Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: clive davis

Saved You A Couple Bucks

  1. The more someone says “trust me,” the more trustworthy he is.
  2. Always give the lowest member of the totem pole an equal vote to the most important person in the company.
  3. See if you can get Clive Davis to pay for it.
  4. If someone tries to pay you in cocaine, dangle them out a window.
  5. No one is irreplaceable, especially if you play keyboards.
  6. Never transport drugs in the gear truck.
  7. Never transport gear in the drug truck.
  8. Do not call it the drug truck on tax paperwork.
  9. Instead of hiring a professional, have someone’s old lady do it.
  10. Before doing anything, ask Hal Kant’s advice.

Used To Play For Silver, Now We Play For Klein

You are just in a Jew sandwich there, aren’t you?

“I’m the meat, yeah. Not ham, though.”

Maybe a nice cold meatloaf on a kaiser roll.

“Sounds good. Bring me that.”

I can’t bring you food.

“Well, you know, man: have you even tried?”

No.

“Give it a whirl. Never know what you’re capable of.”

I don’t even know how that would work, honestly.

“No imagination at all on you.”

I know.

“Shit, now I want a meatloaf sandwich.”

Sorry, buddy.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Used To Pose For Baron, Now We Pose With Clive

You’ve just been amusing yourself since you’re 16, right?

“What?”

The shorts.

“Were we in Bermuda, everyone else would look out of place.”

The Dead did not play in Bermuda.

“Jamaica.”

Yeah, you played in Jamaica.

“Hawaii.”

Right, in 1970.

“Manhattan.”

What is your point Bobby?

“We’re no strangers to islands.”

What is going on here, Bob?

“Well, uh, judging from the presence of Clive Davis and champagne, I’d say we sold a shitload of records.”

Oh, yeah. You totally did that one time. I forget.

“It was a bit of an anomaly.”

And you welcomed your success with such dignity.

“All the dignity that the situation demanded.”

Clive Davis looks like a high-end pornographer.

“Well, yeah.”

Yet Another Episode Of The Dead’s Amazon Show From The Creators Of HBO’s Vinyl

INT: PASTICHE RECORDS – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

EXECUTIVES of the company sit around the TABLE. A large man NAKED EXCEPT FOR A LEATHER BLAZER stands atop the table DOING LINES OFF THE LIGHT FIXTURE.

The president of the company, NOODLES BRAUNSHWEIGER, enters the room. He is played by TIM ALLEN IN A WIG.

NOODLES
We’re losing money!

ANDY WARHOL is there for some reason. He is played by PETER SERAFINOWICZ IN A WIG.

ANDY WARHOL
I hear that the Grateful Dead needs a new record
contract. Maybe you should talk to them.

MACHO is STOPPED DEAD by Warhol’s statement. Then he DOES ANOTHER LINE. Then he is STOPPED DEAD AGAIN.

MACHO
That’s it! Legendary artist Andy Warhol is right! The Dead!
Just let me go have some scenes with my wife and I’ll go sign ’em!

MACHO jumps off the table and LEAVES THE ROOM.

Then he RE-ENTERS THE ROOM and STABS NOODLES and GETS AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE ROCK AND ROLL.

INT: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – NIGHT

MACHO is standing IN THE WINGS as the DEAD PLAYS. There are MANY SHOTS of NOODLE DANCING and people HITTING JOINTS IN SLOW-MOTION. As Macho LOOKS AROUND, he is STOPPED DEAD by the POWER OF ROCK AND ROLL OR SOMETHING.

There is a BALD MAN standing next to Macho.

MACHO
(to the bald man)
Man! That’s some jamming right there! Woo! I can’t
believe they’re playing Dark Star! In MSG!

BALD MAN
Of course they’re playing Dark Star in MSG! They play it
at every show, just like your average viewer would assume.

MACHO
Right, and it’s not like there’s any way to find out what the
Dead played on any particular night.

BALD MAN
Lost to history and easily shuffled to fit the whims of the
narrative.

MACHO
Exactly! Hey, aren’t you Cli–

BALD MAN
NO! No, no: I’m Jive Mavis from Barista Records.

JIVE MAVIS is played by MICK JAGGER’S GARDENER IN A BALD CAP.

JIVE
Are you here to sign the Grateful Dead, too?

MACHO
Looks like I got some competition! Luckily, there’s
nothing more interesting than a white guy with work
problems!

Macho SHOVES HIS HEAD INTO A GARBAGE BAG FULL OF COCAINE, then STABS Jive Davis.

ONSTAGE – CONTINUOUS

The Dead plays.

BOBBY
Jer?

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob?

BOBBY
I thought this show was about the music.

GARCIA
Music, music business. What’s the difference?

BOBBY
Well, you know: quite a bit, Jer.

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob. I was making a point.

BOBBY
Ah.

GARCIA
Bobby, aren’t you producing this?

BOBBY
Yeah, but it turns out I have no idea what a TV producer does

GARCIA
Huh, yeah: me, either.

Behind them, Keith Moon DRIVES A CAR INTO A POOL.

Overheard At The Internship Interview

  • Why do all the intern candidates have nude shots? Because there is too many 8X10 glossies of dong up in here. This plan has backfired into our faces, y’all.
  • Can you make coffee?
  • Got a liver?
  • You’re the new road manager.
  • You’ve just been fired as the road manager.
  • Can you drive a stick?
  • Can you drive a stick after you’ve been dosed?
  • Well, we’re gonna find out, aren’t we, Slugger? Here’s the keys.
  • We’ve had a lot of the scions and doyennes of San Francisco royalty apply for these jobs, but no one with your pedigree, Harvey Milk, Jr!
  • How flammable are you, scale of one to ten?
  • I’m gonna just be honest with you, Carrie: you’re a stone cold teen fox and that’s going to be a problem in this work environment. Mostly in that closet right there of this work environment: it’s where Billy likes to pretend he’s a trapping spider.
  • Also, Carrie, since it’s the 70’s, it’s perfectly okay and legal somehow for all of this to go down. Try not to get pawed at by Billy on your way…you are getting pawed at by Billy. Good luck with that.
  • Someone tell Mickey to stop playing the applicant pool. It’s just weird and seems like he’s trying too hard.
  • I’m not going to tell you again, Mr. Davis: you can;t be an intern because you own the company and besides, Bobby thinks you’re gross and won’t shower in front of you for a million solo albums.
  • Do you have any coke?
  • Do you have any aunts and uncles?
  • Do they have any coke?
  • Seriously, find some coke, kid.
  • COCAINECOCAINE NOMNOMNOM
  • Hi, I’m gonna be doing the interview now.
  • So: got any coke?

True Story

I awoke–or, rather, came to–on the floor of a long hallway. There was no natural light, but I could still see.

My head was fuzzy, and my face hurt: I had been hit. I had been struck, and repeatedly. My phone was gone.

As I looked around, I realized that it was not a hallway I had found myself in; no, I was in between parallel shelves reaching ten or twelve feet up. It was like the stacks at my college library, but with less drug dealing and clandestine gay stuff. There were books, but there were also cardboard boxes and record albums and was that an oudand a shopping bag with “Billy’s I.O.U.’s” scrawled on it.

At the end of shelves, in the dimness, was a pair of maroon sweatpants with the elastic holding on out of sheer duty and a size XXXL black t-shirt. The clothes were suspended in the air in a human shape with no visible means of support.

Like this crazy bullshit Batman used to pull:

robin statue

 

how the fuck did Batman even do that? There’s a lot of craftsmanship in that thing, and technology, too, it seems. Is this how Batman takes his mind off being Batman? By using his advanced Morgan Freeman stuff to permanently turn the judging glare of the teenager he pretty much murdered on him while he worked? Did he wear the Batman suit while he worked on it?

Also, at one point–stick with me here–Batman had to be molding the crotch of that thing and, seriously: don’t you take a breather and reevaluate things? You’re a grown man in a pervert suit making a voodoo dead kid in a cave and maybe law school?

You had an idea. You were doing so well and developing things and being a big grown-up writerly writer–

Yeah, those first few sentences were killing it, thank you.

and then you squander your energy and their time–

If they’re reading this, they have nothing better to do.

on Batman nerd-porn. Stop it and get back to the story about how you found yourself…

…sitting between the shelves when I heard footsteps. There were two of them, one lighter than the other, but they had the gaits of soldiers. They walked like men of violence and my hand went to my already-bruised face and I was frightened; most of all, though: confused? What had I done to deserve this. Besides all the things I’ve done to deserve this.  Like, if there were a vote: it would be a runaway that I thoroughly need and merit a solid thrashing, but it isn’t a democracy. I’m the only one who gets to vote.

When the two men came around the corner, I could see that one was lanky and tall; the other, almost perfectly spherical in dressed in old-fashioned tweeds and a matching eye patch. He made it work, you had to give it to him.

Both of them had dangerous, drug-fueled lightning flashing in their eyes and I feared for my life. I snatched a random manuscript off of the shelf and, rising to my feet, made as if to tear it.

Don’t come any closer! I said.

The men stopped.

“NO!” the short one cried. “That is the only remaining copy of Bobby’s aborted 1978 novel, Who Is Clive Davis and Why Does He Keep Grabbing my Ding-Dong?” You mustn’t destroy it.”

His voice was plummy and flutey, yet manly. Clearly educated.

Bobby? I asked. My god…I am in–

“You are in THE VAULT, my dear boy. We have brought you here to–”

Who are you calling ‘boy?’ I said. There was a second of silence.

“Are…you…um. This is a rude question, but–”

What difference does it make?!

“because you’re allowed to say–”

ALLOWED? Check your privilege, son! I said

And then Billy leapt from the highest vantage point and punched me in the dick.

As I sank into unconsciousness, the one in the suit stood over me.

“My name is The Reverend Dr. Sir Nicholas Aloysius Kensington Flensington Jamiroqui Rothschild Baracus–

I then passed out.

TO BE CONTINUED…

(Honest. I know I’ve done this before. I wish Elvis would come back, too, but there’s MORE TO THESE STORIFICATIONS, Enthusiasts!)

 

 

Now We Play For Clive

band clive

Okay, pranksters or not, the other guys should have noticed what Billy was staring at and warned Clive Davis about what was going to happen.

Also, for some reason, Mickey and Keith are taking this opportunity to work out their new secret handshake.

Not Pictured #5

The guy holding the paper is Clive Davis and that’s actually the Arista contract.

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