Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donald trump (page 1 of 22)

Lesser-Reported Additions To The Tax Bill

  • The Alternative Minimum Tax is now starting at second base after the Regular Minimum Tax pulled his groin.
  • All museums to be burned for fuel and/or sold to the Saudis.
  • IRS defunded, employees lined up and shot.
  • Super Guantanamo.
  • Two new aircraft carriers. (McCain doodled one on the bill, complete with a jet taking off and a sound effect VROOM, and then wrote “X 2” next to it; his distinguished colleagues voted Aye, and that’s how a bill becomes a law.)
  • Each Koch brother allowed to kill ten (10) hobos a year.
  • Graduate students now disallowed from deducting their student loans, forced to work the sorghum fields.
  • Yellowstone National Park to become Yellowstone-A-Lago; Old Faithful is one of the traps on the 11th hole.
  • Public schools declared enemies of the state.
  • Estate tax repealed; the Republicans called it the Death Tax, and they also repealed the Life Tax, so now we’re basically back to a pre-industrial theory on taxation.
  • Instead of insurance, the United States will now depend on a process referred to as a “cripple cull;” the phrase appears in an unknown handwriting in the final bill, and no one has fessed up but everyone’s pretty sure it was Inhofe.
  • Work-related expenses no longer deductible for anyone except company owner, unless it’s a small business, in which case fuck you.
  • Christmas presents stolen in the night by vengeful green mutant.
  • Japanese people have to go back in the camps. (I swear to you that’s in there. It’s written in pencil, and below that is an exceptionally racist cartoon of a man with Asian features behind bars.)
  • If you fail to acknowledge and make way when a Billionaire passes you on the street, then your life is forfeit; the Billionaire may take you as his property, to use or make barter with, or simply kill you on the spot.
  • Internet sold to Meyers-Squibb for $1.

Fox News Presents: A Donald Trump Christmas Special

OPENING MUSIC: SILENT NIGHT BY KID ROCK

“Great, yes, okay. Christmas. Beautiful. The best holiday, hands down. People give you things, and that’s the best you can ask. Receiving is very important. People like to talk about giving, and giving is nice and no one gives more than me–I might be the most generous man on earth, all of earth–but receiving something valuable is a big part of it. Don’t downgrade receiving.

“White House looks just magnificent. Melania did everything, not like some First Ladies who were born in Kenya just like their husbands. I’ve decided I believe that again. Going back to the Kenya thing. Many of my investigators have told me that Obama’s birth certificate was fake news. Several have told me that he was an illegal alien. Maybe Obama was a Mexican Kenyan? I don’t know, but I do know that we finally got the black-person-smell out of the White House.”

“Jesus, Donald.”

“Melania. My beautiful wife, most beautiful First Lady ever. Makes Pat Nixon look like a real dog. By far, the hottest. Who else? Hillary’s the ugliest, obviously. People think Jackie Kennedy was hot, but no tits. Gotta have the tits, I’m a tit man. Can you even imagine Hillary’s tits? Bad tits, terrible tits. Not like Melania, so beautiful, my wife, look at her.”

SLOVENIAN AVOIDING A KISS NOISE

“Melania, tell us what you’ve done to make the White House so glamorous and luxurious. It’s maybe the third or fourth best property I own, gotta be honest, Mar-A-Lago’s better, but this is very nice.”

“As you can see, Donald, I’ve filled the halls with dying trees covered in lamé. And on the walls, I have placed cursed mirrors. They hold the souls of poor children.”

“Great, children, wonderful. Christmas is all about the children, who are currently being molested by Democrats and Hollywood, two groups I was never a part of. Tough Christmas at Matt Lauer’s house because the children now know that daddy is a pervert. If Franken celebrated Christmas, his would be tough, too. I wonder who’s next. Jeff Zucker? Maybe Jeff Zucker pulls out his pecker. I’m gonna call him Jeff Pecker from now on. Another nickname, bing bing bing. Is Rosie O’Donnell a fat lesbian sex pervert? I hear she is, many people say she is, maybe she pulls out her fat lesbian penis, too. People are talking about that, many people, terrible penis on Rosie.

