Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bill walton (page 2 of 8)

Pack Up Your Life Again

Be careful, Bill Walton. Leaving that van door open is an invitation for–

“Heeeeey, man.”

–Soup to show up. Hey, Soup.

“Oscar night glamour, man.”

You’re watching the Academy Awards?

“No, this is the night that my buddy Oscar comes over. He’s a snappy dresser, man.”

Sure. You’re living in Bill Walton’s van in 1978 now?

“Just for the weekend. I’ve been surfing these past few months, man.”

Yeah?

“Well, you know need a place that’s available, right? So I been staying at the White House on weekends, and Mar-A-Lago during the week, man.”

There is an open bed at those places at those times. Good thinking, Soup.

“Nothing gets by me, man.”

Mid-Yoink

Hey, Bill Walton. Question.

“Shoot.”

Why?

“Someone threw me a tee-shirt.”

And?

“And I’m putting it on. Never turn down a free tee-shirt.”

Did Mickey teach you that?

“When it comes to free tee-shirts, Mickey is my Coach Wooden.”

He’s the best at what he does. Lady behind you doesn’t look impressed.

“How many rings she got?”

Can’t argue with that logic.

Bob And His Uncle

Get your feet off the couch, mister.

“It’s a green room couch. Worse things than feet have been on it.”

Yeah, sure. You see the game?

“Huge. Comeback of the century.”

How about it, huh?

“No one thought the Chiefs had it in them. Gave everyone a little surprise.”

The Chiefs? Kansas City wasn’t in the Super Bowl, Bobby.

“Tamalpais Chiefs. Marin County touch football championship game today.”

Oh.

“We played the Stinson Beach Marauders. Kind of a grudge match. Ran for two touchdowns, threw for one.”

In those shoes?

“Course not. I had on my football sandals.”

Makes sense. Who’s on the Chiefs? Just guys from the neighborhood?

“Used to be, yeah. But, uh, this is a big game. I called in some favors. Got some ringers.”

Ringers?

“I know some guys.”

Who?

“I had my hands up on defense, but apparently you don’t do that in this sport.”

Hey, Bill Walton. You’re Bobby’s ringer?

“For the first quarter. Then both my shins exploded, and I had to miss the rest of the season.”

Sure.

A Change, In Plantain

“How the hell did we get back here?”

“NIX, YOU CAN’T HOLD YER LIQUOR.”

“How many Chinamen did I karate?”

“ALL OF ‘EM, SEEMED LIKE. AH WAS PROUD OF YOUR MARTIAL ARTS SKILLS. YOU HONORED YOUR SENSEI.”

“Huh. Wonderful. Good to hear, Elvis.”

“ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU KICKED CHOU EN-LAI IN HIS FACE.”

“That’s regrettable.”

“HE TASTED BOTH YOUR POWER AND YOUR FLORSHEIM.”

“Between you and me, Elvis? I am not a good drinker.”

“THASS WHY AH NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF. MAN’S BODY IS HIS DOJO.”

“Excellent thinking.”

“DEMEROL?”

“No, thank you. What about the deal? Are the Chinese still on our side?”

“DEAL? MAN, AH HAD TO TALK MAO OUTTA LAUNCHIN’ HIS DAMN NUKES AT YORBA LINDA.”

“Whoa. Good work, Elvis. May I ask how you accomplished that?”

“TURNS OUT THAT ME AN’ OL’ MAO HIT IT OFF.”

“Really?”

“WE BOTH STAY UP ALL NIGHT; WE BOTH ALWAYS GET OUR OWN WAY.”

“Sure.”

“BOTH CRAZY AS A FERRET IN A MONGOOSE COSTUME.”

“I understand the gist of that saying, if not the particulars.”

“HE GOT HISSELF A DR. NICK, TOO. AH DID NOT KNOW THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES AFFECTED THE CHINESE SOUL.”

“Sounds like you two had yourselves a time.”

“HE PRESENTED ME WITH MANY SMALL WOMEN WEARIN’ PANTIES MADE OF COTTON. AH ASSIGNED CHARLIE HODGE TO BRING HIM SCARVES AN’ WATER FOR THE EVENING.”

“Good to hear.”

“HE IS A FINE MAN, MAO. AH LOOKED DEEP INTO HIS EYES AN’ SAW HIS SOUL.”

“Well, as deep as you could look.”

“RIGHT. AS A CHINEE, MAO HAS THEM SLANTY EYES.”

Okay, I’m gonna need the two of you dead assholes to stop being so fucking racist. Now.

“That was that narrator fellow?”

“UH-HUH.”

“He can, uh, just throw in his two cents while we’re having a scene together?”

“THE RULES OF THIS UNIVERSE ARE OF AN IMPROVISATORY NATURE.”

“Important information. So, you calmed the Chinese down?

“YEAH, BUT LIKE AH SAID: THEY AIN’T GONNA PARTNER UP WITH US NO MORE. WE ON OUR OWN, NIX.”

“No, no. Nixon always plans for contingencies. Remember, Elvis: one if by land; two if by sea.”

“THREE IF BY ROCKETCYCLE.”

“Sure, but stick with me. Perhaps we need to take Washington from the Potomac side.”

“AH SEE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. WE NEED T’ SPEAK WITH MIGHTY POSEIDON.”

“Boats, Elvis.”

“OR THAT.”

“I have spoken with some very dangerous men. Our attack will come by sea.”

“HOT DAMN, THIS SOME EXCITIN’ STUFF! WHO YOU GOT, NIX? CAP’N BLOOD?”

“No.”

“CAP’N CRUNCH?”

“Also no.”

“WHO, NIX?”

“The most dangerous men at sea, Elvis.”

“Billy, I don’t think this is the way to D.C.”

