Benjy, you be nice to Swaggie Maggie.
“I’m the nicest guy in the world.”
She’s a sweet young woman who is just starting out in this world. Do not instigate foolishness.
“Dude, you’re talking to the wrong person. Watched her lift three wallets and pull a chick’s hair extensions out for eyeballing her.”
“I’m pretty sure she’s carrying a knife.”
I’m ignoring you. What have you been up to?
“Talking to lawyers. I, too, am a victim of sexual harassment. I am a brave survivor.”
Benjy, Billy did not sexually harass you.
“It started small. I believe he was grooming me. Comments about my appearance. Waking me up with his sack on my face. He liked when I watched him brush his teeth. He would, like, tongue the toothbrush while making eye contact with me in the mirror.”
None of this occurred.
“At least once a week, he would tell me that I looked sick and take my temperature.”
“Not in my mouth.”
We all get it, Benj.
“–ally. Okay. And, honestly? I don’t think it was a thermometer some of the times.”
It’s not right that you’re saying these things.
“We were out by the pool once, and he made me bounce my junk on the diving board.”
“He called it Cannonballing.”
You are not telling the truth.
“On numerous occasions, Billy sicced the skank on me.”
You can’t sic skank.
“Tell that to the skank and my nipples. They were puffed out like cherries for a week.”
What did the skank do to your nipples, Benjy?
“I don’t want to talk about it. Hurts too much.”
You feel emotional pain over the incident, I understand.
“No, my nipples still hurt.”
Ah. Benjy, everything you’re saying is fake news.
“Da. Is fake news. Hello, Svaggie Maggie.”
“Putin get svole for young chickiedoodle. Come to Putin, Svaggie Maggie.”
NO! You stay the hell away from Swaggie Maggie!
“Need new vife.”
Current one gonna have an accident soon?
You’re a monster.
“Monster vith pecs of steel. Putin vork chest and tris today, back and bis tomorrow.”
When’s leg day?
“I do leg day next veek.”
“Svaggie Maggie vill be Putin’s new vife. She travel around vorld. Ve vill hunt, ve vill, dance, ve vill vrestle.”
“You cant just change W’s to V’s across board. Must look at usage vithin vord.”
“Typical. Deliver me Svaggie Maggie for purposes of matrimony. She vill make good vife.”
I dunno about that. She’s kind of a pain in the ass.
“Putin vill train.”
OH, HELL NO. Get out of here.
“Excuse me? Can I interject here? Vladimir, I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Benjy Eisen. We’ve been in a couple of storylines togeth–”
“Da. I remember you.”
Goddammit, stop blowdarting people.
“Nyet. Now bring Putin Svaggie Maggie.”
“Hey, motherfucker. You think you’re a man with those little-ass fucking weights?”
“You on the little girl machine. Trying to build up your titties.”
“Are nyet called titties, Miles David. Are pecs.”
“Big fat white titties. Rub on them titties while I lift weights.”
“Putin have chest like Perun. Pecs made of thunder.”
“God of thunder’s name is Thor, you Trotsky-stabbing motherfucker.”
Guys? Would you mind knocking it off?
Yeah, okay, neither of you can actually kill me. Listen: Swaggie Maggie has left, so there’s nothing to argue about any more.
“The fuck there isn’t. Bench press time, motherfucker.”
“Da. Putin get belt.”
I’ll leave you two to it.