FROM THE CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE OF COMPLIANCE (OOC)
Let this letter serve as a guideline for your upcoming negotiations with the Treasury Fund regarding your claim of sexual harassment. The OOC would like to extend to you a general acknowledgement of your sadness without making any claim as to the cause of it, nor accepting responsibility for said sadness’ existence. We would also like to remind you that discussion of your claims with outside parties is, while not illegal, truly a dick move.
Authorization for a settlement has been preliminarily granted, but only within certain windows. Please read the following and circle the option most applicable to your case. You may circle two options.
Harassment (Verbal only): $1 – $50,000
Men and women who have been called “Bubblegum Dick,” “The Fuckable Intern,” and “Dr. Tittymonster, M.D.” should circle this option. All harassment MUST be non-physical in nature, such as (but not limited to): kissy noises, Bob Hope growling, shouting “Hey, get over here and look at my dick” in the Senate cafeteria. Inappropriate compliments, or “grooming,” may also be reported. For example, one staffer reported a Congressmen saying to her, “God, I’m jealous of your toilet.” That’s the sort of inappropriate compliment we’re talking about.
Harassment (Physical, non-touching) $50,001 – $75,000
This is the category for people who had to watch their bosses yank it. Let’s just move on. (NOTE: Do not circle this option if you were ejaculated on. That makes it assault.)
Harassment (Physical, touching) $75,001 – $100,000
Ass patting, boner pressing, shoulder massaging, hair smelling, hug extending, tummy tickling, back rubbing. The game “Tune-In, Tokyo” also falls within this category.
Assault (Physical, Non-Legitimate) $100,001 – 130,000
It may not surprise you to learn that the settlement numbers originated from a secret committee made up of old white men from both houses, and therefore anything less than a Senator leaping out at you from behind a tree while you fight to the last breath and then immediately inform the police about is considered a “Non-Legitimate” assault. The OOC regrets this, but reminds you that choosing to work in Washington, DC, was your choice. If you didn’t want to be sexually assaulted, then why did you believe in America?
Assault (Physical, Legitimate) $130,000 – up
Do not circle this option.
All settlements are contingent upon the signing of every non-disclosure form in the world.
The OOC (Yeah, You Know Me)