“Just keep rowing, Walton.”

“Why are there so many guns in the boat?”

“You gonna row or you gonna ask questions? Step on it: it’s almost the 20th.”

“What does that matter?”

“Just keep rowing.”

He’s Uncle Sam, That’s Who He Am

Hey, Bill Walton. Whatcha doing?

“Loving America at the top of my lungs!”

You rule.

“You know what’s from America? Basketball.”

Sure.

“The whole West Coast of America is in America. All of it, and it’s great. West Coast best coast.”

True.

“The Dead’s from America.”

That should end the conversation.

“I know, right? Any country that produces the Grateful Dead must by the transitive property be the best country. That’s just algebra.”

Where did you even find an Uncle Sam coat to fit you?

“Big & Tall & Patriotic shop.”

Sounds right.

Bruins

Hey, Bill Walton. Whatcha doing?

“Keeping my hands up on defense!”

Coach Wooden really taught you well.

“It was about preparation with Coach Wooden. We needed to be ready for what we would face on the court, and what we would face in life. And, you know, sometimes life contains bears.”

Have you encountered many bears, Bill Walton?

“I killed this one.”

What?

“It was him or me. This was in ’79. Red Rocks Amphitheatre, which is a wonderful place to see a Grateful Dead concert. Over the years, I’ve seen them there a dozen times, and over that period I befriended several boulders.”

Okay, sure. The bear?

“So, me and some friends are biking through the beautiful Colorado scenery. Mountains, and trees. Nature at her most natural.”

Right.

“And then this hairy fellow tried to eat me.”

Out of nowhere?

“No, out of the woods.”

I meant that there was no warning.

“The bear was sneaky.”

How so?

“He was in spandex and on a bike and had infiltrated our group at the beginning of the day.”

Wow.

“He even bought breakfast. The bear gained our trust.”

Intelligent bear.

“Smarter than average.”

So how did you kill him?

“Y’know how people in stressful situations get a big adrenaline dump, and get momentary super-strength?”

Yeah.

“Well, I’m seven feet tall. I Hulked out.”

And then you had the bear stuffed and donated it to your alma mater?

“Well, first I ate his heart to gain his power.”

Of course.

“But then I had him stuffed and donated him to UCLA, yeah.”

Why?

“Why not?”

Okay.

“I named him Jerry.”

Deadheads do like naming animals after him.

Bill Walton: Simply The Best

bill-walton-shirtless-hula

Because you’re a bicyclist, right.

“Smooth as a 8-ball, but white as a cue ball.”

I don’t want to hear any of this.

“Takes a team of four to shave me down. We start at dawn, break for a nutritious breakfast, and then it’s another four or five hours. It’s like when they put Ron Perlman into the Hellboy costume.”

You know Ron Perlman?

“The Perl? Good man. Took a trip with him to Nova Scotia to see the Northern Lights in ’98.”

Yeah?

“He growled at them.”

That’s his thing. You enjoying Hawaii?

“I’m in Atlanta.”

That figures.

Relix Magazine: Insensitive Bastards

screen-shot-2016-11-05-at-9-48-48-pm

In Byhalia, Tennessee, which is a small town outside of Memphis, 7’9″ Jimmy Lee Snodgrass looks at this tweet. There was a bowlful of ticket stubs on a bookshelf, and he had framed the shirts he had bought on the lot but could never fit into. In a place of pride above the stereo was a shadowbox that contained a guitar pick Bobby had given to him when they met, randomly, in a hotel in Cincinnati. A hot, giant tear rolled down his cheek and he put his phone away.

The Long And Short Of It

IMG_5099

Remember the scene in Leaving Las Vegas where Nicolas Cage dance-shops through the liquor store? That’s Mickey in a t-shirt shop. I see him gathering up sheaves of shirts and walking out the door screaming, “It’s okay: I’m a Grateful Dead!” over his shoulder as he goes.

Catching Up With Bill Walton

bill walton tiny rando

“I’m gonna eat her.”

Don’t eat the rando, Bill Walton.

“I could.”

Probably, yeah.

“She couldn’t play professional basketball. Not nearly large enough.”

No.

“Or college. Coach Wooden was the best basketball mind that’s ever lived, but I don’t know if even he could do anything with this young lady. Just doesn’t have the physicality.”

She would get lost in the paint.

“That’s where the giants do battle, at least they do in the Conference of Champions. Some of the other conference are candy-asses. She could play for one of those other conferences.”

You wear your preferences on your sleeve, Bill Walton.

“I’ve never been accused of being objective.”

Now, do you have a statue of you getting erected somewhere?

“Yes, it’s a huge honor. And a huge statue. Weighs 19 tons.”

How big is it?

“Life-size.”

Sure.

“Show the nice people my statue.”

It’s a little weird, Bill.

donald trump statue

“That’s not it! Stop that! People were nice enough to make me a…wow.”

Right?

“I got nothing.”

No one does any more.

“Show the real statue.”

bill walton statue

“Isn’t this great?”

How did you get down there?

“Don’t worry about it. Look at this? It’s such a wonderful honor and it’s also a WiFi hotspot.”

Artistic and practical.

“The best of both worlds. I’m so happy, and I proud. I wore my nicest bike shorts to the ceremony.”

Speaking of which: why is Statue Bill Walton wearing jeans? I don’t know much about riding bikes, but I know you don’t wear jeans to do it.

“Levi’s paid for the statue.”

Sure. Where are they putting it?

“Outside PetCo Park.”

Where the Padres play?

“Yeah.”

Why?

“I don’t know. I’m just happy to have a statue.”

God bless you, Bill Walton.

“Okay. You, too.”

Congratulations, Bill Walton.

Older posts Newer posts
%d bloggers like this: