Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: FAQ

Pedophilia: An FAQ

Should I pedophilia?

Do not pedophilia.

Just a little?

Not even a little.

What if it’s by accident? 

Are you gonna be a putz all your life, or are you gonna ask something intelligent?

Why exactly are we discussing this subject?

Because Republicans are now backing a pedophile in a Senate race.

 

We should define our terms. 

You should define my veiny salami.

Ignoring you. Pedophile refers to sexual relations with a child, so I think the word you want–

JAZZ SLAP!

Thank you, Mr. Davis.

“I don’t like that boldface motherfucker.”

Yes sir. We’ll keep it down. Listen, I know people like to throw that hebrewphile (hezbollahphile? ephraimzimbalistjrphile?) bullshit around, but those people are pedants and perverts. Words drift. Decimate doesn’t mean killing a tenth of your legions anymore. Pedophilia means any sexual acts between adults and non-adults, the line between being 18 years old.

Each state sets its own age of consent and–

Eighteen.

Years.

Old.

You feel strongly about this.

As should we all. This is America: we drive on the right, and we don’t fuck children.

Succinct. Who are we talking about?

Roy Moore. Was there a sheriff in Porky’s?

Even if there wasn’t, I know who you’re talking about.

Well, imagine the sheriff’s a judge. He’s so bad at his job he gets removed from the bench twice.

How is that even possible?

Alabama.

Sure.

That’s beside the point. The pedophilia is beside the point that the man is completely unqualified for the job and has made statements and issued opinions that should get him chased back into his vermin hole. This is beside the racism and homo-hating. This beside the years-long fight he made the state pay for after installing a giant Ten Commandments sculpture on his courthouse lawn, then refusing to remove it after higher courts said, “Are you kidding me with this?” We’re just here for the pedophilia.

Can you stop saying that word?

I could say “child-fucking.”

Oh, no, that’s worse.

The Anglo-Saxon vocabulary is a blunter one than the Greek.

What did this guy do?

Trolled malls for teenieboppers. Once, he yoinked a kid out of the courthouse’s lobby.

That’s no good.

Not even a little.

How do we know these facts?

The magical power of journalism.

So he hasn’t been found guilty in a court of law? Why are you liberals always so anxious to ram your salty cocks into our nothingburgers?

I think you mixed up a few right-wing memes there, buddy.

I’ve been drinking.

Sure. This is not about legal proceedings. This is a political campaign. Two women have come forward to tell stories about this man assaulting them as teens. Others have corroborated. More are coming. His denials have been confused, contradictory, and equivocating. He did it. People knew about it. He was “Teenfuckin’ Roy.” Motherfucker got banned from the mall.

Why hasn’t he dropped out of the race?

Because shameless people have no shame.

Does he still have supporters?

Oh, yes.

What kind of just God would allow 2017 to happen?

Excellent question.

Who is still backing a pedophile?

Two camps: the deniers and the dissemblers. The deniers have stuck their fingers in their ears and sung Dixie at the top of their lungs, punctuated by the occasional whoop of “Fake News!”

I’m always amazed at what human beings have the capacity to deny.

There are people who don’t think the Dark Ages happened, and Charlemagne was made up.

I can’t believe we’re allowed to be in charge of ourselves.

Many of us are not right in the head.

What about the dissemblers?

This group has several avenues of argument. They are:

  1. Democrats are worse than pedophiles.
  2. Tax Reform is worth electing a pedophile to the Senate.
  3. It was just light pedophilia.
  4. And it was white girls.
  5. Not…
  6. …you know.
  7. Hey, look: Al Franken.

Those arguments are monstrous and evince a complete lack of morality or decency.

Yes.

We’re through the looking-glass here, aren’t we?

There is no looking-glass. It broke. We broke the looking-glass and left it about 900 miles behind us. The looking-glass no longer has any relevance on our current situation. Pedophilia was the third rail. There’s an old saying that Social Security is the third rail of American politics, but it was really pedophilia. But I guess they switched the power off, because the White House and the Republican Party of Alabama are holding on tight to that sucker.

In their defense, the national party and the Senate leadership has come out strongly against Moore. Wait. The White House?

Basketball Head waded into the debacle today.

Did he help?

As much as always. He said that he believed Moore’s denials.

It’s weird whose denials he chooses to believe.

Pedophiles, Nazis, and Putin.

Weird.

Weird.

So pedophilia’s okay now?

We’re gonna let the people of Alabama decide.

The End Of The World: A FAQ

David Meade, the self-described “specialist in research and investigations,” has earned a fair amount of publicity online for predicting that catastrophic events would soon befall Earth.

Among his claims: On Saturday, Sept. 23, 2017, a constellation — a sign prophesied in the Book of Revelation — would reveal itself in the skies over Jerusalem, signaling the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. Meade believes that by the end of October, the world may enter what’s called a seven-year tribulation period, a fairly widespread evangelical belief that for seven years, catastrophic events would happen.

He also claims that a planet called Nibiru, which has been debunked by NASA as a hoax, is headed toward Earth. When it passes the planet later this year, Meade claims, catastrophe in the form of earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tidal waves and others would ensue. – ‘The Man Whose Biblical Doomsday Claim Has Some Nervously Eyeing September 23,” Washington Post, 9/20/17

World ending again?

Yup.

Seems like the end of the world comes around regularly.

It’s been almost five years since the last time the world ended, so we were due.

The Mayans. That was fun.

We were so much older then; we’re Mayan than that now.

I forget: did the world actually end?

No.

Not at all?

Not even a little bit.

Aw.

It would have been nice. Wouldn’t have had to live through 2016.

True. When did the world start ending?

The very second it began. Like, the very first prediction ever made was that the world was gonna end on Friday.

Why?

Humans feel they’re owed excitement in their lives. And we’re pretty fucking stupid.

Speak for yourself.

I do. I’m dimwitted and gullible as a concussed toddler, and I’m one of the smart ones. All of us are dopes: fancy doctors and those with grudges against trees, all of us. We can’t see past the fire’s light, so we make up stories about what’s out there in the dark.

And this leads to a belief in Armageddon?

Sometimes.

Sometimes?

You believe that things happen for a reason?

Sometimes.

There ya go. You got a name?

Sure.

The fuck you do. Point to it. You have a story. That’s what a name is. Just a story, but when you hear your name, your heart beats faster and your pupils dilate. It’s your favorite sound in the whole wide world. Brain lights up like sodium hitting a swimming pool when your name’s called. Just a story, though. Why shouldn’t people believe the world’s gonna end? We believe six dumber things before breakfast.

But why do we keep falling for the end of the world jive?

Maybe because we can’t bear the thought of life continuing without us. Maybe we listened to the wrong preacher, or read the wrong book, or found the wrong website. Doesn’t matter. People love the end of the world and will until the end of the world.

It does happen a lot, though.

Oh, yeah.

One of these days, someone’s gonna guess right.

Possibly.

But it’s not the guy who says it’s happening this week.

Nah.

The Eclipse: An FAQ

What is an eclipse?

A shitty Japanese car.

No, that’s an Eclipse. What is an eclipse?

A rapper.

No, that’s Eeklipz. Stop fucking around.

A solar eclipse is when the moon passes directly between earth and the sun; this causes the sun to disappear for a minute or two. A lunar eclipse is when the earth passes between the sun and the moon, which blots out the moon for a similar period of time.

The sun just goes away?

Yup. Middle of the day. Boom.

That must have scared the shit out of people back in the day.

Oh, yeah. Mass sacrifice, armies would turn tail and run home, goats would explode. Imagine it: you’re walking around minding your own business at three in the afternoon, nice sunny day, and WHAMMO it’s pitch-black for a couple minutes. And, you know: the sun was pretty much God to most of these ancient fuckers, so they didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. I guess the ones who stared at the sun went blind. Everybody probably shit, though.

You can’t look at an eclipse? But the sun’s not there.

It is most certainly still there. The moon’s in front of it so you can’t see it, but the cosmic hoodoo the sun spits out will still fry your eyeballs if you look at it.

How can I view the eclipse, then?

Through your phone or a camera lens.* Or with special glasses that you can’t buy anymore and are almost certainly Chinese knock-offs that won’t work and will leave you blind.

What about that thing with the cardboard and the pinhole?

If you want to look like a second-grader on a field trip, sure. Oh, wait: Trump supporters can look directly at the eclipse.

Really?

Yeah. They’re immune from any ill effect. Trust me. In fact, they should start staring at the sun about an hour before the transit just so they can get some context.

I think you’re telling fibs.

