Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donald trump (page 1 of 15)

The Daily Recounting 4/11/17

“Mr. Madison?’

“What is it, Jenkins? I told you not to bother me while I’m writing the Constitution.”

“It’s about that, sir.”

“This better not be that parliament talk again.”

“Why not? Maybe we don’t need a president.”

“We can’t have a parliamentary system because that requires you be able to call elections at any time, and America’s too big and spread out for that.”

“I don’t know if that argument makes sense.”

“Who’s the Founding Father here?”

“You are.”

“That’s right, I am. So stop bugging me. We decided on three branches.”

“Okay, but maybe the executive branch is more of a mascot to the other branches?”

“No, Jenkins.”

“How about this: make the Supreme Court in charge of the military.”

“What? That’s absurd.”

“Or me. Make me in charge of the military. Literally anyone but the president.”

“Stop it.”

“Fine. What if there’s an escape hatch clause?”

“What are you blathering on about?”

“An escape hatch clause. Like, if it turns out that the president is a deranged and irrational grifter who watches teevee all day and only trusts his immediate family?”

“Teevee?”

“Forget I said teevee. Concentrate on the other stuff.”

“Jenkins, have you not read the document? The executive may declare no war without the legislature’s vote.”

“Declare war, sure. But he could start one on his own.”

“Are you smoking opium again?”

“No.”

“We should later.”

“Okay. What about money?”

“I’m not giving you any more. You just buy candy.”

“No, sir. What about the president’s money?”

“The man’s salary shall be $25,000, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir. But what about a ban on making any profit outside the office while one occupies it?”

“No, no. Should General Washington sell his farm?”

“Well, that’s one thing, but what if General Washington licensed his name to hotels in China?”

“You’re talking gibberish again, Jenkins.”

“Just add one line. Just one. ‘The president is not allowed to use Twitter.’ One line, Mr. Madison, please.”

“Jenkins, are you possessed by a demon?”

“Probably not, sir.”

“The document has been framed. We’re done. No more additions. You have no faith in the wisdom of the common man, nor in the wisdom of those who have created this government.”

“Yes, sir. How much did you pay for me?”

“Fifty dollars. You were expensive.”

“I’m sure the Constitution is just fine, sir.”

“No one asked you.”

“Yes, sir.”

Transcript Of Sean Spicer’s Press Conference 4/10/17

“Good morning. Glad to see all of you except Maggie Haberman. Kiss my ass, Maggie. Florida was fun, but now it’s back to work. Before I take any questions, I have a statement that has been prepared for me.

“Ahem.

“Donald Trump is a war president. Obama did not act because he was weak and Muslim, but I went in there. Biggest explosions you’ve ever seen, just massive. Great stuff, just like Patton. Real presidents take action to help babies. Obama hated babies, but I will protect all the beautiful babies.

“Chinese guy and me got along great. Just the best, wonderful guy, said many nice things to me. Maybe I should get him to help me build the wall? Chines build great walls, but Donald Trump will build the best wall of all time. Great guy, Xi. Bad name, good guy. My little granddaughter came and sang for him. Chinese song, the one about putting pee-pee in your Coke. He loved it. My granddaughter is now the Secretary of Agriculture.

“And now we have the best judge for the court, the big one, he’s gonna make the most wonderful decisions. You’re gonna love his decisions. Neil Gorsuch. Also not a great name, but great judge. Very, very, very smart man. Almost as smart as me for choosing him. I made a good decision, and now he’s gonna make great ones. Appointing justices is easy. Why couldn’t Obama do it? Weak guy.

“Ahem.

“Okay, let’s take some questions. Wait, before we start: the room’s overbooked and I’m going to need one of the reporters to give up their seat. Ed?”

“What?”

“I’m going to have to re-accommodate you.”

“That’s not a word.”

“Irregardless, you’re going to have to go. We are offering a voucher for $50 at Panera Bread.”

