the system; why should California get to decide for the whole country?

I would say, Because that’s where all the fucking people live.

And you would say, This is why Trump won and there’s no Russia.

Can you stop this?

The imagined conversation or the whole post?

Either would be fine with me.

John Mayer picked that bandana out special to meet the Senator.

He totally did.

Questions

  • This guy?
  • This guy right here?
  • This fucking guy right here?
  • Have you read Senator Franken’s new book Al Franken, Giant of the Senate? (You should; I just did. Here’s my review: if you’re going to buy it, then do so via that link, as I get a percentage. That was my review of Al Franken, Giant of the Senate.)
  • Did Mickey come directly from the cruise?
  • What’s in Bobby’s pocket? (Vape pen, backup vape pen, $1200 in cash, vegan rabbit’s foot keychain, bottle of Fret-Eeze.)
  • Would you like to see a larger version of the painting of John C. Calhoun behind them?
  • “WHAT DID YOU SAY T’ME, BOY?”
  • He looks mean as shit, doesn’t he?
  • I wonder if he treated his slaves well?
  • How many Senators would own slaves now if they could? (Definitely not Al Franken, I think we can assume that. Not that it would be a straight ticket, either: mostly, it would be Republicans, but I think Pelosi would buy her household staff if she could. Just to make taxes easier.)

High Level Meeting

Frankenflesh, baby. That little sliver o’ calf? Sexiest part of an aging white man. It’s dad-cleavage.

OR

Mickey is drunk, thinks he’s at the hotel, and has been sticking that keycard into the door latches of Senators’ offices all day. Mitch McConnell had Capitol Police place Mickey into a wheelchair, and then drag him out of it.

OR

The frame/art ratio is off, isn’t it? Shouldn’t the art be bigger than the frame? I’m not exactly Robert Hughes, so I’m not to be trusted on matters of art, but I always thought the art should be bigger.

OR

Goddammit, Bobby, you couldn’t even put on your socks?

OR

“Psst, Weir.”

“Yeah, Mick?”

“He really loves that fucking song.”

“What’s it been?”

“Twenty minutes straight.”

“He doesn’t even know we’re here. He’s just talking.”

“Well, yeah. He’s a Senator. That’s what they do.”

“You think they told him who killed JFK?”

“His co-worker’s dad did it.”

“Oh.”

OR

That Calhoun fellow’s got a flash haircut, man. Dunno where I’ve seen it before. (Okay, fine: would someone PLEASE ‘shop a beard onto John Calhoun?)

Friendly Fire In Rando War

“Rando.”

Which one of you is speaking?

“Me.”

That doesn’t help.

“It’s, uh, me. You know: me.”

Oh. Hey, Bobby. Not a rando.

“No? Wait. Ah. He’s my manager?”

Are you basing that on his Semitic looks?

“Little bit.”

Not your manager. That’s Al Franken.

“From Trading Places?”

Yes.

“Huh. Guy’s a heck of an actor. I really believed he was a baggage handler.”

“Handle this, Bob. Rando War is won, bitch.”

Jesus.

“Look at these randos.”

Okay, first of all: not randos. Second: stop calling Bobby a bitch, Amir Bar-Lev.

“Man in this sweater can call anyone he wants a bitch.”

That’s not how it works.

“Bitch.”

Stop calling me a bitch. Those are not randos. The one on the left is Whatsherface, and the one on the right is Amy Adams’ mom or something.

“Sounds pretty rando to me.”

Dude, in this photo? You are the rando.

“Wow.”

Sorry to be so blunt.

“Hurtful.”

Well, I’ve never seen you on Law & Order, and both of these ladies have been on multiple iterations of the show.

“Don’t talk to me.”

Don’t be this way.

“You’re an asshole.”

Yeah?

“Yeah.”

Okay, sure.

“AAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?”

I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.

“You’re FUCKED, man!I’m a goddamned midget!”

Little person.

“No, I can say midget. It’s our word.”

You’ve been this way for 20 seconds.

“I’m adaptable.”

Sure.

“Change me back!”

Apologize!

“Never!”

Director’s Cut!

“Never!”

You’re just impossible.

“Y’know, when I made that movie about Penn State, I got death threats.”

Yeah?

“That was better than this.”

I’ve heard that from people.

Bring The Boys Back Home

“None of these boys know how to properly fight a Rando War.”

Dammit.

“Coach Wooden taught me everything I know about Rando Wars.”

Which is what?

“Number one: try not to touch the randos.”

Good rule.

“Number two: watch your wallet; some randos are actually pickpockets in disguise.”

Smart.

“And I’m especially susceptible to pickpockets. My eyes are 22 feet away from my pockets.”

You’re Comey-sized.

“Number three: hands up on defense.”

Bill Walton, I have a question.

“Shoot.”

Was there a situation for which Coach Wooden didn’t say to put your hands up on defense?

“Driving.”

Okay.

“Hands at ten at two. Coach was a stickler. Sometimes, he would hide in the backseats of our cars to make sure we were doing it right. Used to scare the bejeezus out of me.”

“Can anyone get in on Rando War?”

Who is that?

No, Andy Cohen from Bravo, you cannot be a part of Rando War.

“But, I have a rando.”

You’re not a Grateful Dead.

“Neither is Walton.”

Walton has two championship rings.

“I have tons of rings.”

Andy, you’re out. Not happening. I let you in Rando War, and every loose screw and nutjob out there is gonna want in.

“Bullshit. I want in. And when Andy Cohen wants something, just watch what happens.”

I see what you did there.

“I’m quick on my feet.”

“I have a rando! Are we doing Rando War?”

Okay, first of all, Amir Bar-Lev: you cannot participate in Rando War. Second: that is not a rando. That’s Greg Gumbel.

“This is anti-Semitism.”

How!? Andy Cohen’s not allowed in, either!

“And homophobia.”

You stop accusing me of things, dammit.

“I’ll make you a deal.”

This is not a negotiation.

“12-hour long Director’s Cut.”

Don’t you lie to me, Amir Bar-Lev.

“Three hours is the Englishtown show.”

There is no Director’s Cut. There’s just wackadoos and speculists making shit up on the internet.

“If you say so.”

“The Senator from Minnesota rises to enter Rando War.”

Oh, no.

Again: not a rando. That’s a Senator.

“How many Senators could you pick out of a lineup?”

I could pick Elizabeth Warren out, Al.

“Senator Franken.”

Your lapels are too narrow.

“I want in Rando War, and I’m prepared to shut down the government or do my Mick Jagger impression until it happens.”

I truly hate this bit.

“It’s not as bad as the one with the Burning Man girls and then the picture of the weird guy.”

True. That one’s dreadful.

“Wanna talk Althea?’

No.

In Which I Demand A Lovely And Polite Canadian Bother A Sitting U.S. Senator

Wait: the Dead’s archivist has done more shows than the Dead? Is that one of those “the set of all sets does not contain itself” things? Is trigonometry involved here?

AND

Questions David Lemieuxvingonuptotheeastside Must Ask Al Franken:

  • What in the name of sweet, sweaty fuck is happening, Al, and why can’t you fix it right now?
  • But what’s really your favorite Althea?
  • Which Senator smells the worst?
  • How often do you want to dose the coffee in the cloakroom?
  • You have a gun with one bullet and you’re in an elevator with Ted Cruz and Chevy Chase BUT you’re not allowed to shoot yourself; who gets it?
  • You got any pull with those Kennedy Center Honors folks?
  • Ever been to Uncle Spiggy’s Shrimp and Titties in Lakewood, PA?
  • Wanna go?
  • If I buy the shrimp, will you pay for the titties?
  • Did Garrett Morris ever find those invisible hypnotist robots he was looking for?
  • Seriously, Al: what the fuck is happening?
  • Scarlet>Fire or China>Rider?
  • Has anyone told Tom Cotton how dumb that well-groomed beard of his looks, or do you all hate him and laugh behind his back?
  • How far along are you into researching your presidential bid? (A NOTE TO DL: Senator Franken will 100% deny he is thinking of running. HE IS LYING TO YOU. Hold his feet to the fire, and then use that fire to dab that brillo-haired sumbitch the fuck up so he will be too high to dissemble.)
  • Is there any way you could introduce Billy to Mitch McConnell, and then let nature take its course?
  • Better head of old white guy hair: you, Phil, or George Lucas?
  • Why is what’s happening happening, and can you stop what is happening from happening any more?
  • Please?
  • Fucking please?
  • Favorite Dark Star?
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