Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donald trump (page 1 of 17)

A Partial Transcript Of Donald Trump’s Remarks From Cedar Rapids, IA – 6/21/17

“Yes, great, we’re great. Look at us all here, wonderful, the best. Love being in Iowa. My favorite state, great state. I won Iowa. Great, great state. Best wrestlers in the world. I did some wrestling. Took down Vince McMahon. Gave him the suplex, duplex, shmuplex, whatever. Champion of wrestling.”

PROTESTING SOUND

“See? See? This is the violence of the left and the Deep State. They’re very violent people, so it’s okay to hit them. Attack the violent people. Great, really great. All of those so-called protestors, who are being paid by James Comey, were probably about to go shoot a Congressman. Stan Scalia, great guy, great. Went by the hospital to see him. Sat in on one of the surgeries. Many of the nurses told me that he was only alive because of my visit.

“Otto Whatever isn’t doing as well. Dead. Very nasty business. He was so beuatiful, a beautiful young man with blond hair, and Kim over there killed him. Bad guy, that Kim guy over there. China won’t deal with him, so I will. We’re gonna deal with Kim and Korea and we’re gonna have the most phenomenal deal. No more dead kids. Why did Obama ask Kim to kill Otto Whatever? Maybe Robert Mueller should look into that.

“Democrats can’t win fair, so they cheat. Since my great, wonderful election victory, there have been 25 or 40 special elections, and we’ve won them all. Most of that was me, but the candidates are great, too. Karen Handel, great. Not a looker, but a smart cookie. We’d be doing even better if we started running babes.

“When I came down that escalator in Trump Tower, do you remember that? When we started this wonderful journey before the lying, failing media began to attack me so viciously? It was the best, very famous, me and Melania, who is regarded as one of the world’s greatest beauties and almost gotten all the black-person smell out of the White House. Very famous escalator ride. Longest escalator in the word, whole world. First time Mike Pence saw it, he got scared. Cried, started praying, whole deal. He’s from some hick state, they don’t have escalators.

“They said Paris was binding, but I unbinded us. Now we’re free, and we’re going to open up so many coal mines. What made America great was her coal mines, and that’s what we’re gonna bring back. Maybe I’ll send Nancy Pelosi to work in one. President is allowed to do that, absolutely.

“I got the best team. Wilbur Ross. You’re on Wall Street, you don’t even need his last name. Just Wilbur. Huge money guy, and he’s gonna work for you. Gary Cohn. That’s a real Jewish name, best name for money. He took a pay cut of $800 million to work for you. Out of patriotism! The Democrats are obstructing me and wiretpping the Oval Office, but I’m getting you the best guys. Neil Gorsuch. He said to me, ‘Mr. President, I’m gonna use the Supreme Court to build America’s military.’ Isn’t that great?

“Crooked Hillary wants to take away your children and your healthcare and your motorcycles. All they got is witch hunts. Fake witch hunts. I’m gonna let ICE poke illegal aliens’ eyes out. These brave, beautiful men who deport so many criminals are so wonderful. Why don’t we build the wall out of the illegal aliens? As a warning? MS-13 is coming here, and they are worse than ISIS. Not as bad as Hillary Clinton, but very bad.

“You all know Charles Schumer? I call him Charles Jew-mer. Not in front of Jared, but I do. Jew-mer. You like that? Great.

“Jobs are booming. Jobs are doing phenomenally, so many jobs, and American jobs for Americans. Even blacks, that’s how many jobs there are. We are rebuilding America that Barack Hussein set on fire. The most racist president in our country’s history, many historians I follow on Twitter say that. Hated whites, even though he was half-white. I guess that’s the half that went to college. Right? You like that? I love you, Iowa.

“You are the special people. So special. We’re straightening up the mess left by years of weakness. Healthcare is fixed. Afghanistan is over, done, we won. Everyone has a job mining coal and there’s no Russia. No Russia.

“Okay, I gotta go.”

The Worst Witch Hunt In The History Of America

INT. PRESS ROOM – SALEM, MA

“Good morrow to thou all, except for Chastity Haberman. Fuck you, Chastity.”

“Very nice, Brother Spicer.”

“I have a prepared statement that I have been forced to read before I take your questions.

“Ahem.

“No witchcraft. No witchcraft. Pastor Comey, who speaks with a forked tongue, told me that I wasn’t a witch on three occasions while we were plowing. I plow the straightest lines you’ve ever seen, the best plowing.

“Why is Myles Standish not being investigated for his collusion with Radical Wampanoag Terrorists? How has Reverend Dimsdale not been placed in the stocks?

“No witchcraft.”

“Ahem.

“Before I take questions, let us pray to our ridiculously angry God.”

“Amen. Brother Tapper?”

“Brother Spicer, Elder Trump has stated that he is not a witch.”

“No, sir. Not ‘stated.’ He has pointed out the fact.”

“Even though there’s a lot of smoke.”

“Such as?”

“Well, the actual smoke for one thing. It’s purple and it dances in an unholy fashion. Follows him around everywhere.”

“Localized weather anomaly. Brother Thrush?”

“What about the broom?”

“Which broom?”

“The one he uses to fly.”

“Elder Trump is a clean freak. Loves to keep tidy. Sister Ryan?”

“If Elder Trump isn’t a witch, then why is his skin that color?”

“Orange?”

“Green.”

“Bad sushi.”

“It’s 1691, Brother Spicer. No sushi.”

“No witchcraft, either. Brother Acosta?”

“Brother Spicer, don’t you see anything suspicious in Elder Trump’s behavior?”

“Absolutely not. Very un-witchy. Non-witcherous.”

“Uh-huh. What about ending Pastor Comey’s investigation into him?”

“Elder Trump was within his legal authority to do end the investigation.”

“By turning Pastor Comey into a frog?”

“Thy press covfefe is over!”

GOP Talking Points, The First Draft

Enthusiasts, all leaks flow to Fillmore South. I hear all; you know this. From next week’s specials at Terrapin Crossroads (halibutloaf) to next week’s Dead & Company tempos (slow), TotD has his ear to the grindstone, or maybe there’s fingers in my pie; however those metaphors go.

My point: I know many things, and just like a Russian ambassador in the Oval Office, you’re about to get all the information. There was a first draft of these internal talking points handed out by the GOP this afternoon, and one of my sources in DC sent it to me. I can’t reveal his name, but I will say he is incredibly high-ranking. I’ll refer to him from now on as Deep Althea.

With his help, I can now reveal this explosive document:

First Draft of the GOP’s Talking Points on the Washington Post Story.

Top Takeaways

  • There is no case for obstruction of justice.
  • Donald Trump is the best predisent ever.
  • Everything’s fine.
  • Why will no one discuss the fact that Loretta Lynch is the devil?
  • Everyone else is actually the criminal.

There Is No Case For Obstruction Of Justice

  • James Comey, who is a liar, said so numerous times under oath.
  • Most if not all legal analysts on Fox News agree that there is no case for obstruction.
  • How can justice be obstructed when the investigation continued after James Comey was fired? If Predisent Trump intended to obstruct justice with Comey’s removal, then he failed at it. This makes it not a crime. Attempted murder isn’t a crime, so why should attempted obstruction of justice be?
  • Again: James Comey said so.
  • No one informed the predisent that he shouldn’t obstruct justice.

Everyone Else Is Actually The Criminal, Or Perhaps In The Deep State

  • Every decent American should be appalled at the shocking amount of leaks coming from literally every pocket of the government constantly with the force of Niagara Falls, and not spend one second thinking about why there are so many leaks.
  • Last night at Bennigan’s, James Comey leaked his order to a waitress. How can he be trusted?
  • If these leakers had anything to say, they wouldn’t be saying anything.
  • These leaks are flabbergasting.
  • Flabbergasting!

If There Was Obstruction, Then There Can’t Be Collusion

  • Can’t be both. Checkmate, libtards.

Donald Trump Is Not Just The Greatest American Predisent That America Has Ever Had, But The Greatest American Predisent That Any Country Has Ever Had

  • Since Predisent Trump is the most patriotic man in America, any act performed by him most therefore be a patriotic one; ipso facto, any obstruction or collusion was good for the country.
  • The infrastructure, healthcare, budget, and tax bills are great, and will be ready in about two weeks.
  • In a recent cabinet meeting, Predisent Trump was praised by all in attendance.

Loretta Lynch Is The Motherfucking Devil And Behind Everything And The Worst Criminal This Country Has Seen Since Al Capone

  • This “woman” met Bill Clinton on a plane. A plane! Probably fucked her. Whore.
  • She is also a black, who worked for a black.

Conclusion

  • James Comey briefly stopped lying to exonerate the entire campaign and administration of all crimes.
  • No Russia, no Russia.
  • Leakers should be executed.
  • This is normal.

 

Trumped-Up Stephen King

The Shining Cooped up in an isolated and most likely haunted house, an angry and mediocre man goes insane while getting nothing done. When the cable goes out, he murders Reince Preibus and freezes to death in the walk-in where they keep his chocolate ice cream.

Cujo But starring Marla Maples and Tiffany; the dog ends up with mixed emotions about the two, but still eats them both. The car is a Tesla now.

Carrie An emotional, temperamental child is given a power she cannot control, and ends up killing everyone when they make fun of her.

(Holy shit. We’re in Carrie. We’re not in 1984 or It Can’t Happen Here or any of the other cautionary tales. We’re in Carrie, and he’s Carrie. I would have preferred not to have made this connection. No one throw pig’s blood on Donald Trump.)

The Tommyknockers A burly man holds Trump down and tommyknocks the shit out of him for 600 pages. Then there’s a giant spider at the end.

The Green Mile Innocent black man gets executed. Steve Bannon called it the feel-good film of the year.

It We all covfefe down here.

Really?

I had to.

Just terrible.

A Partial Transcript Of Today’s Cabinet Meeting

“Why do I believe in God? And, of course, by ‘God’ I mean White Jesus. I believe in God because He has granted me the opportunity to advance President Trump’s agenda.”

“Nice, yes, religion, wonderful. Thank you, Ranch.”

“Reince.”

“Didn’t I fire you?”

“Not yet, sir.”

“I’ll get to it. Next. Rick Perry. Where’s Rick? Rick?”

“Here, sir. I love you. I’ll say it, and if people wanna talk, then let ’em. I love you, you manly sumbitch. I’d accept you within myself. You get what I’m sayin’ here? I love you for three reasons: you’re so smart, and you’re so tall, and…and…”

“COUGH COUGH BIG HANDS COUGH!”

“Right, yeah. Thanks, Ranch.”

“Reince.”

“You got some fuckin’ paws on you, Mister President.”

“Yes, terrific, hands, okay. Next, who’s next? Chinese lady, what’s your name?”

“Elaine Chao, sir.”

“Hit it.”

“The ‘J’ in ‘Donald J. Trump’ stands for ‘Jesus.'”

“Beautiful. Short and sweet. Usually, you people are sweet and sour. Great. Where’s the Mad Dog? Mad Dog?”

“I prefer to be called General Mattis, sir. I’d rather you call me Jim, even.”

“General Mad Dog! Say something wonderful about how wonderful I am.”

“It is an honor to serve my country and lead the men and women of the United States Armed Forces. They are the finest warriors in the world, and nothing is more sacred to me than doing my duty to them.”

“You gonna say my name?’

“Trump.”

“That’s better, much better. General, you wanna kick Ranch in the neck?”

“Reince. And: what?”

“Ranch, bend over so the General can kick you in the neck.”

“I’m actually not going to do that, Mr. President.”

“You just give me the high sign. I’ll make him bend over for you. Screw it: Ranch, get down on all fours and bark like a dog.”

REINCE PREIBUS SECRET BUTTON-PUSHING SOUND

NAVY STEWARD ENTERING WITH TWO SCOOPS OF CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SOUND

“Ooh, ice cream. Many people have compared Melania to Dolly Madison, With better tits, though. Mike?”

“Here, sir.”

“Mike?”

“Right here.”

“Where’s Mike? My vice-president, I picked him so well. Mike?”

“I’m sitting next to you, sir.”

“Mike?”

“I’m here, sir.”

“Oh, there you are. You’re very easy to overlook. Okay, hit it.”

“President Trump, your courage, acumen, and bold leadership are truly making America great again.”

“True.”

“I just wish Robert Mueller agreed with me.”

“What!?”

“Some of the things he said about you were just cruel, sir. Vicious, even.”

“Like what?”

“Terrible things about your family, sir.”

“Fuck them, what about me?”

“Called you a millionaire.”

“That’s it!”

FATASS WADDLING OUT OF A ROOM HE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN LET INTO IN THE FIRST PLACE SOUND

MIKE PENCE SMILING SOUND.

More Plays Misinterpreted By Trump Supporters

King Lear Paranoid maniac with scheming children.

Annie Rich guy goes bald with dignity.

Driving Miss Daisy Blacks, Jews.

Rhinoceros Wouldn’t understand it, and would assume the play was mocking him.

Uncle Vanya No Russia, no Russia.

Rent Homos.

James Comey’s Opening Remarks, Translated

Thank you for inviting me to appear before you today. I was asked to testify today to describe for you my interactions with President-Elect and President Trump on subjects that I understand are of interest to you. I have not included every detail from my conversations with the President, but, to the best of my recollection, I have tried to include information that may be relevant to the Committee.

Y’all bitches strapped in? This is gonna get weird.

The IC leadership thought it important, for a variety of reasons, to alert the incoming President to the existence of this material, even though it was salacious and unverified.

TAP TAP

Testing, testing. This mic working? Check for sibilance. Sibilance.

TAP TAP

Ahem.

Pee-pee parties.

The Director of National Intelligence asked that I personally do this portion of the briefing because I was staying in my position and because the material implicated the FBI’s counter-intelligence responsibilities.

As everyone saw yesterday, Director of National Intelligence Daniel Coats is a giant pussy, and he didn’t want to tell Trump that we all knew about the pee-pee parties. Seriously: giant pussy, and smells like milk.

We also agreed I would do it alone to minimize potential embarrassment to the President-Elect.

Every one of my former colleagues can suck on my hairy nuts for making me do that, by the way.

It is important to understand that FBI counter-intelligence investigations are different than the more-commonly known criminal investigative work. The Bureau’s goal in a counter-intelligence investigation is to understand the technical and human methods that hostile foreign powers are using to influence the United States or to steal our secrets. The FBI uses that understanding to disrupt those efforts. Sometimes disruption takes the form of alerting a person who is targeted for recruitment or influence by the foreign power. Sometimes it involves hardening a computer system that is being attacked. Sometimes it involves “turning” the recruited person into a double-agent, or publicly calling out the behavior with sanctions or expulsions of embassy-based intelligence officers. On occasion, criminal prosecution is used to disrupt intelligence activities.

As you are in the United States Congress, I’m going to assume at least half of you couldn’t spell “dog” if you had your assistant do it for you, and I will spell out the basics of my job in simple and direct sentences containing the smallest words possible. My hand to God: I thought about making visual aids for you cretins.

In that context, prior to the January 6 meeting, I discussed with the FBI’s leadership team whether I should be prepared to assure President-Elect Trump that we were not investigating him personally. That was true; we did not have an open counter-intelligence case on him.

Did you hear that? Sean Hannity just got a hard-on. Regardless of how precisely I worded this to indicate that at the time there was no personal case, this will be the only thing that all of the worst people on Twitter hear.

I felt compelled to document my first conversation with the President-Elect in a memo. To ensure accuracy, I began to type it on a laptop in an FBI vehicle outside Trump Tower the moment I walked out of the meeting. Creating written records immediately after one-on-one conversations with Mr. Trump was my practice from that point forward. This had not been my practice in the past. I spoke alone with President Obama twice in person (and never on the phone) — once in 2015 to discuss law enforcement policy issues and a second time, briefly, for him to say goodbye in late 2016. In neither of those circumstances did I memorialize the discussions. I can recall nine one-on-one conversations with President Trump in four months — three in person and six on the phone.

Shit’s fucked up, yo. Normalizing has become weaponized.

The President and I had dinner on Friday, January 27 at 6:30 pm in the Green Room at the White House. He had called me at lunchtime that day and invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my whole family, but decided to have just me this time, with the whole family coming the next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner, although I assumed there would be others.