No, I’m deliberately trying to hurt people.

Putting that aside. How often do eclipses happen?

Often. You can have anywhere from two to five eclipses in a calendar year.

So why is this one getting so much attention?

Because the earth is 66% ocean, so 66% of eclipses can only be seen from the ocean. Or way out in the hinterlands. Humans occupy the whole planet, but we only take up a little bit of it. Hell, this one’s cannonballing across the good ol’ USA and it still only hits four major-ish cities. The path of totality is only 70 miles wide. Plus, you know: it might be cloudy.

So much is dependent on the weather.

Verily.

When did humans start predicting eclipses?

Forever ago. When the sun disappears, the king puts his best brains on the job right away. Everyone figured it out: Greeks, Mayans, Chinese. Eclipses occur in regular patterns, so if you pay attention for a while, you can figure out the math and start predicting them.

Why do eclipses occur in patterns?

The cosmic ballet.

Just say that you don’t know.

Because everything in the universe rotates around something else. And while rotating, everything wobbles a little bit. These wobbles have a cycle to them.

That doesn’t explain anything.

Those three sentences literally explain orbital mechanics. And the tides. And the seasons.

No one likes a smartass.

Well aware of that, thank you.

End with an interesting story, please.

Sure. There was a place called Babylonia.

I heard they had condos made of stone-a.

Nicely done. Anyway, the Babylonians were some clever bastards. They invented just about everything.

What about the Chinese?

The Chinese also invented everything. I’m talking about the Western hemisphere. The Babylonians invented maps and writing and math and irrigation and the sailboat.

Wow.

Haven’t even mentioned the big thing yet.

Fidget spinners?

Kinda. They figured out the wheel. More specifically, the axle.

Fucking nerds.

Yup. And they also were the first folks we know of (who weren’t Chinese) that figured out the sky. That everything was in motion, and that motion was regular and could therefore be predicted. Cycles of the moon, movement of the planets, all that stuff. Plus eclipses.

Sound like some forward-thinking people.

Sure, but wait. Like I said: the sun was God to the majority of the world before the monotheisms and whatnot took over. (Even after that, most deities are still associated with the sun. Jesus is literally the son.) And, of course, the king was put on his throne by God.

Of course.

So for the sun to disappear in the middle of the day was seen as not propitious for the king.

But you said the Babylonians knew that eclipses were natural phenomena.

I didn’t mean all of them. Most Babylonians were farmers or merchants or craftsmen or whatnot. The rich fuckers might have understood that eclipses were just really big math problems, but your average guy or gal thought a dragon was eating the sun.

Dummies. We’re smarter than that.

You been watching the news lately?

I retract my statement.

Okay, so: an eclipse makes the king look bad. It’s like being president when an economic bubble bursts: might not be your fault, but you’re getting blamed for it. So what the Babylonians would do is find themselves a temp.

A temporary king?

A farmer or a gardener or a criminal. A patsy. The real king would dress up in rags and the new guy would put on the robes and say the prayers–I’m sure animals were sacrificed, too–and now the schmuck is the king.

Like in History of the World.

Pretty much. Then, when the eclipse was over, the men would switch places once again, and the king would thank the pauper by giving him a plot of land and a pension.

Really?

Fuck, no. Executed in public to appease the gods.

That sounds right.

Past was terrible.

Anything else we should know?

If you make a baby during the eclipse, it will be a werewolf.

Good to know.

Keep it in mind.

 

*It turns out that this is terrible advice and will destroy your phone or camera.

Libel: An FAQ

What is libel?

Defamation of character issued via print.

What’s a helpful mnemonic for remembering the difference between libel and slander?

Letters are Libel, but Speeches are Slander.

That is helpful, thank you.

I aim to please.

Why is libel illegal? Doesn’t the First Amendment give you the right to say anything you want?

It does not say that at all. It says that government may make no law abridging the freedom of speech. Neither the American system of law, nor any other culture that has ever existed, has allowed citizens the right to say anything they want. Some speech has been, is, and always will be illegal.

Such as?

Depends on if you’re talking or writing. Inciting a riot, phoning in a bomb threat, slander: these are the spoken no-no’s. Threatening to kill someone you could do out loud or on paper, so that one counts in both categories. Typographically, libel is pretty much it.

Great. What ever happened to freedom?