“Sean, this is my job. I have deadlines.”

“And so does the gentleman from WorldNetDaily who needs your seat. Fine, I’ll throw in some Trump steaks.”

“No, thank you.”

“Set of all-weather Trump tires?”

“I’m good.”

“You’re not. Goons!”

STRUGGLE STRUGGLE GOON GOON

“Okay, let’s move on. Kristin?”

“Sean, why is it okay to bomb Syria, but not help the refugees?”

“I reject your binary, Kristin. Bombing the refugees is helping them. It’s called tough love.”

“Second question: What is the Trump Doctrine?”

“The Trump Doctrine?”

“Yes. The overarching ethos behind the president’s foreign policy.”

“Don’t gas babies.”

“Anything else?”

“Well, obviously, Kristin. But if you gas a baby, we’re going to blow you up. Major?”

“Were the Russians informed before the strike?”

“Let me amend my previous statement: if you gas a baby, we’re going to call you and warn you first, and then blow you up.”

“Was Congress informed?’

“I’m sure they’ve heard by now.

“So, Congress wasn’t informed of the missile strikes?”

“Well, we weren’t launching the missiles at them, were we?”

“Right. During the campaign, the president said often that you shouldn’t give away your plans beforehand, and that President Obama had made an error in alerting Mosul that an attack was forthcoming.”

“Did he say that?”

“And now the targets of the American strike were called before the missiles came.”

“Of course. Of course we alerted Russia and Syria before the strikes. They are our allies.”

“What now?”

“Allies.”

“Do allies often shoot Tomahawk missiles at one another?”

“It’s a whole new world. John?”

“Sean, today, our Ambassador to the United Nations said that Assad must be removed from power, while Secretary of State Tillerson said that the Syrian people could decide his fate. The president, meanwhile, has not said anything. What is the official policy?”

“Don’t gas babies.”

“Has there really been no progress past that?”

“I think it’s a pretty important point, John. If you gas babies and the president sees the pictures, you’re gonna get it. As to Assad, there are many options on the table. Maybe we’ll assassinate him?”

LAWYER RUNNING IN NOISE

“Whisper whisper whisper.”

“That’s illegal? I had no idea. How illegal?”

“Whisper whisper whisper.”

“Wow.”

LAWYER RUNNING OUT NOISE

“I retract my previous statement. Kelly?”

“Sean, can you comment on the rift between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner? Reports have them at war.”

“Well, neither of them better gas any babies.”

“Not that kind of war, Sean.”

“We don’t comment on personal stories, Kelly, and this is fake news. These are unsourced reports that may as well have been made up out of whole cloth. Jared and Steve are great friends and have an excellent working relationship.

“FUCK YOU, JEWBOY!”

“SUCK MY DICK, YOU DRUNKEN NAZI FUCK!”

“Sean, what was that?”

“What was what?”

“You didn’t hear Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner yelling at each other?”

“I did not. You did? Wow. Maybe you’re going crazy.”

“I heard them, too, Sean.”

“Okay, both of you are being re-accommodated. Goons!”

STRUGGLE STRUGGLE GOON GOON

“Great. Any other questions? No? See you tomorrow, then.”

Let’s Hear From The Pundits

“My God, he’s the most presidential president that ever presidented.” – Fareed Zakaria, after Trump blows up a school.

“I salute you, you sexy genius.” – Matt Lauer, after Trump gets through a speech someone else wrote for him.

“Why aren’t we making room on Mount Rushmore?” – Van Jones, after Trump kills a hundred people in retaliation for someone killing 50.

“Christ, I want that man’s cock in my mouth.” – Chris Cilliza, after Trump sees a picture of a dead child and immediately pushes the “Kill Shit” button without asking anyone if he should.

“The only thing more beautiful than missiles slamming into unarmed foreigners is our president. I want his cock in my mouth, too.” – Brian Williams, after Trump maybe starts WWIII on a whim.

