Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: hillary clinton (page 2 of 4)

Now We’re Spirit Cooking With Evil Gas

As far as I can understand, John Podesta–whose e-mail password is “password,” apparently–or his brother is friends with Marina Abramovic who is a performance artist that stares at people in museums. If you stare at people in bars, you get punched, but she does it in museums and gets to be friends with Jay-Z and be taken very seriously.

Marina has a routine she calls Spirit Cooking; when she was poor and trying to bother people, the food would have her bodily fluids. (Performance artists are varied in their presentations and themes, but the one thing that unifies them is that they want to put their bodily fluids on or in you. Shit, piss, blood, cum: performance artists want to fling these things at you.) Now, though, Marina is rich and so are her friends; these are not people who will put up with being served turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce made from menstrual blood; she still does her whole spritz about whatever this bullshit’s about, but the fluids are symbolic.

Anyway, she invited John Podesta (or his brother) and neither of them responded; how Satan got involved is anyone’s guess. Word spread among credulous ninnies and the easily-perturbed that Hillary Clinton’s associates were attending occult ceremonies. And while the events of this year may lead one to believe that someone, somewhere, has made a deal with the devil about something: this is not it.

BUT I had a question. What if you performed a black magic ritual as performance art? Would it count? Does a Black Mass still count if you’re working from a script instead of a liturgy? (A Black Mass has a liturgy. An evil liturgy, sure, but it has one. You don’t just make a Black Mass up as you go.) If you’re a Catholic, and you did that back-and-forth with the priest like at the end of The Godfather–Do you renounce Satan, I do, etc.–and you participate in performance art Satanism, do you not get into Heaven?

What if you summon a demon, but not all spooky like: you have a degree from RISD and you’re in a friend’s loft space and everyone’s drinking white win? Would the demon even hear that, and if so: would the demon know you did not mean it? Isn’t this kind of thing the first act of 70% of all horror movies? Yeah: this a terrible idea. Do not do this.

TotD top tip: Performance art is no excuse for Satanism! Don’t take the chance.

The Next Three Days, Predicted

  • Terrorist attack that kills many people.
  • Mentally unstable man who was known to the police snaps due to economic anxiety, also killing many people.
  • Monday morning, it’s going to rain frogs in Newark, Delaware.
  • Monday afternoon, it’s Newark, New Jersey’s turn.
  • On live teevee, John Podesta will rip open his shirt to reveal a giant pentagram tattoo on his chest.
  • In 1973, a coalition of Arab militaries attacked Israel on Yom Kippur, assuming the fasting Jews would be distracted; using the same logic, China is going to Red Dawn us, probably tomorrow.
  • Honestly, if there was ever a perfect moment to Red Dawn us, this is it.
  • Irregular tides.
  • Clouds shaped like impossible objects.
  • Multiphasic Harambification.
  • Cheeses taste slightly off.
  • Two or three false flag events.
  • Three or four false banner events. (A false banner is like a false flag, but you hang it on a wall instead of a pole (falsely).)
  • Crazy rich guy gives a massive EMP bomb to a country that in no way can handle the responsibility–Equatorial Guinea, maybe–and of course someone pushes the big red button instantly.
  • Supreme Court vanishes, the building; everybody shows up for work Monday morning, but work’s not there any more.
  • Elon Musk and Peter Theil climb into the giant mechs they’ve been secretly building and disrupt each other in the middle of San Francisco, killing thousands.
  • Obama snaps on live teevee: “THIS guy? THIS fucking guy?” for twenty minutes or so.
  • The grown-ups and serious people come back from wherever they’ve been, and snatch the democracy from our hands, giving us a long lecture about how fragile it is, and then making us wash the car.
  • Blimp filled with hydrogen fluoride deliberately crashed into polling place.
  • Malls across the country fill with raccoons; they sit quietly and patiently and wait for something that should not come, but approaches at speed.
  • Leaked videotape of Trump saying n****r, c**t, k**e, f****t, s****b, z***a, and p*******q; his polls rise sharply.
  • Unverified e-mail sent from Hillary’s office hacked by the Russians posted on Twitter by a White Nationalist account; indictments are recommended, if not summary execution.
  • Hawaii says “fuck it” and starts paddling towards Japan.

If I Could Turn Back Trump

hillary-cher

“Hello, Georgia! I love the homosexuals of Atlanta!”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“What? I’m giving a–”

“Please hold for the President.”

“He’s starting to chap my ass.”

“Hold for him anyway, ma’am.”

obama-phone-finger

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Oh, what now?”

“‘Homosexuals of Atlanta?’ What was that?”

“I came down here specifically to target the LGBTQ community of Atlanta! I brought Cher, and Nene Leakes, and Tyler Perry said he wouldn’t appear but he did send a big check.”

“Right, but you need to be a bit subtler about it. You’re going to Nevada tomorrow to talk to the maids and busboys, but you shouldn’t fucking say that out loud, either. Public positions and private positions, Hillary.”

“You’re hilarious.”

“I tried Podesta’s risotto, by the way. Needed more Satan.”

“Gonna enjoy watching you go insane from boredom after January, Barry.”

“Not as much as I’ll enjoy your term in office.”

“Suck on ’em, Muhammad. They’re hairy and hanging low, and you can suck right on ’em.”

“Keep your head down. Next three days: show up, wave, do that thing you call a smile, and let the celebrities do the talking.”

“I’m appearing with Kanye in Arizona.”

“Holy shit, don’t let Kanye do the talking. Now stop being weird. ‘Homosexuals of Atlanta.’ Seriously, what the fuck?”

“Well, what should I call them?”

“Your fellow Americans.”

“Even the lesbians?”

“Hillary, y’know, I think you’re gonna be President. Despite yourself, I think you’re going to occupy the Oval Office come January.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“So what I’m gonna do now is start hiding fish and chicken and other meat in the walls, so by the time you get here it smells like John Boehner’s asshole.”

“Good for you.”

“And then I’m gonna find Joe Biden and slap him silly for not running. I know he had some very good personal reasons for not doing it, but at this point I just don’t give a shit.”

“Mm-hmm. Are we done?”

“Nope. Three more days.”

“Thank God. Oh Mr. President: has anyone found out that I paid that guy to cause the disturbance at the Trump rally tonight?”

“Did you just say that to me on a fucking cell phone?”

“It’s fine: it’s Cher’s. Actually, it’s Gregg Allman’s, but he’s trustworthy.”

“You’re killing me.”

Give ‘Em The Old Razzle-Dazzle

hillary-jaz-z-bey-3

“We’re squad goals, right? Is that what we’re saying now? Squad? Squizzle? Are you still doing the ‘izzle’ thing?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“New phone, who dis?”

“Please hold for the President.”

“Oh, come on.”

obama-yelling-at-phone

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Just say ‘vote for me’ and leave. Stop ad libbing! I don’t know who’s stiffer, you or Bill.”

“You have no idea of the pressure I am under here, Mr. President.”

“No, no: you’re right. My campaigns were a lot easier.”

“Thank you.”

“How could it not be easy? I was up against you.”

“Fuck you.”

“Listen, here’s the plan. at this point, there are no undecideds. We just gotta get people excited. Jay and Bey are good, but we need to target other demographics, and be smart about it. Right celebrity for the right location. I’ve been making calls. Setting up events. I’m like Bill Graham, but I don’t yell at people in Yiddish, so nothing like Bill Graham.”

“Who’d you get?”

“Pitbull.”

“Mr. Worldwide, Mr. President?”

“Si. On his way to Miami. Actually, he lives there, but you know what I mean.”

“Perfecto.”

“Don’t speak Spanish. Leave that to whats-his-face.”

“My veep?”

“Yeah.”

“I wanna say Tom.”

“Flip? Is his name Flip?”

“Christ, I hope not.”

“Whatever. Early voting in Georgia looks good. I think we can take it.”

“How?”

“I’m sending in Cher to entertain the homosexuals of Atlanta.”

“You’re a goddamned genius, Mr. President.”

“Yes. LeBron’s doing speeches in every city in Ohio with more than five black people, and I called in a favor in Wisconsin.”

“You got Aaron Rodgers?”

“Better: Laverne and Shirley.”

“I’m in awe.”

“Yeah, sure. Hey, let’s play a fun game. It’s called ‘How badly would Barack Obama have beaten Trump?’ You go first.”

“Shame you weren’t this aggressive with Congress.”

“I could cancel all this stuff right now.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“Put Beyoncé on the phone. I’d like to thank her for her patriotism.”

“Mr. President.”

“That’s an order.”

“Hello, Mr. President. This is Beyoncé.”

“Hey, boo.”

“Who are you talking to!?”

“Michelle!”

obama-michelle

“Gimme that phone.”

“I need it. I’m running the world.”

“You’re running your mouth.”

“Aw.”

I’ve Got 99 Problems, And They’re Almost Entirely Self-Inflicted

hillary-begging-jay-z-beyonce

“PLEASE TELL THE BLACK PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR ME!”

“It doesn’t really work like–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Notorious HRC.”

“Please hold for the President, Madam Secretary.”

“Katy Perry?”

“The actual President, ma’am.”

“Gotcha.”

obaa-phone-cranky

“You’re killing me.”

“What did I do now?”

“Y’know, Sasha is a great kid. Real smart, outgoing, funny. Great kid. Not much of an athlete, but I would go to her soccer games and cheer her on as she tripped over her own feet, ran the wrong way, and sometimes just laid down on the field and took a nap. But I kept cheering her on. And, y’know what, Hill? I’m having deja vu.”

“Mr. President–”

“And what the fuck is this Satan nonsense?”

“No Satan.”

“Can’t be worshipping Satan, Hill.”

“No Satan. You’re the Satan.”

“You okay?”

“I told you that Katy Perry was here, right?”

“Sure. Sure.”

“She knows wonderful people. Do you know a guy named Doctor Gary?”

“Stay away from Doctor Gary, Hillary.”

“He made me a smoothie.”

“Do not let Doctor Gary make you a smoothie, Hillary.”

“I feel awesome.”

“Every day with you is a gift. Looking forward to the next four years if you win, or the next five or six months if you lose.”

“I’m not gonna lose, Mr. President.”

“Course not. You’re almost two whole points up on a tantrum-throwing rapist owned by the Kremlin. Hey, do you remember that rumor about how you were actually a man? God, that was sexist and awful, but I’m starting to believe it: I don’t know how someone fucks herself like you have without a dick.”

“It is only the smoothie keeping me from saying horrible things about you.”

“Oh, noooo. Please don’t mock my…what is there?”

“All the wars you oversaw after getting the Nobel Peace Prize?”

“Pssh. Like you ever saw a war you didn’t love.”

“Obamacare.”

“Millions more people signed up, companies can’t deny pre-existing conditions, and the only places it’s tanking are where the Republican governments have sabotaged it. Plus, you know: I got my crappy healthcare plan passed. Did you?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Gonna be co-president! What a heady time, the early 90’s. Remember how many swords you kept handing out? ‘Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.’ Said that one on national teevee, back when that mattered. How’d that work out?”

“What!? There has been, is at present, and will continue to be a provable and documented concerted effort by the right to destroy me. I was right!”

“Ahhh I’m fucking with you, Hill. They really are out to get you.”

“Tell me about it.”

Just Couples Stuff

hillary-jayz-beyonce

“You know, Jay: they call me H to the Izzo, as well.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“This is Hill–”

“What did I tell you about acting weird in front of Jay and Bey?”

“I was not acting weird, Mr. President.”

Obama holds baseball bat whilst on the phone to the TUrkish president.

“Woman, I could beat you to death in the Rose Garden and people would say, ‘Well, it’s 2016,’ and then give me a parade.”

“I was trying to relate to Jay.”

“Forget that he’s black. Talk to him like he’s rich.”

“Oh, hell: I know how to talk to rich people. Will he pay me to talk to him? Rich people love paying me to talk to them.”

“Hillary, I had to do several favors to set this up.”

“What?”

“Blue Ivy got accepted to Harvard.”

“She’s four.”

“Early acceptance.”

“Okay.”

“Listen, me and Michelle aren’t going to be the president and first lady come next year, but Jay and Bey are still going to be Jay and Bey, got me? I will no longer have the armed forces, and she’ll have the Beyhive. I need to stay on the Black Illuminati’s good side.”

“The what?”

“Nothing. Just stop being weird. Don’t do your little accent, don’t pull out your hot sauce, don’t start talking about how many Stevie Wonder records you have. You’re not Bill; you can’t pull it off.”

“Fine.”

“Speaking of which: where is Bill?”

“Nowhere near Beyoncé.”

“Good.”

“How’s she looking?”

“Bey?”

“Yeah.”

“I would.”

“Sure. Do you, uhhh, hear a weird noise?”

“Like angry breathing?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

michelle-obama-phone

“Eh, probably nothing. Hillary: don’t fuck this up.”

“Suck my dick, Barry.”

“Before you act, just ask yourself: what would Obama do? And then do that.”

“Suck it hard and long, Hussein.”

“Right after I finish my cigar.”

“Asalaam Alaikum.”

You Think This Is A Game?

 This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.

IMPORTANT PHONE NOISE

IMPORTANT PHONE NOISE

“Hillary, where have you been? I left a message an hour ago.”

“Well, I’ve been busy, Mr. President. Running for office.”

“Yeah. Going about as well as last time you did it.”

“Oh, suck my dick.”

“You’d fuck that up, too! Poke me in the eye or something.”

“What are we discussing, Mr. President?”

“What line are you calling me from?”

“I borrowed a phone from one of the reporters. Russian guy.”

“Goddammit, woman, you can’t be trusted with technology. How are you the last hope of the Republic?”

“John Podesta asked me the same thing the other day.”

“I know. I read the e-mail.”

“Again, Mr. President: is there a purpose to the call, or are you just busting my balls?”

“Before I tell you think I’m about to tell you, I want you to know: if you were running against a sane person, I would’ve laughed as I watched you die.”

“I’m aware. Now tell me.”

“I made a call.

“To whom?”

“Got someone to do a speech or two for you. Might ramp up the enthusiasm in key demographics.”

“Who?”

“Friend’s wife.”

“BEYONCÉ!?”

“Yup.”

hillary-phone

“I’M GONNA BE PRESIDENT!”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

“I love you.”

“Join the club. Oh: you need to learn the Single Ladies dance.”

“Done.”

“And the Clinton Foundation needs to buy Tidal.”

“Cash or third-party check from a foreign tyrant?”

“Hill?”

“Mr. President?”

“Never knocked me down, Hill.”

“Oh, suck my dick, Barry.”

Choogle The Vote

  • This is some good paper the ballot’s printed on, thick: you could write a thank-you note to the fanciest person in the world with this paper stock.
  • Being Florida, the ballot’s in English and Spanish (I’m sure they do this in other states, too) and every time I see Spanish written down, I think what a good idea the upside-down question marks at the beginning of a sentence are; in English, you don’t know what kind of sentence you’re reading until the end, but Spanish warns you up front about the content.
  • Something I am proud of myself for: never having heard of any of the judges up for election, I looked them up on the Google and voted for the guy all the major papers endorsed.
  • Something I am not proud of: I voted for several people solely because I thought their names were funny, or because they shared their last name with an ex-girlfriend.
  • An incomplete listing of the funny names on the 2016 Florida ballot: Rocky De La Fuente, which sounds like a character in a screenplay set in Mexico by a white guy who has never been there; Basil E. Dalack, which is an anagram for Labia Lacks Ed; and Taniel Shant, whose body was found washed up on a beach in Australia under very mysterious circumstances.
  • (Foreign Enthusiasts may think I buried the lede two bullet points back: we elect judges in America. You’re probably thinking that’s a terrible idea, but you’re thinking it in a silly accent. Regardless of how ludicrous all of you sound: you’re right; it’s a terrible idea.)
  • fullsizerender
  • Nasty.
  • At this point, it behooves one to mention that Hillary Clinton is going to be the first woman to hold the Oval Office, and that’s a big fucking deal, as Joe Biden would say; he’d be correct, but once again: men have ruined everything for women.
  • Women can’t have anything nice, can they?
  • Speaking of women, I will not be voting for Marco Rubio.
  • That was sexist.
  • But true: he’s smooth and feminine, and has wide hips that a baby could slide right out of.
  • A lazy, thirsty, prematurely balding, free-spending baby.

And, Enthusiasts, there is the state constitution to think about: it may be amended in Florida by a 60% super-majority, and there are four questions before the electorate.

Number 1 – Article X, Section 29

This amendment establishes a right under Florida’s constitution for consumers to own or lease solar equipment installed on their property to generate electricity for their own use. State and local governments shall retain their abilities to protect consumer rights and public health, safety and welfare, and to ensure that consumers who do not choose to install solar are not required to subsidize the costs of backup power and electric grid access to those who do.

Which sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Straightforward, right? Any lawyers out there? See it yet? Four words.

“…for their own use.”

This amendment, it turns out, was written by the energy companies to protect their market hold by enshrining their supremacy into the state constitution. Don’t trust me, look it up.

Fillmore South votes NO on 1.

Number 2 – Article X, Section 29

Allows medical use of marijuana for individuals with debilitating medical conditions as determined by a licensed Florida physician. Allows caregivers to assist patients’ medical use of marijuana. The Department of Health shall register and regulate centers that produce and distribute marijuana for medical purposes and shall issue identification cards to patients and caregivers. Applies only to Florida law. Does not immunize violations of federal law or any non-medical use, possession or production of marijuana.

Obviously, Fillmore South votes YES on 2.

Number 3 – Article VII, Section 6

Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to authorize a first responder, who is totally and permanently disabled as a result of injuries sustained in the line of duty, to receive relief from ad valorem taxes assessed on homestead property, if authorized by general law. If approved by voters, the amendment takes effect January 1, 2017.

What am I, a monster? Fillmore South votes YES on 3.

Number 5* – Article VII, Section 6

Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to revise the homestead tax exemption that may be granted by counties or municipalities for property with just value less than $250,000 owned by certain senior, low-income, long-term residents to specify that just value is determined in the first tax year the owner applies and is eligible for the exemption. The amendment takes effect January 1, 2017, and applies retroactively to exemptions granted before January 1, 2017.

I was told in no uncertain terms by several of my relatives how to vote. TotD is a good boy, and so therefore Fillmore South votes YES on 5.

*There’s no 4 because it was eaten by an alligator on bath salts.

Vote Early And Vote Often

img_5376

Election Night at Fillmore South, Enthusiasts.

(And, if you’ll look right next to the power cord, you’ll see my desk penis.)

Words We Will Not Hear In Tonight’s Presidential Debate

  • Sesquicentennial.
  • Effervescent.
  • Braggadocios. (He’s not going to repeat it.)
  • Filigree.
  • Mesopotamia.
  • Octoroon. (There may certainly be racism tonight, but not specific and old-timey racism. Also: specific and old-timey racism is both the best and the worst kind of racism. Best because it’s hilarious how much time people put into their racism back then, and worst because it’s soul-destroyingly sad how much time people put into their racism back then.)
  • Sorghum.
  • Phlogiston.
  • Ant. (It seems like ant is a common word, but it’s not; I will wager it will not be uttered tonight.)
  • Sorry.
  • Spaghetti.
  • Snooki.
  • Jurisprudence.
  • Blimp.

HOW DARE THE CANDIDATES IGNORE THE BLIMP-AMERICAN COMMUNITY?

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. THIS IS RACISM AGAINST BLIMPS.

You can’t be racist against blimps.

DONALD TRUMP CAN.

True.

AS AN EX, CURRENT, AND FUTURE SPOUSE OF A BLIMP, I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT HIM.

So, the things he’s said about other groups didn’t matter, but now it does?

I DO NOT SHARE A BED WITH MEXICANS OR MUSLIMS OR VETERANS OR THE BLACKS. OR THE WHITES, FOR THAT MATTER, BUT HE HAS NEVER INSULTED THE WHITES.

You have sex in a bed?

I HAVE SEX EVERYWHERE.

Ew. I take it you’ll be watching the debate?

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU INFORMED IN ADVANCE OF A TRAIN WRECK?

True.

MY ONLY FEAR IS THAT I HAVE SET MY EXPECTATIONS FOR ENTERTAINMENT TOO HIGH. AT THIS POINT, I WILL BE DISAPPOINTED BY ANYTHING LESS THAN TERRORISTS TAKING OVER THE BUILDING, AND HILLARY CLINTON BEING FORCED TO DIE HARD HER WAY OUT.

Ooh, I would watch that. Is Trump the sleazy guy who tries to make a deal with the bad guy and gets shot?

NATURALLY.

Who’s Hans Gruber?

PUTIN.

I love this. What about Al the cop?

BIDEN.

I can already see the poster.

START WRITING. I WILL ACQUIRE THE RIGHTS. I HAVE ACQUIRED THE RIGHTS.

Why can’t we ever end a conversation without you being scary?

I WOULD IMAGINE HAD BOOSTED YOUR IMMUNITY TO THE FRANKENSTEIN STORY BY NOW.

You’d think.

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