What? As far as freedom of speech goes, the United States is way ahead of most of the world. We’re fetishistic about it, even to the point where it actively harms society at times. The courts let Nazis march in Skokie.

I hate Illinois Nazis.

Worst kind. But as weird as freedom of speech can get at times, it’s better than whatever the fuck’s going on in Europe. You get arrested for making Hitler jokes over there.

You get fired for making them here.

And that’s fine. Private organizations can refuse to do business with people they deem deleterious to their bottom line. Government shouldn’t be able to come after you for your speech, even if it’s repellent.

So why is libel against the law?

Because there’s a difference between speech that is repellent and speech that is intended to cause harm. Libel isn’t just “writing something mean about a person.” There’s a list of requirements that have to be checked off before a statement qualifies as libelous.

Such as?

Well, first it has to be a lie. Can’t be libel if it’s true.

Sounds reasonable.

Second, you have to prove the plaintiff was making a factual statement, and not rendering an opinion.

I don’t understand.

“The parson is a heroin addict” can be libelous, if it’s not true. “The parson acts like he’s addicted to heroin” cannot be libel, even if it’s false and you intended harm by the statement.

This is complicated.

So very. Plus, if the parson is a public figure, the difficulty level is raised. Let’s say the parson becomes the Bishop of El Paso. You write about the Bishop’s heroin addiction in the newspaper. As a public figure, he would have to prove that not only was the statement false, but also that you knew the statement was false.

It sounds like getting a libel conviction is tough.

We’re not done. Also covered is parody and satire. Which means you can lie about someone, know that what you were writing was a lie, but if a reasonable person could understand it as a joke, you can’t be found liable for libel.

But that’s it, right?

Oh, no. There are way more defenses. My favorite is that some people are un-libel-able. Their reputations are so shitty that you can basically say or print whatever you’d like about them, because their character was already so impugned that nothing could possibly lower it.

I can’t think of anyone that would fit into that category.

No, not a single living soul.

Why are we talking about libel?

Because the King of Mount Bullshit wants to change the libel laws because the press is being mean to him.

Can he do that?

No.

Can you explain further?

Noooooooo.

Really?

He just fucking can’t. First of all, there are no federal libel laws; they’re all at the state level. Second, the Constitution–archaic as it may be–is rather clear about freedom of speech, so any mucking around with it would require a Constitutional amendment and this bunch of half-bright assholes can’t even get a bill through a Congress they control. The President of the United States has a vast array of powers, but this ain’t one of them.

Does he know that?

No. The president doesn’t know how our government works.

Careful, he might accuse you of libel.

The truth is an absolute defense.

The Death Penalty: An FAQ

What is the death penalty?

Really? The name gives it away.

Don’t be a dick.

The death penalty is when the government kills you for being bad.

I repeat: don’t be a dick.

The death penalty is state-performed murder, a shameful and vestigial remnant of our savage past, and a pathetic reminder of the mean heart and blind dicksuckery of Americans.

There you go. The death penalty is a grand and ancient tradition, though.

Hell, yeah. The first knot humanity leaned to tie was a noose. In fact, throughout most of history, you would be lucky to get the death penalty.

Explain.

“Death penalty” implies that it’s the state executing you, which means maybe you had a chance to plead your case somewhere along the way, or get a last meal; most of the time, criminals would be beaten to death in the street by a mob.

Oh.

Or, you know: a guy that the mob mistook for the criminal. Or a woman accused of being a witch.

The past was terrible.

It was, yes. Luckily, we’ve managed to preserve a goodly chunk of it known as capital punishment. Like historical re-enactors with corpses.

Do any other countries still execute criminals?

Sure, tons of them.

Any decent ones?

Nope. All of the shittiest place, and us.

Yay. I’ve noticed you’ve dismissed the death penalty out of hand. Some people are in favor of it.

Fuck ’em; they’re wrong.

Would you like to make an argument or just curse in a folksy manner?

The state should not be given the power of life and death over its citizens. And holy shit should some of the states not be given that power. You know who runs Arkansas? River otters in glasses, and they’re corrupt. The people in charge of this decision should in no way be in charge of this decision, so my vote is to take it from their hands. Shit, the only reason that capital punishment exists at the state level is that dopey Tenth Amendment.

Which one was that?

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Oh.

Which is such a fucking punt. “Whatever we forgot, you guys take care of, ‘kay?” Reminds you that the document we hold so sacred is the compromise between slavers and people who just wanted to do business with slavers.

This is just a pragmatic argument, though.

Those are the best ones.

But not very lofty.

You want righteousness and morality? Sure. On the question of the death penalty, there are two sides: one of them counts among its members a large hooded man with an axe. He is a murderer, and that is the wrong side to be on.

Capital punishment is not murder.

Of course it is. Premeditated and with malice aforethought

Some would disagree with your definition of “malice.”

Why do we execute? To punish? Because the will to punish is malicious. Is it the will to revenge? To obliterate, to make non-existent? Are these not malicious?

But isn’t the desire for revenge natural?

One of the basest and most primal of needs is for revenge. But a government isn’t a person, and it shouldn’t abide by the rules of vendetta.

What about serial killers?

They are so scary.

We shouldn’t execute serial killers, or child rapists, or terrorists?

Listen, I’m not saying that some motherfuckers don’t need to die. I’m saying that the government shouldn’t be the to one do it.

Which method of execution would you choose?

Giant slingshot against a brick wall, and everybody can watch. Put on a show for the people.

You’re a good guy.

I am, yeah.

Homosexuality: An FAQ

What is homosexuality?

Something you try in summer camp. And college. Once or twice in your thirties, but that’s it.

Please don’t start being weird this early.

At the basest definition, homosexuality is erotic behavior between two similarly-sexed members of the same species.

Same species? There can’t be interspecies homosexuality?

No.

Why not?

Because I said so, and if the raccoonfuckers out there have a problem with it, then they can leave a comment. Homosexuals have enough problems without being lumped in with farm pervs.

We’re straying from the topic.

We tend to do that.

You said “species.” This implies homosexuality is widespread within the animal kingdom.

And you inferred it. Good job. Sure, yeah: animals are gay as shit. Slapping their weird dicks together, rubbing their scary cooters on each other.

Why?

They like it.

Sure. Which animal is the gayest?

Gibbon.

Least gay?

Anteater.

So: humans can also be homosexuals?

Wow, do you sound like a Martian when you say shit like that.

I am not a Martian.

You know when I say “Martian,” I refer to all alien species. I’m using the word as a bit of a synecdoche.

Not from any planet other than Earth.

Earth’s awesome.

The best.

The best? How could you know that unless you have something to compare it to?

Please stop accusing me of things.

Got my eye on you, Mork. Yes, humans can be homosexuals.

Always?

I don’t understand. Like, are homosexuals always homosexuals? Yes, except for some people who are only gay during full moons. They are called werehomosexuals.

I meant: has there always been homosexuality within the human experience? History and all that hooey.

Yes and no. People have always been getting it on, but “homosexuality” as a concept in western civilization has only been around for 150 years or so. German guy thought it up.

What? How do you invent homosexuality?

You don’t. But this guy–Ulrichs–argued that it wasn’t that people did gay stuff, but that some people were gay. Intrinsically so. He took the descriptor off the act and put it on the actor. He wrote a very influential book.

What was it called?

Research on the Riddle of Man-Manly Love.

I’m guessing that’s a poor translation.

Poor? It’s perfect. Now, Ulrichs didn’t invent the term “homosexual,” but he really was what could be called the first gay rights activist.

How’d it work out for him?

Germany criminalized sodomy the year after he wrote his book.

That was fast.

Efficient fuckers.

Sodomy?

Buttfucking. Or buttfucking in the mouth. Whichever, but not man-on-lady buttfucking. I mean: that was frowned upon, but sodomy laws are always aimed at gays.

Have there been many sodomy laws?

So many. Guess when they started. Just guess.

Was it immediately after the Roman Empire turned Christian?

It totally was.

Wow. Why was the Church so against sodomy?

Because they felt guilty about doing it themselves. And it’s a good method of control, but mostly the psychological stuff: the One True Church is gayer than Epcot Center.

Epcot Center’s gay?

Married his longtime boyfriend Universal Studios last year.

Good for them. So, governments have been officially anti-homosexual for almost 2,000 years?

Yup.

You almost have to admire the tenacity.

I’m not going to. Fuck ’em all forever for what they did to people.

You’re holding a grudge against the Visigoths?

As should all right-thinking people.

Can we talk about America?

I love talking about America.

We’ve noticed. What is the history of homosexuality in America?

