Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: dan rather

Nothing Left To Do But Glower, Glower, Glower

bobby dan rather smiling
“Hey, Dan. So excited to be on the show.”

“That was last week, Bob. You’ve been at the Peach Festival since then.”

“I was in Georgia?”

“The Peach Festival is in Scranton, PA.”

“Well, that makes no sense at all.”

“Neither does paying money to see Blues Traveler in 2015, and yet: it was this weekend.”

“Ah.”

“Wanna get shitfaced?”

“Yes, Bobby. Yes, I do.”

“All right, then.”

Lightning Round

Image result for dan rather bob“Bobby, this has been a blast.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“But before we go: lightning round.”

“Ooh. Love this game Okay: we going punch-for-punch or is there money on the line?”

“What?”

“Let’s play the feud!”

“Do you know what’s going on here, Bob?”

“Kinda.”

“Good enough. Lightning round. Here we go: Woodstock.”

“My good buddy.”

“Not the bird, the concert.”

“Muddy.”

“Egypt.”

“Sandy.”

“Pecan.”

“Also sandy.”

“Friend.”

“Jimi Hendrix.”

“Shoe.”

“Enemy.”

“Short.”

“Shorts.”

“Has Billy made a run at Katy Perry?”

“Two.”

“Always a pleasure, Bob.”

“I have no idea who you are.”

“Join the club.”

Might As Well, Rather Not

bobby dan rather 3
“We’re back for more in our intimate conversation with Bob Weir, who is wearing sandals. Bob, the band said that Chicago was going to be it, but now there are more shows. Possibly a whole tour.”

“The songs weren’t finished with us.”

“What does that mean, Bob?”

“No idea, but I’ve been repeating it at every reporter in sight for a few weeks now, and it seems to make them happy.”

“Sure.

“But Phil Lesh will not be joining you. Why is that.”

“Well, he sent me a text about it: I’ll read it to you. Ahem. ‘Would rather put shotgun in mouth, pull trigger with toe, than deal with one more second of Grateful Dead bullshit. Please do not read this text to Dan Rather.’ Dammit.”

“We can edit that out.”

“In a lot of ways, that’s Phil’s fault: he should’ve put the second sentence first.”

Anecdoting

bobby dan rather“Which one are you again? The Canadian?”

“No, Bob.”

“You’re the one with the speech impediment and the WWII fetish.”

“I’m the one from Texas.”

“CBS.”

“You’re the ‘What’s the frequency, Kenneth’ one.”

“Thanks for remembering.”

“if it makes you feel any better, Billy got a real kick out of that. For years after, if you heard that phrase, there was a dick about to be punched.”

“Why would that make me feel better?”

“Legacy’s a legacy, man.”

“Speaking of legacies, Bob: you seem to be doing a lot of interviews lately. You also had a documentary based on your life appear on Netflix recently. Are you building your legacy?”

“No, Geraldo–”

“Not even close.”

“–I’m not building anything or thinking about legacies. I still got a vital, i think, band to play with. I kinda like doing these interviews, actually. It gives me a chance to talk about the two most important people in my life.”

“They are?”

“My wife, Natasha Monster.”

“Of course.”

“And my greatest friend, deepest musical collaborator, and true brother. A guy I miss every single day since he was taken from us too early.”

“You’re talking about Jerry–”

“Jimi Hendrix.”

“–Garcia. What?”

“People don’t know this, but Jimi Hendrix was my closest and dearest friend.”

“I did not know that.”

“That’s weird, since I inexplicably bring it up in so many interviews.”

“Okay: wanna play some guitar?”

“Sure, but I’m gonna stare into your eyes while I do.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, Bobby.”

“Are you Ernie Anastos?”

“If it will help, then: yes, I am Ernie Anastos.”

“Tell Warner Wolf I say hi.”

“Will do.”

 

ps. ACCESS! It’s “Access TV”. But they spelled it wrong on purpose because God has abandoned us. Okay, I understand now.

Predictions About Bobby’s Big Interview With Dan Rather

  • Bliss will be mentioned.
  • I will spend a goodly portion of it distracted by Bobby’s facial hair.
  • Then, I will remember that Bobby’s had that nonsense for over a decade and I will start to feel old myself.
  • At a certain point, Bobby pulls out his guitar and sings to Dan Rather.
  • Men shouldn’t sing to other men.
  • I know it’s a retrograde and gay panic-y bullshit rule, but it’s a good rule: hold the door for people, don’t molest the fruit in the produce aisle, and don’t sing to another man.
  • Those are the New Rules of Masculinity, so I just saved you from ever having to read another issue of Esquire.
  • Bobby will talk about Garcia.
  • Bobby may or may not mention the other men in the Grateful Dead.
  • Bobby will not mention Mrs. Donna Jean.
  • The song Bobby wants played at his funeral is Cassidy, which is a good choice and making fun of that is dickish.
  • Pointing out that he did not choose Picasso Moon is fine.
  • Mickey also wants to point out that Bobby did not choose Lost Sailor.
  • Twenty minute rant on how he can’t get rid of this wicked fucking slice; he’s about to throw the fucking clubs away and start playing tennis, or drinking in the afternoons.
  • Card trick or two.
  • If you were told that “one of the Dead from Dead & Company” was being interviewed by Dan Rather and asked if you’d like to bet on the possibility that Dan Rather was slapped for asking a rude question: you need to make that bet.
  • 66% shot Dan gets one in the chops.
  • Bobby wouldn’t do that, though.
  • Bobby will talk about his wife, Natasha Monster.
  • The environment will be mentioned.
  • Maybe yoga.
  • Diet may or may not be discussed.
  • Speaking of yoga, Bobby has been doing it for years and has mastered the technique of yana-prartha-sadhi, which is a fancy Indian way of saying that Bobby can silently drop a kale fart at you from ten paces while maintaining a straight face.
  • Bobby will make that gesture.
  • The one where it looks like he’s grasping a large, invisible ball in front of him.
  • Ah, fuck it: watch it yourself:

%d bloggers like this: