Lucky dogs that you are, Enthusiasts, TotD has dug up the first draft of the White House’s immigration proposal. (Maggie Haberman sent it to me.) It’s as wild as–

You writing about the Grateful Dead? As is promised in the name of the blog?

What do you want from me, man? They were smelly people who didn’t know how to end songs. My scope has widened; my portfolio is now the world.

You’re a tick on the balls of humanity.

Well, humanity should have worn shorts when it went running through all that high grass.

Just write something, anything, about the Dead. How about a recommendation?

Don’t eat Tide Pods.

A show recommendation.

Oh, fine: 5/28/77 from the Hartford Civic Center.


Well, there’s a reason the fucker was an official release. Can I get to my little comedical sketch now, please?


Anyway, Enthusiasts, here’s the first draft of the White House’s immigration proposal:


Securing the Southern and Northern borders of the United States requires a combination of manpower, intelligence, and a brand-new fleet of Mankiller™ armed drones provided by the DeVos family. Without these factors, MS-13 animals will rape everyone reading this proposal.

The Department of Homeland Security must have the following to keep your white daughters safe:

  • Immediate construction of THE WALL, and Chuck Schumer needs to refer to it as THE WALL in all-caps every time he talks about it.
  • Spiffy new uniforms for our Border Patrol, who are the real heroes.
  • 3.5 million new ICE agents.
  • Funding for a Super-ICE agent program.
  • Enable all Real Americans to perform “citizen’s deportations” on suspected illegals.
  • Blue-Ribbon Commission to look into a “Judge Dredd” sort of deal.
  • Recategorization of Irish, Italians, and Greeks back to “non-white” status.
  • We’re gonna need a Jew List.


Provide legal-ish status to the 1.8 filthy criminals stealing our jobs and eating our dogs.

  • Path the citizenship that shall not last for greater than sixty (60) years.
  • Installation of Patriot Chips into the nerve centers of DACA recipients that will alert the proper authorities to non-Americanism.
  • Spaying and/or neutering to prevent further breeding of illegals.
  • Some sort of badge or pin to be displayed prominently whenever in public, maybe in the shape of a taco.


Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

  • American homos are bad enough, so we’re not taking any foreign ones.


The Diversity Lottery allows randos to waltz into America despite being gormless losers with no skills.

  • Switch to an entirely merit-based entrance system.
  • Merits include:
    • The ability to tolerate lactose.
    • Freckling in the sun.
    • Giving money to a member of the president’s family.
    • Tig ol’ bitties and an ass that goes boomshakalaka.