Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: andy cohen (page 1 of 3)

The Andyman Comes Around Again

Bobby Picture Pose #2. Nice. A classic.

“Yeah, sure. Hadn’t pulled this one out of the fanny pack in a while.”

No, you mostly stuck to Bobby Picture Pose #1 this tour.

“Glowering with murderous intent.”

Yeah.

“Love that one.”

You’re good at it.

“You bet. So, uh, who’s this guy? He’s talking to me in a non-rando way.”

That’s Andy Cohen.

“The English guy in the hat?”

You’re thinking of Andy Capp.

“Ah.”

Andy Cohen owns Bravo, or something.

“Like, the exclamation?”

No, not the exclamation “Bravo,” the teevee network.

“What do they show on that station?”

Shitty people being shitty to each other shittily.

“Reality teevee?”

Yup.

“I get enough reality in, you know, actual reality. Too much, sometimes. Don’t feel the need to add more via the boob tube.”

I’m with you.

“Sure, sure. Uh, how do my eyes look?”

Like you’ve been a Grateful Dead for 50 years.

“Makes sense.”

Bring The Boys Back Home

“None of these boys know how to properly fight a Rando War.”

Dammit.

“Coach Wooden taught me everything I know about Rando Wars.”

Which is what?

“Number one: try not to touch the randos.”

Good rule.

“Number two: watch your wallet; some randos are actually pickpockets in disguise.”

Smart.

“And I’m especially susceptible to pickpockets. My eyes are 22 feet away from my pockets.”

You’re Comey-sized.

“Number three: hands up on defense.”

Bill Walton, I have a question.

“Shoot.”

Was there a situation for which Coach Wooden didn’t say to put your hands up on defense?

“Driving.”

Okay.

“Hands at ten at two. Coach was a stickler. Sometimes, he would hide in the backseats of our cars to make sure we were doing it right. Used to scare the bejeezus out of me.”

“Can anyone get in on Rando War?”

Who is that?

No, Andy Cohen from Bravo, you cannot be a part of Rando War.

“But, I have a rando.”

You’re not a Grateful Dead.

“Neither is Walton.”

Walton has two championship rings.

“I have tons of rings.”

Andy, you’re out. Not happening. I let you in Rando War, and every loose screw and nutjob out there is gonna want in.

“Bullshit. I want in. And when Andy Cohen wants something, just watch what happens.”

I see what you did there.

“I’m quick on my feet.”

“I have a rando! Are we doing Rando War?”

Okay, first of all, Amir Bar-Lev: you cannot participate in Rando War. Second: that is not a rando. That’s Greg Gumbel.

“This is anti-Semitism.”

How!? Andy Cohen’s not allowed in, either!

“And homophobia.”

You stop accusing me of things, dammit.

“I’ll make you a deal.”

This is not a negotiation.

“12-hour long Director’s Cut.”

Don’t you lie to me, Amir Bar-Lev.

“Three hours is the Englishtown show.”

There is no Director’s Cut. There’s just wackadoos and speculists making shit up on the internet.

“If you say so.”

“The Senator from Minnesota rises to enter Rando War.”

Oh, no.

Again: not a rando. That’s a Senator.

“How many Senators could you pick out of a lineup?”

I could pick Elizabeth Warren out, Al.

“Senator Franken.”

Your lapels are too narrow.

“I want in Rando War, and I’m prepared to shut down the government or do my Mick Jagger impression until it happens.”

I truly hate this bit.

“It’s not as bad as the one with the Burning Man girls and then the picture of the weird guy.”

True. That one’s dreadful.

“Wanna talk Althea?’

No.

White, Flight

jm phone blurry

“ASSHOLE!”

What?

“That ostrich nearly killed me!”

Wow, we never do two of these in a row.

“Shut up! Stop fucking with me!”

I’m a neutral observer, John.

“You are the opposite of both of the words in that phrase. And you’re an asshole.”

I’m an asshole? How’d you get away from the ostrich?

“You know the herd of bison that live on Catalina?”

Yes.

“Did you know that their natural enemy is the ostrich? They curbstomped him, man.”

Is Mike Tyson–

“Mike Tyson is riding one of the bison.”

–riding one of the bison? Right. I wish I could help, but Time Wars are messy things. It’s almost as if the existence of a time machine deravels the internal consistency of any universe, real or semi-fictional.

“Can I at least use the Time Sheath?”

If you can find it, sure. It’s not on Catalina Island. Actually, it might be. The Time Sheath sort of exists everywhere at once.

ANGRY CELL PHONE NOISE

“That doesn’t sound good.”

No, it sounds angry.

ANGRY CELL PHONE NOISE

You should answer that.

“Yeah.”

“Hel–”

“What the FUCK, JOHN?”

overheard-phone-conversations-with-andy-cohen-1-29449-1347476928-0_big

“Andyman!”

“Don’t you ‘Andyman’ me, jagoff. You left me to FUCKING DIE in Montana!”

“No! No! I thought you were dead! That’s why I left.”

“So, you brought me to Montana to die, and then left my corpse there.”

“I didn’t think there would be a corpse! Raptors!”

“We’re through, John.”

“Andy!”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

I’m sorry, buddy.

“This is all your fault.”

I didn’t make you join the Grateful Dead.

“I was talking about the dinosaurs and shit.”

Oh, sure.

Cohen, Alone

lol

“If any of my social media followers are watching this, please help me. Send for help. I don’t know who you’d call, but someone needs to be called. Please, my name is Andy Cohen and I’m famous. Please tell the authorities that a famous person needs help, so they’ll come quickly. Please, social media followers: alert first responders. I’m in Montana and John Mayer has been taken hostage by 1993, whatever the hell that means. Please call for help and also don’t leave any Harambe jokes in the comments. It’s enough.”

Andy?

“God?”

Kinda?

“Who are you?”

Thoughts on the Dead. Big fan.

“I don’t understand this.”

Are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?

“Honestly? The next person that says that to me is getting stabbed.”

Sure.

“I have no idea where John is, and I’m lost in the woods in Montana dressed in a flag. I just had a really deep conversation with a sound system, and also there are dinosaurs.”

Jurassic Park came out in ’93.

“Oh, well that makes it okay.”

Are they raptors?

“Yes. OJ’s riding one into battle.”

Battle?

“Oh, did I say ‘battle?’ I meant ‘diner.’ OJ Simpson rode a velociraptor into a diner in Bozeman, Montana.”

How did it go?

“How you’d expect.”

Sure.

“So many dead waiters.”

Why are you wearing a flag, anyway?

“Why aren’t you wearing a flag, Commie?”

Huh. I’ve never done this to a television personality before.

“What?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I don’t have my cell phone. I lost it running from the dinosaurs.”

Look again.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Oh, there it is.”

Right. Pick up the phone.

“Maybe it’s John.”

Maybe.

“Could be help.”

Could be.

“It’s not either of those things, is it? It’s going to be stupid, right?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

Pick up the phone, Andyman.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Life’s fine and dandy when you chat with Andy.”

“Please hold for the president.”

“Oh, thank God! Mr. President! Thank you for helping me!”

“That’s Madam President.”

“What now?”

katy perry human flag

“And I was calling to yell at you for biting me style. Don’t bite me, Andy.”

“Katy? Why are you calling yourself the president?”

“Because I am the president, Andy. I have the nuclear football.”

“With you?”

“it’s around here somewhere. I’m the president now, Andy. Remember when John’s house in Los Angeles blew up?”

“Is that why we had to come to Montana?”

“Well, you didn’t have to go to Montana, but you had to leave in the house. I blew it up, Andy. With missiles. I killed Donald Trump and OJ Simpson from 1993.”

“Yeah, you didn’t. They’re here in Montana riding dinosaurs and being terrible and yelling about a Time War. And I think they have a plan to blow up the World Trade Center for the first time for the second time.”

“That sounds like the kind of plan you’d see in a Time War.”

“Sure. Katy?”

“Miss America.”

“Uh-huh. How did you become president?”

“Remember the Democratic National Convention? I performed, and wore several outfits?”

“Great outfits.”

“Right, well: there was some sort of procedural vote. Several people tried to explain it to me, so I fired them. Something about hyper-delegates. Also, there’s an Electoral Dental College, Andy.”

“No, there isn’t.”

“Yes, Andy. They made me the president, and gave me the nuclear football, which I could have sworn I left right here.”

“Katy.”

“Gimme a sec. If I were a nuclear football, where would I be?”

“Katy.”

“Doctor Gary had it, and then I don’t remember the next few hours, and now I need it because I have to nuke Montana. Tuesdays!”

“Plus I had half-a-sleeve of Ritz crackers in nuclear football, and I want some.”

“Can you send someone, please? Or fix this? There shouldn’t be dinosaurs and temporally-displaced assholes wandering around Montana.”

