Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: betty cantor-jackson

It’s A Man’s World

betty marmaduke

Betty Cantor did not complain about mansplaining, nor did she ever attach “-shaming” to the end of a noun. She declared nothing problematic; she was uninterested in intersectionality. When a wayward hand found its way to her ass, she removed it and went about her work.

Betty was One of the Guys.

Until she wasn’t, and they threw her away.

An Open Letter To Kidd Candelario In 1972

Dear Kidd Candelario in 1972,

Hi. How are you? I’m fine, but the future is terrible. You should stay in 1972.

Anyway, when you are recording Dead shows in 1972, could you please turn Keith up? Betty made me Keith really loud, except by the time Betty took over the tape deck, Keith was playing kinda shitty some nights. In 1972, however, Keith was a god; you cannot hear him.

To reiterate: make Keith louder. Also, if this letter reaches you in the first half of 1972, then you need to stop the Olympics. I don’t know how that might be accomplished, but if anyone can get the Olympics cancelled, it’s the Dead. If you are reading this in the latter half of the year, then I am sorry about what happened at the Olympics.

Sincerely,
TotD

Hello Dolly

Where is Garcia’s grave?

No idea. You want to take a road trip, pay your respects?

They’ve come so far with genetics.

YOU PUT THAT SHOVEL DOWN, MISTER.

Both of you in my office. Meanwhile, you nice folks enjoy a picture of Mickey sexually harassing Betty Cantor.

mickey betty studio

Fly Betty

I don’t need to tell you the story of the Betty Boards, you know the story of the Betty Boards. This is the story of the Betty Boards.

Once upon a time, there was a fair maiden who wandered into a cave occupied by bears. (And Bear, but that’s not important right now.)

betty pretty

Realizing within minutes that she was indeed a woman, the hairy bears attempted to mount her, but she did a karate-style move and punched one of the bears (the one that looked like Brian-Doyle Murray) in his bear-dick. The bears were impressed by this show of toughness and asked the princess to join their family

Did she have any skills, the bears wondered. Honestly, some of the bears wondered that. The pretty bear was just kind of staring into space mumbling a song about using laser eyes on people, but since the other bears were acting as if that happened a lot, I don’t think we should worry about it.

Well, I’m pretty good at recording the live doodlings of country influenced improvisational groups with delusions of grandeur, the princess replied.

betty cantor

The bears were excited, as it turns out that they were, in fact, that very type of band

And what else, the bears inquired.

I used to work at a home for the criminally insane and sexually cantankerous, the princess said.

That will come in very handy, the bears answered.

road crew betty

And I look spectacular with the light streaming in from behind me, the princess told the bears.*

betty phil

Your nose looks very Jewish in that photo, said one of the bears whom I won’t identify because he had been drinking and it was Billy.

The princess didn’t dignify that with a response.

Welcome to the family, the bears cheered after the ones who had taken too much cocaine roused the ones who had taken too much heroin.

Do you know where I can rent a storage locker, asked the princess.

And they all lived happily ever after, except for the keyboardist bears who all died.

 

* As noted in the comment below, this photo is NOT of Betty, but instead of the polymath Rosie McGee, whose wonderful book Dancing with the Dead  can be ordered at her website, and who, through her pictures, told the story of the Dead as well as any doorstop-sized book. Sorry, Rosie.

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