One morning, Lewis turned to Clark and said–

Stop that.

–“Open up those golden gates. California, here I come!” Then Pocahontas ate Lewis’ ass while he got his fuck on.

None of that is true.

No. The levels of hygiene necessary to eat ass would not have been available on the frontier.

No wet-wipes. Be serious.

The Puritans were not fans of the gay lifestyle.

I am shocked.

They didn’t even want you touching your own dick, let alone the dick of some stranger you met on Bucklr.

Bucklr?

Dating app for gay puritans.

Sure. Let’s move forward in time.

Turn of the century saw two things: first American gay rights activist, and the first vice raids on gay establishments.

Who was the first American gay rights activist?

Emma Goldman.

From the Statue of Liberty?

The very one.

I don’t believe you. Next, you’ll tell me that Helen Keller was a Communist.

All true.

Raids?

There was no internet. You wanted to get laid, you had to leave your house. You went to a bar or a bathhouse, but they were all illegal and run by criminals and the cops could come bursting in any minute. You’d be arrested just for being in the place.

Why?

Because some people will be as cruel as they are allowed to be.

That makes me sad.

It fucking should.

Things are better now, though.

So much. This is the best time to be a member of the LGBT community. Or maybe two years ago. Right now is a little worse than two years ago, but things are much better for a general definition of now. Ancient Greece was pretty good, but we have medicine and cartoons.

LGBT?

L is for Lesbian.

We haven’t mentioned lesbians.

It’s okay. They’re used to it.

I don’t understand.

Lesbians are the most ignored demographic in society. They always get subsumed by the G in the initialism, which is for Gay, and they resent it deeply.

You would think gays and lesbians would get along.

Only if you didn’t know anything about humans, Martian.

Not a Martian.

I suppose you think poor people all band together and fight The Man instead of forming gangs and fighting each other. People fuck whoever’s closest; people fight whoever’s closest.

Could be. What about B?

Bisexual.

Right. They’ll fuck anything.

No. That’s offensive and just plain wrong. Bisexuals will not fuck anything. They’ll fuck anyone.

Big difference.

There is. You were insinuating that bisexuals were rubbing up against lampposts and shit.

Explain bisexuality.

I can’t, but Alfred Kinsey did. Well, he halfway did. Kinsey said that an individual’s sexual preference fell somewhere on a scale from one to six. Completely heterosexual with a visceral revulsion to  homosexual acts would be a one; vice versa would be a six.

Why one to six?

I don’t know. That’s the dumb part. Makes more sense if you think of the Bell Curve.

I’m picturing a Bell Curve.

All natural human behavior and attributes can be plotted on a Bell Curve. Height, weight, acuity of vision: small number to either extreme with the majority regressing to the mean. Sexuality, too. Some folks are pathologically gay, some are clinically straight, and most everybody else is in the middle.

So why are there so few bisexuals?

Society frowns upon it, and people are taught it’s wrong.

You’re giving too much weight to culture. We’re talking about primal urges here. Sexual desire is not programmed by society.

Oh, shut the fuck up. Tell that to the guy with the boner for the chick with the ashtray implanted in her lip. Sexual behavior is human behavior and therefore highly dependent on context. Nature demands we get boners–and ladyboners–but culture decides what we get them to.

So your theory is that the great mass of humanity is bisexual by nature, but straight because of society.

It is, yes.

Do you have any evidence whatsoever?

I don’t, no.

Moving on. Is homosexuality genetic?

Possibly. Some think so.

Could it be learned, or influenced by outside factors?

Maybe. Others think so.

Who’s right?

Probably both sides. It might be a genotype/phenotype thing. Raise LeBron James in North Korea and he’s not 6’7″. Linking behavior and mindset to genes is a tricky business, and usually reductive and half-right at best. Besides, genes only want two things: to not die, and to make copies of themselves. From that point of view, homosexuality looks like a terrible strategy. On the other hand, a lot of genes keep you from reproducing.

You seem dismissive of the genetic theory.

I’m dismissive of any theory positing a one-to-one relationship between genes and behavior that entirely discounts culture. Humans aren’t a pile of DNA acting on instinct. We’re the product of our environments. There’s no such thing as a “pure” human, untouched by the soiled hands of society. Children have been raised like that, brought up without any human contact, and they weren’t pure. They were broken. Culture tells us how to eat, sleep, work, and fuck. It tells us how to go crazy: psychological disorders that exist in one culture don’t exist in the next. Schizophrenics all hear voices, but they say different things in different countries. Culture is everything.

