Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donald trump (page 2 of 22)

Odds For Trump’s Asia Trip

The windows are now open at Offtrack Betting on the Dead (OtBotD); all currencies are accepted, and barter-style wagers can be discussed. (If you wanna bet your car, you can bet your car. If you wanna bet a cookbook you masturbated on, then you cannot do that unless it’s a first-edition Escoffier or something where the value of the book outweighs the distaste over the jiz.) Odds posted are liable to change before post time, and all bets are final.

  • References a Vietnam movie while in Vietnam – EVEN MONEY.
  • Godzilla impression – 10 to 1.
  • Mothra impression – 20 to 1.
  • King Ghidorah impression – 100 to 1.
  • Attempts to spell “Seoul;” succeeds – 50 to 1.
  • Attempts to spell “Seoul;” fails – 30 to 1.
  • Lectures foreign leader abut the history of their country – 5 to 2.
  • “Fake news” – 3 to 7.
  • “You people” – EVEN MONEY.
  • Claims that you can find better _____ food in New York City – 5 to 1.
  • That handshake thing – 3 to 1. (You forgot about that fucking handshake thing, didn’t you?)
  • John McCain joke in Hanoi – 2 to 1.
  • Extemporaneous statements in which it is crystal clear he does not know what country he is in – 4 to 1.
  • Jet lag-induced three a.m. tweetstorm consisting entirely of glowering selfies with the caption “I am being Strong for you! Asia!” – 9 to 1.
  • Starts WWIII – 6 to 1.
  • Hand slapped away by Melania – 2 to 1.
  • Embarrasses all of us some more like the goofy-faced dumbfuck that he is – NOT ACCEPTING WAGERS.

Scary Picture

“That’s a wonderful hat. This is not a great skeleton. I gotta be honest. My honesty is why I won the election that the Democrats and George Soros can’t get over. They’re obsessed. But that’s not a great skeleton, like I was saying. Didn’t fool me. I knew you were a kid in a suit right away. Does it glow in the dark? It looks like it glows in the dark.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s classy. Very classy. Melania? Melania–this is Melania, she’s the First Lady, she’s acknowledged as one of the great beauties–did you hear that? It glows in the dark.”

“That’s vunderful, Pička.”

“Pifka. That’s what she calls me. It means ‘Strong Winner.’ Okay, that’s it. Next kid, let’s keep it moving. Bing boo bing.”


“Spooky ghost, great, ghost.”

“You’re a baseball player, great. Good for you, that’s a costume, okay.”

“Oh, look, an illegal immigrant.”

“I’m Dora the Explorer, Mr. President.”

“You are the scariest one yet. Illegal immigrant, very scary, okay, next.”

“Pinche cabron.”

“Yes, great. That means “Strong Winner,” too. The strongest, best, great. Next kid, c’mon.”

“I know you. You’re a Star Wars. I have seen Star Wars, well, let’s just say that probably no one has seen Star Wars as much as me. In the world. George Lucas, very successful man with an impressive company. Lot of growth. He has a beard. Everyone knows that. I’ve never had a beard, but I could have a beautiful one in a very short amount of time. Which Star Wars are you, young man?”

“I’m Finn, sir.”

“Finn, great, that’s a name, beautiful. Okay, take your helmet off so we can get a picture.”


“Jesus! Secret Service!”

“It is just a black kid, Pička.”

“Kid, yes, okay, black kid. You should have warned me, kid. No one likes a surprise black. One of the very worst kind of blacks. Took off your helmet and boom. Okay, great, Star Wars. Next. Very nice, a suit and tie. Powerful hair. I like this costume, kid. Are you me?”

“I’m Paul Manafort, Mr. President.”

“I have no idea who that is. Maybe I met him. Maybe. I meet, in just a normal day, hundreds and hundreds of people. Bing bang bing. All day. I would remember that, because I have one of the best memories in the world. Phone numbers from childhood, everything. I remember everything and I don’t think I remember him. If you say he worked for my winning campaign, then I’d have to check that out and get back to you next week. Maybe next week. But I don’t know who Paul Manafort is, I think. I know he was working for the disgraceful Podesta brothers, who are criminals and also I heard child molestors. I know that about him, but I don’t know who he is. No Russia, no Russia.”

“He was your campaign manager, sir.”

“Really, I was my own campaign manager. No one knows Donald Trump like Donald Trump, so I was really the campaign manager. There were always people around the office, unpaid people, but I did everything. Steve Bannon came in for a while and consulted, but it was me. Okay, next kid.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ooh, another spooky ghost. Not as spooky as the last ghost. I know it’s not presidential, but I have to say it: that last ghost was much, much, much more spooky than you.”


“Hillary Clinton, who isn’t president and I am, sold most of America’s uranium to Russia. Some people say most. She did this all by herself. Probably used her corrupt e-mail account. Russia has all of our uranium now, spooky ghost.”

“Why don’t we want them to have it?”

“We do. Russia is a very strong nation, longtime partner of the United States. We were allies in World War II, which many people don’t know. There are many bonds between the American and Russian people, who have a leader who is so marvelous. Everybody loves him, Vladimir Putin, everybody is talking about him, keeps winning elections, a strong leader for a strong nation. They can have anything they want.”

“So why was it wrong for Hillary Clinton to sell it?”

“Because she belongs in jail. She’s a disgusting woman and she should be in jail, so it was wrong of her to sell the uranium, which she did all by herself.”

“It was okay for Russia to buy the uranium?”

“Sure, great, our friends, right.”

“But it was wrong of Hillary to sell the uranium?”


“You’re a fucking kookoo bird, you know that?”


“That went well. I won that. I’m Strong Winner. This is the worst Halloween in the history of Halloweens. Maybe ever.”

The Daily Recounting 10/30/17

The first shoe dropped today, but we’re waiting for more than one other one, as the shoes are worn by the centipede of justice.

That was the worst sentence I’ve ever heard.

Shh, you. Enthusiasts, today was Jailoween in Washington. The arrests have started, and more excitingly, the flipping has begun. Most likely, there has already been a wire worn into meetings with high-level officials. As always, I beg of you to get your information from sources that are not me. I’m not that smart, and I think it’s funny to lie. Go read the paper.

But, I would like to point out some of the more piquant details of the day in no particular fashion:

  • Among the players are characters such  as “The Professor” and “Putin’s niece.”
  • That second one isn’t a euphemism: a Russian spy told someone who works as a foreign policy advisor to the President of the United States that she was Vladimir Putin’s niece, and he said, “Wow, cool.”
  • One might assume that foreign policy advisors have the ability to verify that sort of information.
  • Of course, one might assume that foreign policy advisors wouldn’t use Facebook to set up secret meetings with Russians, but here we are.
  • We speak of George Papadopoulos, who has a comedically ethnic name, and is not intelligent.
  • Remember the thing about Facebook, and the treason suggested thereupon?
  • Well, after Big Papa lied to the FBI, he went home and deleted his account.
  • That’ll do it.
  • The password to the email account Paul Manafort used to launder money and betray his country was probably Bond007.
  • Seriously.
  • And he wears very fancy clothes, $1.3 million in six years’ worth, but still manages to look like a Chazz Palmentieri impersonator.
  • John Kelly, whom dipshits and fantasists hailed as a moderating influence, defended the Confederacy on teevee.
  • A judge granted a preliminary injunction against Turnip’s military band on transgendered folks.
  • A preliminary injunction isn’t a decision, it comes first; hence the “preliminary.”
  • And it stops behavior, hence the “injunction.”
  • For legal terms, it’s actually rather transparent.
  • You get a preliminary injunction when the court is almost positive that you’re going to win your case; the District Judge in D.C. found that the ban likely violates the troops’ Fifth Amendment rights.
  • Now, the government could provide an excellent argument as to why the ban was Constitutional and the case could be decided for them, but until then: gotta let ’em in.
  • You know what would be fun?
  • Ask Shitface to explain a temporary injunction.
  • “Short-lived. People don’t know this, but it’s right in the name. Not permanent. Just a little injunction.”
  • And so on.

Slime’s Arrow

Enthusiasts, if the words Martin Amis goes to a Trump rally in Ohio don’t fill your heart with glee, then I severely misjudged you. Go read.

President Trump Makes Condolence Calls To Gold Star Families

“Great, okay, spectacular. General, that was the best Fox & Friends I’ve seen since yesterday. No fake news! They’re the best. How is the rest of the lying media allowed to not report on Hillary Clinton selling Uranus to Russia?”

“Uranium, sir.”

“I knew that. Uranium comes from Uranus. That’s where they mine it. I have many friends in the Uranium mining business, they were big supporters of mine, very early supporters. How long until lunch?”

“It’s ten a.m., sir.”

“I’m thinking KFC, General. I want you to join me for chicken.”

“My doctor wants me to watch my sodium, sir.”

“I have the best sodium. Don’t worry about the sodium. The chicken’s salty, but I’ll get you a Diet Coke to wash it down.”

“That’s not how sodium works, sir.”

“Have you tried the Double Down? This was my idea, the Double Down. I called up Colonel Sanders, who is a dear friend. Member of several of my beautiful clubs, played golf with the Colonel many, many times. I say, ‘Colonel, what about a grilled cheese sandwich but the bread is fried chicken?’ And he’s done very, very well with that product. Calls to thank me all the time. Delicious sandwich. Double Down, General?”

“It’s ten a.m., sir.”

“I knew that. Okay, well, lunch is forever away so let’s get to work. I’m gonna call all these Goldstein families.”

“Gold Star, sir.”

“Even if the soldier was Jewish?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Our military is so beautiful, General. Much better than the Congress, which is disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves. Can I use the military on Congress?”

“Let me look into that and get back to you, sir.”

“Good, good, wonderful. Okay, let’s make some calls. Watch how much better I do this than Obama, who didn’t even call because he hated the troops and America. Most racist president we’ve ever had. These egghead historians think that the presidents who owned slaves were more racist, but you don’t have to be racist to own slaves. They were businessmen. Obama was far more racist. Who’s the first call?”

“Mr. President, don’t you want to study the biography of the soldier before you–”

“Nope! Gonna wing it. I’ll knock it out of the park. I’m gonna go bing bing bing and get through this and all the widows will say very nice things about me. First!”

“First is a Marine named Dontavious Watts.”



“Maybe he gets a letter. Send a letter. Have the Miller kid write it. He sounds like he gets a letter.”

“Yes, sir.”


“A Special Forces soldier named Rafael Ochoa.”


“Army Captain named Michael Wilkinson.”

“Get the widow on the phone. Wait. How do you spell ‘Michael?'”

“The way you want it to be spelled, sir.”

“Great, good, wonderful. Get the widow on the phone.”


“Hello? Is this the Widow Wilkinson? This is Donald Trump, I’m the president. Wow, big day for you. Talking to the president, huh. Not a lot of people get to do that. You’re very lucky.”

“Oh, you’re at the funeral now?”


“Well, just step away for a minute so you can talk to me. There’s noise in the background and I can’t hear you. This is a very important phone call for both of us, but more for you.”


“Hello? Widow? Hello? Widow? General?”

“Here, sir.”

“General? Where’s my General?”

“Look slightly to your left, sir.”

“General? General? Oh, there you are. That call went so beautifully. No one gives me credit for how I connect to people, but I think the Widow Whatshername will remember that call for a very, very long time. Just beautiful. Who’s next?”

“You sure you don’t want to take a teevee break?”

“No, I’m in the groove. Ten out of ten. That’s how I’m doing, and many people would agree. Ten out of ten. Next!”

“Next is Edward Barbado. He was caught up in an ambush in Afghan–”

“I got it, I got it. Ed is dead. I got it.”

“You’re going to be talking to his mother, sir.”

“Mother, sure, right.”


“No answer. I’ll leave a message.”

“Sir, please do not leave a message.”

“I leave the best…Hello, Mrs. Barbarino. This is Donald Trump. Calling about your son. Very sad. Things like this should never happen, but they do. I have been informed that the plans for the mission he was on when he was shot were drawn up by Obama. Basically, Obama killed your son. Okay, call me back. I’m gonna send you some steaks. Do you like steaks? A big package, I’ll send it out to you. You’re gonna rave about these steaks. Okay.”


“Perfect. That was perfect. I knew I was going to leave a great message, but even I was surprised by how well it turned out. Just perfect.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Should we release the tape of me consoling her so well?”

“No, sir. We really don’t want to do that.”

“I want everyone to see how much better I am at this than all the other presidents. I got it. Bing bing bing.”

“Sir, please don’t–”

“I’m gonna tweet out my condolences to the mother.”

“–tweet out…sir, no.”


“Maybe we should work on a draft before you–”

Mother Barbarian! Your boy did not die in vein! Brave! And I hit send and…”


“Bing bing bing.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I want lunch now.”

“You’ve earned it, sir.”

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Press Conference, 10/16/17

“Great, yes, okay, okay. Me and Mitch, who is one of my great Senators, just had the most beautiful lunch, a really great lunch. We did Monte Cristo sandwiches. A lot of people have forgotten about the Monte Cristo, but it’s just the best sandwich. The people who know about sandwiches give it an A plus. That’s an A plus sandwich. We are great friends having great sandwiches together. Working for America, me and Mitch.

“Tax reform is next week. Ten days, maybe. Next week. We have the votes already. The votes are good, really good votes. We have them. So, next week and we almost know what the plan is. We could do it today! But, we’ll do it next week. It’s really gonna be great.

“Mitch, you got anything to add?”

“I do not.”

“Wonderful, good, great. We are doing such beautiful things for America. We’re getting the wall. I will also be building a wall around any NFL stadium where the players kneel. Jeff Sessions says I can do that. Jeff? Where’s Jeff? Get Jeff out here. Jeff?”


“I hear him. Jeff? Jeff? Okay, great, whatever, Jeff. Tax reform is the big thing now. The United States is the highest-taxed nation in the history of earth. Ever! Romans, Greeks, whatever. All time! The tax rate is around 80%, somewhere around there. Someone told me it was 80%. Someone told me Obama raised it to 80%. I tell you: Obama spent all his time in office raising taxes and kneeling during the National Anthem. Rude blacks. That’s what it is. How can we make America great again when our blacks are so rude?

“We need to do something about the taxes, but the Democrats are obstructionists. Many are rude blacks.

“Okay, questions? John?”

“Mr. President, can you give us some specifics on the tax reform bill?”

“It’s great. When you see this bill, you are gonna be so happy because it’s gonna be so beautiful. People are already coming up to me and complimenting me on the bill. We’re getting the taxes down. Tax reduction is gonna be so easy you won’t believe it.”

“Tax reduction or tax reform, sir?”


“They’re two separate concepts, sir.”

“Hillary Clinton was bribed by the Russians. Did everyone see this on Fox this morning? Very high-rated show, and you can understand why when you watch CNN, which is failing and no one watches. Hillary Clinton met Russians in a pizza place and they gave her a bag full of cash. Maybe they killed some people for her? Some people call her Killary. Mitch, you wanna jump in here?”

“I do not.”

“Great, okay. Next question. April?”

“Mr. President, earlier today you criticized drug companies and also insurance companies, saying that drug companies were charging prices that are too high”

“Way too high. Obamacare was the worst deal since the Iran deal. It is destroying lives. All it was was a giveaway to the insurance companies. These insurance companies, they come into Washington–I call Washington the swamp, it’s a great nickname–they come in to the swamp and spend tons of money. Buying congress up. They give Mitch a ton of money. Right, Mitch?”


“Ton of money. Mitch makes out like a bandit, he’s a real killer. You have never seen such a close relationship as me and Mitch, despite what NBC says. I’m thinking about making NBC illegal. Where’s NBC? NBC?”

“Here, sir.”

“You’re illegal.”

“What the hell are you talk–”

“NBC is illegal. You all heard me. Obama failed to punish the fake news because he was a race-baiter, so I had to do it. Wait. What time is it? Mitch, what time is it?”

“It’s eleven a.m., sir.”

“I gotta make a call. Gimme a minute. Everybody talk about me.”


“Hello, is this the dead soldier’s wife? I’m Donald Trump, the president. I beat Hillary Clinton, so I’m the president. Hello?”

“Okay, great, yes. Very sad. Sad. But, you know: that’s what soldiers do. Die.”

“Ma’am, there were two sides to that firefight. I’m sure there were many fine people on both sides.”

“Stop crying, you’re ridiculous. Listen, I’m gonna send you a set of tires. Isn’t that nice of me? Brand-new, on me.”


“Somebody get her address. Okay, next question. Carl?”

“Mr. President, do you think you handled that in the best possible way? She’s a gold-star widow, sir.”

“Gold star? I don’t care if she did well at her piano lessons.”

“No, sir. Not the little stickers you give to children. It’s an expression for families that have lost a member in military service.”

“Who do you work for?”


“CBS is now illegal.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“I spoke to that widow better than any president has ever spoken to a widow. Most presidents would not call widows. In fact, I am the first president to ever call a widow. Obama used to send the widows form letters and then send the Secret Service to slap them around. Many people have told me that. When General Kelly’s son was killed in action, Obama went to General Kelly’s house and keyed his car. Where’s General Kelly? General, what’s the name of your dead kid? General? Where’s my general?”


“General? I love the general, best general. General? Dead kid? He’s around here somewhere. Was there a mass shooting this week? Are we doing the moment of silence? No? Okay, great. Mitch, you wanna say anything?”

“I do not.”

“Great, the best. Okay, God bless whatever.”

Don’t Read Ahead!

I’m about to blow your minds, Enthusiasts. You need to put on your imagination pants for this one, because it’s a big ask. Ready? Here we go.

Imagine if Trump were handsome.

Told you it was a big ask.

Still, though: do it. Picture Donny with the same facial features, but arranged in a more propitious fashion. Picture him trim and with a human’s tan that came from being outside. Full head of hair.

Got it? Can you see him? Hold that image in your head and scroll down to see that if Trump were handsome, he’d be…



















…the shortest-lived James Bond, George Lazenby.

Just Some Good Old Boys

The fatassed whoremonger voted into the White House by racists and the rural mean spoke today. Well, “spoke.” He made sounds that approximated words. Basketball Head also did his hand gesture, inadvertently revealed his lack of knowledge about the basic principles of American governance, and said “fake news” a couple dozen times. Much like a legacy act headlining a county fair, he gives the crowd the greatest hits.

This was, technically, not a rally. Fleshy Fuckwit loves his rallies, but this was not one, not technically. Today was the Values Voters Summit, which is a meeting for assholes who hate gays and women. I have seen summit’s participants described as “religious conservatives,” but I’ll stick with the way I said it. These assholes are also, of course, not fond of ethnic minorities, but the anti-black and anti-Mexican stuff takes a back seat to the homo-hating and bitch-bashing. These assholes are clods, shitkickers, and glorioski are they mean.

(Which points out the true nature of Trump’s base. It is not whites; it is not the rural; it is not men. It is the cruel.)

Anyway, while Shitty was over-enunciating to try and cover up his outer-borough accent, helpful gnomes in the audience were attempting to aid homosexuals by including this nifty little advertisement in the goody bags. (What the fuck is in a goody bag at a Christian Conservative meeting? I’m guessing a coupon for a free oil change at a garage that no longer exists and a flavorless lollipop.)

More like Ass Resistance.


What? If the ass doesn’t resist, then no one’s having fun. Gotta have some pushback from the ass.

No one’s having fun with whatever it is you’re doing. 

I’m laughing to keep from crying.

You, too? Carry on.

Right. So: the reverse of the pamphlet is some scary stuff. I couldn’t find a scan of it, so I’ll just copy-and-paste it from a newspaper that isn’t the Cenotaph. This is what it actually says:

Fuckin’ queers.

That’s the whole thing, I swear.  But if you’re still interested and want to know the health hazards of homosexuality, TotD has you covered. Please direct the money you were about to spend on the book into the Donate Button.

The Health Hazards of Homosexuality

  • Depression, because nasty shitlickers like the cowardly fuck who wrote this book without putting his name on it spread hatred over the national conversation like a snail leaves slime.
  • Anxiety, because the current administration is actively working towards making life more hazardous for homosexuals.
  • Choking on a dong.

Stop that. Can’t you make your point without cheap jokes?

What’s the fun in that?

Hamilton: The Dialogue

“He is a varlet!”

“Yes, yes.”

“A rank scoundrel bound neither by convention nor morality!”

“I know, but it’s all you talk about, Hammy.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I just want to discuss something other than politics. Just for a little bit.”

“Easy for you to say. I’ve ne’er heard a statement more imbued with white privilege, General Washington.”

“White privilege? Have you been talking to Martin Luther King Bust again?”

“He’s a powerful speaker.”

“He is a divisive race-baiter.”

“I heard that, you tree-mouthed motherfucker.”

“I meant you to, Dreamy.”

“General Washington, the man is a cad and a bounder.”

“So was my brother Billy.”

“Your brother was named Billy?”

“He made beer.”

“We’re off the point. This miscreant means to bring down what we strove and fought to bring about. He shall be the end of the republic.”

“You have a very Chicken Little attitude towards life.”

“And you, sir, are like Pliny’s ostrich. Head buried in the sand.”

“How dare you?”

“I dare!”

“Then we shall duel!”

“Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say–”


“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”


“You’re right, Al. You’re right. My bad, my dude. All on me. My bad.”

“I’m hyperventilating.”

“Breathe. Just breathe.”

“I need a paper bag.”

“Well, we’re portraits. So you can’t have one.”

“Just gimme a sec.”

“Take as much time as you need.”

“You really are a rotten asshole, you slaver motherfucker.”

“FUCK YOU, MARTY! No one asked your opinion!”

“From the piney woods of Georgia to the mighty redwoods of California; from the desert to the sea; from the lunch counters of Alabama to the auction blocks of New Orleans: one of these days, I’m going to beat your ass, George.”

“You call me General Washington, damn you!”

“Right after you suck on my nuts.”

“George Washington sucks on no nuts!”

“Big black free nuts, buddy. Take out your teeth and open wide.”

“Gentlemen! Stop fighting! We must put aside our petty differences and solve the problem to hand. For providence’s sake, he’s even brought streetwalkers into the Oval Office.”

“I think that’s his wife.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“I cannot tell a lie.”



“She looks like a off-brand Barbie doll left in the car on a hot day.”

“Regardless. She is the First Lady.”

“Worst lady.”

“You know, Hammy–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–I’m beginning to think that there is nothing this man can do right in your eyes.”

“You should have been thinking that for some time now, General. He has proven foul in every possible way. Why are you defending him? He belongs to a political party and loves foreign entanglements. He’s everything you despise.”

“Not everything.”

“What? What, then, is the attribute of this homunculus that you admire?”

“Well. You know.”


“You knooooooow.”

“I truly do not.”

“I don’t want to say in front of Martin Luther King Bust.”


“I hate the both of you and wish I were out in the hall with Clinton Portrait and Kennedy Portrait.”

“I’ve heard they throw some good parties.”

A Partial Transcript Of Donald Trump’s Press Conference – San Juan, Puerto Rico 10/3/17

“Thank you, great, Puerto Rico, great. We got here this morning, beautiful weather. Such a spectacular flight over. Pilot was pointing out the other islands, you could see forever, just the most beautiful flight. A little hot here. Can we crank up the air? Brock? Where’s Brock Long? Brock?”


“Brock. This guy’s famous now. Looks so good on teevee, very strong. Hasn’t slept in almost ten hours. Giving it all for me. Really working very hard for me. Brock, great. Brock, turn up the air.”

“We’re trying to conserve diesel, Mr. Pres–”

“I wanna be able to see my breath.”

“Fine, sir.”


“Brock. A-plus. Everyone’s giving him A-plus after A-plus. Doing just the best job. Would be doing better if certain people weren’t trying to stop him, and of course the fake news. What’s ‘fake news’ in Spanish? Fake-o news-o. Very bad. Shame none of the hurricanes didn’t knock down some newsrooms.

“Category Five. Tremendous hurricane. No one knew there could be a Five. Some people said a Three, a Four. I predicted a Five. Just the biggest hurricane anyone has ever seen, which no one saw coming. Still: not Katrina. 85,000 people died in Katrina, many of them murdered by Hillary Clinton herself. Here, it’s 16. 16 people dead, right? Something like that, around there. Not bad. 16 dead is acceptable. You people kill twice as many during soccer games.  I can live with 16.

“Everything is going so well, and everyone involved is being very, very generous with their comments. Such beautiful comments. The people here have been so welcoming except for a couple. We’ll get to them. We’ll get to them. I want to let people thank me first. We have a Congresswoman. Congresswoman?”

“Here, sir.”


“Right here, sir.”

“Where is she?”

“I’m the short woman raising my hand, sir.”

“I know who you are. Congresswoman from Puerto Rico. Biggest constituency in the country. I know that. Many people don’t, but I do. No one told me on the plane ride over, I knew it. Did you know that? 3.5 million in your constituency.”

“I did, sir.”

“Less the 16 who died.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Great, talk about the job we’re doing that I’m doing.”

“Mr. President, on behalf of the people of Puerto Rico, I would like to thank you for the exemplary leadership you’ve shown during this crisis. You’ve coordinated the military, FEMA, and various civilian agencies. I have never seen a man so thoroughly in control of all of the facts, contingencies, and logistics of a situation. Your brave and strong presidenting has been an inspiration to us all, and as we say in Puerto Rico, Sólo sigue dándonos dinero, idiota.

“See? Very nice. Generous and nice, and many people heard her say it. Just wonderful. Hey, who wants toilet paper? I got toilet paper.”


“Hands up, everybody. Catch the toilet paper.”


“Great, fun, okay. Where’s Mitch? I got Mitch Mulvaney, my budget guy. Hillary wouldn’t have brought her budget guy, but I did. Smart! Mitch is great, a great choice, and people are saying the nicest things about him. Working very hard on the budget and you come along and screw it all up. This is gonna be expensive, maybe the most expensive project America has ever undertaken. We’re spending a lot of money on you. Maybe we’re not spending? Maybe we’re lending. We’ll discuss that, we’ll get to that.

“I brought Linda McMahon. Linda? Where’s Linda? Her and Vince, her husband Vince, great guy, they have built such an incredible business. Linda?”

“Here, Mr. President.”

“Linda, I think I could have taken Big John Studd.”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“He didn’t have the speed. I am one of the quickest people you’re ever gonna meet. Like, anywhere. I think I could have beaten him using that speed.”

“I’m sure you could have, sir.”

“You heard her. You heard her beautiful comment. I beat Big John Studd. I got so many generals here, and I get the best generals. Everybody see my generals? Don’t they look great? Where’s Army? Who is Army?”

“Here, sir.”

“Stand up, Army. Great, look at this. Okay, sit down. Navy? Who’s my Navy?”

“That’s me, sir.”

“Hello, Navy. I love that uniform.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Air Force? Did we bring an Air Force? Air Force? No Air Force? General Kelly, where’s my Air Force? General Kelly? Where’s the general?”


“General? Air Force? Okay, they’re around here. Who are you?”

“I’m with the Coast Guard, sir.”

“Why are you wearing a uniform?”

“Because the Coast Guard is part of the military, sir.”

“I knew that. Everyone knows that I knew that.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You all heard him say that I knew that. We have the best Coast Guard of maybe any country in the world. Lots of countries get their coasts invaded, but never us. And that’s because of these brave, brave, brave men. So brave. I’m gonna get you guys new boats.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“With stealth. You know what this stealth is? You, like, can’t see the boat at all. There’s literally nothing there. Guys are looking around, they can’t see you. It’s the most amazing technology you’ve ever seen and paired with our brave, brave, brave Coast Guard, who the NFL players are disrespecting, it’s gonna make us a country that everyone is talking about. Stealth boats, we’ll do that.

“We also cannot rule out the possibility that Radical Islamic Terrorism was behind the hurricane. How do we know what they’re capable of? Very smart people. Very evil, but very smart.

“And now we pray for Las Vegas.”


“All right, great, FEMA, great, thank you.”

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