Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: florida

Choogle The Vote

  • This is some good paper the ballot’s printed on, thick: you could write a thank-you note to the fanciest person in the world with this paper stock.
  • Being Florida, the ballot’s in English and Spanish (I’m sure they do this in other states, too) and every time I see Spanish written down, I think what a good idea the upside-down question marks at the beginning of a sentence are; in English, you don’t know what kind of sentence you’re reading until the end, but Spanish warns you up front about the content.
  • Something I am proud of myself for: never having heard of any of the judges up for election, I looked them up on the Google and voted for the guy all the major papers endorsed.
  • Something I am not proud of: I voted for several people solely because I thought their names were funny, or because they shared their last name with an ex-girlfriend.
  • An incomplete listing of the funny names on the 2016 Florida ballot: Rocky De La Fuente, which sounds like a character in a screenplay set in Mexico by a white guy who has never been there; Basil E. Dalack, which is an anagram for Labia Lacks Ed; and Taniel Shant, whose body was found washed up on a beach in Australia under very mysterious circumstances.
  • (Foreign Enthusiasts may think I buried the lede two bullet points back: we elect judges in America. You’re probably thinking that’s a terrible idea, but you’re thinking it in a silly accent. Regardless of how ludicrous all of you sound: you’re right; it’s a terrible idea.)
  • fullsizerender
  • Nasty.
  • At this point, it behooves one to mention that Hillary Clinton is going to be the first woman to hold the Oval Office, and that’s a big fucking deal, as Joe Biden would say; he’d be correct, but once again: men have ruined everything for women.
  • Women can’t have anything nice, can they?
  • Speaking of women, I will not be voting for Marco Rubio.
  • That was sexist.
  • But true: he’s smooth and feminine, and has wide hips that a baby could slide right out of.
  • A lazy, thirsty, prematurely balding, free-spending baby.

And, Enthusiasts, there is the state constitution to think about: it may be amended in Florida by a 60% super-majority, and there are four questions before the electorate.

Number 1 – Article X, Section 29

This amendment establishes a right under Florida’s constitution for consumers to own or lease solar equipment installed on their property to generate electricity for their own use. State and local governments shall retain their abilities to protect consumer rights and public health, safety and welfare, and to ensure that consumers who do not choose to install solar are not required to subsidize the costs of backup power and electric grid access to those who do.

Which sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Straightforward, right? Any lawyers out there? See it yet? Four words.

“…for their own use.”

This amendment, it turns out, was written by the energy companies to protect their market hold by enshrining their supremacy into the state constitution. Don’t trust me, look it up.

Fillmore South votes NO on 1.

Number 2 – Article X, Section 29

Allows medical use of marijuana for individuals with debilitating medical conditions as determined by a licensed Florida physician. Allows caregivers to assist patients’ medical use of marijuana. The Department of Health shall register and regulate centers that produce and distribute marijuana for medical purposes and shall issue identification cards to patients and caregivers. Applies only to Florida law. Does not immunize violations of federal law or any non-medical use, possession or production of marijuana.

Obviously, Fillmore South votes YES on 2.

Number 3 – Article VII, Section 6

Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to authorize a first responder, who is totally and permanently disabled as a result of injuries sustained in the line of duty, to receive relief from ad valorem taxes assessed on homestead property, if authorized by general law. If approved by voters, the amendment takes effect January 1, 2017.

What am I, a monster? Fillmore South votes YES on 3.

Number 5* – Article VII, Section 6

Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to revise the homestead tax exemption that may be granted by counties or municipalities for property with just value less than $250,000 owned by certain senior, low-income, long-term residents to specify that just value is determined in the first tax year the owner applies and is eligible for the exemption. The amendment takes effect January 1, 2017, and applies retroactively to exemptions granted before January 1, 2017.

I was told in no uncertain terms by several of my relatives how to vote. TotD is a good boy, and so therefore Fillmore South votes YES on 5.

*There’s no 4 because it was eaten by an alligator on bath salts.

The True Spirit Of Florida

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Courtesy everyone’s favorite Cascadian, Mr. Completely, comes this candid shot taken of TotD during Hurricane Matthew.

Law Come To Get You If You Don’t Act Right

“He had no criminal record … he was a good kid,” Martin County Sheriff William Snyder told reporters Tuesday, adding that Harrouff had no apparent relationship to his victims and that the attack seemed to be “completely random.”- “Florida College Student Kills Couple, Eats Victim’s Face, Officials Say” Buzzfeed, 8/17/16

“Good morning. My name is William Snyder, and I’m the Sheriff here in Martin County. I’d like to thank the press for coming, and I hope we can clear the air about some inaccuracies that have been levied towards me, and my comments from the other day.

“Obviously, when I said he was a good kid, I meant except for the face-eating. I won’t sugarcoat it: that young man messed up. Big time. This is the kind of thing that employers just don’t like to see, even if it was only once.

“This is a tragedy. For the dead couple, yes, but also for Mr. Harouff’s parents, Bob and Marsha, who did not raise him to eat any part of people, let alone their faces. A fraternity has lost a brother. A college has lost a scholar. Several young women have lost their future date rapist. Just going by gut instinct on that last one.

“Again, I have to emphasize what a fine young man Mr. Harouff was right up until that very second he sunk his teeth into two strangers’ faces in a Florida garage for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Throughout high school, he tutored the younger students in math; he was kind to animals; he was polite on social media. If you were to pick a day from his life at random, then statistically it will not be a day when he ate anyone.

“Our investigation continues, and any further inquiries should be directed to our office’s spokesperson, Officer Jenkins. Thank you.

“Why didn’t we shoot him? He was white, and we’re in Florida. No more questions.”

Let Me Be The One To Show You

Sometimes, when you live in Florida, you get eaten by alligators or other Floridians. Other times, you awake to the smell of an ocean ruined by algae that no politician can figure out where it came from, even though it comes from the sugar processing plants in the Everglades. Occasionally, you know you left your superstar basketball player right there in Miami, and then he is not there anymore.

But once in a while, you get roused from bed by a stanced Honda with giant subwoofers blasting out Hair Metal power ballads. (I swear I am not making this up.)

Single And Ready Flamingo

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Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?

“Flamingo.”

“FLAMINGO!”

“Flamingo.”

“FLAMINGO!”

Great. Any chance this conversation gets any better?

“Flamingo?”

We’re done.

The Highway, The Moon, The Clouds, And The Cars

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This will be the year that God loses His patience with us, and it will look exactly like this. I wish I had gotten a video, because the cloud (scientific name: terrorpoof) moved across the width of the sky in the space of two or three traffic lights. That sumbitch was moving like it was late for court

Iguana be Sedated

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Hey, iguana. Whatcha doing?

“Crossing the road.”

My God, it’s happening.

“You’re thinking about chickens.”

Dammit.

“There’s a lake over there. Probably a lot of bugs.”

I am impressed that you’re in the crosswalk.

“I’m a reptile, not an asshole.”

Sure. Listen: any chance I could pick you up and carry you where you wanna go?

“No, I would skitter away.”

You seem so reasonable, though.

“Right, but still: reptile. Reptiles skitter away.”

What if I made friendly noises?

“Skitter.”

Ah, well. Good luck, man.

“Hail Hydra.”

What?

“Nothing. Later.”

Am I Being Detained?

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“Sir, can we see some identification?”

“Fuck you, cop.”

“Stay there, sir.”

“I go where I want.”

“I will tase you!”

“It’ll bounce off. Fuck you.”

“Last warning, sir!”

“Shut up or I’ll eat you.”

A Grateful Dead Movie

Best Set: First!

Second-best Set: Second!

Set List: Fairly standard for the era!

Show Highlight: SUGAR BEGONIAS! Seriously, do yourself a favor and listen to the seamless perfection of the transition. It got a round of applause in the theater. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn they practiced.

Small Favor: This film was not presented in 3D.

Shortest shorts: Wild guess!

Highest Light: Bird Song! Nice laid back jam at the end and Garcia’s voice still had its last tinges of sweetness. (You ever hear his voice crack on a high note, or slip and slide around the pitch like the rest of them? No…and no fair bringing up the laryngitis shows.)

Lowest Light: Eyes! That they at least had the courtesy to not play it for thirty-five minutes is the kindest thing that can be said about this particular rendition.

Love Light: And leave it on!

Goddamn Bullshit: $12.50 for the ticket, 11.50 for the popcorn and coke! (I am physically unable to stop myself from ordering the Jumbo Combo Snack Pack. I have watched precisely one movie in my life without popcorn and a coke: Super Cop with Jackie Chan. Atkins diet. Never again.)

Nicest Tradition: Smoke break during drums/space! You meet the nicest, most reasonable people during the drums/space bathroom-smoke-wander around break. They, too, refuse to coddle those muppets for the 85 minutes an evening they took to whack on things and play bloopy noises.

Saddest Thought: Maybe there’ll be a lady there and…I don’t want to talk about it.

Secret Hero: Brent! Brent was all over this show–musically–and he got as much camera time as anyone but Garcia. He’s fun to watch, too: throwing himself up and down his B-3 and smacking at its keys to produce that ‘ducka ducka’ sound. Plus, he’s got very large, very blue eyes that poke out from the Gimli of Gloin beard covering the rest of his face, and he zeroes in on Garcia with utter joy. I think there were pictures of his little girls taped to his piano and then he would look at Garcia and it was all very sad.

Average Age: Not all that young! Lot of sandals, too. Plus: a crazy guy! Old grizzled hippie-biker guy who apparently thought 7:00 PM at the Boynton Beach Plexiplex was going to turn into an acid test and we would all lube ourselves up with butter topping and do some sort of movie-orgy. He did have one good line, though: when Garcia lit up on-screen, Biker Guy chastised him, “Those things’ll kill ya!”

Best Factoid: Floor mats! Bobby, Phil, and Garcia had, laying on top of the rugs, what looked like floor mats right in front of their mikes. I was confused until I half-remembered that they were pressure pads that turned the mike on as they stepped up to sing. Which is clever, in an over-engineered, MythBusters sort of way.

Worst Pope: Bobby Knucklesandwiches VI! Seriously, that guy shit the bed.

Secret Secret: Phil! He didn’t get a close-up until halfway through the second set, when he terrified the entire audience by stepping up to his microphone to sing backup on Dear Mr Fantasy. A visible shudder went through the crowd, I swear to you. The only shots we got of him were immensely unflattering. Remember the sweatpants with the elastic on the ankles? Yeah, those. Plus, he was playing my least favorite of his basses, the headless Modulus. There is something unpleasantly fidgety about those headless guitars and I don’t trust them.

Biggest Surprise: Tyler Perry’s cameo as Madea!

Nicest Try: The Covers Project! Before the show, they showed three videos: classical guitar guy playing Bird Song endlessly, hipsters with too many Gram Parsons records wearing artisanal suspenders playing Brown-Eyed Women, also endlessly. Finally, a fat guy showed up and just awesomed all over his bass to accompany himself on I Will Take You Home. Pretty decent, that one.

Secreter Hero: The Director! (And the editor! and producer! as well, I guess.) Completely avoiding almost every annoying rock concert cliché. No swooshing Video Toaster effects, no split-screen, and quite clearly no over-dubs: coming out of space, the MIDI controller on Wolf crapped out, leaving Garcia standing there doodling noiselessly.

Shitting Me: 22 minutes and 28 seconds! That is the combined length of drums/space.

Best Face: Billy’s! Halfway through drums, Mickey called his usual audible and turned the promised Beating of the Drums into the predictable Berating of the Roadies. Billy just smirked at him and continued whacking his bongos.

Worst Hair: Mickey! He looked like the  hostage with whom you didn’t empathize.

Bobbiest Bobby: Bobby! Good sweet mammy, was Bobby as Bobby as he could be tonight! Doing his little duck-neck shrug and the lunge and those thighs! (In the spirit of truth-telling, Bobby does have a kick-ass set of gams. Bobby is up in the gym, working on his fitness.) His hair was nothing short of spectacular and he remembered the words to everything, even an awesome Stuck Inside of Mobile, and that song has a ridiculous amount of words. They should have told Bobby they were making a movie every night. (Not only did Bobby remember all the words this show, but check out the next night, when he crushes Desolation Row. BOBBY, WHY YOU REMEMBER ALL 20 BILLION VERSE  DESOLATION ROW, BUT FUCK UP PROMISED LAND? Yeah, Bobby: what the Vietnamese immigrant screamed at you.

My God: Phil’s outfit! I don’t mean to harp, but that inch of white tube sock in between the ankle elastic of sweatpant and the top of his New Balance sneakers is simply not doing it for me. The only thing Phil was missing was a mustard stain and a pocketful of food court napkins.

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