SLOVENIAN WALKING AWAY DISGUSTEDLY NOISE

“All of Hollywood, very unfair to me and also full of child molestors. That’s why you can’t trust that tape, that fake tape. I said it was me just so I could get past it and get to making America great, but it’s not me. Melania knows that wasn’t me. Melania? Where’s my wife, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties? Melania? I’m thinking about making her the new Secretary of State. Melania? Okay, she’s around here, great.

“This tax bill I have coming out is so wonderful, so great. Everybody loves it, believe me. According to this bill, which is so beautiful, no one who voted for me is going to have to pay taxes anymore. No more! We’re gonna get Mexico to pay our taxes. They already told me, I spoke to Mexico, they said they would.

SLEIGH BELL NOISE

“Oh, look. It’s Santa. Santa, where are you? Santa?”

“Right here, Mr. President.”

“Santa? Santa Claus?”

“Right next to you, sir.”

“Santa, there you are, wonderful, beard, great. What a Santa! Not an ethnic Santa. I have brought back Christmas. Obama didn’t love Christmas because it reminded him of America, which he hated and tried to destroy with his crack and rap and bushy hair. Obama didn’t have American hair! Maybe that’s not presidential to say, but someone had to say it. Not American hair. Santa, who is that under that beard?”

“It’s me, Roy Moore.”

“The great Roy Moore, who the lying and failing media have tried to crucify. Just like Jesus! But just like Jesus, Roy is gonna break free from the cross and get elected to the Senate. What a great Senator you’ll be.”

“Why, thank you, Mr. President.”

“I saw you over there with all the children on your lap.”

“Oh, you saw that?”

“Yes, playing Santa. Long line to get up there. Very nice.”

“Oh! Right! Playing Santa, sure. That’s what I was doing.”

“I didn’t see any little boys in the line.”

“Hey, look over there.”

“What? Where? Is it Hillary?”

DISGRACED CHILD MOLESTOR SKULKING OFF NOISE

“Where am I looking? Hillary? Who’s there? Deep State? Globalist? What? Okay, whatever, I’ll look later because I’m the best at looking. Most men my age need glasses, not me. Perfect eyes. I could probably be a great sniper, one of the best ever. I see so well. Okay, now it’s time for a new tradition at the White House: Christmas Calls. One very, very, very lucky young American is going to get a phone call from his favorite president, which is me. Lemme just get out of Twitter and call.”

DIALING NOISE

RINGING NOISE

“It’s ringing.”

RINGING NOISE

“Hello?”

“Hello, this is the best president of America, Donald Trump. Is this Dicky?”

“This is Senator Richard Burr.”

“Dicky! Have you been a good boy this year? Have you dropped the Russia case so Santa will bring you a new toy?”

“You have to be kidding me.”

“Do you want a toy truck, Dicky? Or maybe a corner apartment in Trump Tower? Santa can make both of those things happen, but you have to be a good boy, Dicky. Good boys get past this Russia thing.”

“Seriously?”

“No Russia, no Russia.”

“I’m hanging up the phone.”

“Hey, you could get coal. Especially since I have reopened dozens of new coal plants in the past year. Dozens, everyone’s talking about it, everyone’s back to work who hasn’t been killed by illegal immigrants.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Great, Santa, wonderful, coal. Oh, it’s time for Hannity. Okay, Christmas, great, Trump, Christmas.”

Maggie Haberman Receives A Late-Night Phone Call From Whom You’d Expect

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Just one night of peace. Just one…yeah, what do you want?”

“Hi. We need two pies, one with pepperoni, and an order of cheesy bread.”

“Hi, Don, Jr.”

“Is this Papa John’s?”

“No, it’s Maggie Haberman.”

“That’s the weirdest name for a pizza place.”

“I’m not a pizzeria, Junior. I’m a reporter for the New York Times.

“The lying, failing New York Times?”

“Ohhhh, right. You’re fake news.”

“Sure. Busy day, huh?”

“Everybody’s stupid. No one knows what’s going on. My FRIEND Julian was trying to help my dad make America great, and the media is making, like, this whole thing about it like it’s a federal case.”

“It is literally a federal case, Junior.”

“WHY? I didn’t do anything wrong. Maggie?”

“What?”

“Do you have any pizza at your house you could bring over?”

“No.”

“I’m so hungry.”

“Junior, tell me about your relationship with Julian Assange.”

“Julian Asswich is my friend.”

“Assange.”

“Hasaaaaaan CHOP! Remember that? From the Daffy Duck cartoon? Big Ay-rab guy with a sword. Do you know they throw buildings at homosexuals?”

“Concentrate, Junior.”

“Julie’s awesome.”

“Don’t call him that.”

“We met on Twitter. He’s my tweep.”

“Don’t ever say that word again.”

“And we, like, send each other memes. That guy? That guy memes.”

“Uh-huh. What else?”

“Couch tour.”

“Don’t you bring couch tour into this. Leave couch tour out of it.”

“Okay, so you tell me what the problem is. He sends me a link to a site.”

“Right.”

“A lying, failing fake news site that wants to say fake things about my dad.”

“Sure.”

“And he gives me the password to the admin page. So I log in, right? And it’s one of those sites with the About page where they have little bios for everyone who contributes? So, I changed all their info.”

“To what?”

IDIOTIC LAUGHING NOISE

“I called them all gay.”

“Good one, Junior.”

“Even the ladies!”

“Wow. You’re like Lenny Bruce.”

“I don’t know who that is. Is he a winner?”

“Not really. Listen, Junior: that’s a crime. What you just described is a crime.”

“Calling people gay? I swear that political correctness is killing this country. We need to build a wall.”

“To keep out political correctness?”

“Yes.”

“Uh-huh. The crime is hacking. Hacking is a crime, Junior.”

“Pssh. Hacking’s not a crime. Hacking’s fucking awesome. Besides, I covered my tracks.”

“How so?”

“I switched my browser to incognito mode.”

“Yeah, you covered your tracks.”

“I’m fucking Archer, man.”

“You are. What else did you guys discuss?”

“Chicks. Star Wars. The gym. Chicks.”

“You said chicks twice.”

“That guy fucks. That guy memes, and that guy fucks.”

“Jesus.”

“Oh, and he would give me tips on when he was going to drop some heavy information. Like, a heads-up. And then I’d tell my dad. And, like, my dad looked at me with…I don’t know. I’ve never seen that expression on his face before.”

“Pride?”

“I guess. He didn’t slap me in front of people like he usually does.”

“All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

“Wow. That’s deep. Is that Kanye?”

“No. Junior, you keep getting yourself into deeper and deeper trouble with these Russians.”

“I wasn’t talking to the Russians this time. I was talking to Julian from Wikileaks.”

“I stand by my statement.”

“It’s just all fake news! The Democrats and the Deep State and George Soros and Hillary Clinton are the ones who collude. No collude from me. They have so much collude.”

“Collude.”

“Do you know what collude means?”

“I keep meaning to look it up.”

“Junior, you need a lawyer.”

“My dad’s lawyers said that I didn’t.”

“That’s because they’re setting you up to take the fall.”

“My dad wouldn’t do that. He told me I was his favorite. I mean, he was looking at Ivanka when he said it, but I was in the room.”

“Right. Junior, I’m going to bed. Try not to fuck up any more than you already have.”

“Okay. Forget the pizza. Could you make me a sandwich and bring it by?”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

The Secret Secret Correspondence Between Donald Trump, Jr., And Wikileaks

9/12/16, 10:23 am Congratulate DJT on his speech the other night. Very inspiring, especially the section about locking Hillary Clinton up. I HATE HER! That is one rough-looking lady. Not like DJT’s wife. Congratulate him on that, too.

9/19/16, 8:30 pm You ever watch 2 Broke Girls? Great show. Smoking hotties. The blonde is prettier, but the one with the big tits has such big tits.

10/3/16, 4:11 pm Have a great idea for DJT. He should call her a cunt. DJT’s popularity is based on his ability to “say what everyone is thinking.” What else does everyone think when they look at HRC but “What a cunt?” Maybe the crowd should chant it.

10/3/16 ,4:17 pm A good chant would be “Fuck that cunt! Fuck that cunt!” Very punchy.

10/8/16, 1:09 pm Got something I’d love if you could retweet. www.компьютерныйвирус.com. If you don’t want to retweet it, just click on it.

10/12/16 3:21 am What’s the weather like? I have forgotten what it feels like on my pale skin and creepy hair. Noticed you haven’t gotten back to me. I know you’re busy, but not cool.

10/12/16, 4:11 am Let’s skype so you can watch me pound off.

10/12/16, 4:12 am Meant to send that to someone else. Sorry.

10/17/16, 8:33 pm Another idea for DJT at the debate. Announce that he will grant Assange a pardon and name Assange to the Supreme Court.

10/28/16, 4:11 am Let’s skype so you can watch me pound off. This is for you, Junior.

10.31/16, 10:51 am Hey, my DM’s are all wonky. Did you send me something? I thought you might have. Let me know.

11/8/16, 11:48 pm WE DID IT.

 

What Is TotD Not Reading Today, Part 2,087

Thinkpieces, longreads, call-outs, or exegeses of Taylor Swift’s new album

Lemme guess: is Taylor Swift’s new album about Taylor Swift? And what everyone thinks of Taylor Swift and how they’re wrong (but also a little bit right)? What about the haters? (There are so many haters.) Does Taylor slay the haters? Exactly what role does White Supremacy play in the title track? What does Rob Sheffield think?

Low-level accusations of sexual assault.

I’ll say it, Enthusiasts: we’ve reached Peak Accusation. From here on in, I need a real big name to garner my interest, or someone out of left field. Like, if the boys from Hanson have all been assaulting each other for 30 years, then I will read that story. Don’t bother me with Richard Dreyfuss; I already assumed he was whipping it out constantly.

Essays regarding the Marvel movies as films.

It’s just guys named Chris punching each other. Remember Guardians of the Galaxy 2? The baddie in that one was a living planet, a world that had achieved sentience, and he was defeated when a guy named Chris punched him.

Warnings to the Democrats to stop focusing on “identity politics.”

Let’s play a fun game. Who’s got a dog? Great, you look at your dog while I say “identity politics.” Did he look around? I bet your dog looked around, because “identity politics” is a dog whistle, but a unique one. It informs you of its bias by exclusion, rather than allusion. Identity politics is what blacks do, and gays and Mexicans and all the other various brands of ethnic whatnot. Identity politics is never, though, practiced by whites. Why, even to suggest such a thing gives me the heebies and a touch of jeebies. White is not an identity, nosiree: white is…well, normal. Insistence that politics be tailored to white people isn’t “identity politics,” it’s simple acquiescence to the true way of the world. It’s just common sense.

Here, look at this bullshit:

There’s no denying that a significant source of the energy in the Democratic Party comes from people for whom identity politics are highly salient. But these findings suggest that further sharpening these issues will not gain Democrats much of anything. To the extent that some white voters are alienated by these issues, identity politics may backfire, driving votes away. “Democrats, Cut The Cheer” Washington Post 11/10/17

The racists must be appeased. At all costs, the ire of the Fox News viewer cannot be aroused. It’s fine to be black, I guess, but could you do it a bit more quietly? Straighten out those wrists, sissies. Speak English or die.

Can’t you all be a bit more grateful?

And then there’s this asshole

Since the election, both United and American have set up weekly shuttles from D.C. to Bumfuck, whisking Big Media to diners and bowling alleys and VFW halls to have the same exact conversation with an interchangeable set of characters:

  • Shirley Puckler, 51. Works for the county. At least one family member addicted to opiates. Keeps her Basic Menthols in a knit purse. Likes how Trump speaks his mind, but wishes he’d tweet a little less.
  • Gary Lyons, 62. Retired. Meets his buddies for coffee at the same diner every morning at dawn. That NFL thing is getting to him, and so is the media’s negativity.
  • Jesse Faring, 38. Unemployed. Just comes right out and says “nigger.”

Throw in some local color about how pretty the fucking trees are or something, and you’ve got yourself an article.

The Russian stuff.

This is not out of principle. After two paragraphs full of names like Polonskaya, Kutepova, and Vinogradov, my eyes dry up and suck back into my skull for protection. It’s why I’ve never made it through The Brothers Karamazov.

Odds For Trump’s Asia Trip


The windows are now open at Offtrack Betting on the Dead (OtBotD); all currencies are accepted, and barter-style wagers can be discussed. (If you wanna bet your car, you can bet your car. If you wanna bet a cookbook you masturbated on, then you cannot do that unless it’s a first-edition Escoffier or something where the value of the book outweighs the distaste over the jiz.) Odds posted are liable to change before post time, and all bets are final.

