Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: al franken (page 2 of 2)

At Last: A Politician Without Any Skeletons In His Closet

If you told someone in the room when this picture was being taken (’81-ish?) that two of the guys would be dead and one would be a U.S. Senator, the response would be,

“Well, I know one person who isn’t going to be a Senator.”

(In a reality perpendicular to ours, Bobby has been the Representative for California’s 2nd District on and off for thirty years. 2017 Phil could play a Senator on teevee. All the other Grateful Deads–in all iterations–are unelectable in every reality.)

Somebody Has To Do Something, And It’s Just Incredibly Pathetic That It Has To Be Us

A quick recap of the events of the evening for those who get their news exclusively from TotD. (By the way: you should not do that.)

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III from Selma, Alabama, is the Attorney General of the United States of America, which is an important job. The AG of New York City only shows up at the end of episodes to make wry observations, but the AG of the U.S. puts in a full day. He is also a frothing racist and sharp as a damp pillow, but these are not the new revelations; both of those things have been known for a very long time to the general public.

Fun fact: Jeff Sessions was nominated by Reagan in ’86 to be a District Court judge, which requires Senate confirmation. He was only the second nominee not to be confirmed in 48 years, according to Wikipedia. Less fun fact: a decade or so later, now-Senator Sessions joined the very Judiciary Committee that turned him down. The best and the brightest, Enthusiasts.

Jeff’s recent confirmation hearings were no less contentious. You may remember the part where a turtlemonster told Elizabeth Warren to shut her bitch mouth before he shut it for her. There was also a letter introduced into the record by Coretta Scott King, who is one of very few people left alive that know what Martin Luther King’s dong looked like. None of it mattered: 52-47 in favor.

But a hero will rise.

We were so distracted, Enthusiasts, by the shiny racism that we did not notice the junior Senator from Minnesota breaking his block and veering around the line with his eyes locked dead on the ratfaced little mongrel playing quarterback.

This was Al Franken’s question to Jeff, who was under oath.

And–as you may have figured out from the fact that we’re discussing it–this was not the truth. It has been revealed today that Jeff Sessions did indeed communicate with the Russians, specifically the Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. Twice, actually. Which makes the answer he gave perjury.

This is Al Franken:

The story doesn’t stop there, though: just as Jeff met with his Commie buddy twice, he also perjured himself twice. The second time was in an answer to written questions sent to him by the senior Senator from Vermont.

Pat Leahy has been a United States Senator for 41 years. He’s a bit of a ham; he likes to be in movies, and he even had a line in The Dark Knight Rises. He also likes music.

This is something he wrote for Roll Call:

Far be it from me to speculate on an underground network of Deadheads in the Intelligence Community, but I now believe that there is an underground network of Deadheads in the Intelligence Community. Was Jeff Sessions set up like a bowling pin? Did Franken have an ace of spades behind his ear? Did Leahy something something Dead lyric?

Who knows? For now, though, the Grateful Dead will keep on trying to save the world, and damn the torpedoes.

To The Left

Not pictured: a certain United States Senator and Deadhead who better get off his fucking ass and sharpen his knives.

You have work to do, Senator Franken. Don’t let us down.

You Can Call Me, Al
“So, if I’m getting all this straight, John gets a percentage from the ticket sales, but a cash buyout upfront on the webcast? And we’ll discuss the ancillaries on the conference call on Monday?”

“Bobby, this is not a band meeting.”

“You’re that funny Jewish fellow.”

“Always appreciate your support, Bob.”

We Are Everywhere

leahy franken graham

“Fuck off with Brent.”

“He was my friend.”

“Brent was everybody’s friend. He was a like a cocker spaniel, but hairier. The greatest keyboardist the Dead–”

“Pat, please don’t start with this again.”

“–ever had was TC.”

“He was in the band for 45 minutes. He bought a harpsichord, gave Billy a personality test only to discover he didn’t have one, and got fired. Which may or may not have saved his life, but still.”

“TC’s the dank.”

“He is not, Senator. He is not the dank. You could maybe use him to make edibles, but you’d need a shitload of him.”

“Are you silly ol’ gooses talkin’ ’bout that ol’ band o’yours, again?”

“Yes, Lindsay.”

“Fiddlesticks. Al, who you takin’ t’ the Colonel’s cotillion?”

Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad

jerry franken davis

It is a rare to see a photo in which two of the people are dead and one is a US Senator. The only other one I can think of that picture of Ted Cruz getting gay double-teamed by John Denver and Freddie Prinze.

Franken's Tower

bobby alfranken

“How many men have you sentenced to death?”

“That’s not what senators do, Bob.”

“Ok: how many women?”

“You are fundamentally misunderstanding our entire system of government.”

“How much say do you have about who wins the lottery.”

“Virtually none.”

“Are you my accountant?”

“Always nice to see you, Bobby.”

Bob Weir And Two Jews

al franken mickey bobby

First off, Bobby thought that a bicameral legislature meant twice as many politicians wanted to take pictures with him than usual; Mickey is wearing sunglasses indoors because of course he is; and, Franken has brought up attending Harvard four times since they began posing for the photo.

Come To See Me Last Night

billy al franken


One of these men is a United States Senator now. The other has punched a United States Senator right in his dick.

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