Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: grammy

Congratulations Are In Order

Awards are for wieners. This is a fact known by everyone who has never won an award. Are we discussing sprinting? Because awards should be given out in sprinting: one fucker hit the tape first. Boxing, too. The guy who’s not unconscious gets an award. Or contests. Elmira June sold more Girl Scout cookies than Susie May: you have a pre-decided metric or accomplishment, and whoever scores the highest, wins. Hot dog-eating competitions and hunger strikes can both be graded to find the singular “best” and that person or group awarded, yes, absolutely.

But art? An artist asks, What right have you to grade my work? Show me your portfolio, bring me your creations and let me judge you first. And, as a true artist has no rival but himself, he rejects others’ appraisals. The true artist creates his own award.

Hell, fuck art. Entertainment? Get out of my office with that foolishness. Actually: wait, don’t leave yet. Watch me masturbate.

Stop repeating this joke.

It makes me giggle.

It makes the nice people nauseous.

Yes, awards are for wieners, unless you’ve been nominated for one, and we have, so awards are fucking awesome and I love the Grammys. I have come to this revelation today, having learned that we are up for two Grammy Awards.

We?

Yes. We. This is a team effort. Morale is low since Franken.

True.

The Grateful Dead is up for two Grammys, Enthusiasts! Kinda! The Dead never won any of the shiny little doodads–they were never even nominated until after Garcia died–but, as usual, everyone’s favorite choogly band is doing its best work after becoming semi-defunct. The nods are in the categories of Best Boxed Or Special Limited Edition Package (May 1977:  Get Shown The Light, Masaki Koike, art director) and Best Music Film (Long Strange Trip, a bunch of Jews*, producers).

Did you know that the Recording Academy is at the forefront of medical research into tinnitus prevention and treatment? That’s just one of the many charities that the fine folks behind the Grammy Awards fund; others include MusicCares, which helps aging musicians with healthcare bills, and the Starkey Hearing Foundation, which investigates hearing loss and provides low-cost hearing aids for Academy members. It’s like I’ve always said: the guy from the record company is the real hero.

What was that all about?

Those Grammy voters are good eggs. The salt of the earth. They’re salted eggs, man.

Stop kissing the Recording Academy’s ass. 

You’re right. We need to cheat. What if we buy twitter bots and launch a fake news attack on the other nominees?

No. Well, maybe. Who are we up against?

In the Package category, the one to beat is the re-release of the Golden Record they sent up with the Voyager.

The one with Johnny B. Goode on it?

Yeah.

How nice could itHOLY SHIT look at that fucking thing.

Right?

That’s tough to beat.

Hey, the May ’77 box comes with a whole book.

Yeah, I read it. I’m going with the spaceship. My God, the paper stock. I would blow that box set.

Dude.

It’s sexy, man.

You’re getting weird. Odds are better in the Best Music Film category, though. But not great. This is going to come down to one thing.

Don’t say–

Me.

–me. No. You have nothing to do with anything. You’re almost irrelevant to yourself.

I will turn the tide in favor of the Grateful Dead. I have a plan.

Already?

I will come up with a plan.

Better.

 

*Amir Bar-Lev, video director; Alex Blavatnik, Ken Dornstein, Eric Eisner, Nick Koskoff & Justin Kreutzmann, video producers.

