Yes, Enthusiasts, the tour you’ve all been waiting for is here, for a certain value of “all.” (The value is 0. I’m not saying no one is now looking forward to the shows, just that no one was anticipating them. This morning’s announcement was as much of a surprise as this morning’s announcement that Mario Batali was a pussygrabber wasn’t.) (We should call it that. Let’s just call all the media and business and political assholes that get fired for sexual harassment/assault pussygrabbers. That way, every time you say it you remember, “Oh, right. The president bragged about doing that.)(I feel we’ve forgotten about that part of the Access Hollywood tape: Basketball Head was trying to impress Billy Bush. Donald Trump needed Billy Bush’s approval. That alone should have disqualified him from owning a Taco Bell in Schenectady, forget about being the president.) (Speaking of Taco Bell–
STOP STRINGING PARENTHETICALS TOGETHER.
None of those thoughts were germane to the main point.
Do you have a point?
I have a collection of jokes and a distinctive voice.
Just do whatever it is you do here.
Anyway, Bobby and Phil are going on tour: six shows in three cities at a moderate pace. According to Jambase–and fuck my life for having to start a sentence like that–they’ll be playing two sets, one acrostic and one eclectic, and there may be guests. The guests will not be the drummers.
But, TotD, you’re asking: is there a VIP package available?
Ah, I would answer. I did not realize I was speaking to someone who was Very Important. Of course there is, sir and/or ma’am but most likely sir. Follow me, won’t you?
And you’d purse your lips slightly, as if you were looking at a poor person.
To which I’d respond, My thoughts exactly, sir. I was just showing you that so that you’ll know what the new money is getting. For you, sir, we have another class of accommodation. For you, sir, we have the Praetor’s Suite. Allow me to list your amenities.
- One (1) seat wherever the fuck you want to sit. Upfront, behind the soundboard, in Bobby’s lap: wherever. And if someone’s in the seat already, your exclusive Executive Goon will move them as violently as you’d prefer.
- Invitation to attend Bobby’s daughter’s next sorority function.
- The openest bar you’ve ever fucking seen. And the good stuff, too. Not the swill those assholes who buy the Enhanced Experience get. You may also direct your Executive Goon to take drinks from other patrons and give them to you.
- One (1) exclusive poster produced on-site by that evening’s artist while you watch and heckle.
- One (1) Bitcoin.
- Private time with Bobby OR Phil (Private time will contain, but is not limited to: Garcia stories, discussion of why blue fin is such a trash fish, watching Baby Levon while Phil takes a piss, thumb wrestling.)
- One (1) song request, plus you get to specify the tempo.
- If Jeff Chimenti is one of the guests, then you will be allowed to brush his hair.
- Private merch fashion booth.
You approve? I hoped that you would. Shall we have your people handle the financial matters? Of course, sir. Talking about money is for poor people. We’ll see you at the show.