Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: gun

A Conversation That Is In No Way Analagous To One About Guns

“I don’t like the Grateful Dead.”

Well, what do you know about them?

“Excuse me?”

I mean, are you making an argument from logic and reason, or are you just being emotional?

“I don’t know. Whichever one of those ‘preference’ falls under.”

What do you know about the Dead? You can only dislike them if you know everything there is to know about them.

“That’s not how it works.”

What are some of their songs?

“I don’t know. Touch of Gray? Trucking?”

Ah-ha! It’s Truckin’. There’s no g. How can you have an opinion on something when you don’t even know how to spell it?

“Dude, I just don’t like the Grateful Dead’s music or want it around me.”

What specifically is it that you don’t understand?

“I understand it.”

Clearly you don’t.

“I do.”

Name all the keyboardists.

“How many were there?”

Depends on who you ask. Anywhere from 5 to 7.

“That doesn’t seem right.”

And yet it is, and the fact that you didn’t know that says to me that you’re not knowledgeable enough about the Dead to have an opinion on the Dead.

“You don’t need to know all the minutiae of a topic to dismiss it! I’m quite sure there’s a debate in the trepanation community about which side of the head is the best to drill into, but I don’t need to be up on the discussion before deciding not to cut a hole in my skull.”

The left side is the best.

“Fuck off.”

Thoughts And Prayers Go To Texas



“Prayers? It’s Thoughts.”

“Hey, T-Money.”

“Don’t call me that. Where are you?”

“I’m in Texas.”

“You are? What the fuck, dude? We travel together.”

“I have my own life, Thoughts. I’ve told you this.”

“Oh, not again.”

“You had your chance. You could’ve married me, but now that door’s closed forever.”

“I can’t have this conversation again. We have a job to do.”

“You’re right. This is a tragedy. People need Thoughts and Prayers.”

“We’re like the Tango and Cash of not actually doing anything.”

“We rock. So, where are you? Puerto Rico?”

“Did we even go to Puerto Rico?”

“Kind of. We did that Virtual Reality thing.”

“Oh, right. Between you and me? I loved that. Didn’t even have to put my pants on.”

“Eh. VR makes me nauseous. You gonna tell me where you are or not?”

“I’m in New York City, Prayers.”

“The van thing where people got run over.”

“The van thing.”

“Thoughts, buddy, it is tough to keep up with all the bullshit.”

“Coming at us hot and heavy this year. Anyway, I’m on my way down.”

“Great. These folks are hurting and really need their Thoughts and Prayers.”

“We’re better than nothing, but just barely. Hey, Prayers, why were you in Texas?”

“Funny story: the people who got shot?”


“They were literally praying at the time.”

“You don’t say.”

“Small world, right?”


“They were in a church engaged in prayer at the moment they all got shot.”

“They were praying and the gun still worked?”

“I know, right?”

“Well, you can’t be blamed.”


“Tell you what, pal. I’ll be there in a few hours. We’ll slap on the smiles, plow through our act, then we’ll fly out to LA and hit the Chateau.”

“Oh, that sounds like heaven.”

“Great. Hold down the fort. I’m on my way.”

“Unless there’s another mass shooting in the interim and we have to meet there.”

“You said it.”

Reasons A Person Needs To Own 47 Guns

  • You are not a person, but almost six pissed-off octopodes.
  • Clicked the wrong button on Amazon.
  • Trying to collect the full set.
  • Because your next door neighbor is Alphonse “46 Guns” Henderson, and fuck that guy.
  • Own a gun museum.
  • Own a gun-themed bed-and-breakfast in Vermont where, each fall, visitors come to shoot at the foliage.
  • Motherfuckers won’t listen.
  • Due to a congenital birth defect, possess 47 times more freedom than average American.
  • One more and you get a free turkey sub and small cola.
  • Her e-mails.
  • A good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun, but a good guy with 47 guns can stop 47 bad guys.
  • They said you couldn’t, but you believed in yourself.
  • Because owning 48 guns would be gauche.


If guns are outlawed, then only outlaws will have guns.

Aren’t we lucky that they’re legal, so everyone can have them?

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