“Good morning, everyone. Go Sox. I’m glad you’re all here. I have a prepared statement to read, and then I won’t be taking any questions.

“I am saddened and angry that a man who I worked with used his position of power to intimidate, sexually harass and manipulate many women over decades. The additional allegations of assault that I read this morning made me sick. This is completely unacceptable, and I find myself asking what I can do to make sure this doesn’t happen to others. We need to do better at protecting our sisters, friends, co-workers and daughters. We must support those who come forward, condemn this type of behavior when we see it and help ensure there are more women in positions of power.

“Thank you. That was my statem–”

CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Ah. Right. I would, uh, also like to apologize to the reporter on MTV whose tit I grabbed, We all need to do better at protecting our sisters, friends, co-workers, and daughters from people like me. It was a shameful action, but may I add that I did not have any knowledge of Harvey Weinstein’s many, many crimes while I was grabbing that chick’s tit.

CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Huh. Further, I would like to extend my deepest apologies to the reporter on Telemundo. It was wrong of me to spend the entire interview discussing your breasts. That was sexist, and I can do better. Also, referring to them as “caliente cha-chas” was at least a little bit racist, and so I apologize for that, too.”

CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Goddammit, I forgot about that one. I sincerely regret making that waitress at The Ivy play ‘Tune In, Tokyo’ with me. I mean: that chick was totally into me, but I regret it and we need to promote women into positions of power.

“Let’s note, though, that Harvey Weinstein was not present at that meal, and–again–I had no knowledge of his terrible deeds.”

CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Well, look at that. There is apparently video of me asking Harvey to tell me some of his funny rape stories. Was not expecting that. This alleged video makes me sick. Daughter daughter daughter.

“Anyway, folks: we all good? I have made my statement and now I’m gonna go back to being Batman.”

CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“I have been informed my brother is in the back of the room masturbating at interns.”

“YO, BENNY! I’M FACKIN’ JERKIN’ IT!”

“Goddamn it.”

“GONNA CUM WICKED HAHD!”

“Go Sox.”