Donald Trump’s Remarks From 4/6/17

“Good evening my fellow Americans, and also all the haters and losers. On Tuesday, President Assad of Syria launched very, very horrible weapons at his own people, chemical weapons, horrible. Normal bombs are bad, but now we’re talking about the chemical. Bad stuff! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it on Fox. They showed the worst pictures, just the worst, of very beautiful babies who are not allowed in America because they are Radical Islamic Terrorists.

“Obama killed those babies. By being weak and cowardly with Assad, Obama killed the babies. Maybe he gave some of the babies to John Podesta, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m very proud to announce the launching of 60 Trump Missiles towards the airfield where the chemical was from. Or the factory where it was made. Or something. I didn’t get into the little shit, that’s why I hire generals.

“Oh, right. I also call on the international community, who are deadbeats and pussies, to aid us in bringing down Assad.

“Let us now bow our heads and pray.

“American Jesus, hear us. You are so great. So, so great. Thank you for making me president during this crisis, and not Hillary Clinton. She worships the devil, Jesus. Guide our cruise missiles, Jesus. We ask for peace and harmony and blah bah blah.

“All right, amen, enough with the God crap. They told me I’m not supposed to take questions, but I’m going to.

“Maggie?

“Those tweets were strategic, Maggie. Once again, the disgraceful media which lies and should be stabbed in the face lies about me. You are pushing a narrative. A narrative! “Trump sent out tweets arguing against attacking Syria.” Wrong! I was being strategic. I’m very, very good at the strategic. I wrote those to confuse Assad. Didn’t want him to know my strategy. That makes me strategic.

“No, I won’t stop saying ‘strategic.’ I’m the president and I’ll say whatever I want.

“Yes, this has been a long time in planning. Almost 36 hours. Honestly: war? Not that tough. Shoot this, blow up that. Most people don’t give me credit for being a warrior, but I am. I went to military school, and I was voted ‘Most Military’ four years straight. Great with the military. We had the best plan going into this, a real wonderful plan, just great. My son-in-law Jared also helped with the plan. Great plan.

“Alan?

“That’s not a fair question, Alan. I want to talk about the wonderful missiles I just launched and you want to bring up Russia, which is a hoax. The entire Russia story was made up by Susan Rice, who is a very bad black. So many great blacks in this country–Ben Carson, my good friend Don King–but the government gets nothing but evil blacks. I’ll say it because I have no time for political correctness now that I’ve started a war. Evil blacks.

“That reminds me. We were very, very, very careful not to hit civilians during this strike, but if any civilians die, it’s Obama’s fault.

“Marty?

“Steve Bannon was taken off the National Security Council because he did the job he was there to do, which was watch Michael Flynn, even though Michael Flynn did nothing wrong and didn’t need anyone to watch him. Mission accomplished. A lot of people on the Council were coming up to me, “Mr. President, Steve Bannon is too good at National Security and he’s making us look bad.” Many people said that.

“Kelly?

“Good question, Kelly, and your cans look phenomenal. Assad will step down. How? It’s gonna happen. Don’t worry about how. This will end well. Jared was very, very confident that all of this would end well. Unless Obama sabotages us, then this will end with Assad out of power and also we’ll have a better trade deal with China. Trust me.

“Okay, God bless America and me.”

They’ll Give That Pulitzer To Just Anyone

For Nicholas Kristof

Brooklyn, New York — Rhonda Lynn is a kindergarten teacher and a Democrat who didn’t vote for Donald Trump. Now she’s wrestling with the consequences.

Lynn’s deep-seated exhaustion is matched only by passion for her students. Up to 70% of them utilize some sort of government assistance, from housing vouchers to free breakfast programs. She became teary as she described a student who never seemed to want to go home in the winter. Her family’s heat had been turned off. Mrs. Lynn reached out to the parents and connected them with a local program that provided relief from utility bills.

“They were sleeping by the open oven,” she said, her eyes liquid.

So she is not surprised in the slightest that one of Trump’s first proposals is to cut federal funds that help the organization.

“We told y’all this shit would happen!” she said.

Here in Brooklyn, I’ve been interviewing many people like Mrs. Lynn: supporters of Mrs. Clinton, or a third party, or non-voters, who were ignored by the mass media as it went traipsing through Oklahoma to gently interview the stupidest white people in existence. And they’re upset.

“They’re surprised Trump’s a scumbag? I coulda told ’em,” asked Jesus Ortega, a reluctant Clinton supporter who is enrolled in a program called Brooklyn WorkAdvance that trains mostly unemployed workers to fill well-paying manufacturing jobs. Trump has proposed eliminating a budget pot that pays for the program. “My cousin Louis worked for him. Orange pendejo paid him 60 cents on the dollar.

“First damn words out of his mouth announcing his campaign was some racist bullshit,” Ortega’s friend Kermit Vance added.

We were in a diner, because in these types of articles you have to go to a diner. I came to Brooklyn to see how residents would react to the sadness and disappointment of Trump voters, who are now realizing that they may have been sold a bill of goods.

“No sympathy,” Vance said.

“You shitting me?” said Ortega.

I reminded them about rural voters’ economic anxiety. Vance was speechless; Ortega stabbed me with a fork. I left the diner to speak to the only other source acceptable to a New York Times columnist: a cab driver. Yousef Duallo is from Haiti, and has been in Brooklyn for three years. I told him that many Trump voters felt resentful for being mocked as dumb.

“Then tell them to stop doing dumb things! Do you speak to these people?”

I told him that I was flying to Kentucky that night to speak to Trump voters in a diner.

“Tell them!” He let me out of the cab, and I immediately hailed another one. Michel Dubois is also from Haiti, and has been a cab driver for six years. I tell him that Trump voters are surprised that his budget would cut programs they relied on. Mr. Dubois started laughing and didn’t stop until he dropped me off at home.

I remember something Mrs. Lynn, the kindergarten teacher, said to me.

“Why don’t you stop commiserating about being wet with the idiots who steered the ship onto the rocks?”

I went upstairs and flagellated myself with a whip for twenty minutes, then packed for Kentucky. There were coal miners waiting for me at a diner.

Sin Like Flynn

“General Flynn, come on in. Have a seat.”

“Thank you.”

“My name is Jenkins, and I’m with the Senate counsel’s office.”

“Is that a thing?”

“For the purposes of this dialogue, yes. Now, General, you wish to testify in front of the Senate in exchange for immunity?”

“And a new identity.”

“Are you talking about the Witness Protection Program?”

“Yes. I’d like to be Shaquille O’Neal.”

“That’s not how that works.”

“Fine, I’ll be Kobe. I just want to be really rich and black.”

“Leaving aside your race-based power fantasies, sir, why should the Senate offer you immunity?”

“I’ve been a baaaaaaad boy.”

“You’re going to need to be far more specific.”

“I have blood on my hands, Jenkins. Well, not blood. More like piss and vodka. Still: very wet hands.”

“Let’s start from the beginning.”

“I was a rambunctious lad.”

“Not that far back.”

“I entered your office.”

“You overshot. Let’s concentrate on the events in between your childhood and this moment.”

“I need to know that I have immunity first. Plus you really need to protect me.”

“Protect you, General? From whom?”

“My life is in danger!”

“From whom, sir?”

“The Trump Administration!”

“HAHAHAHAHA!”

“HAHAHAHAHA!”

“Right?”

“Oh, I love to laugh. Seriously, General, who’s threatening you?”

“Putin.”

“Oh, shit. You’re gonna die.”

“I know!”

“Maybe we should do this over the phone.”

“I’m already here.”

“Sure. Let’s make it quick, though. What do you have?’

“Recordings. Receipts. Plane tickets. Bank statements. I was the courier between Russia and the Trump campaign. I know everything.”

“So? Pretty soon, we’re going to know everything. You’re only interesting to us if you can give us someone bigger than you.”

“Taller?”

“Not physically bigger, General. Larger in scope and importance.”

“How about the President of the United States?”

“Now we’re talking. Yes?”

“President Obama wiretapped Trump Tower.”

“I think we’re done.”

“I can give you Manafort.”

“Dude, we got Manafort.”

“I can give you Jared Kushner.”

“We in the counsel’s office are certain that Mr. Kushner will not only make a deal the very second we threaten him, but also cry like a little girl when he does. so. Give me something I can take back to my bosses, General.”

“I can give you the Vice-President.”

“Vice-President Pence colluded with the Russians?’

“Yeah, sure, why not?”

“General.”

“Immunity!”

“You can’t call ‘immunity,’ sir.”

“Immunity!”

“No. It’s not like shotgun. General, we’re going to think about it.”

“Jenkins, they’re gonna kill me.”

“That’s generally what happens to traitors, General.”

Pax Romana, The Best Pax, The Most Beautiful Pax You’ve Ever Seen

26 BC, ASTURICA, HISPANIA

“General Trumpicus, I see you’re looking swollen. Welcome to camp. The Cantabrians mass along the ridge.”

“Who we fighting here? Calrissians?”

“Cantabrians.”

“Bad guys! Let’s go, let’s do something. We’re gonna attack biglius.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to take some time to assess the situation?”

“Forget the little shit. Trumpicus is an action general.”

“Yes, sir. Your orders?”

“Have the left flank fight the right flank.”

“Sir?”

“And I want you to shoot arrows at the supply lines.”

“Theirs?”

“Ours. The supply line is disloyal.”

“That’s not an optimal idea, Trumpicus.”

“Priebus, who’s general here?”

“You, for some reason.”

“That’s right. What is the press saying about me?”

“Nothing, sir.”

“Why not?”

“It’s 26 BC. The concept of ‘press’ doesn’t exist yet.”

“Do the legions love me?”

“You just got here, but they already have their doubts.”

“Take away their healthcare.”

“Again, sir: 26 BC. There is no healthcare.”

“Take away their swords and tell ’em they’re sissies.”

“Are you trying to fuck this up?

“IVth LEGION!”

“Sir, stop yelling.”

“ATTACK IXth LEGION!”

“Don’t do that! Please, don’t! Sir, we need the legions to work together.”

“I like to promote competition. Besides, I heard some sergeants in the IXth talking about me.”

“The soldiers will do that. Raucous sense of humor in the legion.”

“Have all the sergeants executed.”

“That would be counter-productive, sir.”

“Why aren’t we attacking? We should be attacking.”

“We need a plan, sir. There’s the old one left by your predecessor.”

“Obamanus? Bad plan! Sick plan. Bad guy, no good plan.”

“It’s not a bad plan, sir.”

“We can come up with something better. What if everyone panics and fights for himself?”

“Terrible plan.”

“That’s what we’re going with, great, wonderful. Some of these larger structures are going to need to be set on fire.”

“Oh, Trumpicus.

Transcript Of Sean Spicer’s Press Conference 3/28/17

“Good morning, everyone except John Rogers. This is the 68th day of Year Zero in America. I will begin by reading a statement that someone else prepared, and I’m not revealing who.

“Ahem.

“The Democrats are terrible, just terrible. They hate America! All they do is obstruct, but not build America. How many high-quality skating rinks has Chuck Schumer built? Where are Nancy Pelosi’s golf courses? Horrible face on Pelosi.

“For too long, regulations have killed jobs. Obama, who is in the next room with a glass up against the wall, wanted the country to be as lazy as he was, with all his vacations and basketball. I have seen videotape of Obama personally firing many coal miners. Many places have reported that he got a sexual charge from it. Real sick guy. Hillary liked to kill Marines, but Obama liked killing jobs.