“I told you I was going to nuke you, Andy.”

“Yeah, I was hoping I misheard you.”

“Gotta use nukes in a Time War, Andy. If you want to shut the Chronogate, you have to wobble gravitational waves. Takes a big boom.”

“Katy, John’s here somewhere. I don’t know where.”

“Was he kidnapped by 1993?”

“Yes, whatever that means.”

“Okay. Stay where you are, Andy. Whatever happens, I will find you!”

“Great.”

“Or drop a nuke on you.”

“Not as great.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hello?”

“Please hold for me, Katy Perry, who is the president.”

“Katy! Thank God! I’ve been kidnapped by 1993!”

“What does that mean, John?”

“I’m being held hostage by one of 1993’s greatest villains! A misguided, attention-seeking monster whose idiotic shenanigans have led to hundreds, if not thousands, of deaths!”

“Who, John, who?”

“Jenny McCarthy.”

“Wasn’t she the Playmate of the Year in ’93?”

“Was she? Wow. Interesting fact.”

“John?”

“Yes, Katy?”

jm surgicl gloves

“What are you doing?”

“She’s forcing me to do stuff to her, Katy.”

“I’m dropping a nuke on you, John.”

“I’m a hostage!”

“You’re gonna be a cinder.”

Time Keeps On Skipping

jm sweater andy cohen.jpg

“I can’t thank you enough, Andyman.”

“Don’t mention it, Johnboy.”

“Are you sure you don’t want a sweater?”

“Oh, is that what that is?”

“I brought an extra one for you.”

“I’m good.”

“So soft. The wool is made from reclaimed Cabbage Patch Kid hair.”

“So that’s why I smell baby powder.”

“I’ll just leave it on the table.”

“Under is fine, too.”

“Would you like to feel my cowl?”

“John, what’s going on? Why did we need to leave Los Angeles and come to Montana, which is apparently where rich people live now for some reason.”

“LA is a nightmare for me right now. Plus, I can’t be in my house for a few days.”

“Exterminators?”

“Sort of.”

“John, did you open the Chronogate?”

I didn’t! I didn’t do that at all!”

“Well, who did?”

“Are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“That’s me.”

“Oh, Andy, that is so sweet! Your ring tone is Dead & Company!”

“No. It’s the real Dead, John.”

“Okay, sure.”

“You play the song well, too.”

“You’re just saying that.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“We’ll discuss this later, or not. I’m gonna take this.”

“You’re on the phone with Andy Cohen.”

“What is this, Montana? Nice place to build a golf course, the best golf course.”

“I would play on that course.”

“Hi, there.”

oj donald trump keith hernandez

“John, it’s for you.”

“Dammit.”

“Yello?”

“You don’t get what a Time War is, do you, John? Sad!”

“Montana got a lot of white women.”

“I quit abusing coke, but I didn’t quit doing it.”

“Ohhhhh. Noooooo. Not you, Keith Hernandez. Why are you here?”

“Time War.”

“Time War.”

“1993’s gonna fuck you Jetsons up. This one’s for Harambe!”

“Hold, please.”

“Andyman?”

“Yes, Johnboy?”

“My problems have followed me to Montana.”

“They always do.”

Maybe It Was The Poses

bobby andy cohen hands thing.jpg

“I’m just so proud of Josh, Candy.”

“You were 0-for-2 there, Bob.”

“He’s come a long way as a musician and as a Grateful Dead. You should see him get tuggers now.”

“I would watch that.”

“And Billy’s gonna steal his road case full of hats and dump it in a river pretty soon, so that’s okay, too. He’s teaching us a lot, and we’re teaching him.”

“And what have you taught John, specifically?”

“Well, watch this.”

bobby jm chin hand

“See?”

“Wow.”

“Took him a while to get it, honestly. Don’t want to throw him under the Earthroamer, but that’s what happened. Poked himself in the eye a bunch.”

“Is that it, Bob?”

“Oh, no. Hooked him up with prayer hands.”

jm praying hands bravo

“Oooh, that’s good.”

“Right? Kid’s a natural. So proud of him. Took him a day to learn. Been trying to teach Chimenti to roll over for a decade, but that’s a lost cause. Josh is bright.”

“How about a selfie, Bob?”

“Sure, sure.”

bobby jm andy cohen selfie

“Josh, what was that?”

“Dammit! I meant to.”

“You managed to angle your watch towards the camera, but you can’t do hand on chin?”

“Bob, I spaced. I’m sorry. Let’s take another one.”