  • References a Vietnam movie while in Vietnam – EVEN MONEY.
  • Godzilla impression – 10 to 1.
  • Mothra impression – 20 to 1.
  • King Ghidorah impression – 100 to 1.
  • Attempts to spell “Seoul;” succeeds – 50 to 1.
  • Attempts to spell “Seoul;” fails – 30 to 1.
  • Lectures foreign leader abut the history of their country – 5 to 2.
  • “Fake news” – 3 to 7.
  • “You people” – EVEN MONEY.
  • Claims that you can find better _____ food in New York City – 5 to 1.
  • That handshake thing – 3 to 1. (You forgot about that fucking handshake thing, didn’t you?)
  • John McCain joke in Hanoi – 2 to 1.
  • Extemporaneous statements in which it is crystal clear he does not know what country he is in – 4 to 1.
  • Jet lag-induced three a.m. tweetstorm consisting entirely of glowering selfies with the caption “I am being Strong for you! Asia!” – 9 to 1.
  • Starts WWIII – 6 to 1.
  • Hand slapped away by Melania – 2 to 1.
  • Embarrasses all of us some more like the goofy-faced dumbfuck that he is – NOT ACCEPTING WAGERS.

Scary Picture

“That’s a wonderful hat. This is not a great skeleton. I gotta be honest. My honesty is why I won the election that the Democrats and George Soros can’t get over. They’re obsessed. But that’s not a great skeleton, like I was saying. Didn’t fool me. I knew you were a kid in a suit right away. Does it glow in the dark? It looks like it glows in the dark.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s classy. Very classy. Melania? Melania–this is Melania, she’s the First Lady, she’s acknowledged as one of the great beauties–did you hear that? It glows in the dark.”

“That’s vunderful, Pička.”

“Pifka. That’s what she calls me. It means ‘Strong Winner.’ Okay, that’s it. Next kid, let’s keep it moving. Bing boo bing.”

CHILD BEING SHUFFLED OFF NOISE

“Spooky ghost, great, ghost.”

“You’re a baseball player, great. Good for you, that’s a costume, okay.”

“Oh, look, an illegal immigrant.”

“I’m Dora the Explorer, Mr. President.”

“You are the scariest one yet. Illegal immigrant, very scary, okay, next.”

“Pinche cabron.”

“Yes, great. That means “Strong Winner,” too. The strongest, best, great. Next kid, c’mon.”

“I know you. You’re a Star Wars. I have seen Star Wars, well, let’s just say that probably no one has seen Star Wars as much as me. In the world. George Lucas, very successful man with an impressive company. Lot of growth. He has a beard. Everyone knows that. I’ve never had a beard, but I could have a beautiful one in a very short amount of time. Which Star Wars are you, young man?”

“I’m Finn, sir.”

“Finn, great, that’s a name, beautiful. Okay, take your helmet off so we can get a picture.”

STORMTROOPER HELMET REMOVING NOISE

“Jesus! Secret Service!”

“It is just a black kid, Pička.”

“Kid, yes, okay, black kid. You should have warned me, kid. No one likes a surprise black. One of the very worst kind of blacks. Took off your helmet and boom. Okay, great, Star Wars. Next. Very nice, a suit and tie. Powerful hair. I like this costume, kid. Are you me?”

“I’m Paul Manafort, Mr. President.”

“I have no idea who that is. Maybe I met him. Maybe. I meet, in just a normal day, hundreds and hundreds of people. Bing bang bing. All day. I would remember that, because I have one of the best memories in the world. Phone numbers from childhood, everything. I remember everything and I don’t think I remember him. If you say he worked for my winning campaign, then I’d have to check that out and get back to you next week. Maybe next week. But I don’t know who Paul Manafort is, I think. I know he was working for the disgraceful Podesta brothers, who are criminals and also I heard child molestors. I know that about him, but I don’t know who he is. No Russia, no Russia.”

“He was your campaign manager, sir.”

“Really, I was my own campaign manager. No one knows Donald Trump like Donald Trump, so I was really the campaign manager. There were always people around the office, unpaid people, but I did everything. Steve Bannon came in for a while and consulted, but it was me. Okay, next kid.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ooh, another spooky ghost. Not as spooky as the last ghost. I know it’s not presidential, but I have to say it: that last ghost was much, much, much more spooky than you.”

“Okay.”

“Hillary Clinton, who isn’t president and I am, sold most of America’s uranium to Russia. Some people say most. She did this all by herself. Probably used her corrupt e-mail account. Russia has all of our uranium now, spooky ghost.”

