Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: animal

Science Marches Forward

Have you heard about falcons? Not the Falcons, just regular falcons. Swoop swoop, kaw kaw, that kind of bullshit. Real good eyesight? You know: falcons. Anyway, it turns out they’re parrots. Falcons are genetically closer to the brightly-colored chatterboxes that people inexplicably keep in their homes than they are to the other raptors that they more closely resemble. Falcons look like hawks and eagles due to convergent evolution: there’s an optimal shape for a bird of prey.

This is one of many new discoveries about animals that scientists are making every day; TotD now presents New Animal Discoveries:

  • Cows are actually fat horses.
  • Similarly, donkeys are ugly horses.
  • Crocodiles are merely alligators whose parents didn’t have the money for braces.
  • Hummingbirds are not birds at all, but Mormons.
  • Woodchucks prefer to be called woodcharles.
  • Dogs and cats can and do live together quite peaceably.
  • Caterpillars don’t turn into butterflies; this myth was started by a Disney documentary in 1957.
  • Galapagos tortoises only live to be around 50, but they lie about their age. (“How old am I? Um…135? Yeah, let’s say 135.”)
  • The Chinese red panda and the North American raccoon are related, but haven’t spoken since the incident at Uncle Harold’s wedding.
  • If you cross a lion with a tiger, you get a liger; if you cross a lion, you get eaten.
  • There are over one hundred species of fruit bat, and none of them is capable of understanding Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis.
  • No chickens are ducks, but some ducks are chickens.

Animals It Is Moral To Shoot

Lionfish. Here, look:

TotD supports bringing Gatling guns underwater and massacring lionfish like it was the last scene of The Wild Bunch. Everything that Trump supporters say about illegal immigrants is actually true about lionfish: they’re invading our neighborhoods, they’re not supposed to be here, they’re taking our fishes’ jobs, they’re drug dealers and rapists. (Some, I assume, are good fish.) Lionfish are covered in poisonous knives, breed like wet rats, and have no natural predators.

They are, however, supposedly rather tasty; execute them, bread them, and bring them to me with cocktail sauce and a swee’tea.

Polar bears Maybe Global Warming isn’t killing the bears, maybe the bears’ dying is causing Global Warming? Ever think of that, Al Gore?

Black bear He looked like he had a gun; you know how unpredictable those black bears can be.

Burmese python This is like the lionfish one: I do not support a cull of Burmese pythons in Burma. (Although now that I think of it: shouldn’t they be called Myanmarese pythons?) In Florida, though, where idiot snake-owners (redundant) released their “pets” to propagate throughout the Everglades, eating everything they see? Hand me my boomstick.

Hyena on PCP Kill on sight.

Mosquito Although you shouldn’t shoot them with a gun. Unless you’re Annie Oakley, you’re going to miss because mosquitos are very small. Mosquitos must be murdered, though: wait until they’re halfway through feeding off you, then flex that muscle and lock them to you, and then slap them. So much blood! (But you might have Zika, though. I change my mind: shoot mosquitos with shotguns.)

The spell-check is telling me that the plural of mosquito is mosquitoes, with an “e,” but my spell-check is an idiot.

Koala Wanna get famous reeeeeal quick? Shoot a koala; make sure someone films it.

Werewolfs You can absolutely shoot werewolfs, but be warned: first of all, you need a silver bullet; second, when werewolfs are killed, they transform back into their human forms. This means when the cops show up, you’re going to be standing over a naked guy with a literally-smoking gun in your hand, and they will almost certainly not believe your story.

The spell-check is telling me that the plural of werewolf is werewolves, but my spell-check is an idiot.

Babadook I don’t know if shooting a babadook will kill it, but you should try anyway.

Komodo dragon Try to run first, okay? At least make a show of running, but then kill the monster. Or, you know: just don’t go to the one island they live on and nothing has to die. But, like, if you’re on Monster Island by accident and a dragon wants to get froggy? Put two in its temple. And then two more. And then keep shooting until it doesn’t have a head anymore, because it is literally a dragon.

Animal Instinct

Spring is marked by many natural occurrences; which one you get is determined by geography. In Capistrano, the swallows return. In D.C. and Japan, the cherry blossoms bloom for a few short weeks. And in our national parks, morons try to pet bison.

Now, you know I’m not talking to you because you’re smart enough not to pet a hellcow, but perhaps you have morons for relatives. Perhaps you have a moron-in-law or two? This is for them, and you should feel free to share it, but don’t mention that it’s because you think they’re morons. They will get angry, and then do something stupid. Because they are morons.

(I apologize if I seem cranky, but this drives me insane: don’t bother animals. And what drives me further over the cliffs of insanity is when the idiot who tries to give a bison a scritchy-scratch doesn’t get punished for it.)

For their edification, TotD presents What To Do When Encountering Animals:

Dog Make friends with the dog.

Bison Stay in your car. Or, if on foot, remain at least 500 yards away and preferably downwind. If you accidentally kill a bison (I have no idea how you accidentally kill a bison), then you must use every part of it.

Shark Punch it in the nose.

Anteater Punch it in the nose. (It is much easier to punch an anteater in the nose than a shark.)

Puma Make yourself as big as possible.

Cougar Make yourself as small as possible.

Mountain lion Make yourself as sexy as possible.

Pangolin Exchange addresses and become pen pals.

Humpbacked whale Kidnap and take back to the future in a Klingon Bird of Prey.

Bee Encourage the bee, as we need more of them and they do wonderful work.

Hornet Exterminate the hornet, as they are of the devil and possessed of an assholish temperament.

All other bugs If outside, take care to avoid; if in your house, drop the hammer.

Rattlesnake Pet. (Honest. Rattlesnakes just get a bad rap: they’re the pit bulls of the snake world. Rattlesnakes are actually so sweet and loving, and if you get a chance to see one, then you should pet it. You’ll be amazed at what happens next.”)

Bald eagle Salute.

‘Squatch Take a damn picture. Hell, shoot it. Shoot it and bring back the corpse. And while you’re doing that, take lots of pictures and also some video. Prove to that ex-wife of yours that you’re not an idiot. Become famous. Insert your leaky parts into Instagram hotties and reality TV washouts. Try cocaine just once. Spend all your money on cocaine. End up under a bridge. Find a bridge troll. Take a picture of the bridge troll. Hell,¬† shoot it and bring back the corpse. And while–

Refrigerator-nosed salamander This is not a thing. Stop making shit up.

Tasmanian tiger You should stop playing with the Time Sheath.

Norwegian grey rat Allow to accompany you on adventures until it propagates throughout the entire planet. (TotD is getting word that Europeans have already done this. Sorry.)

Tarantula If you’re a weird creep, then own. If you’re any sort of decent and moral human being, then run screaming. Then, if you have the ability, call in an air strike.

Pigeon Ignore.

Duck Feed.

Goose Hire local border collie to chase from the area until it gets the point.

Coyote Do not mistake for dog. Dog rules are 100% not in effect for coyotes. They do not want belly rubs.

Coyoté Pay him $5000 and get in his van; soon, you will be in America.

Walrus Why would you encounter a walrus? Let me be more specific: why would you encounter a walrus and not already know how to deal with it? You should not be getting your walrus-encountering advice from me. It would be professional malfeasance to even suggest anything.

Arctic hare Why are you wandering around the north pole running into animals? Are you looking for the Fortress of Solitude? I’m questioning your lifestyle right now, and I don’t think I want you using a bathroom with my daughter or wife.

Mogwai Don’t get ’em wet, don’t expose ’em to bright light, and don’t ever feed ’em after midnight.

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