Okay. Anything else you don’t like about the theory?

Yes. It stigmatizes homosexuality. To say that it’s purely genetic is to imply that no one would choose such a thing; it turns homosexuality into a chronic condition.

What does the T stand for?

Transgendered. It’s a whole thing. Skip it for now.

Last question.

Shoot.

Why are there so many homosexuals in show business?

The dental plan.

Sure.

Racism: An FAQ

What is racism?

The worst breakfast cereal in the world.

Stop that.

Racism is the belief in abstractions and the general rather than facts and the individual. It’s a system based on a lot of underlying assumptions that aren’t true.

Such as?

That there’s such a thing as a “race.”

You’re saying all humans are alike?

Of course not. Let’s start at the beginning. Homo Sapiens originated in Africa, correct?

Present-day Kenya.

Right. We hadn’t figured out how to make clothes yet, so we had to have evolved someplace warm. We start in Kenya and then the first wave of emigration goes north to Europe.

They became the Neanderthals.

Also right. Then 100,000 years later, a second wave of migration went out from Africa. These folks–genetically identical to us, able to procreate with a modern-day human–went into Europe and either ate the Neanderthals or fucked them to death. This second wave spread all over the globe: to Asia, India, the Pacific, South America, and across the Bering land bridge into North America.

A succinct telling of a long story.

And then when everyone got to where they were getting to, they just kinda stayed there for several dozen thousand years. This led to breeding groups, also known as ethnicities.

Ethnicity is different from race?

Yes, ethnic groups actually exist. The human beings that evolved in Australia are genetically different from the ones that evolved in North Africa.

How different?

Little tiny bit. They look slightly dissimilar and may exhibit conflicting responses to lactose. Otherwise? Mostly the same size, mostly the same shape, able to procreate with ease.

With ease?

If there’s one thing humans are good at, it’s making babies with strangers.

Sure.

Compare people to dogs: say, a Pomeranian and an Irish Wolfhound. We’ve got a hell of a lot less genetic diversity, and remember that we’re just talking about the measurable stuff here. Racism is based in the nebulous.

What do you mean?

The racist believes not just that there are races of human, but also that each race has an unalterable capacity for such nebulous concepts as “intelligence” and “civilization” and “propensity for violence,” and therefore the best race should be in charge.

Which race is that?

Guess.

White?

Generally.

White people are not the only racists.

Oh, no. Asians are racist as shit.

So why are we only talking about white people?

I see no point in talking about anything other than America.

You make an excellent point.

I know. God bless us.

And the Allfather.

Strong is he.

So strong. But: can’t black people be racist?

They can be bigoted.

What’s the difference?

Bigoted is the finger you get from another driver, racist is the cops pulling you over. Racism is the philosophy the majority employs to rationalize its actions towards the minority. “They are lesser, you see” racism says, “so we had to treat them that way for their own good.”

That was the past, though.

No.

The past wasn’t racist?

Oh, God, no. The past was the most racist place on Earth.

I’m talking about the present.

The present is definitely, demonstrably, demarcably less racist than the past.

So, we’re past all that?

Under no circumstances. In fact, racism is making a big comeback. Racism is the new black.

I’m pretty sure that’s offensive.

Me, too. But, yeah: this is not your father’s racism. For example, there are now what’s called “racial realists.”

What’s that mean?

Racist assholes.

Oh.

And there’s “Identitarians.”

Ooh. What’s that?

Racist assholes. Also, there’s Nationalists and the Alt-Right and Defenders of Western Civilization and Neoreactionaries.

What are those?

Racist assholes. They’re all just racist assholes, but they like to squabble with each other, so they form their little groups and misinterpret evolutionary psychology at one another.

But the general public isn’t racist any more. We had a black president!

And look who followed him.

Well, I’m going to need some sources if you’re going to call Donald Trump a racist.

He hasn’t run up and down Broadway screaming “nigger,” if that’s what you’re asking for.

Then how do you know he’s a racist?

He hired Jeff Sessions.

I’ll give you that. So: what is racism?

The last refuge of the chinless.

I’ll give you that, too.

%d bloggers like this: