Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: andy cohen (page 2 of 3)

Somewhat Oblivious Tales Of The City

Screen Shot 2016-06-28 at 11.58.43 PM

“Here’s Johnny Boy.”

“Look out, look out: the Andyman.”

“Do you want to tell everyone out there in TV land about our weekend at Santa Clara?”

“We roadtripped!”

“In the Earthroamer, yeah.”

“You pooped a lot in it.”

“I don’t know what it was: I got in the thing and just had to go.”

“I’m finding out that’s a universal reaction.”

“We went to see the Dead and then that was the weekend that marriage equality passed, so we went out.”

“Right. You took me to a number of saloons for homosexuals.”

“Or gay bars. Whichever.”

“We paraded up and down Fancy Street.”

“Or went to several bars. Either, John.”

“There was the Ramrod.”

“What?”

“Not your Ramrod, Bob.”

“Ah.”

“And then we went to the Abbey. Then the Ginger Beer.”

“The Irish gay bar.”

“We were all over the place, Andy: The Tufted Tush, Fort Dicks, Tallywhackers, the Frisky-a-Go-Go.”

“They closed the Frisky.”

“Why?”

“Everything.”

“It was a bit of a dive. Was that the place they were filming the gay porn?”

“This might be a better story for the web-only portion of the interview, John.”

“There were gay porn stars all over the place, and quite a few gay porn character actors. One fellow introduced himself to me as the ‘Paul Giamatti of gay porn.'”

“John.”

“His name was Thrilling Fist.”

“John.”

“I assume that’s not his real name.”

“You’ve gotten weird since you started hanging out with these people, John.”

“Don’t say that, Andyman.”

“I’d be a bear, right? If I were gay, that’s what I’d be called, right? Bear?”

“Yes, Bob.”

“That’s just great.”

Well, That Happened (Live)

bobby big hands jm andy cohen bravo

“And I’d never seen a ham that large.”

“It does seem like a large ham, Bob.”

“So, you know: people needed to know how generous my new bandmate was. I held the ham up like this.”

“Oh, is that why you’ve been making that gesture?”

“I’m having another out-of-body experience.”

“That’s the third one since the last commercial break, Bob.”

“They’re fun. Ooh, I’m ’bout 25 feet up.”

“Careful of the lights.”

“Well, you know, Randy: it’s not exactly a corporeal thing.”

“Johnny Boy?”

“Andyman?”

“Is he always like this?”

“No, no. Sometimes he’s distracted.”

The Television Business Is Uglier Than Most Things

bobby jm andy cohen technician bravo

“I didn’t see you in the van, Oteil.”

“Bob, shh.”

Watch What Happens Live/Dead 4

Screen Shot 2016-06-29 at 12.44.11 AM

At 11 minutes and forty seconds into the taping, all three men lost the will to live.

Watch What Happens Live/Dead 3

bobby andy cohen bravo

“I left my body in Egypt, Alan.”

“Andy.”

“We were playing poorly and I was looking at the moon. And, you know: it was a very foreign moon. Meant something. And I kinda went towards it, up, maybe twelve feet. Right about eye level with Walton.”

“Bill Walton, who is very famous.”

“Sure, great guy. And I’m, you know, levitating and I see the future and the past. Also sideways a little bit. Anyway: that was a big one. Not that rare, though, the out-of-body experiences.”

“What do you mean, Bob?”

“I lapse in and out of total consciousness four or five times a day.”

“Wow.”

“I’ve watched myself shower quite a bit.”

“Bobby, let’s take a call.”

“This is a call-in show? Oh, okay. Great. Let’s give out some sex advice.”

“It’s not Loveline, Bob.”

“Here’s Bob Weir’s number one sex tip: have a roadie guard the door.”

“Okay. We have our first caller. From Mount Tamalpais, California. Lillian, are you there?”

“WE DEMAND VEGAN TALK SHOWS!”

“Hey, sis. Artie–”

“Nope.”

“–this is my sister-in-law, Lillian Monster.”

“SOLAR POWERED CAMERAS NOW!”

“Is she holding a bullhorn up to her phone?”

“Almost certainly.”

Watch What Happens Live/Dead 2

Screen Shot 2016-06-28 at 11.58.43 PM

“Hello all you Bravo watchers. I’m Andy Cohen and welcome to Watch What Happens Live. We’ll return you to Real Housewives of Flint in just a moment, but here with me are Bob Weir and John Mayer from the hottest band in the land, Dead & Company.”

“Thanks for having us, Andy.”

“Who’s John?”

“You guys are on tour as we speak playing to sold-out stadiums, so thanks for taking the time to come visit our little show.”

“Anything for you, buddy.”

“We have a Time Sheath, so–”

“Bobby, let’s not–”

“–it’s not really a problem.”

“–talk about the time machine on television.”

“I’ll just zip back and not say it.”

“You are continuing to casually talk about time travel.”

“Do you two need a minute?”

“We literally have all the time in the world. Y’see, we have this device–”

“BOB!”

Watch What Happens Live/Dead

bobby andy cohen 2

The silver fox that Bobby is telling Jimi Hendrix stories to is Andy Cohen, who ran the Bravo channel for a long while and now has a talk show on the network. Older Enthusiasts might remember that Bravo used to show operas and jazz concerts, and that no one watched it. Andy had the idea of being much less deep and far more gay, and now lots and lots of people watch it. Andy created all those shows where the most awful women in a particular city throw wine at one another. Andy is rich as fuck.

He’s also a Deadhead and he wrote a touching essay about his trip to Santa Clara (with his buddy Young John Mayer) and what it was like being gay on tour back in the 80’s. Go read it.

Tonight–in just a few minutes, actually–he’ll be hosting Bobby and Young John Mayer on Watch What Happens Live, which will not be live because Dead & Company are playing right now, and also you can’t have any Grateful Deads on a live call-in show. Hippies start calling up and talking foolishness.

Tribes Within Tribes, Man

deadhead comic2

deadhead comic
Now, I may or may not agree (or just want to agree) with the “bubble of the Sixties” thing, but I like the way this guy draws skeleton faces, so I forgave any faults I might have with the text.

Also, the artist–a guy named Kristian B. Kirk whose work can be seen here–is from Denmark, and his English is better than my whatever-the-hell-Denmarkians-speak. Danish? Is that a language? It’s a pastry, but is it a language?

Pss pss pss.

I have been informed that Danish is a language. Congratulations, Danish. Also, your dogs are better than good.

The one thing that stood out to me was the lack of a name for gay Deadheads. Enthusiasts who started out on burgundy, but soon began to hit the harder stuff could–and still can–enjoy shows with their brothers and sisters in sobriety as a Wharf Rat. Jews for Jerry had alliteration going for it, at the least; Deafheads was punchy and to the point.

Gay Deadheads?

“Sarge?”

“Yeah, Jenkins?”

“As gay Deadheads, I feel that my experience is slightly different from the majority of the crowd; I’d like to share it with my compatriots, and also meet cute hairy guys.”

“Okay. A group for gay Deadheads. What are you gonna call it?”

” I was thinking ‘gay Deadheads.'”

“Jenkins, are you sure you’re gay?”

“Gay as you are, Sarge.”

“That’s pretty gay.”

“You’re telling me.”

“Anyway, Jenkins: let’s not go with our first idea, especially when it’s yours.”

“Aww.”

Anyway, this brings up a question: was there any sort of official (well, you know: official by the rules of the parking lot) gathering of LGBTDH’s? And if there was, they surely must have had a better name than “gay Deadheads.” Andy Cohen was a gay Deadhead and he came up with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and no matter what your thoughts on that show, it’s a good name.

Possible Names for the Gay Deadhead Club:

  • Gaying in the Band.
  • The Handsome Cabin Boys.

Stop this immediately.

Aww.

Try To Keep Up

Oh my goodness and my gracious: there is so much going on. I am getting dizzy, and would like one of the servants to pour a mercury-based elixir in my ear!

Really?

It’s exhausting. Can I get real with you?

Fuck, no.

Well, I’m gonna. For the rest of this paragraph, assume I am speaking to you while seated in a chair backwards.

That sincere?

Totes, fam.

Ew.

I actually do feel the tiniest bit of responsibility towards the Enthusiasts in at least mentioning what’s going on in Deadworld, and as up-to-date as possible.

And?

I just wanted to leave a little room in between the sincerity and the normal guy, who re-took the reins at the beginning of this sentence.

Ah. So: the imagined and slight pressure you have decided to choose to partake in: this is overwhelming you?

Yes.

You are not John Henry.

My motor idles at a lower RPM than, say, Elon Musk, sure.

Was all of this leading to something?

Yes: there’s a bunch of articles and whatnot to link to or mention.

You could have just done that.

But how would everyone know how much I resented them for having to do it unless I talked to myself for 200 words before getting to it?

Please just do something constructive.

Here ya go:

This is Bravo TV’s Andy Cohen on his road trip to the Santa Clara shows with Young John Mayer, and it’s a well-written article and approaches the whole thing from the gay perspective, which is an almost-entirely untold story of Deadworld and one that’s interesting, I’d bet.

There are also lovely photos, one of which is of Young John Mayer’s van, Young Van Mayer. I will mock this vehicle in the weeks to come.

VICE weighed in on the Chicago shows in the timely fashion that they’re known for. The author is in his 20’s and all the pictures were run through Deep Dream, so if you can make it more than three paragraphs in, then you are a better man than I, Gunga Din.

(It’s quite enough with Deep Dream. It’s not a “computer dreaming,” maaaaaaan. It’s a shitty filter that draws dogs on everything.)

This is an interview that Young John Mayer did about Dead & Company. He apparently did this interview with a John Mayer forum, which is a lot like the Frost/Nixon interviews, or for you Euro-hipsters, Orianna Falacci chatting with the Ayatollah.

I have not read the whole thing, or any of it. It is on the list.

Bobby sits down with Dan Rather tonight on something called AXSTV, which is just random letters. Is it a channel? What channel? 137-and-a-half? Is it UHF? Is it AXSTV.com and it’s one of those Huff Post deals where they pretend it’s a TV show, but they only show i on the innertubes? Do I have to get a taxi to JFK and watch it on the little screen in the back?

And if you’re looking for the source of this “21 shows” rumor, then here’s good ol’ Grateful Dean. Grains of salt at your own discretion.

To Lay Me Down (Ineffectually)

I am posting these pics under formal protest against this nap that simply will not take. Did I not lay down all sleepy-shluffy? Were there not David Attenborough-narrated nature documentaries on the Netflix?

I blame Peter Shapiro.

Let’s see what’s going on around the Dead’s world:

jeff chimenti bruce“Bruce, I’m gonna show them my power.”

“Jeff Chimenti: do not do that. They can’t handle your power. Bobby can’t even stand.”

“Power’s gotta come out, man.”

“You look like a drag queen’s Emmylou Harris routine.”

“Fuck off, Bruce.”

mickey billy
“Hey, Billy?”

“How’d you get up there?”

“No idea. Listen: can I have some real drumsticks?”

“Out of the question. You realize how much embossing Stealies on all those mallets and brushes was?”

“I guess. Can I bring every drum ever made?”

“Oh, sure, definitely.”

IMG_0902
Were you aware that Bill Walton enjoys the Grateful Dead? He doesn’t really wear it on his sleeve – his freakishly large, surgically reconstructed sleeve.

10932434_383741128501547_1271544524_nPeople failed to recognize John Mayer’s buddy Andy Cohen in the previous shot; he is an executive at the Bravo channel and has some sort of talk show where he gets drunk with reality stars.

John Mayer is most often referred to as a douchebag; Andy Cohen has never been called this because douchebags are for vaginas and Andy Cohen is most assuredly not for vaginas.

Older posts Newer posts
%d bloggers like this: