Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donald trump (page 4 of 24)

Maggie Haberman Receives A Late-Night Phone Call From Whom You’d Expect


“Just one night of peace. Just one…yeah, what do you want?”

“Hi. We need two pies, one with pepperoni, and an order of cheesy bread.”

“Hi, Don, Jr.”

“Is this Papa John’s?”

“No, it’s Maggie Haberman.”

“That’s the weirdest name for a pizza place.”

“I’m not a pizzeria, Junior. I’m a reporter for the New York Times.

“The lying, failing New York Times?”

“Ohhhh, right. You’re fake news.”

“Sure. Busy day, huh?”

“Everybody’s stupid. No one knows what’s going on. My FRIEND Julian was trying to help my dad make America great, and the media is making, like, this whole thing about it like it’s a federal case.”

“It is literally a federal case, Junior.”

“WHY? I didn’t do anything wrong. Maggie?”


“Do you have any pizza at your house you could bring over?”


“I’m so hungry.”

“Junior, tell me about your relationship with Julian Assange.”

“Julian Asswich is my friend.”


“Hasaaaaaan CHOP! Remember that? From the Daffy Duck cartoon? Big Ay-rab guy with a sword. Do you know they throw buildings at homosexuals?”

“Concentrate, Junior.”

“Julie’s awesome.”

“Don’t call him that.”

“We met on Twitter. He’s my tweep.”

“Don’t ever say that word again.”

“And we, like, send each other memes. That guy? That guy memes.”

“Uh-huh. What else?”

“Couch tour.”

“Don’t you bring couch tour into this. Leave couch tour out of it.”

“Okay, so you tell me what the problem is. He sends me a link to a site.”


“A lying, failing fake news site that wants to say fake things about my dad.”


“And he gives me the password to the admin page. So I log in, right? And it’s one of those sites with the About page where they have little bios for everyone who contributes? So, I changed all their info.”

“To what?”


“I called them all gay.”

“Good one, Junior.”

“Even the ladies!”

“Wow. You’re like Lenny Bruce.”

“I don’t know who that is. Is he a winner?”

“Not really. Listen, Junior: that’s a crime. What you just described is a crime.”

“Calling people gay? I swear that political correctness is killing this country. We need to build a wall.”

“To keep out political correctness?”


“Uh-huh. The crime is hacking. Hacking is a crime, Junior.”

“Pssh. Hacking’s not a crime. Hacking’s fucking awesome. Besides, I covered my tracks.”

“How so?”

“I switched my browser to incognito mode.”

“Yeah, you covered your tracks.”

“I’m fucking Archer, man.”

“You are. What else did you guys discuss?”

“Chicks. Star Wars. The gym. Chicks.”

“You said chicks twice.”

“That guy fucks. That guy memes, and that guy fucks.”


“Oh, and he would give me tips on when he was going to drop some heavy information. Like, a heads-up. And then I’d tell my dad. And, like, my dad looked at me with…I don’t know. I’ve never seen that expression on his face before.”


“I guess. He didn’t slap me in front of people like he usually does.”

“All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

“Wow. That’s deep. Is that Kanye?”

“No. Junior, you keep getting yourself into deeper and deeper trouble with these Russians.”

“I wasn’t talking to the Russians this time. I was talking to Julian from Wikileaks.”

“I stand by my statement.”

“It’s just all fake news! The Democrats and the Deep State and George Soros and Hillary Clinton are the ones who collude. No collude from me. They have so much collude.”


“Do you know what collude means?”

“I keep meaning to look it up.”

“Junior, you need a lawyer.”

“My dad’s lawyers said that I didn’t.”

“That’s because they’re setting you up to take the fall.”

“My dad wouldn’t do that. He told me I was his favorite. I mean, he was looking at Ivanka when he said it, but I was in the room.”

“Right. Junior, I’m going to bed. Try not to fuck up any more than you already have.”

“Okay. Forget the pizza. Could you make me a sandwich and bring it by?”


The Secret Secret Correspondence Between Donald Trump, Jr., And Wikileaks

9/12/16, 10:23 am Congratulate DJT on his speech the other night. Very inspiring, especially the section about locking Hillary Clinton up. I HATE HER! That is one rough-looking lady. Not like DJT’s wife. Congratulate him on that, too.

9/19/16, 8:30 pm You ever watch 2 Broke Girls? Great show. Smoking hotties. The blonde is prettier, but the one with the big tits has such big tits.

10/3/16, 4:11 pm Have a great idea for DJT. He should call her a cunt. DJT’s popularity is based on his ability to “say what everyone is thinking.” What else does everyone think when they look at HRC but “What a cunt?” Maybe the crowd should chant it.

10/3/16 ,4:17 pm A good chant would be “Fuck that cunt! Fuck that cunt!” Very punchy.

10/8/16, 1:09 pm Got something I’d love if you could retweet. www.компьютерныйвирус.com. If you don’t want to retweet it, just click on it.

10/12/16 3:21 am What’s the weather like? I have forgotten what it feels like on my pale skin and creepy hair. Noticed you haven’t gotten back to me. I know you’re busy, but not cool.

10/12/16, 4:11 am Let’s skype so you can watch me pound off.

10/12/16, 4:12 am Meant to send that to someone else. Sorry.

10/17/16, 8:33 pm Another idea for DJT at the debate. Announce that he will grant Assange a pardon and name Assange to the Supreme Court.

10/28/16, 4:11 am Let’s skype so you can watch me pound off. This is for you, Junior.

10.31/16, 10:51 am Hey, my DM’s are all wonky. Did you send me something? I thought you might have. Let me know.

11/8/16, 11:48 pm WE DID IT.


What Is TotD Not Reading Today, Part 2,087

Thinkpieces, longreads, call-outs, or exegeses of Taylor Swift’s new album

Lemme guess: is Taylor Swift’s new album about Taylor Swift? And what everyone thinks of Taylor Swift and how they’re wrong (but also a little bit right)? What about the haters? (There are so many haters.) Does Taylor slay the haters? Exactly what role does White Supremacy play in the title track? What does Rob Sheffield think?

Low-level accusations of sexual assault.

I’ll say it, Enthusiasts: we’ve reached Peak Accusation. From here on in, I need a real big name to garner my interest, or someone out of left field. Like, if the boys from Hanson have all been assaulting each other for 30 years, then I will read that story. Don’t bother me with Richard Dreyfuss; I already assumed he was whipping it out constantly.

Essays regarding the Marvel movies as films.

It’s just guys named Chris punching each other. Remember Guardians of the Galaxy 2? The baddie in that one was a living planet, a world that had achieved sentience, and he was defeated when a guy named Chris punched him.

Warnings to the Democrats to stop focusing on “identity politics.”

Let’s play a fun game. Who’s got a dog? Great, you look at your dog while I say “identity politics.” Did he look around? I bet your dog looked around, because “identity politics” is a dog whistle, but a unique one. It informs you of its bias by exclusion, rather than allusion. Identity politics is what blacks do, and gays and Mexicans and all the other various brands of ethnic whatnot. Identity politics is never, though, practiced by whites. Why, even to suggest such a thing gives me the heebies and a touch of jeebies. White is not an identity, nosiree: white is…well, normal. Insistence that politics be tailored to white people isn’t “identity politics,” it’s simple acquiescence to the true way of the world. It’s just common sense.

Here, look at this bullshit:

There’s no denying that a significant source of the energy in the Democratic Party comes from people for whom identity politics are highly salient. But these findings suggest that further sharpening these issues will not gain Democrats much of anything. To the extent that some white voters are alienated by these issues, identity politics may backfire, driving votes away. “Democrats, Cut The Cheer” Washington Post 11/10/17

The racists must be appeased. At all costs, the ire of the Fox News viewer cannot be aroused. It’s fine to be black, I guess, but could you do it a bit more quietly? Straighten out those wrists, sissies. Speak English or die.

Can’t you all be a bit more grateful?

And then there’s this asshole

Since the election, both United and American have set up weekly shuttles from D.C. to Bumfuck, whisking Big Media to diners and bowling alleys and VFW halls to have the same exact conversation with an interchangeable set of characters:

  • Shirley Puckler, 51. Works for the county. At least one family member addicted to opiates. Keeps her Basic Menthols in a knit purse. Likes how Trump speaks his mind, but wishes he’d tweet a little less.
  • Gary Lyons, 62. Retired. Meets his buddies for coffee at the same diner every morning at dawn. That NFL thing is getting to him, and so is the media’s negativity.
  • Jesse Faring, 38. Unemployed. Just comes right out and says “nigger.”

Throw in some local color about how pretty the fucking trees are or something, and you’ve got yourself an article.

The Russian stuff.

This is not out of principle. After two paragraphs full of names like Polonskaya, Kutepova, and Vinogradov, my eyes dry up and suck back into my skull for protection. It’s why I’ve never made it through The Brothers Karamazov.

Odds For Trump’s Asia Trip

The windows are now open at Offtrack Betting on the Dead (OtBotD); all currencies are accepted, and barter-style wagers can be discussed. (If you wanna bet your car, you can bet your car. If you wanna bet a cookbook you masturbated on, then you cannot do that unless it’s a first-edition Escoffier or something where the value of the book outweighs the distaste over the jiz.) Odds posted are liable to change before post time, and all bets are final.

  • References a Vietnam movie while in Vietnam – EVEN MONEY.
  • Godzilla impression – 10 to 1.
  • Mothra impression – 20 to 1.
  • King Ghidorah impression – 100 to 1.
  • Attempts to spell “Seoul;” succeeds – 50 to 1.
  • Attempts to spell “Seoul;” fails – 30 to 1.
  • Lectures foreign leader abut the history of their country – 5 to 2.
  • “Fake news” – 3 to 7.
  • “You people” – EVEN MONEY.
  • Claims that you can find better _____ food in New York City – 5 to 1.
  • That handshake thing – 3 to 1. (You forgot about that fucking handshake thing, didn’t you?)
  • John McCain joke in Hanoi – 2 to 1.
  • Extemporaneous statements in which it is crystal clear he does not know what country he is in – 4 to 1.
  • Jet lag-induced three a.m. tweetstorm consisting entirely of glowering selfies with the caption “I am being Strong for you! Asia!” – 9 to 1.
  • Starts WWIII – 6 to 1.
  • Hand slapped away by Melania – 2 to 1.
  • Embarrasses all of us some more like the goofy-faced dumbfuck that he is – NOT ACCEPTING WAGERS.

Scary Picture

“That’s a wonderful hat. This is not a great skeleton. I gotta be honest. My honesty is why I won the election that the Democrats and George Soros can’t get over. They’re obsessed. But that’s not a great skeleton, like I was saying. Didn’t fool me. I knew you were a kid in a suit right away. Does it glow in the dark? It looks like it glows in the dark.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s classy. Very classy. Melania? Melania–this is Melania, she’s the First Lady, she’s acknowledged as one of the great beauties–did you hear that? It glows in the dark.”

“That’s vunderful, Pička.”

“Pifka. That’s what she calls me. It means ‘Strong Winner.’ Okay, that’s it. Next kid, let’s keep it moving. Bing boo bing.”


“Spooky ghost, great, ghost.”

“You’re a baseball player, great. Good for you, that’s a costume, okay.”

“Oh, look, an illegal immigrant.”

“I’m Dora the Explorer, Mr. President.”

“You are the scariest one yet. Illegal immigrant, very scary, okay, next.”

“Pinche cabron.”

“Yes, great. That means “Strong Winner,” too. The strongest, best, great. Next kid, c’mon.”

“I know you. You’re a Star Wars. I have seen Star Wars, well, let’s just say that probably no one has seen Star Wars as much as me. In the world. George Lucas, very successful man with an impressive company. Lot of growth. He has a beard. Everyone knows that. I’ve never had a beard, but I could have a beautiful one in a very short amount of time. Which Star Wars are you, young man?”

“I’m Finn, sir.”

“Finn, great, that’s a name, beautiful. Okay, take your helmet off so we can get a picture.”


“Jesus! Secret Service!”

“It is just a black kid, Pička.”

“Kid, yes, okay, black kid. You should have warned me, kid. No one likes a surprise black. One of the very worst kind of blacks. Took off your helmet and boom. Okay, great, Star Wars. Next. Very nice, a suit and tie. Powerful hair. I like this costume, kid. Are you me?”

“I’m Paul Manafort, Mr. President.”

“I have no idea who that is. Maybe I met him. Maybe. I meet, in just a normal day, hundreds and hundreds of people. Bing bang bing. All day. I would remember that, because I have one of the best memories in the world. Phone numbers from childhood, everything. I remember everything and I don’t think I remember him. If you say he worked for my winning campaign, then I’d have to check that out and get back to you next week. Maybe next week. But I don’t know who Paul Manafort is, I think. I know he was working for the disgraceful Podesta brothers, who are criminals and also I heard child molestors. I know that about him, but I don’t know who he is. No Russia, no Russia.”

“He was your campaign manager, sir.”

“Really, I was my own campaign manager. No one knows Donald Trump like Donald Trump, so I was really the campaign manager. There were always people around the office, unpaid people, but I did everything. Steve Bannon came in for a while and consulted, but it was me. Okay, next kid.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ooh, another spooky ghost. Not as spooky as the last ghost. I know it’s not presidential, but I have to say it: that last ghost was much, much, much more spooky than you.”


“Hillary Clinton, who isn’t president and I am, sold most of America’s uranium to Russia. Some people say most. She did this all by herself. Probably used her corrupt e-mail account. Russia has all of our uranium now, spooky ghost.”

“Why don’t we want them to have it?”

“We do. Russia is a very strong nation, longtime partner of the United States. We were allies in World War II, which many people don’t know. There are many bonds between the American and Russian people, who have a leader who is so marvelous. Everybody loves him, Vladimir Putin, everybody is talking about him, keeps winning elections, a strong leader for a strong nation. They can have anything they want.”

“So why was it wrong for Hillary Clinton to sell it?”

“Because she belongs in jail. She’s a disgusting woman and she should be in jail, so it was wrong of her to sell the uranium, which she did all by herself.”

“It was okay for Russia to buy the uranium?”

“Sure, great, our friends, right.”

“But it was wrong of Hillary to sell the uranium?”


“You’re a fucking kookoo bird, you know that?”


“That went well. I won that. I’m Strong Winner. This is the worst Halloween in the history of Halloweens. Maybe ever.”

The Daily Recounting 10/30/17

The first shoe dropped today, but we’re waiting for more than one other one, as the shoes are worn by the centipede of justice.

That was the worst sentence I’ve ever heard.

Shh, you. Enthusiasts, today was Jailoween in Washington. The arrests have started, and more excitingly, the flipping has begun. Most likely, there has already been a wire worn into meetings with high-level officials. As always, I beg of you to get your information from sources that are not me. I’m not that smart, and I think it’s funny to lie. Go read the paper.

But, I would like to point out some of the more piquant details of the day in no particular fashion:

  • Among the players are characters such  as “The Professor” and “Putin’s niece.”
  • That second one isn’t a euphemism: a Russian spy told someone who works as a foreign policy advisor to the President of the United States that she was Vladimir Putin’s niece, and he said, “Wow, cool.”
  • One might assume that foreign policy advisors have the ability to verify that sort of information.
  • Of course, one might assume that foreign policy advisors wouldn’t use Facebook to set up secret meetings with Russians, but here we are.
  • We speak of George Papadopoulos, who has a comedically ethnic name, and is not intelligent.
  • Remember the thing about Facebook, and the treason suggested thereupon?
  • Well, after Big Papa lied to the FBI, he went home and deleted his account.
  • That’ll do it.
  • The password to the email account Paul Manafort used to launder money and betray his country was probably Bond007.
  • Seriously.
  • And he wears very fancy clothes, $1.3 million in six years’ worth, but still manages to look like a Chazz Palmentieri impersonator.
  • John Kelly, whom dipshits and fantasists hailed as a moderating influence, defended the Confederacy on teevee.
  • A judge granted a preliminary injunction against Turnip’s military band on transgendered folks.
  • A preliminary injunction isn’t a decision, it comes first; hence the “preliminary.”
  • And it stops behavior, hence the “injunction.”
  • For legal terms, it’s actually rather transparent.
  • You get a preliminary injunction when the court is almost positive that you’re going to win your case; the District Judge in D.C. found that the ban likely violates the troops’ Fifth Amendment rights.
  • Now, the government could provide an excellent argument as to why the ban was Constitutional and the case could be decided for them, but until then: gotta let ’em in.
  • You know what would be fun?
  • Ask Shitface to explain a temporary injunction.
  • “Short-lived. People don’t know this, but it’s right in the name. Not permanent. Just a little injunction.”
  • And so on.

Slime’s Arrow

Enthusiasts, if the words Martin Amis goes to a Trump rally in Ohio don’t fill your heart with glee, then I severely misjudged you. Go read.

President Trump Makes Condolence Calls To Gold Star Families

“Great, okay, spectacular. General, that was the best Fox & Friends I’ve seen since yesterday. No fake news! They’re the best. How is the rest of the lying media allowed to not report on Hillary Clinton selling Uranus to Russia?”

“Uranium, sir.”

“I knew that. Uranium comes from Uranus. That’s where they mine it. I have many friends in the Uranium mining business, they were big supporters of mine, very early supporters. How long until lunch?”

“It’s ten a.m., sir.”

“I’m thinking KFC, General. I want you to join me for chicken.”

“My doctor wants me to watch my sodium, sir.”

“I have the best sodium. Don’t worry about the sodium. The chicken’s salty, but I’ll get you a Diet Coke to wash it down.”

“That’s not how sodium works, sir.”

“Have you tried the Double Down? This was my idea, the Double Down. I called up Colonel Sanders, who is a dear friend. Member of several of my beautiful clubs, played golf with the Colonel many, many times. I say, ‘Colonel, what about a grilled cheese sandwich but the bread is fried chicken?’ And he’s done very, very well with that product. Calls to thank me all the time. Delicious sandwich. Double Down, General?”

“It’s ten a.m., sir.”

“I knew that. Okay, well, lunch is forever away so let’s get to work. I’m gonna call all these Goldstein families.”

“Gold Star, sir.”

“Even if the soldier was Jewish?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Our military is so beautiful, General. Much better than the Congress, which is disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves. Can I use the military on Congress?”

“Let me look into that and get back to you, sir.”

“Good, good, wonderful. Okay, let’s make some calls. Watch how much better I do this than Obama, who didn’t even call because he hated the troops and America. Most racist president we’ve ever had. These egghead historians think that the presidents who owned slaves were more racist, but you don’t have to be racist to own slaves. They were businessmen. Obama was far more racist. Who’s the first call?”

“Mr. President, don’t you want to study the biography of the soldier before you–”

“Nope! Gonna wing it. I’ll knock it out of the park. I’m gonna go bing bing bing and get through this and all the widows will say very nice things about me. First!”

“First is a Marine named Dontavious Watts.”



“Maybe he gets a letter. Send a letter. Have the Miller kid write it. He sounds like he gets a letter.”

“Yes, sir.”


“A Special Forces soldier named Rafael Ochoa.”


“Army Captain named Michael Wilkinson.”

“Get the widow on the phone. Wait. How do you spell ‘Michael?'”

“The way you want it to be spelled, sir.”

“Great, good, wonderful. Get the widow on the phone.”


“Hello? Is this the Widow Wilkinson? This is Donald Trump, I’m the president. Wow, big day for you. Talking to the president, huh. Not a lot of people get to do that. You’re very lucky.”

“Oh, you’re at the funeral now?”


“Well, just step away for a minute so you can talk to me. There’s noise in the background and I can’t hear you. This is a very important phone call for both of us, but more for you.”


“Hello? Widow? Hello? Widow? General?”

“Here, sir.”

“General? Where’s my General?”

“Look slightly to your left, sir.”

“General? General? Oh, there you are. That call went so beautifully. No one gives me credit for how I connect to people, but I think the Widow Whatshername will remember that call for a very, very long time. Just beautiful. Who’s next?”

“You sure you don’t want to take a teevee break?”

“No, I’m in the groove. Ten out of ten. That’s how I’m doing, and many people would agree. Ten out of ten. Next!”

“Next is Edward Barbado. He was caught up in an ambush in Afghan–”

“I got it, I got it. Ed is dead. I got it.”

“You’re going to be talking to his mother, sir.”

“Mother, sure, right.”


“No answer. I’ll leave a message.”

“Sir, please do not leave a message.”

“I leave the best…Hello, Mrs. Barbarino. This is Donald Trump. Calling about your son. Very sad. Things like this should never happen, but they do. I have been informed that the plans for the mission he was on when he was shot were drawn up by Obama. Basically, Obama killed your son. Okay, call me back. I’m gonna send you some steaks. Do you like steaks? A big package, I’ll send it out to you. You’re gonna rave about these steaks. Okay.”


“Perfect. That was perfect. I knew I was going to leave a great message, but even I was surprised by how well it turned out. Just perfect.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Should we release the tape of me consoling her so well?”

“No, sir. We really don’t want to do that.”

“I want everyone to see how much better I am at this than all the other presidents. I got it. Bing bing bing.”

“Sir, please don’t–”

“I’m gonna tweet out my condolences to the mother.”

“–tweet out…sir, no.”


“Maybe we should work on a draft before you–”

Mother Barbarian! Your boy did not die in vein! Brave! And I hit send and…”


“Bing bing bing.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I want lunch now.”

“You’ve earned it, sir.”

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Press Conference, 10/16/17

“Great, yes, okay, okay. Me and Mitch, who is one of my great Senators, just had the most beautiful lunch, a really great lunch. We did Monte Cristo sandwiches. A lot of people have forgotten about the Monte Cristo, but it’s just the best sandwich. The people who know about sandwiches give it an A plus. That’s an A plus sandwich. We are great friends having great sandwiches together. Working for America, me and Mitch.

“Tax reform is next week. Ten days, maybe. Next week. We have the votes already. The votes are good, really good votes. We have them. So, next week and we almost know what the plan is. We could do it today! But, we’ll do it next week. It’s really gonna be great.

“Mitch, you got anything to add?”

“I do not.”

“Wonderful, good, great. We are doing such beautiful things for America. We’re getting the wall. I will also be building a wall around any NFL stadium where the players kneel. Jeff Sessions says I can do that. Jeff? Where’s Jeff? Get Jeff out here. Jeff?”


“I hear him. Jeff? Jeff? Okay, great, whatever, Jeff. Tax reform is the big thing now. The United States is the highest-taxed nation in the history of earth. Ever! Romans, Greeks, whatever. All time! The tax rate is around 80%, somewhere around there. Someone told me it was 80%. Someone told me Obama raised it to 80%. I tell you: Obama spent all his time in office raising taxes and kneeling during the National Anthem. Rude blacks. That’s what it is. How can we make America great again when our blacks are so rude?

“We need to do something about the taxes, but the Democrats are obstructionists. Many are rude blacks.

“Okay, questions? John?”

“Mr. President, can you give us some specifics on the tax reform bill?”

“It’s great. When you see this bill, you are gonna be so happy because it’s gonna be so beautiful. People are already coming up to me and complimenting me on the bill. We’re getting the taxes down. Tax reduction is gonna be so easy you won’t believe it.”

“Tax reduction or tax reform, sir?”


“They’re two separate concepts, sir.”

“Hillary Clinton was bribed by the Russians. Did everyone see this on Fox this morning? Very high-rated show, and you can understand why when you watch CNN, which is failing and no one watches. Hillary Clinton met Russians in a pizza place and they gave her a bag full of cash. Maybe they killed some people for her? Some people call her Killary. Mitch, you wanna jump in here?”

“I do not.”

“Great, okay. Next question. April?”

“Mr. President, earlier today you criticized drug companies and also insurance companies, saying that drug companies were charging prices that are too high”

“Way too high. Obamacare was the worst deal since the Iran deal. It is destroying lives. All it was was a giveaway to the insurance companies. These insurance companies, they come into Washington–I call Washington the swamp, it’s a great nickname–they come in to the swamp and spend tons of money. Buying congress up. They give Mitch a ton of money. Right, Mitch?”


“Ton of money. Mitch makes out like a bandit, he’s a real killer. You have never seen such a close relationship as me and Mitch, despite what NBC says. I’m thinking about making NBC illegal. Where’s NBC? NBC?”

“Here, sir.”

“You’re illegal.”

“What the hell are you talk–”

“NBC is illegal. You all heard me. Obama failed to punish the fake news because he was a race-baiter, so I had to do it. Wait. What time is it? Mitch, what time is it?”

“It’s eleven a.m., sir.”

“I gotta make a call. Gimme a minute. Everybody talk about me.”


“Hello, is this the dead soldier’s wife? I’m Donald Trump, the president. I beat Hillary Clinton, so I’m the president. Hello?”

“Okay, great, yes. Very sad. Sad. But, you know: that’s what soldiers do. Die.”

“Ma’am, there were two sides to that firefight. I’m sure there were many fine people on both sides.”

“Stop crying, you’re ridiculous. Listen, I’m gonna send you a set of tires. Isn’t that nice of me? Brand-new, on me.”


“Somebody get her address. Okay, next question. Carl?”

“Mr. President, do you think you handled that in the best possible way? She’s a gold-star widow, sir.”

“Gold star? I don’t care if she did well at her piano lessons.”

“No, sir. Not the little stickers you give to children. It’s an expression for families that have lost a member in military service.”

“Who do you work for?”


“CBS is now illegal.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“I spoke to that widow better than any president has ever spoken to a widow. Most presidents would not call widows. In fact, I am the first president to ever call a widow. Obama used to send the widows form letters and then send the Secret Service to slap them around. Many people have told me that. When General Kelly’s son was killed in action, Obama went to General Kelly’s house and keyed his car. Where’s General Kelly? General, what’s the name of your dead kid? General? Where’s my general?”


“General? I love the general, best general. General? Dead kid? He’s around here somewhere. Was there a mass shooting this week? Are we doing the moment of silence? No? Okay, great. Mitch, you wanna say anything?”

“I do not.”

“Great, the best. Okay, God bless whatever.”

Don’t Read Ahead!

I’m about to blow your minds, Enthusiasts. You need to put on your imagination pants for this one, because it’s a big ask. Ready? Here we go.

Imagine if Trump were handsome.

Told you it was a big ask.

Still, though: do it. Picture Donny with the same facial features, but arranged in a more propitious fashion. Picture him trim and with a human’s tan that came from being outside. Full head of hair.

Got it? Can you see him? Hold that image in your head and scroll down to see that if Trump were handsome, he’d be…



















…the shortest-lived James Bond, George Lazenby.

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