“Did everyone try the cookies? Everyone get a cookie? These are, and you have to believe me, the most delicious cookies probably in the world. The whole world. Ratios. All in the ratios. Chips-to-dough. Can’t be too many chips, because that’s just disgusting. You got a mess there. The other way isn’t great, either. Gotta get the ratios. Mike? Where’s Mike? He never stops by lately, he’s probably in church, loves going to church. Mike?”

“Here, sir.”

“Where’s my vice-president? Mike?”

“I’m right here, sir.”

“Okay, Mike. You moved. I knew where you were, but you moved. Have you tried the cookies?”

“Sir, we have an agenda to–”

“I’m the president, and I make the agenda. Cookies are on the agenda. Eat a cookie, Mike. Jesus says it’s okay.”

“I really prefer to snack on cottage cheese and tepid water, sir.”

“Mike, I need your loyalty on this. Are you gonna be loyal, Mike? I need cookie loyalty.”

“I’ll have his cookies, Mr. President.”

“Who said that? What?”

“Dianne Feinstein, sir.”

“Where are you?”

“Literally six inches to your left, sir.”

“I knew that. I saw you the entire time, Dianne Feinstein, right, very Democratic, very bad.”

“Oh, I’m not so bad.”

“You’re not so bad.”


“You were right, Mr. President. About a lot of things, but specifically these cookies. The best.”

“The best!”

“You pick the best cookies.”

“I do. I pick the best cookies.”

“Hey, let’s ban assault weapons.”

“Y’know, that’s a good idea. Hey, everybody: let’s ban assault weapons.”


“Mr. President, if I might speak from personal experience here: when I was shot last year at a Congressional softball practice–”

“Steve Something.”

“–I was saved…Scalise, sir…by several armed–”

“I like Senators that don’t get shot. We got too many guns. I’m not talking about bing bing bing, I’m talking about the whammajammas. Whatever they’re called, the black ones. We gotta get rid of the black whammajammas, gentlemen. Up to me, I do a comprehensive. All at once, we create something beautiful. We do a comprehensive and we do a bipartisan.”

“Mr. President, I think we’re drifting–”

“Mike, how are we doing with that cookie?”

“I’m fine with the cookie.”

“Filet-O-Fish? I’ll call the guy.”

“Sir, while we are all deeply saddened by the tragedy in Parkand, we need to make sure we’re not having a knee-jerk reaction.”

“Not like this is the first one. Keeps happening! These are sick people, sick, and they’re crazy in the head. And that’s sad. But there’s nothing you can do for crazy. Sad. Nothing you can do. But they got guns! I think we gotta take the guns. Go in there and grab ’em. First you grab the guns, and then you worry about the legal. The legal will come later. Forget about the legal, you gotta grab the guns.”

“I think we need to worry about ‘the legal,’ sir.”

“Man, this guy. Mike Pence loves guns so much. Mike, how much did the NRA give you this year?”

“We’re on teevee, sir.”

“Tons! They own half this room. NRA owns you guys, but we gotta do something about the guns.”

“Mr. President, may I have another scrumptious cookie?”

“Absolutely, Dianne.”

“You have the best taste in snacks.”

“Many people tell me that. Great snacks.”

“Much better than Obama.”

“Yes, yes, much better than Obama.”

“Hey, let’s raise the age limit on handguns to 21.”

“Great idea. Hey, everybody–”