“Why don’t we want them to have it?”

“We do. Russia is a very strong nation, longtime partner of the United States. We were allies in World War II, which many people don’t know. There are many bonds between the American and Russian people, who have a leader who is so marvelous. Everybody loves him, Vladimir Putin, everybody is talking about him, keeps winning elections, a strong leader for a strong nation. They can have anything they want.”

“So why was it wrong for Hillary Clinton to sell it?”

“Because she belongs in jail. She’s a disgusting woman and she should be in jail, so it was wrong of her to sell the uranium, which she did all by herself.”

“It was okay for Russia to buy the uranium?”

“Sure, great, our friends, right.”

“But it was wrong of Hillary to sell the uranium?”

“Exactly.”

“You’re a fucking kookoo bird, you know that?”

SPOOKY GHOST BEING WHISKED AWAY NOISE

“That went well. I won that. I’m Strong Winner. This is the worst Halloween in the history of Halloweens. Maybe ever.”

The Daily Recounting 10/30/17

The first shoe dropped today, but we’re waiting for more than one other one, as the shoes are worn by the centipede of justice.

That was the worst sentence I’ve ever heard.

Shh, you. Enthusiasts, today was Jailoween in Washington. The arrests have started, and more excitingly, the flipping has begun. Most likely, there has already been a wire worn into meetings with high-level officials. As always, I beg of you to get your information from sources that are not me. I’m not that smart, and I think it’s funny to lie. Go read the paper.

But, I would like to point out some of the more piquant details of the day in no particular fashion:

  • Among the players are characters such  as “The Professor” and “Putin’s niece.”
  • That second one isn’t a euphemism: a Russian spy told someone who works as a foreign policy advisor to the President of the United States that she was Vladimir Putin’s niece, and he said, “Wow, cool.”
  • One might assume that foreign policy advisors have the ability to verify that sort of information.
  • Of course, one might assume that foreign policy advisors wouldn’t use Facebook to set up secret meetings with Russians, but here we are.
  • We speak of George Papadopoulos, who has a comedically ethnic name, and is not intelligent.
  • Remember the thing about Facebook, and the treason suggested thereupon?
  • Well, after Big Papa lied to the FBI, he went home and deleted his account.
  • That’ll do it.
  • The password to the email account Paul Manafort used to launder money and betray his country was probably Bond007.
  • Seriously.
  • And he wears very fancy clothes, $1.3 million in six years’ worth, but still manages to look like a Chazz Palmentieri impersonator.
  • John Kelly, whom dipshits and fantasists hailed as a moderating influence, defended the Confederacy on teevee.
  • A judge granted a preliminary injunction against Turnip’s military band on transgendered folks.
  • A preliminary injunction isn’t a decision, it comes first; hence the “preliminary.”
  • And it stops behavior, hence the “injunction.”
  • For legal terms, it’s actually rather transparent.
  • You get a preliminary injunction when the court is almost positive that you’re going to win your case; the District Judge in D.C. found that the ban likely violates the troops’ Fifth Amendment rights.
  • Now, the government could provide an excellent argument as to why the ban was Constitutional and the case could be decided for them, but until then: gotta let ’em in.
  • You know what would be fun?
  • Ask Shitface to explain a temporary injunction.
  • “Short-lived. People don’t know this, but it’s right in the name. Not permanent. Just a little injunction.”
  • And so on.

Slime’s Arrow

Enthusiasts, if the words Martin Amis goes to a Trump rally in Ohio don’t fill your heart with glee, then I severely misjudged you. Go read.

President Trump Makes Condolence Calls To Gold Star Families

“Great, okay, spectacular. General, that was the best Fox & Friends I’ve seen since yesterday. No fake news! They’re the best. How is the rest of the lying media allowed to not report on Hillary Clinton selling Uranus to Russia?”

“Uranium, sir.”

“I knew that. Uranium comes from Uranus. That’s where they mine it. I have many friends in the Uranium mining business, they were big supporters of mine, very early supporters. How long until lunch?”

“It’s ten a.m., sir.”

“I’m thinking KFC, General. I want you to join me for chicken.”

“My doctor wants me to watch my sodium, sir.”

“I have the best sodium. Don’t worry about the sodium. The chicken’s salty, but I’ll get you a Diet Coke to wash it down.”

“That’s not how sodium works, sir.”

“Have you tried the Double Down? This was my idea, the Double Down. I called up Colonel Sanders, who is a dear friend. Member of several of my beautiful clubs, played golf with the Colonel many, many times. I say, ‘Colonel, what about a grilled cheese sandwich but the bread is fried chicken?’ And he’s done very, very well with that product. Calls to thank me all the time. Delicious sandwich. Double Down, General?”

“It’s ten a.m., sir.”

“I knew that. Okay, well, lunch is forever away so let’s get to work. I’m gonna call all these Goldstein families.”

“Gold Star, sir.”

“Even if the soldier was Jewish?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Our military is so beautiful, General. Much better than the Congress, which is disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves. Can I use the military on Congress?”

“Let me look into that and get back to you, sir.”

“Good, good, wonderful. Okay, let’s make some calls. Watch how much better I do this than Obama, who didn’t even call because he hated the troops and America. Most racist president we’ve ever had. These egghead historians think that the presidents who owned slaves were more racist, but you don’t have to be racist to own slaves. They were businessmen. Obama was far more racist. Who’s the first call?”

“Mr. President, don’t you want to study the biography of the soldier before you–”

“Nope! Gonna wing it. I’ll knock it out of the park. I’m gonna go bing bing bing and get through this and all the widows will say very nice things about me. First!”

“First is a Marine named Dontavious Watts.”

“Eh.”

“Sir?”

“Maybe he gets a letter. Send a letter. Have the Miller kid write it. He sounds like he gets a letter.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Next?”

“A Special Forces soldier named Rafael Ochoa.”

“Letter.”

“Army Captain named Michael Wilkinson.”

“Get the widow on the phone. Wait. How do you spell ‘Michael?'”

“The way you want it to be spelled, sir.”

“Great, good, wonderful. Get the widow on the phone.”

OVAL OFFICE PHONE DIALING NOISE

“Hello? Is this the Widow Wilkinson? This is Donald Trump, I’m the president. Wow, big day for you. Talking to the president, huh. Not a lot of people get to do that. You’re very lucky.”

“Oh, you’re at the funeral now?”

“Graveside?”

“Well, just step away for a minute so you can talk to me. There’s noise in the background and I can’t hear you. This is a very important phone call for both of us, but more for you.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Hello? Widow? Hello? Widow? General?”

“Here, sir.”

“General? Where’s my General?”

“Look slightly to your left, sir.”

“General? General? Oh, there you are. That call went so beautifully. No one gives me credit for how I connect to people, but I think the Widow Whatshername will remember that call for a very, very long time. Just beautiful. Who’s next?”

“You sure you don’t want to take a teevee break?”

“No, I’m in the groove. Ten out of ten. That’s how I’m doing, and many people would agree. Ten out of ten. Next!”

“Next is Edward Barbado. He was caught up in an ambush in Afghan–”

“I got it, I got it. Ed is dead. I got it.”

“You’re going to be talking to his mother, sir.”

“Mother, sure, right.”

OVAL OFFICE DIALING NOISE

“No answer. I’ll leave a message.”

“Sir, please do not leave a message.”

“I leave the best…Hello, Mrs. Barbarino. This is Donald Trump. Calling about your son. Very sad. Things like this should never happen, but they do. I have been informed that the plans for the mission he was on when he was shot were drawn up by Obama. Basically, Obama killed your son. Okay, call me back. I’m gonna send you some steaks. Do you like steaks? A big package, I’ll send it out to you. You’re gonna rave about these steaks. Okay.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Perfect. That was perfect. I knew I was going to leave a great message, but even I was surprised by how well it turned out. Just perfect.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Should we release the tape of me consoling her so well?”

“No, sir. We really don’t want to do that.”

“I want everyone to see how much better I am at this than all the other presidents. I got it. Bing bing bing.”

“Sir, please don’t–”

“I’m gonna tweet out my condolences to the mother.”

“–tweet out…sir, no.”

TWITTER APP ON A COMPLETELY UNSECURED PHONE OPENING NOISE

“Maybe we should work on a draft before you–”

Mother Barbarian! Your boy did not die in vein! Brave! And I hit send and…”

TWEET SENDING NOISE

“Bing bing bing.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I want lunch now.”

“You’ve earned it, sir.”

Older posts
%d bloggers like this: