HEAVEN – ENTRANCE

“Next!”

“I’m next, yes, that’s me.”

“Uh-huh. Name?”

“Roger Ailes.”

“Sure. Lemme pull you up.”

clickclackclickclack

“Huh.”

“What?”

“A-I-L-E-S?”

“That’s right.”

“Huh.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Yeeeeeeah. Mr. Ailes, we’re at capacity.”

“Heaven is infinite.”

“No, it’s not. Who told you that?”

“I just assumed.”

“Well, try reading a book. Heaven is the exact same size as Providence, Rhode Island.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Common knowledge, Rog. Listen, man, you’re not on the list.”

“Are you at capacity or am I not on the list?”

“And you’re not dressed right.”

“What the hell is your name, young man?”

“Metatron.”

“What is that, Filipino?”

“I’m gonna get my supervisor.”

…

“Hello, my name’s Peter. How can I help you?”

“You have some of the rudest people I’ve ever met working here!”

“No people work here. All angels.”

“Rudest angels, then.”

“Hey, between you and me? I agree. But there’s total job security, unless you argue with the Boss. Leads to not giving a shit.”

“This is why socialism fails.”

“Nope. No money up here, either. Can’t describe a society without money using economic theories.”

“If there’s no money, then how do you hire prostitutes and lawyers?”

“Okay, so can I help you?”

“I would like to come in, please.”

“Name?”

“I just told the other one! What is wrong with you people?”

“You people?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t. Like I just said: we are not people. What you said was factually incorrect as well as being racist. Although, that was kinda your thing, wasn’t it?”

“Ah. So you do know who I am.”

“Of course, jackass. I’m Saint fucking Peter.”

“Good. What can we do to get me into Heaven?”

“Are you a Hindu?”

“Of course not.”

“Ah, damn. Because you would need to reincarnate and live an exceptional life. Actually, you’d have to live nine or ten exceptional lives to burn off all this bad karma you’ve accumulated.”

“You’re Saint Peter. Why are you talking about karma?”

“I’m more spiritual than religious. I like to dabble: little bit of this, little bit of that.”

“Listen, isn’t there anything we can do?”

“Why are you rubbing your fingers together like that? Are your fingertips cold?”

“No reason.”

…

“Dude.”

“What?”

“You do not fucking listen, do you?”

“Not for years, no.”

“No money up here. Hence, no bribery.”

“There must be something you want. Everybody has something they want.”

“An elephant the size of a dog. I want one of those very badly. Best pet ever. 60-pound elephant for a pet. I would name him Jumbo.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Then, fuck off.”

…

“Hey, Chris.”

“Hey, Pete.”

HIGH FIVE SOUND

“Go right in.”

“Find me when you get off work.”

“You know it.”