“You ruined it.”

Look At Me, I’m Andy C.

bobby jm bravo hands

“This new thing, Dead & Company, it’s got something. It’s cooking, y’know? Hot band. I haven’t learned the bass player’s name, but he’s a player. Real player.”

“What was that you were telling me about Garcia, Bob?”

“Oh, yeah. He’s still there. A little. I can see him out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I think he’s okay with what we’re doing.”

“Wow.”

“If he were alive, he’d still be in the Dead, of course.”

“Sure.

“And if Phil were alive, he’d still be in the band.”

“Nope.”

“Only, you know, only thing I got a problem with is the tempos. Some of those songs are just too slow. Especially the ones I sing.”

“Bobby.”

“Gotta goose it. Needs a little goosifying.”

“Bobby.”

“The choogle’s getting a bit droopy, is all I’m saying.”

“Bob, you complaining about the tempos being too slow is like Jack the Ripper complaining about all the dead whores.”

“Do you want to get dinner after this?”

andy cohen anderson cooper

“OH, FUCK THIS! NO!”

“What’s the matter?”

“I just got out of this bullshit reality.”

“You don’t like it? It’s kind of fun. Have you met Wally?”

HELLO, ANDERSON–DO NOT CALL ME THAT–COOPER. WE MEET AGAIN.

“Why have you accepted this weirdness so readily?”

“You never took acid, did you?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“In this situation? Quite a bit.”

Bravo, Your Home For Fashion

bobby jm andy cohen tiedye

“Look at this shirt, Bobby.”

“Wow.”

“You look surprised.”

“When I saw the shirt, I understood what Oppenheimer felt like watching the Trinity test.”

“Should we take another call?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Caller, you’re on with Bob Weir and Josh Meyers.”

“Andy!”

“Caller?”

“Heeeeeey, man.”

“Oh, hey, Soup.”

“Soup!”

“Your name is Soup?”

“I’m Soup, man.”

“And where are you calling from?”

“The dressing room down the hall, man. I’ve moved in, man.”

“What? Is that…is he…?”

PRODUCER WHISPER

“He’s really in there? So get him out.”

PRODUCER WHISPER

“What do you mean there’s a talking PA system in your way?”

First Time Caller, Long Time Enthusiast

bobby jm andy cohen commercial

“Bob, a number of Real Housewives have told me that they’d like to marry you for your money.”

“Smart ladies.”

“So you’d consider it?”

“I already got a wife, Natasha Monster. And, you know: she’s not a pill-popping, social media-addicted lunatic.”

“Okay, so that’s a no. What do you think of the Kardashians?”

“Really held the Ottoman Empire together.”

“Khloe tells me that she can only climax if a ’73 Here Comes Sunshine is playing.”

“Not the first time I’ve heard that.”

“I love your pants.”

“Alan, they were sold to me as a lengthy short.”

“How about we take a call?”

“Sure. Do you want me to wait in the other room?”

“It’s not a private call, Bob. We’re on TV.”

“Oh, that’s what the cameras are for. I thought we were in Josh’s hotel room. He’s got the place wired for surveill–”

“Why don’t we take that call, Andy?”

“Good idea, Josh.”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“Hello, caller?”

“Hello? Is John there?”

“I recognize that voice! Is this international superstar Katy Perry?”

“Yes! I recognize your voice! It’s an honor to talk to Scatman Crothers.”

“No, Katy. It’s Andy Cohen. I just have a cold.”

“Oh.”

“Where are you?”

katy perry giant robot

“I’m being held hostage by a giant robot in Japan.”

“Katy, it’s John. Can I call you back?”

“John! Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

“Because I’m on TV, sweetie.”

“Cable.”

“Close enough.”

“John, the actual ninjas killed all the Scottish ninjas and took me to Japan and then the giant robots killed the actual ninjas and threw them in the ocean. One of them washed up in Rio, John.”

“We really shouldn’t combine storylines like this.”

“John!”

“Okay, fine. Katybird–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–we got one song and two Jimi Hendrix stories to get through, and then we’re back on the bus and heading your way. Now please let’s not talk about this on television any more.”

“Cable.”

“Still.”

“Bob?”

“Yeah, Dandy?”

“What exactly is happening?”

“Huh. Good question. Are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?”

Do We Have Time For A Number?

bobby jm andy cohen bravo

On the carpet, the red splotch in the middle: that’s the head of Jebediah Springfield.

Also: double-portion of potato salad.

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