Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: fyre festival

I Ain’t Gonna Work On Ja Rule’s Farm No More

LSD can’t kill you.

Killed an elephant once.

They gave the poor fucker three million times the proper dosage, and administered it intravenously.

Still dead.

Three million times the proper dose of anything is deadly. Remember your Paracelsus.

That stuff’s all Greek to me.

I see what you did.

Yeah?

CELL PHONE NOISE

Goddammit.

Benjy?

I kinda hope. Think of all the alternatives.

Sure.

Yello?

“TotD? It’s Benjy.”

Hey, Benj. You still at the Fyre Festival?

“You mean Benjytown?”

What?

“We’ve turned the island into a commune. Me and the survivors.”

Survivors?

“I won’t lie: there’s a shitload of dead white people here. Actually, you know, there’s parts of white people. There was a little bit–”

Of cannibalism.

“–of cannibalism. Yeah. More than a little bit, if I’m honest.”

Um. Benjy?

“I didn’t eat anyone.”

Thank God,

“I tasted a couple people, though.”

Why?

“It was the only gluten-free option.”

Benjy, please don’t start a commune on the ruins of the Fyre Festival.

“Already done, bro. We got the whole beach planted.”

Can’t plant on a beach, Benjy.

“Why?”

Like, a billion reasons.

“We’ll see when harvest time comes, won’t we?”

We will.

“Tonight’s a pig roast.”

One of those feral hogs?

“Sure, yeah.”

Benjy, is it long pig?

“I am going to level with you here: the cannibalism took. People got into it.”

Stop eating people and planting in sand, Benjy.

“Ja will provide.”

I’m just gonna pretend you were talking about God and not–

“No, Ja Rule.”

–Ja Rule. Dammit, Benjy, Ja Rule is not going to help you. Ja Rule is the reason you’re stuck on that island barbecuing trust fund kids.

“We are not barbecuing trust fund kids.”

No?

“Of course not. We’re eating the poor people first.”

Gotcha.

“Vive la Commune!”

Make Exumas great again.

“You know it.”

Fyre Wheel Burning In The Air

I had a cousin who got harvested.

Yeah?

A lot more common than we’re told. They picked him clean.

Hotel room?

Woke up in the bathroom with “Call 911” written on the mirror.

Well, that was nice of them.

Except that they had taken his eyeballs.

Ah.

CELL PHONE NOISE

I should take this.

Could be Hollywood.

Never know.

Yello?

“The situation on the ground is deteriorating.”

Benj?

“Things are not good at all here.”

Is it raining?

“The VIP guests are throwing their own poop.”

Wow. Benjy, how did you even get involved with the Fyre Festival?

“Me and Ja went to the same boarding school.”

Okay.

“Again: this is not my fault. I was given every assurance that the venue was built. Huh. That’s odd.”

What?

“Didn’t Pablo Escobar used to own hippos?”

Yeah.

“Okay. That’s where they came from.”

There are hippos?

“Hungry ones. The childhood game did not lie.”

Hippos are vegetarians.

“You should tell them that. They just ate an Instagram model. Luckily, the feral dogs are attacking them.”

There’s nothing lucky about that, Benjy.

“Wow, now the sharks are involved. I’m getting a lot of nature time here.”

Benjy, please try to save some people. Or something.

“This is an every-man-for-himself situation.”

You have responsibilities. You are supposed to be in charge.

“No one is in charge here. Fear is in charge now. Soon, hunger will reign. Then, violence will be king.”

Are you high?

“Well, no one told me that the festival was gonna be canceled, so I dosed on the plane ride over.”

Great. Stay safe.

“You sending Precarious?”

Yeah, he’ll be right there.

“Don’t blame Ja for this.”

I blame Ja for this.

Fyre Festival Head Billy McFarland Issues A Statement

Today is the toughest day of my life, and will continue to be until sometime next year when I plead guilty to multiple felonies stemming from today, which has been very tough for me. You’ve seen the “photos” and “videos” and “evidence,” but please let me tell my side of the story.

I love three things: computer programming, rapping, and the ocean. When I met Ja Rule, he dropped an incredible freestyle about fucking bitches on a yacht. We had the perfect relationship: I wanted to hang out with a cool black guy, and he wanted someone to pay for things. We were best friends. One time, we took flying lessons and the planes were old and rickety. I told Ja that I was worried.

“Rock stars don’t die on planes, dog,” Ja told me.

We crashed the planes, but we didn’t die; after that, my rule was “Listen to Ja.”

The island we were on was called Exumas, and we fell in love. Like all new lovers, our immediate instinct was to have a luxury pop festival. We started the marketing campaign as soon as we got back, and then we designed an app and threw a party and rented a yacht to fuck bitches on. We also booked talent, and had a meeting about logistics. It turns out there were roadblocks.

Check that: there were no roadblocks because there are no roads on the island. Also, no sewage, clean water, electricity, or internet. Plus, there’s only one place to land a boat, and it’s inaccessible at low tide. We were astonished at the lack of infrastructure on the deserted island.

Still: Ja Rule thought it was pretty.

We built an entire city on that island, no matter what multiple reports say, a grand palace of a jewel that would befit our guests and the superstars we had booked for the performance. There was a theme park, and a sports complex, and black-box theater for experimental dramas. The food was sumptuous and scrumptious, and there was so much of it. The tables fairly groaned with the feast! The glamour villas were made of alabaster and acceptance, and they dotted the grounds; I had built a paradise.

Me and Ja had built a paradise.

And then there was this huge storm, swear to God, and everything got washed out to sea without any record of it every being here at all. Guests started to arrive, and we immediately panicked and left the island to begin planning next year’s Fyre Festival. All of this year’s guests will receive 10% off of their tickets for next year’s exclusive event.

Sincerely,
Billy McFarland

Fyre On The Mountain

What do you think the Fourth Wave of feminism is going to be?

Straight-up murdering men in their sleep.

I’m surprised that wasn’t the First Wave.

If men were women, they wouldn’t put up with men’s shit.

And if they were anteaters, they would know what they were having for lunch.

Sure.

CELL PHONE NOISE

Is that you?

No.

Shit.

Yeah.

CELL PHONE NOISE

There’s maybe a million people I pray this isn’t.

Get it over with.

Yello.

“TotD? It’s Benjy.”

Oh, hey, Benj. What’s up?

“Nothing, everything’s great. Listen, you got a minute and a Paypal account?”

Are you in jail?

“Worse.”

What’s worse than jail?

“They hired me to run the Fyre Festival and it’s not working out.”

You’re in charge of that nightmare?

“I didn’t realize it would be this difficult.”

That’s gonna be the quote of the year, isn’t it? Why are you on top of an RV?

“The situation here has gotten a bit iffy.”

Sure.

“None of this is my fault! Ja said he was taking care of things. I was just supposed to be the on-site manager for the weekend!”

This is your fault, Benj. Didn’t you do any due diligence on this thing? I’m reading reports that everyone but the customers knew this was going to be a disaster for weeks.

“Ja looked me in the eyes.”

Stop calling him Ja.

“He said, ‘Dog, we good. It’s gonna be lit.’ And, you know, that’s as good as a signature.”

It’s not.

“I’m gonna give you a little update on the action here: cannibalism is rampant.”

Already?

“These kids were not prepared for calamity. Everybody here grew up in a house with a three-car garage. The collapse of reason and teamwork was almost immediate. Remember the security footage from Event Horizon?”

Yeah.

“It was like that. Several influencers were ripped to shreds.”

Nothing of value was lost.

“I just hope Ja’s okay.”

Fuck Ja! He did this!

“Oh, shit, they got the boats.”

What?

“The kids have commandeered the tenders and are attacking the yachts.”

That’s not good.

“They’re just ramming into them at full-speed. It’s like the Battle of Salamis, but everyone’s wearing Apple Watches.”

Benjy, you should get out of there.

“That’s why I’m calling. Send money.”

No.

“Send Precarious.”

Maybe. You gonna be okay for a minute? Can you defend the RV?

“Oh, yeah. It’s not just me.”

No? Who else is there?

“Heeeey, man.”

Hey, Soup. Should’ve figured when I saw the RV.

“What time is Woody Hayes on, man?”

Benjy, I’ll get back to you.

“Quickly.”

Oh, yeah.

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