I didn’t need to include the thing about my family, but I chose to because of how odd it was.

It turned out to be just the two of us, seated at a small oval table in the center of the Green Room. Two Navy stewards waited on us, only entering the room to serve food and drinks.

Not to pat myself on the back, but I painted a fucking word picture there. I’m killing this shit.

I replied that I loved my work and intended to stay and serve out my ten-year term as Director. And then, because the set-up made me uneasy, I added that I was not “reliable” in the way politicians use that word, but he could always count on me to tell him the truth. I added that I was not on anybody’s side politically and could not be counted on in the traditional political sense, a stance I said was in his best interest as the President.

It was halfway through the sentence in which I explained basic civics to the man entrusted with the nuclear codes when the floor became a mouth, spittle-filled and lashing tongue and made of teeth so many teeth there was a roar I do not think came from me but I did not know where I ended and the mouth began there were teeth so many teeth.

A few moments later, the President said, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” I didn’t move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed.

Much like a Tyrannosaur, the president’s vision works off movement. After ten seconds of stillness, the president no longer sensed me. He went back to his food, concentrating on his peas, which he pushed with his fingers onto his fork.

We simply looked at each other in silence.

Have you read Sartre? It was like that.

The conversation then moved on, but he returned to the subject near the end of our dinner.

Things the president talked about: his election victory, and how it was the greatest in American history; various successes; celebrities he wanted to have sex with; the snazziness of the Navy stewards’ uniforms; golf; one of his children. He also offered to take me on a White House tour four times.

At one point, the president asked me if he was allowed to order the CIA to assassinate Alec Baldwin. I initially assumed this ridiculous request to be a joke, but the president pushed the issue until I was forced to not move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way. He became confused and then changed the subject to how poorly Mika Brzezinski was aging.

At one point, I explained why it was so important that the FBI and the Department of Justice be independent of the White House. I said it was a paradox: Throughout history, some Presidents have decided that because “problems” come from Justice, they should try to hold the Department close. But blurring those boundaries ultimately makes the problems worse by undermining public trust in the institutions and their work.

Then I had to explain what a paradox was. Swear to fucking Christ.

Near the end of our dinner, the President returned to the subject of my job, saying he was very glad I wanted to stay, adding that he had heard great things about me from Jim Mattis, Jeff Sessions, and many others. He then said, “I need loyalty.” I replied, “You will always get honesty from me.” He paused and then said, “That’s what I want, honest loyalty.” I paused, and then said, “You will get that from me.” As I wrote in the memo I created immediately after the dinner, it is possible we understood the phrase “honest loyalty” differently, but I decided it wouldn’t be productive to push it further. The term — honest loyalty — had helped end a very awkward conversation and my explanations had made clear what he should expect.

Senators, I sincerely believe that I could have said any word instead of “honest” and the president would have just jammed it in front of “loyalty” and repeated it.

“I need loyalty.”

You will always get serendipity from me.

“That’s what I want, serendipitous loyalty.”

During the dinner, the President returned to the salacious material I had briefed him about on January 6, and, as he had done previously, expressed his disgust for the allegations and strongly denied them. He said he was considering ordering me to investigate the alleged incident to prove it didn’t happen.

The Commander-in-Chief of the greatest military force in the history of mankind doesn’t know you can’t prove a negative. He had a little bit of gravy on his lip, and he asked me to prove a negative.

I studied the faces of the Navy stewards to make sure neither of them was Allen Funt.

The President signaled the end of the briefing by thanking the group and telling them all that he wanted to speak to me alone. I stayed in my chair. As the participants started to leave the Oval Office, the Attorney General lingered by my chair, but the President thanked him and said he wanted to speak only with me. The last person to leave was Jared Kushner, who also stood by my chair and exchanged pleasantries with me. The President then excused him, saying he wanted to speak with me.

I felt like the pretty blonde who makes it to the end of horror movies. Also, Jared Kushner has breath like a dung beetle.

When the door by the grandfather clock closed, and we were alone, the President began by saying, “I want to talk about Mike Flynn.” Flynn had resigned the previous day.

That’s some fucking writing. You hear that, Rubio, you thirsty little shit? Got my eyes on you, Rubio. Crush you with my giant hands, fucker.

He added that he had other concerns about Flynn, which he did not then specify.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE? Besides the fucking treason, I mean. This might have been the most shocked I was during this whole escapade, but because I am a professional, I did not move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way.

The President then made a long series of comments about the problem with leaks of classified information — a concern I shared and still share. After he had spoken for a few minutes about leaks, Reince Priebus leaned in through the door by the grandfather clock and I could see a group of people waiting behind him. The President waved at him to close the door, saying he would be done shortly. The door closed.

You see how I’m using the clock to reference the theme of time running out? And how I always mention that it’s a grandfather clock so that you’ll think of the sound it makes? Tick-tock, motherfuckers.

I took the opportunity to implore the Attorney General to prevent any future direct communication between the President and me. I told the AG that what had just happened — him being asked to leave while the FBI Director, who reports to the AG, remained behind — was inappropriate and should never happen. He did not reply.

He actually did reply: ten minutes on why the Puerto Rican race was inferior to the Cuban race, but both were superior to–and I am quoting–“the Illegal race.”

On the morning of March 30, the President called me at the FBI. He described the Russia investigation as “a cloud” that was impairing his ability to act on behalf of the country. He said he had nothing to do with Russia, had not been involved with hookers in Russia, and had always assumed he was being recorded when in Russia.

I’m sure he’s telling the truth about the hookers. Sure, literally every time he denies something, it turns out to be true, but I’ll trust him on this one. No hookers.

Then the President asked why there had been a congressional hearing about Russia the previous week — at which I had, as the Department of Justice directed, confirmed the investigation into possible coordination between Russia and the Trump campaign. I explained the demands from the leadership of both parties in Congress for more information, and that Senator Grassley had even held up the confirmation of the Deputy Attorney General until we briefed him in detail on the investigation.

If you’re counting, this is the third time I’ve had to explain how the government works to the president.

He said he would do that and added, “Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that thing you know.” I did not reply or ask him what he meant by “that thing.”

Even though it was a phone call, I did not move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way.

That was the last time I spoke with President Trump.

Thank you, good night, allahu akbar.

Donald Trump Is A Teenaged Girl

  • Spends all day on Twitter picking fights with people and misspelling things.
  • Covered in makeup.
  • Obsessed with his hair.
  • Has a new best friend/worst enemy every week.
  • Unfamiliar with the basic tenets of international diplomacy.
  • Loves the sound of his own name.
  • Tends to overuse superlatives.
  • Capable of paying–at best–partial attention to the other person speaking during a conversation.
  • Unrefined palate.
  • Will only read if threatened.
  • Terrible, but constant, liar.
  • Utterly unqualified to be the President of the United States.

Extreme Vetting: Privatized FAA Edition

“Good morning, sir. My name is Agent Orange. How can I help you today?”

“I need to buy plane tickets.”

“Wonderful. Your Social Security number is 119-21-9355?”

“What? How did you know that?”

“Since Amazon bought the FAA, we’ve gone to a one-click method. Also, I just charged your Visa card ten dollars for looking up your Social Security number. Now: where will you be going?’

“Dubai.”

“Wonderful. I’m gonna flag you in the system as ‘possible terrorist’ and that’s another ten-dollar fee. Is it just you?”

“Two.”

“Okay. Would you like to purchase the Basic, Premium, or All-Inclusive Air Traffic Control package?”

“I don’t understand.”

“With the All-Inclusive, an experienced air traffic controller will follow your flight for its entire length and make sure you don’t try to land on a runway that another jet is taking off from. Premium is also for the entire flight, but an intern does it.”

“And the Basic?”

“Siri does it.”

“The idiot woman who lives in my phone?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Let’s go with Premium.”

“Wonderful. On to aircraft inspection. Would you like the aircraft to be inspected?”

“Oh, God, yes.”

“That’s two hundred. For an additional hundred, we can check if the pilots are drunk before takeoff.”

“And if I don’t pay it?”

“We’ll get the pilots drunk before takeoff.”

“Sure.”

“Wonderful. I’m going add another hundred-dollar charge, sir.”

“Why?”

“Fuck you, that’s why.”

“Whatever happened to the friendly skies?”

“Oh, the skies are still friendly. It’s the people who suck.”

Donald Trump’s Statement From The Rose Garden, 6/1/17

“Yes, great, okay. The best. Mike Pence is here, clap for him. What a great decision I made with that guy. Best vice-president ever, everyone’s saying. Top of all the lists. Whole country loves him. Not as much as me, but there’s love. Mike’s doesn’t have a great face, so it’s tough to love him. Looks like a mean little hick, but a great man.

“I would like to start by talking about the tragedy that just occurred in Manila. Terror. So much terror in the world, and a lot of people are noticing all the terror. Papers won’t report this because they’re fake news, but it was a terrorist attack. They told me in my intel briefing, supposed to be a secret. I know the best secrets.

“Before I announce my great announcement, let me tell you how great America is doing. Stock market is through the roof, never seen a stock market like this. Huge market. I got calls from many people thanking me for making them rich. Richer. Whatever. Market added $3 billion this week. Maybe four, could be four. Let’s say five. $5 billion dollars! You’re welcome. Everyone in America has a job now and is very, very successful, believe me.

“Best trip ever. Arabs, Jews. Bunch of homos and uggos in Europe. Horrible place, and everyone is raped by a refugee at lunch. I told them! No more laughing, because they were laughing at us, and now they’re not. Angela Merkel, who is even worse looking than Hillary Clinton, gave a speech yesterday and she called me the greatest president in the history of America. I saw the speech, she said that.

“And now they’re making big, big, big contributions in Europe, and also the Jews and the Arabs. Did I bring peace? We’ll have to see, but many, many people are telling me that I brought peace to the Middle East and also Israel. No one thought it was possible. Always people doubt, but everyone is wrong except for me and also there’s no Russia.

“Therefore, in order to protect America and make it so, so great, I have decided to…I have decided to…Mike! C’mon, I told you to do a drum roll!”

“Just do the goddamned drum roll, will ya, Mike? I can fire a vice-president.”

“Stop crying. Jesus. Okay, whatever: we’re out of the Paris whatever!”

SYCOPHANTIC APPLAUSE OF THE DAMNED

“Thank you, yes, all right. You’re welcome. I did a great job, yes.

“So, what we’re gonna do is get a new negotiation. Bad deal! Why does Paris get to tell me what to do with my coal mine? Coal is what made America great before, and it can do it again. We can sit down, get a better deal. Or maybe not. Who knows? If it happens, it happens.

“The American worker is the greatest worker in the world. I love the American worker. Beautiful and strong, very strong. I have read many, many reports that say by staying in the Paris thing, we would lose 80 million jobs every year. The average American family, who I love, would be forced to eat one or more of their children. China can do whatever it wants. Huge polluters, the hugest. We have to eat our children. Bad deal!

“We’re going to reopen the factories. All the roads will be paved so smooth, you’ve never seen roads this smooth. New coal mines, the most gorgeous mines you’ve ever seen. Got a friend opening up a new coal mine. The miners call me, ‘Mr. President, will you come and speak at our mine in one of your beautiful suits?’ I said I would think about it. I want to go, but who knows? Maybe I have to sign our tax bill, which will be passed tomorrow.

“By getting us out of the Paris thing, I have guaranteed 10% GDP growth for the next hundred years. Believe me. What are we going to run the country on? Solar? What about at night? Very dumb people, these solar people. You can mine coal at night. Doesn’t matter, because it’s dark down there. This is why I’m smart.

“I am going to work with the Democrats, who are traitors and losers, and with the politicians that work for me, and get the best terms. No one was negotiating for America! We know Barack Obama was born in a mosque, but maybe he was also French? Maybe he was collaborating with foreign interests? However he betrayed his country, he should obviously be tried for treason. Maybe I’ll call Obama Blackadict Arnold.

“Paris can’t make our laws. I was elected by the largest margin in history to protect America from Paris. I am the savior of Pittsburgh. Ben Roethlisberger, who I love, told me that three of their Super Bowl wins were because of me. Paris have a football team? No. So I don’t care about Paris.

“Okay, God bless great again. Yes, wonderful, you’re welcome, you’re welcome.”

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