Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: halloween

Phil Lesh: Hat Wearer

Since when do you wear hats?

“I’ll wear a hat if I want to.”

Is this Halloween, or is your slide guitarist working through some issues?

“Halloween.”

Did you buy the hat?

“Ignore the hat.”

Was it left to you in a will?

“Is there something you wanted?”

Just wanted to know what time it was.

“8:55.”

Thanks. Is it a magic hat?

“Fuck off.”

Okay.

Scary Picture

“That’s a wonderful hat. This is not a great skeleton. I gotta be honest. My honesty is why I won the election that the Democrats and George Soros can’t get over. They’re obsessed. But that’s not a great skeleton, like I was saying. Didn’t fool me. I knew you were a kid in a suit right away. Does it glow in the dark? It looks like it glows in the dark.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s classy. Very classy. Melania? Melania–this is Melania, she’s the First Lady, she’s acknowledged as one of the great beauties–did you hear that? It glows in the dark.”

“That’s vunderful, Pička.”

“Pifka. That’s what she calls me. It means ‘Strong Winner.’ Okay, that’s it. Next kid, let’s keep it moving. Bing boo bing.”

CHILD BEING SHUFFLED OFF NOISE

“Spooky ghost, great, ghost.”

“You’re a baseball player, great. Good for you, that’s a costume, okay.”

“Oh, look, an illegal immigrant.”

“I’m Dora the Explorer, Mr. President.”

“You are the scariest one yet. Illegal immigrant, very scary, okay, next.”

“Pinche cabron.”

“Yes, great. That means “Strong Winner,” too. The strongest, best, great. Next kid, c’mon.”

“I know you. You’re a Star Wars. I have seen Star Wars, well, let’s just say that probably no one has seen Star Wars as much as me. In the world. George Lucas, very successful man with an impressive company. Lot of growth. He has a beard. Everyone knows that. I’ve never had a beard, but I could have a beautiful one in a very short amount of time. Which Star Wars are you, young man?”

“I’m Finn, sir.”

“Finn, great, that’s a name, beautiful. Okay, take your helmet off so we can get a picture.”

STORMTROOPER HELMET REMOVING NOISE

“Jesus! Secret Service!”

“It is just a black kid, Pička.”

“Kid, yes, okay, black kid. You should have warned me, kid. No one likes a surprise black. One of the very worst kind of blacks. Took off your helmet and boom. Okay, great, Star Wars. Next. Very nice, a suit and tie. Powerful hair. I like this costume, kid. Are you me?”

“I’m Paul Manafort, Mr. President.”

“I have no idea who that is. Maybe I met him. Maybe. I meet, in just a normal day, hundreds and hundreds of people. Bing bang bing. All day. I would remember that, because I have one of the best memories in the world. Phone numbers from childhood, everything. I remember everything and I don’t think I remember him. If you say he worked for my winning campaign, then I’d have to check that out and get back to you next week. Maybe next week. But I don’t know who Paul Manafort is, I think. I know he was working for the disgraceful Podesta brothers, who are criminals and also I heard child molestors. I know that about him, but I don’t know who he is. No Russia, no Russia.”

“He was your campaign manager, sir.”

“Really, I was my own campaign manager. No one knows Donald Trump like Donald Trump, so I was really the campaign manager. There were always people around the office, unpaid people, but I did everything. Steve Bannon came in for a while and consulted, but it was me. Okay, next kid.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ooh, another spooky ghost. Not as spooky as the last ghost. I know it’s not presidential, but I have to say it: that last ghost was much, much, much more spooky than you.”

“Okay.”

“Hillary Clinton, who isn’t president and I am, sold most of America’s uranium to Russia. Some people say most. She did this all by herself. Probably used her corrupt e-mail account. Russia has all of our uranium now, spooky ghost.”

“Why don’t we want them to have it?”

“We do. Russia is a very strong nation, longtime partner of the United States. We were allies in World War II, which many people don’t know. There are many bonds between the American and Russian people, who have a leader who is so marvelous. Everybody loves him, Vladimir Putin, everybody is talking about him, keeps winning elections, a strong leader for a strong nation. They can have anything they want.”

“So why was it wrong for Hillary Clinton to sell it?”

“Because she belongs in jail. She’s a disgusting woman and she should be in jail, so it was wrong of her to sell the uranium, which she did all by herself.”

“It was okay for Russia to buy the uranium?”

“Sure, great, our friends, right.”

“But it was wrong of Hillary to sell the uranium?”

“Exactly.”

“You’re a fucking kookoo bird, you know that?”

SPOOKY GHOST BEING WHISKED AWAY NOISE

“That went well. I won that. I’m Strong Winner. This is the worst Halloween in the history of Halloweens. Maybe ever.”

Halloween: A History

Like everything else, Halloween was invented in China. Sometime around 732 AD, Emperor Liu Han said to the eunuchs, “You guys should really take a night for yourself. Just go wild.” They ended up murdering the entire royal family in a drunken frenzy, and afterwards felt very bad about that, but really enjoyed the part of the night where they wore costumes and ate candy. This tradition continues today, and we honor those eunuchs by scooping the seeds out of pumpkins, symbolizing the removal of their testicles.

In 1382, Marco Polo heard someone shouting his name. After following the voice to China, he stole Halloween and brought it back to the West, where he traded Halloween to the Druids for several large rocks that may have been a calendar, or possibly a clock, or maybe a temple: the Druids were not very clear. The holiday was now known as Sam Hain, as when you translate a word from Mandarin to 14th-century Italian to Druish, the pronunciation starts to drift.

For years, the Druids were the kings of Halloween–Druids are among the spookier of ancient white-person tribes–but then some Goths joined the party one year and they were all in: from that moment on, all Goths did was Halloween and destroy the Roman Empire. (The Roman Empire banned Halloween, and would feed spooky ghosts and sexy draculas to the lions every year as a warning to all.)

The first settlers in America, the Pilgrims, did not celebrate Halloween. I mean, those fuckers didn’t celebrate Christmas, so Halloween is completely out of the question. Also, the Pilgrims only owned one set of clothes each, so costumes were impossible. The whole basis of a costume rests on there being extra clothing lying around, and there was no extra clothing back then: if there was a shirt, someone was wearing it.

1946 saw the return of Halloween as a major holiday in America. The candy corn factories were still working at a wartime rate, so President Truman–attempting to prevent a crash in the candy corn markets– came up with a wild scheme to sell the product. Costumes and trick-or-treating, the whole deal. Halloween was a hit, and soon there were children in sheets on every corner, though not as many as when Truman desegregated the schools.

A Halloween-Industrial Complex sprang up within months; America can now be said to run on a partially Halloween-based economy. The Mars company has spent billions on ensmallination technology to shrink normal-sized candy bars down to fun size: for years, they could get the bars small enough to be “amusing,” but not small enough for full-on “fun.” (Unrelated side note: every single employee who asked why they didn’t just make smaller candy bars died mysteriously. The Mars family runs a tight ship.)

Which brings us back to China. Like I said: everything was invented in China, but that was a while ago; now everything gets made in China. There is a city called Hangzhou, which is near Datang, and it is called Halloween City; all year long, the workers thread cheap elastic cords through the holes of flimsy children’s masks–it has to be done by hand–and stamp out the patterns on the plastic jumpsuits: Captain America, Thor, Minion. The warehouses run all night and day, and the suicide nets twang at E-flat above middle C. One factory makes nothing but Harley Quinn hot pants. Halloween City is the spookiest place on earth.

Halloween Tips From STotD (Spooky Thoughts On The Dead)

Halloween is almost here, and with it will come the annual Internet Parade of Costumed Idiots. I enjoy November 1st more than the spooky night before, honestly: scrolling through my feeds agoggle at the terrible decisions made by putative members of my species. As TotD loves you so very much, I can help you avoid being an object of ridicule, memery, or forwarded articles on Facebook. (One out of every six Floridians will become the subject of a forwarded article on Facebook.) Some Halloween tips:

Not The Year To Be A Clown You’ll get shot. And, honestly? You should. Anyone dumb enough to be dressed up as a clown this year deserves what they get, up to and including a face full of buckshot. No year is a great year to be a clown, but this one is fatal.

Politics, Politics, Politics Oh, just fucking don’t. Stop it. For one night, one tiny sliver of this wretched existence in this crumbling empire our parents left us and we ruined, don’t. Don’t be him, don’t be her, don’t do a couples costume as Bad Hombre and Nasty Woman; just fucking don’t. Be a spooky ghost or a sexy dracula. One night, just give us all one goddamned night.

Don’t Costume Shop In The Problem Attic Indian chief, Rasta man, geisha, sombrero and mustache guy: please do not be these things if you are not these things. You are not an Indian chief, Instagram Hottie, so take off the war bonnet. War bonnets were awarded for bravery and leadership, and they were rarely worn with hot pants.

Trick, Nor Treat If you’re a grown-up and staying home for the night, then there are only two acceptable options: you shut out all the lights and pretend to not be home, or you man up and get some decent candy. Go to Target and get a bag: it is literally labelled “Halloween Candy.” This is not tough, and you must not try to get clever; you will be hated by everyone in the neighborhood. Toothbrushes and raisins are not treats for anyone other than Syrian refugees, so get that idea out of your head right now: you may be health-conscious, or a vegan, but the kid in the Thor costume isn’t; give the little bastard a Twix.

(Also: fun-sized. The fun-sized bars are industry standard for Halloween. If you want to be the cool house, then give out several handfuls of the small candy. DO NOT give out regular-size candy bars to Trick or Treaters; it makes everyone else look bad and sets a bad precedent.)

Sexy Draculas If you’re a guy or gal with a smoking hot bod, and you want to show it off: go to it. If I had a smoking hot bod, I wouldn’t own clothes. A dude with bulgy muscles may paint himself green and be Hulk; a fly betty with a tight tummy may be Harley Quinn. Just know this, hot people: we all know what you’re doing. You’re not fooling anyone: you decided to walk around half-naked, and then chose a costume, not the other way around.

Bill Cosby Way too soon. Put the sweater back, jackass.

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