Grammy Recap With Only Twitter’s Trending Topics As Research

  • Beyoncé has done something, perhaps slayed.
  • I’m guessing just a song, though: like, the babies didn’t pop out of her while she was dancing in her high heels.
  • If two children slid out of Beyoncé, then that would have its own hashtag.
  • (By the way: this is how much health education TotD received in his New Jersey public school. I genuinely believe that jiggling around too much during pregnancy might cause the baby to just PLOMP drop out of you.)
  • Ryan Seacrest and Bruno Mars are both there; if you stacked them on top of each another, then you would have one human-sized man.
  • Is Ezekial a rapper or are the people on Twitter talking about the Bible?
  • I do not know, and I will not check.
  • What!?
  • Alicia Keys is at an award ceremony!?
  • Well, pluck my chickens!
  • Enthusiasts, I just hit refresh and it appears as if James Corden is hosting and now I am sure that I have made the correct decision to not watch this program.
  • I love it when he sings.
  • When I was growing up, talk show hosts told jokes and said smart things; I despised that, and wished they would aimlessly drive around Los Angeles singing.
  • KATYDOODLE!
  • I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
  • KAAAAAAAAAATYDOOOOOOOODLE!
  • Okay, I’m fine now.
  • Fuck it, I have to break my rule for this one:
  • Look, it’s Lil Yachty!
  • A LITTLE YACHT IS A BOAT, LIL YACHTY!
  • You’re obsessed with this.
  • The English language is a gift we were given by our ancestors who stole it from everyone else.
  • Leave Lil Yachty alone. He’s wearing a very nice suit.
  • I do truly enjoy his suit.
  • Can’t go wrong with a classic shawl collar.
  • Shh.
  • Oh, good: David Bowie won a Grammy.
  • His first.
  • Way to spot talent, Grammy Awards.
  • The obligatory list of non-winners: Zeppelin, Run-DMC, Jimi Hendrix, MOTHERFUCKING QUEEN, Talking Heads, Lil Yachty.
  • Okay, I cheated again and apparently Lady Gaga is singing with Metallica, and there are extras dressed like metal kids “moshing” behind them.
  • This is why Trump won.

My Desert Serenade

katy-elvis-pyramids

“Do you have a plan for dealing with Kim Jong-Un and his nuke, Your Majesty?”

“AW, NOW. KATY, YOU C’N CALL ME KING.”

“Sure. And you will refer to me by my Ancient Egyptian god name.”

“WHASSAT?”

“Boobankhamun.”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

“Can we get back to the plan?”

“MAH CHARISMA WILL WIN THE DAY. AH PLAN ON BRINGING THE JORDANAIRES AND THE SWEET INSPIRATIONS WITH ME. WE WILL SING GOSPEL TUNES UNTIL HE IS OVERCOME WITH LOVE FOR JESUS, AND ME SINGIN’ ABOUT JESUS.”

“You sing about Jesus very well, King.”

“AH ALSO SING ABOUT LIFE IN THE GHETTO VERY WELL.”

“True dat. So, your plan is to weaponize backup singers?”

“AH ALSO HAVE A FANTASTIC DRUMMER.”

“Uh-huh. King, I’m gonna make a phone call.”

“WHILE YOU DOIN’ THAT, AH’M GONNA HAVE ME ANOTHER PRESS CONFERENCE.”

“Great.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“John Ma–”

“Where the hell are you!?”

“Katy?”

“Who else would it be, John? If it was Elvis, then I would be in all caps.”

“Sure.”

“Where are you!?”

jm-here-nowmirror

“Oh.”

“Right?”

“John, this is not funny. I have to confide something in you, and this is between us.”

“Okay.”

“Elvis might not be the best person to send into the room with the nuclear weapon.”

“You don’t say.”

“At least not in the condition he’s in. Elvis met Doctor Gary, John.”

“How’d that go?”

“Predictably.”

“Yeah.”

“It turns out that Doctor Gary is on Elvis’ plan, John. In the network.”

“Katy, Doctor Gary isn’t a medical doctor, he’s a PhD. And I think they might have revoked that.”

“Yes, but Doctor Gary can do all the things a doctor does. Wait, no. Doctor Gary will do all the things a doctor does. He’s not very good at some of them, but he’ll still do them. Don’t let Doctor Gary take your tonsils out, John.”

“I’ll try not to. What exactly is the situation there right now?”

“You know how reindeer eat magic mushrooms and pass out pure psilocybin in their urine?”

“Please don’t say Elvis–”

“Elvis and Doctor Gary are ripped to the tits on reindeer piss, John.”

“–and Doctor…dammit, Katy. You’re in charge.”

“Nominally.”

“Go sober all your idiots up and try to keep things cool. Please?”

“There might be a small hiccup in your plan, John.”

“What?”

katy-perry-drinking-jpg

“I’m not exactly the designated driver in this scenario, John.”

“Dammit. Where did you even find reindeer in the desert?”

“It’s Las Vegas, John. You can get anything you want if you’re Elvis.”

“Okay. Listen, just try to hold things together until I’m done sitting in at the Grammys.”

“The what?”

“Nothing; you’re in charge; don’t let the world blow up!”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Where did Elvis go?”

elvis-hero-press-conference

“LOOK AT HOW SPECIAL AH AM!”

“Oh, right. Press conference.”

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