“Today, the Greatest President Ever will sign a really, really, very great order slicing through all the red tape. Already, West Virginia has added 400,000 new jobs. It happened this morning, wonderful news.

“Ahem.

“Before we start, I want to say something. Our relationship, the one between the press and the White House, has gotten a bit contentious. Maybe we should both bring it back down, and see if we can start over. Maybe we can both work on bringing a little civility back to Washington.”

“Sean, I have a question.”

“FUCK YOU, CAROL! Right in your fat asshole, Carol.”

“Inappropriate, Sean.”

“What’s inappropriate is your lies about Russia.”

“I didn’t mention Russia.”

“You just said it.”

“Only because you did first.”

“Carol, I won’t play the blame game with you. There is no Russia.”

“Fine. The Washington Post is reporting that the White House tried to block former Deputy AG Sally Yates from meeting with the House Intelligence Committee. Any comment?”

“See, this is the agenda. These are the lies that you tell. 100% false, Carol. The White House encouraged Miss Yates to meet with the committee. We were all looking forward to her testimony.”

“Really?”

“I offered to give her a ride.”

“Okay, then why did the Department of Justice send her a letter saying that she couldn’t?”

“I have looked into that, and it turns out that the entire letter was a typo.”

“A typo?”

“Darn auto-correct. What the DoJ meant to say was ‘We’re all behind you, yay.’ But, you know, your finger slips and accidentally invokes Executive Privilege that doesn’t exist. Happens to everybody. We are all anticipating Miss Yates’ testimony.”

“The hearing was canceled.”

“Oh, noooo. How awful. That’s sad. Eamon?”

“Does the president still believe climate change is a hoax?”

“We’re focused on jobs. Amanda?”

“Why does the president keep tweeting about Hillary Clinton?”

“Jobs. Brian?”

“The president’s lawyers are claiming that he is immune from several sexual-harassment lawsuits. What’s your comment on that?”

“Jobs.”

“Jobs?”

“And it’s not Russia. April?”

“I have a question about Russia.”

“Wow! What is it with you people and Russia?”

“You people?”

“Oh, I didn’t mean black, April. I meant the press. All you people in the press telling lies, and obsessing about Russia, and eating fried chicken.”

“What now?”

“The press, April! Everything’s not about race. I’m talking about the press, always pushing agendas and rapping.”

“I’m just gonna ask my question.”

“The Trump Administration loves the blacks.”

“Please just let me ask my question. Congressman Nunes received classified information in the secure room here at the White House. Who was in the room with him?”

“Congressman Nunes has never been to the White House. We are not coordinating with Congressman Nunes. There is no Congressman Nunes.”

“What?”

“There is no Congressman Nunes. Your eyes are getting heavy. You are getting sleeeeeeepy.”

“Are you trying to hypnotize me?”

“Is it working?”

“No.”

“Then, no. April, Congressman Nunes has never been to the White House.”

“He’s right behind you.”

“I’m not falling for that old…Jesus, Devin.”

“Hi, Sean. I ate all the almonds in your office, so I came out to look for more and I saw cameras.”

“Go back inside, Devin.”

“Wow, look at all these cameras. Hi, everyone. I’m Congressman Devin Nunes, and I don’t know anything about Russia. If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to incriminate myself now.”

“GO IN THE OFFICE, DEVIN!”

“Jesus, rude.”

“Sean, would you like to explain that?”

“Explain what?”

“The Congressman’s appearance and statements.”

“What Congressman?”

“Sean, don’t.”

“Maybe time for new glasses, April. Congressmen, Russia: you keep seeing things that aren’t actually there.”

“It is your assertion that Devin Nunes was not just standing next to you?”

“It is.”

“Then why did the president just tweet out, and I quote, ‘Devin Nunes looking strong and confident next to Sweaty Sean. Maybe he should be my press secratary!'”

“Did he really?”

“Yeah. Wait. He has now deleted it and reposted the same tweet, but with ‘secretary’ spelled right.”

“That’s his process. Any more questions?”

“So many.”

“Great. That’s a wrap, folks.”

The Trump Administration Travels Through Time

The Reichstag, Feburary 1933

“Anyone see us?”

“No, we’re good. Okay, burn it down.”

“What? Me?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought you had the matches.”

“You were supposed to bring them.”

“The matches were your responsibility.”

“Well, do you have a lighter?”

“I have a vape pen.”

“That doesn’t help.”

“What if we break the windows?”

“You can’t start World War II by breaking windows, jackass.”

Sarajevo, June 1914

“There he is.”

“No.”

“I see him.”

“Not him.”

BANG!

“I shot the archduke!”

“No, you didn’t! That’s just a regular duke.”

“No.”

“Do you mean to tell me you don’t know the difference between a duke and a archduke?”

“I just assumed–”

“GodDAMNit!”

“–they’d be much more physically dissimilar.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Who’d I shoot?”

“No idea.”

“Is this gonna start World War I?”

“Almost certainly not.”

Spain, 1478

“What do you mean ‘You lost the Jews?'”

“They were right here in the ghetto last time I looked.”

“They’re not here now.”

“Which is odd, because I told them to be up bright and early today for the Inquisition.”

“You told them about it!?”

“You don’t want to just spring the Spanish Inquisition on someone who isn’t expecting it.”

“THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO!”

“Doesn’t seem sporting.”

“Regardless. We now have no Jews. To whom will we make our inquiries?”

“It’s almost like our boundless enthusiasm for evil is outmatched by our infinite capacity for incompetence.”

“Almost.”

The Daily Recounting 3/23/17

The vote’s not going their way, Enthusiasts, and Paul Ryan and the rest of those ferret-faced babyeaters will wait patiently in line to blame the White House on teevee and the would-be king from Queens is going to pull out his cell phone–actually, Bannon will probably hand it to him, giggling and burping all the while–and Trump is going to his standby: weaponized tweets.

(Although in his defense–and it pains me to defend anything about him–they worked up until very recently. As he said in a recent Time interview, “I’m President, and you’re not.” That is a true statement, in the sense that Jeffrey Dahmer telling people he was going to eat them was a true statement.)

So, in lieu of the usual Recounting, TotD presents Possible Topics Of The Post-Healthcare Vote Tweetstorm:

  • Paul Ryan. (“Cryin’ Ryan is a failure! Couldn’t repeal Obamacare now PEOPLE WILL DIE! Paul Ryan: murderer? #steveking4speaker”)
  • Ivanka. (“Fake News says very smart Ivanka doesn’t deserve WH office. I AM PRESIDNET AND I DECIDE! Ivanka has a great office!”)
  • Congress. (“So-called Congress can’t pass bills! I will issue an EO repealing the terrible Obamacare very soon!”)
  • Obama. (“Muslim Ban judge met with Obama before terrible decision! Was there a payoff?”)
  • Canada. (“C2C w/Art Bell just reported Justin Trudeau ‘wiretapped’ Mar-A-Lago with the help of the Israelis. Sad and sick if true!”)
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger. (“I’m PRESIDNET and he is not! I have informed the IRS to look into Arnold. Let’s see what we find!”)
  • Burger King. (“Fries taste different! Change fries back or I will hold campaign rallies at McDonald’s!”)
  • Rosie O’Donnell. (“People think I have forgotten about Disgusting Rosie BUT I HAVE NOT. Still very fat and no career.”)
  • Paul Manafort. (“Fake News CNN keeps saying I knew Paul Manafort. I have never met Paul Manafort. Such dishonesty!”)
  • Freedom Caucus. (“Freedom Caucus wants to destroy America! Are they traitors? I am going to tapp their offices!”)
  • London. (“London elects Muslim mayor, then there’s a terror attack? Just common sense!”)
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