Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donald trump (page 1 of 23)

Piece On Shit

Donald Trump is not a piece of shit. Shit can be useful.

Put it in a barrel, throw your banana peels and egg shells and coffee grounds on top. Cardboard and paper works, too, because cardboard and paper are just mutilated trees. Cover up the barrel, stir it once in a while. In no time at all, you’ll have mulch. This can be used to grow nutritious fruits and vegetables, or beautiful flowers, or icky that is so sticky.

It’s fuel, too, shit. When the settlers crossed the Great Plains, they found no wood for their fires. All the tall grass had been burned by the Paiute; that was how they hunted the buffalo. As the sun got low, and the wagons pulled up for the night, one of the children would be given the task of collecting dung from the oxen. Apply flint, steel: fire. From shit came warmth and light and protection. Coffee could be percolated; bacon fried.

Until fairly recently, if you were wearing leather, you were wearing shit. Piss, too. If you just flay an animal, the skin–now bereft of circulating blood–will rot away quickly. The hide needs to be dried, and then tanned. Tanning used to require shit, or at least a certain bacteria found within the shit that our dummy ancestors were unable to synthesize. (It will not surprise you that the tanneries were always located on the outskirts of the city, far away from where the rich folks lived.) No shit, no leather.

Donald Trump is not a piece of shit. Shit can be useful.

He is a cancer.

Punching Above His Weight

He came for Oprah during the NBA All-Star Game on Black Panther weekend. Which is impressive. It’s like pushing Jon Stewart down the stairs at a Phish show on the third night of Hanukkah. (The sharp-eyed will not that TotD does not follow the Combovergruppenführer. I won’t have him popping up in my feed unbidden and suddenly like some cheeseburger-soaked pukwudgie.) I don’t know about this one. People love them some Oprah. White ladies would fucking die for Oprah, and every black lady has an ongoing fantasy in which she takes Gayle King’s place as Oprah’s bestie. The Big O is a four-quadrant personality; she’s got a giant Q. This is a terrible move.

Which, of course, means that he’s gonna do something even worse in a week or so. TotD thereby presents: Which Beloved American Figure Is Trump Gonna Attack Next?

  • Rocky Balboa.
  • Women actively giving birth.
  • Wounded veterans. (Wait. He already did this several times.)
  • Apple pie.
  • Babe Ruth.
  • Nancy Reagan. (“No tits! Sad!”)
  • The half-forgotten, nearly genetic, memory of the frontier that all Americans have hidden in their hearts.
  • The astronauts that died on the Challenger.
  • Hot dogs.
  • Tom Hanks.
  • The ending of Old Yeller. (“I didn’t cry. Everyone said I was going to cry. Didn’t cry. Not sad!”)

Revelations From The Mueller Indictments

  • There’s never been anything good with the initials IRA, and that includes noted disaster-movie director Irwin Allen, whose middle name was Reaganesque.
  • Even the Russians didn’t give a shit about Evan McMullin.
  • No party was charged with collusion, possibly because “collusion” isn’t the name of a crime.
  • You may or may not have run an errand for Vladimir Putin last year; there’s no way to be sure.
  • You may or may not be a Russian troll pretending to be an Enthusiast; there’s no way to be sure.
  • I may or may not be–
  • Stop it.
  • I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME IN THE BULLET POINTS! THIS IS MY ME-PLACE.
  • Stop all of this.
  • Wouldn’t it be great if I really were a Russian trollbot all along?
  • Like, I meant to tap the Deadhead niche and created the site to give myself some credibility, but I just got into it and forgot to sow dissension?
  • “Comrade TotDski, have you organized protest and counter-protest in Baton Rouge yet?”
  • “I haven’t. I’ve actually been working on a novel.”
  • I think that would be a great twist.
  • It would be.
  • ARE YOU STILL HERE?
  • You don’t own the bullet points. I can go wherever I want. You’re not the boss of me.
  • I absolutely am. I am the dominant voice. I stand up straight and you lean like a drunkard. Therefore, I win.
  • Ableist.
  • May I continue?
  • Yes.
  • Once again, the FBI has failed us, as it did nothing about reports of Russians standing on San Francisco street corners asking passersby for directions to “the nuclear wessels.”
  • It cannot be overstated how complicit and responsible Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and YouTube are for this.
  • And Google.
  • If Tumblr is still a thing, then Tumblr, too.
  • I don’t know how much blame to put on Instagram.
  • Instagram is just bikini girls and food and John Mayer.
  • Fuck it, better safe than sorry: Instagram is on the list.
  • It will come as no shock that one of the states Russia targeted for special attention was Florida; the places share a lunatic bond; one of their dash-cam videos could have easily been filmed in Pompano Beach.
  • Here’s the 2020 Democratic candidate’s campaign slogan: “I will sever the cable that connects Russia to the internet with a great big hatchet.”
  • That’s a landslide right there.
  • Medicare for all, legalized pot, fuck Russia.
  • BOOM you just won the presidency.
  • Also important for a Dem to run in ’20 is “not a demon slaphead made of nightmare-shit.”
  • Nightmare-shit is when you have a nightmare so scary that you shit yourself.
  • It is a rare shit.
  • And that is what Donald Trump is made out of.
  • I have been told he employs a small army of goblins to go bedroom-to-bedroom collecting what they call “dough for the master.”
  • Sneak into your window, throw a dracula or two into your dreams, PPLFT you shit yourself in terror, and the goblins scoop it up and bring it back to the White House so they can re-sculpt our president every morning.
  • I have been told that by many, many people.
  • Many people are talking about it.

Donald Trump’s Demands For His Military Parade

  • The most beautiful tanks.
  • Marvelous jeeps or whatever we got now, those big ones, get those.
  • The helmets with the pointy things.
  • When they do the thing with the guns, when they go from one shoulder to the other, with all the yelling, that thing, great.
  • No fat chicks except Huck.
  • AT-AT Walkers.
  • Horses that know tricks.
  • Tom Brady.
  • As many soldiers as we can get, looking fabulous, and they’ll march, everyone will be talking about it.
  • Marines, too.
  • And the other ones, water-soldiers, whatever they’re called: they march, too.
  • Only good blacks.
  • I wanna make Eric a colonel.

We’ve Got The Memo

The Honorable Devin Nunes
Chairman, House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence
United States Capitol
Washington, DC 20515

Dear Mr. Chairman:

On January 29, 2018, the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence (hereinafter “the Committee”) voted to disclose publicly a memorandum containing classified information provided to the Committee in connection with its oversight activities (the “Memorandum,” which is attached to this letter). As provided by clause 11(g) of Rule X of the House of Representatives, the Committee has forwarded this Memorandum to the President based on its determination that the release of the Memorandum would serve the public interest.

The Constitution vests the President with the authority to do whatever the fuck he wants, as it is known that no one could love America more than the President, providing he is not a Black President. The President is also granted the power to declare whether facts are true or not (See U.S. Army vs. Bailey, 1973.) In order to further his goals in an efficient manner, the President may allow proxies to speak for him, lending these proxies a taste of his awesome abilities, much like Odin did when he gifted to his son, Thor, the enchanted hammer Mjolnir. (See Heimdall vs. Simonson, 1990.) President Trump has imbued the Committee with but a fraction of his Constitutional strength, and we are become gods, we are become mighty.

The Committee has determined that the release of the Memorandum is appropriate. The Committee has also determined that it would not be appropriate to discuss the thought process behind this decision, and burned the minutes of all relevant meetings. Similarly inappropriate to release would be the 12-minute long video we have in our possession of Adam Schiff jerking it to Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies, though the Committee does reserve the right to leak the footage if he doesn’t shut the fuck up.

PURPOSE

This memorandum proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Federal Bureau of Investigations is evil, incompetent, and possibly under the thrall of one or more demons such as Dab Tsog, Onoskelis, or Hillary Clinton. Our findings will show that President Trump did not collude with Russia and is 6’3″. The Department of Justice sucks, too.

On October 21, 2016,  DOJ and FBI sought and received a FISA probable cause order (not under Title VII) authorizing electronic surveillance on Carter Page from the FISC. It is our contention that:

  • Carter Page does not exist.
  • But if he does, he only got coffee.
  • Not even for important people, either: he fetched coffee for the secretaries.
  • At NO TIME was Carter Page authorized to make McDonald’s runs for President Trump.

The FISA order was renewed four times at 90-day intervals, which means that the DOJ and FBI are quadruple traitors. The Committee also contends that “FISA” is a rather foreign-sounding word, and not Norwegian-foreign. Bad-foreign. We cannot be sure that MS-13 did not issue the order for surveillance.

Our findings indicate that many salient and pertinent details were left out of the requests to the FISA court:

  1. The surveillance order was granted because of fake news contained in a “dossier” compiled by Christopher Steele, a longtime Democratic operative who may or may not have helped Hillary Clinton personally murder Vince Foster. To wit: Christopher Steele has never denied his part in the murder. Mr. Steele was paid $160,000 to “dig up dirt” on President Trump relating to Russia.
  2. The FISA application also quoted a New York Times article on Carter Page, and the Times is fake news. Therefore, no collusion.
  3. Christopher Steele was then terminated by the FBI for gross negligence, sexual harassment, taking public doodies, hiding razor blades in Halloween candy, licking nuns, and attempting to steal the Declaration of Independence. This was reported in an article by David Corn in Mother Jones, which is usually very, very fake news, but can be believed this time.
  4. At this point, a vast and secretive cabal located within the DOJ and FBI–with help from the CIA, DIA, NSA, and the Girl Scouts of America–began an evil and unpatriotic attack on then-candidate President Trump. Their plan was arrived at after a winter spent locked into a decaying castle in France where the members of this society, led by Negro Obama, defiled orphans and scatted upon each others’ chests in order to taunt God.
  5. Some or all of the FBI are skinwalkers.
  6. MAGA.

UNCLASSIFIED BY THE UNITES STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
(If found, please return to the great big white building opposite the Lincoln Memorial.)

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union

  • The State of the Union is not, in fact, strong.
  • Nancy Pelosi is not an illegal immigrant and therefore should not have been arrested by ICE during the speech.
  • Climate Change is not “Jew magic.”
  • Pittsburgh is not the capital of Pennsylvania.
  • Nor is it the capital of Ohio.
  • The leading cause of death in the American military is suicide, not “hearts breaking because ungrateful wide receivers took a knee on the flag.”
  • The International Space Station is not powered by coal.
  • It is not true that “No one knows who won World War II.”
  • The Electoral College is not an actual school.
  • The Tasmanian Tiger died out before Barack Obama was even born, making it impossible for their extinction to be caused by “Obama-era job-killing regulations.”
  • Queen Elizabeth has never FaceTimed Donald Trump, and she certainly has not done so while masturbating.
  • The Pyramids were not built using Wookiee slave labor.
  • Hillary Clinton is not in charge of a secret society called the Hilluminati.
  • Her husband is similarly not the head of the Billuminati.
  • There is no passage in the Bible that states “See a fag, punch a fag.”
  • Mormons are not amphibious in the slightest.
  • Joe Biden is still alive.
  • While African-American employment numbers are rising, it has nothing to do with the XFL’s relaunch.
  • Herbert Hoover and J. Edgar Hoover were neither the same person, nor were they twins.
  • There are 50 states.

An Exclusive Look At The First Draft Of The White House’s Immigration Proposal

Lucky dogs that you are, Enthusiasts, TotD has dug up the first draft of the White House’s immigration proposal. (Maggie Haberman sent it to me.) It’s as wild as–

You writing about the Grateful Dead? As is promised in the name of the blog?

What do you want from me, man? They were smelly people who didn’t know how to end songs. My scope has widened; my portfolio is now the world.

You’re a tick on the balls of humanity.

Well, humanity should have worn shorts when it went running through all that high grass.

Just write something, anything, about the Dead. How about a recommendation?

Don’t eat Tide Pods.

A show recommendation.

Oh, fine: 5/28/77 from the Hartford Civic Center.

Obscure.

Well, there’s a reason the fucker was an official release. Can I get to my little comedical sketch now, please?

Whatever.

Anyway, Enthusiasts, here’s the first draft of the White House’s immigration proposal:

BORDER SECURITY

Securing the Southern and Northern borders of the United States requires a combination of manpower, intelligence, and a brand-new fleet of Mankiller™ armed drones provided by the DeVos family. Without these factors, MS-13 animals will rape everyone reading this proposal.

The Department of Homeland Security must have the following to keep your white daughters safe:

  • Immediate construction of THE WALL, and Chuck Schumer needs to refer to it as THE WALL in all-caps every time he talks about it.
  • Spiffy new uniforms for our Border Patrol, who are the real heroes.
  • 3.5 million new ICE agents.
  • Funding for a Super-ICE agent program.
  • Enable all Real Americans to perform “citizen’s deportations” on suspected illegals.
  • Blue-Ribbon Commission to look into a “Judge Dredd” sort of deal.
  • Recategorization of Irish, Italians, and Greeks back to “non-white” status.
  • We’re gonna need a Jew List.

DACA LEGALIZATION

Provide legal-ish status to the 1.8 filthy criminals stealing our jobs and eating our dogs.

  • Path the citizenship that shall not last for greater than sixty (60) years.
  • Installation of Patriot Chips into the nerve centers of DACA recipients that will alert the proper authorities to non-Americanism.
  • Spaying and/or neutering to prevent further breeding of illegals.
  • Some sort of badge or pin to be displayed prominently whenever in public, maybe in the shape of a taco.

PROTECT THE NUCLEAR FAMILY

Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

  • American homos are bad enough, so we’re not taking any foreign ones.

ELIMINATE DIVERSITY LOTTERY

The Diversity Lottery allows randos to waltz into America despite being gormless losers with no skills.

  • Switch to an entirely merit-based entrance system.
  • Merits include:
    • The ability to tolerate lactose.
    • Freckling in the sun.
    • Giving money to a member of the president’s family.
    • Tig ol’ bitties and an ass that goes boomshakalaka.

The Daily Reckoning 1/13/18

Ledes are getting a-buried, Enthusiasts! Soil turned, loosed, set aside and replaced with a void: and now the corpse FLUMP and before you refill the hole you also shoot your partner, Snitchy, who really shouldn’t have been let into the gang in the first place, and into the raggedly-dug grave goes Snitchy, too.

What’s happening here?

Sentence got away from me.

They’re wily like that.

Shut up, I’m talking about politics like a pundit. The past two days of Great King Shitsthebed’s reign have been even more tumultuous than usual, reminiscent of his “Nazis are people, too” moment after Charlottesville, but with the added glamour of the San Fernando Valley. And that half-hour a state thought it was going to die. (The amount that this man can fuck up in a day is staggering and enervating to the bystander: he is like Teddy Roosevelt, if Teddy Roosevelt sucked. Donald Trump is–in every sense of the word–a Stakhanovite.)

Let’s examine the three incidents and note where the important detail has been overlooked.

The Shithole Thing It’s not the language: there are multiple botnets–both virtual and human–trying to push the argument that other presidents were equally as vulgar. Irrelevant. Nixon was as foulmouthed as a sailor with Tourette’s, and Johnson had his dick out around 60% of the day, but they behaved this way in private.

Nor is it the racism. The only onlookers who do not realize that the Grand Wizard of Jamaica Estates is a racist are people who will never do so. They live in long articles in the New York Times containing lyrical descriptions of wheat fields, and Walmarts, and off-brand cigarettes. They admire a man who says what we’re all thinking. They are the economically anxious, and they do not think Donald Trump is a racist.

The rest of us, who aren’t fucking cretins, know that Basketball Head is a racist. It is not news he that would advocate Norwegian immigration over Haitian. (Nor, for that matter, is it news that he’s so ill-informed about the world that he thinks there’s a mass of Norwegians clamoring to leave their socialist igloos to live in Houston. We know he’s dumb, too.)

The important bit–as I alluded to–was that he made these comments as close to “in public” as is possible without a PA system. The Oval Office was full of Democrats who openly despise him, and Republicans that secretly do. Anything he said in that meeting may well have been tweeted out.

Who’s ready for some Game Theory?

NO!

Yeah, I was just kidding.

You better be.

No one needs that here. Besides, Game Theory doesn’t apply to Trump. You have to assume rational actors in GT, and he’s just a giant Filet-O-Hate at this point and doesn’t behave like a normal person.

True.

Thus, we can eliminate the theory that the pouch-eyed flop was dropping “shithole” into the meeting on purpose, that he wanted it to get leaked to appeal to his base. Now: it certainly has appealed to his base, because his base is composed of scum, but this was not a strategic play. If you had asked him about it immediately after the meeting, he would not have recalled saying it, but would argue that it was a great thing to say, probably the greatest, and many people were already congratulating him on it.

Lesson Learned?

He can’t get through a meeting with his political opponents without blurting out racist bullshit. That doesn’t speak to his racism, it speaks to his mental faculties.

The Porn Star Thing 

The president is a whoremonger. They made you say the Pledge of Allegiance every morning for your entire childhood, and now the president mongs whores. How’s that make you feel? Angry? Makes me angry, it should make you angry. Go get your guns. Get angry and get your guns. Now look up the directions to the roller rink.

Stop this.

No, fuck that. I’m mad and I want to shoot up a roller rink. It’s my right as an American.

This is why the New Yorker won’t hire you.

Commie rag.

Get back to the point.

Which is that it was missed. The weak and failing media, which is very fake, was of course obsessed with the salacious bits of the story. For example: the boobies. And also: the butthole. Less so: the blackmail.

The President of the United States.

Why did you stop?

I wanted to let the phrase percolate. Allow the Enthusiasts to dream of the terrible power ingrained in the phrase. The history. The blood. The city that phrase killed with a signature, and the other city it killed three days later with the same ease. I was letting the moment simmer.

Okay.

The President of the United States was extorted by a porn star.

I wish you hadn’t let it simmer. It hurt more.

It’s the embarrassment! It’s just all so fucking embarrassing!

Question.

Shoot.

You know the test where there’s food at the bottom of a jar with a small opening? And you can get your hand in to get the food, but then you can’t get it back out once you’ve made a fist?

Yeah.

How long you think it would take Trump to let the food go?

He never would. He would stagger around the West Wing smashing the jar into walls trying to break it. And he wouldn’t be able to, but he would refuse to take the jar off his hand and he does the State of the Union speech like that.

I agree. Good for us for not making a “small hands” joke there.

We cut our own path.

Lesson Learned?

I’m confident that the President of the United States was only extorted just the once. And isn’t currently being extorted. I’m confident.

The Hawaii Thing

You may recall Attorney General Jefferson Bocephus Sessions saying that Hawaii was just some “island in the Pacific,” which is like Turnip’s “shithole” comment in that it is on one level true, but that level is second-grade. Plus–and you’ll find this is a theme with these pinheads–you’re not supposed to say it out loud. (Unless, of course, you’re doing it on purpose to wink at your darky-hating supporters, but Jefferson Burningmississippi Sessions would never do something like that.)

(Now, you and I know that Hawaii shouldn’t actually be an American state, but humans are so clever that we got the point where the North American continent and the Asian one could trade regularly, and also kill each other regularly, so it’s better to control Hawaii than let the other guy do it. Also: pineapples.)

This morning, there was a false alarm broadcast out over the Emergency System threatening the island with incoming missiles. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, it said. The alerts are issued from everyone’s phones now–there used to be air raid sirens and radio announcements–and the noise is terrible. Families huddled in bathrooms, and others drank and fucked speedily. There were no missiles. Someone fucked up. And it was not Trump.

Finally, a win.

Putting aside the fact that it took him 13 hours to tweet about the incident when he SITS THERE every fucking morning TALKING TO THE TEEVEE like a DODDERING WRETCH–

Stop yelling. This is not the place for that. You’re a literary talent.

I am.

No more yelling.

It’s just all so embarrassing.

I know.

He was golfing, because of course he was golfing, when the false alarm went out and not notified until the “all clear” was given. There are two ways to interpret this:

  1. No one around Basketball Head, some of whom must be assumed to be at least semi-intelligent, thought that Hawaii’s impending incineration was important enough to interrupt the 10th hole.
  2.  They did think it was important, and conspired not to tell the president in fear of an unhinged response.

Lesson Learned

We’re all gonna fucking die.

An Interview With A Shithole

Hey, Shithole. Whatcha doing?

“Just taking it one day at a time, brother.”

Good attitude.

“Gotta stay positive in this gig.”

You’re in the news today.

“I saw that!”

How?

“I have a Google Alert set for my name.”

Oh.

“Dude, I’m fuming. I am running hot, brother!”

I can understand.

“Why does Fat Tits need to bring me into his racist bullshit?”

Dunno, man.

“Shitholes are the least racist holes! Everybody’s equal when they’re squatting on me! Black ass, white ass, whatever: all I see is brown.”

That’s sweet. Disgusting, but sweet.

“I mean, sometimes it’s other colors, but that’s a medical thing, usually. Or someone ate a lot of beets.”

Right.

“I don’t wanna cosign that cocksucker’s racism, y’know?”

Sure, sure.

“Wait. I’m sorry. I take that back. He’s not a cocksucker.”

Good for you. Don’t sink to his vulgar level.

“Oh, it’s not that. It’s that sucking cock is an essentially unselfish act. Plus, can you imagine looking at the top of that fibrous whirl he calls a hairdo while it was happening? You’d be softer than a rich lady’s pillow.”

Don’t make me think about that.

“Well, I’m pissed, man. Glad I didn’t vote for the mutant.”

Who did you vote for?

“I wrote in McMullin.”

Okay.

Frum Here To Eternity

David Frum, in The Atlantic, compares Donald Trump to Fredo Corleone; this is because David Frum has been wrong about every single thing except his choice to be born rich. Say “war” around David Frum, and you’ll see spotting on his pant crotch; it’s pre-cum, and David Frum will most likely also be pawing at you and drooling. “WAR?” he’ll shriek. “WHERE?” All global conflict is solvable, says David Frum, if only we kill enough children at it.

(Ah, TotD, the more forgiving and/or conservative Enthusiasts will say, he does not support Basketball Head. Republicans who have broken with their party to oppose the unstable thickwit surely deserve credit for their bravery and independence, do they not?

FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

I just shot you with a flamethrower. Stop butting in when I’m doing my important political blathering.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

And now you’re running around on fire. This is all your fault. You made me throw flames at you.

Anyway: no, no one any longer gets the slightest bit of lauding for recognizing that Food Court Face is a danger to the entire planet, and an embarrassment to his nation. No cookie. I’m not proud of Jennifer Rubin or Rick Wilson, or any of the other so-called “Never-Trumpers.” “Not supporting Donny” has now become a base-level demand for those wishing to be acceptable. You don’t get points for not eating your cousin, and you don’t get a gold-star for not huffing paint at a stranger’s wedding, and I will not thank you for your courage in standing up to the Dim Dummy.)

And now David Frum is wrong about The Godfather. It’s rare that someone punctures their own argument while making it, but our Frummy is special.

Let me make it clearer:

There’s a key difference between film and reality: The Wizard of Oz kept hidden and relied on trickery and cunning to further his (admittedly benevolent) aims. Donald Trump told us all who he was, and blatantly hates humanity.

At a certain point, a “key difference” becomes the point at which a metaphor should be abandoned, but as we’ve established: David Frum is sexually aroused by being wrong. You cannot handwave away Fredo’s lack of power: it was his raison d’etre, which means “foreign reason.” A Fredo who is in charge is, by definition, not a Fredo. Fredo does not and never would have the backing of his family, whereas Trump is at the head of his. Don is the Don.

The fictional character more appropos at this date is Anthony Fremont. Billy Mumy played him on the teevee. Anthony was a little boy who could make whatever was in his head reality, and the whole town catered to him out of fear. Anthony liked it when people were nice to him, and didn’t like it when they weren’t. So everyone was nice to him. They didn’t want to be wished away to the cornfield. Anthony had a big button, and it worked.

This has been another installment of TotD Corrects Useless Media Fuckers At Random. Thank you for attending.

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