Enthusiasts, I was vague in my wording, which is a sin. Language was stolen for us by Prometheus and eleven of his wacky buddies from a Las Vegas casino; for this, they were chained to boulders for eternity and eagles randomly came by to eat their nipples. That you didn’t know when the eagles were coming back was the worst torture: if eagle-time were always noon, then at least you could steal yourself for the de-nippling.
What are you talking about?
Gods and legends. Like always.
Someone should eat your nipples.
Go away, I’m talking to the Enthusiasts.
They should have their nipples eaten, too.
They know what they did.
Regardless, I’m actually interacting with the nice people for once instead of ignoring emails and making fun of the Comment Section.
I asked them to name the BEST EVAR song whose title was a woman’s name.
I was going to ask about the BEST EVAR man’s name song.
Suuuuuuure you were.
Anyway, millions of Enthusiasts wrote in with their picks, but like I said at first: I was unspecific in my request. What’s the point of Rock Nerd lists and bullshit unless it’s picky and arbitrary? There’s no fun in arguing about something as nebulous as “Best Song,” but “Best Song by a Band with a Really Short Drummer?” That’s a serious Rock Nerd party right there, my friend.
So: we reduce the entrant pool by upping the requirements. We look for not just the Best Song containing a Woman’s Name in the Title, but Best Song in which the Woman’s Name is the Whole Title.
This means My Sharona is out (not that anyone voted for it) and so is Polk Salad Annie and Ruby, Don’t you Take your Love to Town. Sheena is a Punk Rocker is also, sadly, disqualified.
But The Ramones still make the list:
An underappreciated classic from their most-appreciated album. Of note: Joey managing to rhyme “Ramona” with “come over,” and declaring that the titular Ramona was, in fact, a spy for the BBI. What is the BBI, you ask? Excellent question. You should ask Joey.
Also of note: the intralyrical band member shout-out. This is an extraordinarily rare Rock Move, but when performed well, it wows the judges. Examples can be found at the end of Surrender by Cheap Trick and in the bridge of Girls, Girls, Girls by the Crue.
Next up is something by the Allman Brothers:
Nah, I’m fucking with you. This is what Hakim Bey would call a TAFZ (Temporary Allman-Free Zone).
What is it with you and the Allmans?
If they wanted me to like them, then they shouldn’t have talked so much shit about the Dead.
You pick a side and stick with it, huh?
Talk about Dolly Parton.
If you don’t like Dolly Parton, then you’re wrong.
You’re the greatest undiscovered literary talent in America.
Why, thank you.
The keen-eyed will notice that this song’s title is actually Fourth of July, Asbury Park (Sandy), and therefore not eligible. The keen-eyed should remember what I like to do to people’s eyes in the stories I write. Bruce gets a pass because he is Bruce.
Could’ve gone with Rosalita.
Rosalita doesn’t have the line about Madame Marie in it. Therefore, Sandy is better than Rosalita.
Did you just slap me? How is that even possible?
Don’t worry about it.
Go on with your list and know that I’m watching you, buster.
Bunch of you chose Gloria, but you all chose the wrong one and should be ashamed of yourselves. I advise you begin drinking heavily. Sure, Rock Nerds are supposed to worship Van Morrison and Patti Smith, but I like brunettes with unruly eyebrows and growly voices in spangled jumpsuits. Plus, the synth riff is killer.
I’ve posted this before; I don’t care: I’ll post it every day until I die. Little Richard on all the cocaine in the entire world.
Jesus, my gums are getting numb watching him.
If you rub your dick on the screen, you’ll be able to fuck all night.
Violent is worse than vulgar!
Also more persuasive. Stop being coarse.
Here’s something wholesome:
Shortly after this performance Buddy Holly’s plane would be shot from the sky by a rocket launcher-wielding Don MacLean.
And there’s Lorelei by the Pogues, and Angie by the Stones and Victoria and Lola by The Kinks and that one from Rod Stewart that was kind of about him being molested. The Band did Ophelia AND Caledonia AND Evangeline, because it’s more fun to write about people with interesting names; Beatles had Michelle and Eleanor Rigby and Elvis Costello wrote Alison and Veronica.
But I like this one:
HE LOVES BERNADETTE SO MUCH.
It’s an exciting tune. I got aroused.
You had to know that was coming.
I think I’m into it now.
And Levi Stubbs was Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors, so this wins.
Yup, it’s the love ballad sung by a grown man in a kitty suit.
Listen to it! It’s one of the prettier rock ballads ever written, plus no member of KISS besides Peter Criss appears on the track, which makes it by default better than the songs the band members played on.
Okay, I’m done.
That’s how you wrap it up for the nice people?
Yeah, fuck ’em.