Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: darth vader

In Which Bobby And Sir Paul Reach A New Level Of Friendship, And, Finding That Level Defended, Fulfill Dreams Of Nerds Multitudinous In Varieties

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“Bob, this is simply intolerable.”

“Oh, are we still doing this?”

“What?”

“Nothing. Listen, Ser Pounce–

“Close.”

“–you just have to go with what’s going. It’s what you call a process, right? I mean, you’ve got the event, right? But there’s the simultaneous journey through the event, in fact there are multiple journeys. In the quiet aftermath, we sum up those journeys, discarding the ones that don’t fit the narrative, and label what happened ‘the event.’ But, you know: it’s just people living their lives.”

“Well, that was rather nice, Bob.”

“Yeah, sure. Didn’t think it was gonna be at first, but it turned out all right.”

“Kind of like our friendship, Bob.”

“Uh-huh. We should be best friends.”

“I’d like that so much.”

“How could you do this to me, Bobby!”

lego jimi hendrix

“I thought I was your best friend, Bobby!”

“Aw, Jimi, don’t be this way.”

“You broke Jimi’s heart, baby! I was grateful for our friendship, but now it’s dead, man! You are not groovy!”

“I am so groovy.”

“No, Bobby. You used to be groovy, but you’re a backstabber, man. You’re a jive turkey!”

“Would you say ‘jive turkey?'”

“It didn’t sound right, man.”

“Yeah, no. You have any thoughts, Sir?”

“It jarred the ear a bit. Hey, Jimi!”

“Hi, Yoko.”

“Oh, COME ON! You were dead before John even met her! Bob, I have had enough of this and want to go home immediately.”

“You don’t wanna jam with Jimi and me a little bit?”

“That would be something, huh?”

“That would be an event, yeah.”

“We need a drummer, Bob.”

“I SHALL RULE THE DRUM THRONE WITH AN IRON FIST, WITH MY SON BY MY SIDE.”

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“Nope! I want to go home.”

“YOU WILL GO NOWHERE, YOKO. LET’S TRY DAYTRIPPER.”

“I truly regret becoming a part of this, Bob.”

“You should have heard Anderson Cooper whine.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Fluent In Over Six Million Forms Of Conflict Mediation

“I HAVE RECEIVED A COMMUNIQUE INSTRUCTING ME TO REPORT TO THIS OFFICE. WHO DARES TO SUMMON VADER?”

“Mr. Vader? Thanks for coming by. I’m Bob Hector, head of HR for the Death Star.”

“WE HAVE AN HR DEPARTMENT?”

“Well, in addition to being a Death Star, I also consider this a Life Star.”

“YOU SHOULD NOT.”

“Almost two million people work here, Mr.–”

“LORD.”

“–Vader and managing them is a big task. Unfortunately, when you have that many people in a confined space, conflict will arise. It appears someone has filed a complaint against you. There was some behavior in a meeting that we need to discuss.”

“IS THIS ABOUT THE FORCE-CHOKING?”

“It is about physically assaulting a co-worker and creating a hostile work environment.”

“OF COURSE IT’S A HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT: IT IS THE DEATH STAR.”

“Nevertheless, it is a professional atmosphere and standards must be maintained and company policy followed. We’re trying to avoid lawsuits, Mr. Vader.”

“LAWSUITS? WHO WOULD FILE–IT IS LORD VADER, NOT MISTER–A LAWSUIT AGAINST ME? I AM VADER: SCOURGE OF THE NOGHRI, ENSLAVER OF THE WOOKIEE, CRUSHER OF THE MANDALORIAN FORCES.”

“That has no bearing on choking a person in a meeting.”

“FINE. WHEN AM I ALLOWED TO FORCE-CHOKE A PERSON IN A MEETING?”

“Never. Oh, God, never.”

“WHAT IF THEY DISPLEASE ME?

“No.”

“WHAT IF THEY ARE INSOLENT?”

“No.”

“THE INSOLENT MUST BE FORCE-CHOKED. THAT IS HOW YOU TREAT INSOLENCE.”

“Absolutely not.  Would you like to sit down?”

“I PREFER TO LOOM OMINOUSLY.”

“Fine. The choking has to stop.”

“WHAT ABOUT FORCE–”

“You may not use the Force to punch people in their dicks.”

“–DICKPUNCHING. DAMMIT.”

“While you’re here, there is another complaint.”

“IS IT FROM OZZEL? HE IS INCOMPETENT, AND HE ALERTED THE REBELS TO OUR PRESENCE. I HAD TO FORCE-CHOKE HIM. I WAS FORCED TO FORCE-CHOKE.”

“Wait, you Force-choked someone else? This is not about that. What did you do to Admiral Ozzel?”

“OZZEL HAD A HEART ATTACK.”

“Really?”

“WHAT IS THE OTHER COMPLAINT ABOUT?”

“Sexual harassment.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.”

“You need to stop making “grand moff” jokes in front of women.”

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERE ARE NO WOMEN IN THE EMPIRE.”

“Are you kidding me? Half of the Stormtroopers are women. You just can’t tell in the armor.”

“YOU’RE KIDDING ME.”

“No.”

“OH, NOT COOL. I GET UNDRESSED IN FRONT OF THEM!”

“You didn’t know?”

“NOT A CLUE.”

“You should also stop getting undressed in front of them, probably.”

“SURE.”

Red(shirt) Five

pins star wars stealies

More expendable: stormtroopers or keyboardists? Discuss.

Death Star Crashes…

art star wars bears

Don’t try to frighten us with your hippie’s ways, Lord Garcia. Your sad devotion to that ancient country-influenced boogey-band has not helped you conjure up the lost Betty Boards, or given you enough clairvoyance to guess the next Dave’s Picks…

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