Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: annabelle garcia (page 1 of 2)

You Find That Your Brothers And Sisters Have Gone

Tiff Garcia passed away today at the age of 79. Condolences to the Garcia family.

Something Sweet

You know Annabelle and Trixie, but those are Trey’s daughters, Kay and Fay, on the outside.

Gets Cold In The Mountains

Stay away from the one on the right.

“Mountain Girl?”

My right.

“Oh. Yeah, no problem. Trixie’s a beautiful woman, but I’m a happily married man.”

How old’s the kid now?

“Going on three.”

Teaching him how to play yet?

“Of course! Dead’s gonna need a new bass player in a couple decades.”

The music’s never gonna stop, is it?

“Nope. Hey, uh, I thought you were taking care of that guy.”

Which guy?

“You know which guy.”

Goddammit.

“You vill take care of Putin?”

I’m gonna chase your Commie ass back to the Caucuses.

“Putin do nothing wrong. Is vitch hunt.”

No witch hunt, no witch hunt.

“Leave Putin alone. Is time for…how you say in English? Covfefe?”

Coffee.

“You see vhat Putin did?”

Yes.

“Putin love coffee. Best part of vaking up is having your enemies murdered. And also Folger’s.”

Get away from Red Rocks.

“Red Rocks is historically part of Russia.”

Totally isn’t.

“Many Russian citizens here being oppressed by jam bands. Putin liberate.”

The only thing you liberate is other people’s money.

“Use money to buy giant hats. You like hat?”

No!

“You like hat?”

No.

“You like hat?”

Yeah, fine, it’s a cool hat.

“And jacket?”

Jacket’s pretty cool, too.

“Putin vins again.”

I hate you.

“Da.”

Gatecrashers At The Pipes Of Dawn

Hello, Trixie. You’ve gone pinkish.

“I need you to be honest with me: are you going to show up at my house one day?”

Am I invited?

“No. Not at all.”

Then I will not.

“Promise?”

I don’t have the follow-through to be a stalker.

“I’ll take it.”

This is a very sweet picture.

“I know, right? Jerry’s girls. All eight of us.”

Your dad loved him his guitars.

“When I was a kid and went to my friends’ houses, I would think it was weird that their dads didn’t sit there playing scales while they were talking to us.”

This is Red Rocks for the big concert?

“Yeah! Bobby’s here and Oteil and John Mayer and Warren and Melvin. My whole family. It’s been great, really great.”

I’m very happy to hear that.

“Except for that guy.”

Which guy?

“The shirtless guy right over there. No one knows how he got backstage, but he won’t leave.”

Lemme handle it. Hey!

“Shto?”

Oh, fuck.

“Do nyet be harshing Putin’s mellow. Putin is on vacay.”

Get away from the Garcias.

“Do Garcias write about me?”

No.

“Then they are in no danger. Putin have very stressful year. Tired of so much vinning. Must relax.”

You don’t have to do it at Red Rocks during a Jerry Garcia tribute concert.

“Could nyet get Baker’s Dozen tickets.”

I find that hard to believe.

“Putin nyet up to anything. Have James Patterson novel. Vill read by pool.”

You’re up to something.

“This is how Putin gets groove back.”

I’m watching you.

“And me, you.”

City Chooglers II: The Search For Bobby’s Gold

This is the shot they print on the front page of the paper: DAY HIKERS EATEN BY BEAR, EACH OTHER.

OR

Bobby’s got a new hat? Bobby’s wearing his new hat. Simple equation.

A Ragged Narrative

Here’s a neat photo: Annabelle Garcia in front of the American flag from the picture. You know, the one from the picture.

Really? Oh, fine:

(It should be noted with a wistful and wrinkled grin that Garcia is about half Annabelle’s age in this pic.)

Apparently, Mountain Girl kept the thing up in the attic for all these years, possibly in her hope chest, and the family dug it out this week. Jim Irsay has already called the house a dozen times trying to buy it.

“WHY IS HAIRY GARCIA TRYIN’ TO OUT-AMERICA THE KING?”

Shit.

“AH’M UNCLE SAM, THASS WHO AH AM.”

Take that off and get out of here.

“YOU WATCH YER TONE, BOY! AH AM HERE TO LOVE AMERICA AND BEAT SOME HIPPIE ASS, AN’ YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE AMERICA T’ ME!”

I don’t want you in the same post as Annabelle. She doesn’t deserve this.

“OH, AH DID NOT SEE YOU THERE.”

GIANT HAT TIPPING NOISE

“MA’AM.”

Don’t talk to her; she’s not a character.

“IZZAT HAIRY GARCIA’S LISA MARIE?”

He had more than one, but I guess you could say that.

“HOW DARE YOU, BOY! WHY WOULD YOU NOT INFORM ME OF TH’ PRESENCE OF HAIRY GARCIA’S GIRL-CHILD? HOW C’N AH FULLY ENJOY USIN’ MAH KARATE TO DEFEAT HIM KNOWIN’ HIS LI’L GIRL WAS WATCHIN’?”

That would make it tough, yeah.

“YOU KNOW WHAT AH LOVE MOST ‘BOUT AMERICA?”

No, what?

“MORNIN’S.”

Mornings?

“UH-HUH.”

That’s it?

“UH-HUH.”

You want to expound on that a bit?

“AH’LL EXPOUND ON YER HEAD! YOU KNOW WHAT WITH?”

Karate?

“KARATE! MAYBE A LI’L NINJA STUFF.”

You know Ninjitsu?

“AH AM A MASTER, ‘CEPT F’R THE STEALTH PART.”

That’s a big part of being a ninja, Elvis.

“AH AM VERY SNEAKY, BUT YOU TRY GETTIN’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA TO SHUT UP AN’ STOP PLAYIN’ GRABASS.”

Sure.

“THEM SOME GRABASSTIC SUMBITCHES.”

Like to fool around.

“THEY ALWAYS CUTTIN’ UP, TRYIN’ TO MAKE THEIR KING LAUGH. OTHER DAY, CHARLIE HODGE DONE ATE A PENCIL JUS’ T’ GET ME T’ GIGGLIN’. ”

Did you?

“NOT AT FIRST, MAN, BUT THEN CHARLIE HODGE DIDN’T WANNA EAT TH’ ERASER, SO AH PULLED A PISTOL ON HIM AN’ MADE HIM. THAT WAS FUNNY.”

I really hate your stories.

“PINK SUCKER GOT STUCK IN HIS THROAT. ALMOST DIED RIGHT THERE IN TH’ JUNGLE ROOM.”

Stop talking.

“AH WOULD HAVE HONORED CHARLIE HODGE IN DEATH BY MOUNTIN’ HIS HEAD ON TH’ WALL, AN’ LAID BENEATH HIM A WREATH COMPOSED OF TH’ SCARVES AN’ WATER HE BROUGHT ME SO OFTEN.”

He was an important part of the show.

“AH ONCE TRIED TO GET MAHSELF WATER. ENDED UP IN TH’ HOSPITAL F’R A WEEK.”

Wow.

“AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, AH DID NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO FETCH MAHSELF A SCARF.”

Good idea.

“AH DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE KEEP TH’ SCARVES.”

Maybe a closet?

ACTUAL PHONE NOISE

“THASS A PHONE, MAN.”

Yeah. Not mine.

“OH, AH SEE IT.”

“AH AM HAVIN’ TROUBLE WITH TH’ PHONE!”


Can’t you do anything by yourself?

“MAKE LOVE TO AN AUDIENCE.”

Sure.

“TH’ CORD’S WRAPPED AROUND MAH NECK!”

Jesus, you’re useless.

“HELP ME, JOE ESPOSITO! RED! SONNY! MISS MARY!”

Just unravel the cord, Elvis.

“THIS DAMN THING GOTTA MIND OF ITS OWN!”

Stop struggling.

“ISS WRAPPED UP IN MAH SCARF!”

Relax.

“AH FIGURED IT OUT.”

Good job.

“LEMME TAKE THIS. IT MUS’ BE IMPORTANT. THEY CALLIN’ ON TH’ RED PHONE.”

Sure.

“DEPUTY PRESLEY SPEAKIN.'”

“Чou not police.”

“AH HAVE TH’ SHINIEST BADGES YOU EVER SAW, BOY!”

“I am man. You are boy.

“ANNOUNCE YERSELF SO THAT AH MAY KNOW WHO T’ KARATE!”

“Is Putin.”

“PUTIN FROM TH’ FLAMIN’ GROOVIES?”

“Next person mentions Flaming Groovies gets poisoned.”

“DONTCHOO THREATEN THE KING, BOY.”

“Putin do better than threaten. Putin blackmail. Ve have tapes of your decadence.”

“AH DON’T KNOW THAT SONG.”

“Is not song.”

“EV’RYTHING ELVIS TOUCHES IS BY DEFINITION A SONG.”

“I need you to focus.”

“AH NEED YOU T’ SPEAK WITH LESS OF AN ACCENT.”

“Videotapes, Elvis America. Ve have tapes of you doing things to young ladies. So naughty.”

“YOU DO, HUH?”

“DA.”

OFFICE DOOR OPENING NOISE

“Господин Путин, ленты ушли!

Какие!?”

“Ленты ушли в прошлое.”

Убирайся!”

OFFICE DOOR CLOSING NOISE

“Vell played.”

“YOU AIN’T NEVER FUCKED WITH NO ONE WITH A TIME CAPE BEFORE, HAVE YA?”

“Not cape, no.”

“THIS GONNA BE TH’ LAST AH HEAR O’ YER COMMIE ASS?”

“Da.”

“DAMN STRAIGHT.

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH TOY PHONES DO NOT DO THAT

Good for you, King.

“CAN’T STAND ME A COMMIE.”

Nobody out-Americas Elvis.

“PRAISE TH’ LORD.”

Woody And Buzzed*

If you’ve ever wanted to know the full extent of any successful actor’s self-regard, look at this picture in which Woody Harrelson is sitting next to a Grateful Dead, and has not handed the guitar to him.

OR

“Susan, I don’t care if you are a zombie. I think you’re the person to decorate the Dead’s green room. What are you thinking in terms of candles?”

“Braaaaaaaaaaains.”

“Good idea.”

OR

Annabelle Garcia took this shot; you can see her in the mirror. Hi, Annabelle!

OR

That’s some quality fuckin’ stemware, I’m tellin’ ya.

OR

Billy took third place in a “Neil Young Seen From Behind” lookalike contest.

OR

Red wine and a bushy white beard can’t be the best combination.

 

*I’m so pleased with this title.

All That Could Not Sink Or Swim

annabelle keith drawing

Annabelle posted this drawing, along with a short, sad, and funny story about Keith saving her life on Instagram; I thought as many people should see it as possible.

Happy birthday, Keith.

(Also: it is a shock any of the children made it to adulthood.)

Ladies Man

Jerry-and-Heather

Happy Father’s Day, Garcia.

“Shh.”

Sorry.

“Just got her to sleep.”

What’s the point of a baby sleeping if you can’t Instagram it?

“What?”

Nothing. That’s Heather, right?

“Yeah.”

Pretty name.

“Pretty girl. I like girls. Some guys wanna have boys, but I like girls.”

That is good to hear.

“Why?”

jerry wives daughters

“Good God, what is that?”

Your family.

“Just one?”

Couple of ’em.

“I gotta get some gigs, man.”

Happy Father’s Day.

“Sure, yeah.”

New Year’s Steve

IMG_4372

Parish gave his last fuck in 1987; he was burying another rando (touched Garcia) and the ground was tough. He had to use the shovel as a spade to chop through a thick root buried under the dirt. It just wouldn’t give, and Parish put his foot up on the shovel to give himself leverage and SHKRAK the fibrous gnarl gave way to tender soil beneath.

And as the root split, so did Parish’s last fuck. In later years, Parish would wonder what the two things had to do with one another, but then he would realize he didn’t give a fuck.

(Also: I have nothing but love and respect for my sister-in-law Annabelle Garcia, but she may or may not know how to spell Parish’s last name. Perhaps Parish spelled it wrong on his book. We’ll never know.)

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