Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jake tapper

A Partial Transcript Of Stephen Miller’s Appearance On CNN’s State Of The Union, 1/7/18

“Good morning, I’m Jake Tapper and this is State of the Union. My guests today include a lightly-ethnic Democrat with nothing interesting to say, a journalist with a far more unpleasant face than mine, and White House advisor Stephen Miller. Good morning, Mr. Miller. Thank you for coming on the show.”

“Thank you for having me. Xan?”

“No, thank you.”

“More for Milly. Jake, the lies told about this president, who is the greatest president of all time and space, are disgusting. I am made physically ill by these fabrications as though they were hot garbage, or a mixed-race baby.”

“Leaving aside that last metaphor–”

“It was a simile. You’d know that if you went to Duke.”

“–I assume you’re referring to the new book by Michael Wolff out about the Trump Administration entitled The Fire And The Fury.”

“More like The False And The Faggy, Jake.”

“We’re just gonna go for it, huh?”

“Jake, the only book I can think of that contains as many lies as Mr. Wolff’s is the Koran. The lies start on the cover.”

“How so?”

“Michael Wolff is not, in fact, a wolf. That’s fake news right there.”

“Not how names work, Mr. Miller.”

“The fact is that this Wolff person never spoke to the president beyond a brief conversation. Most of his interactions were with very low-level staffers.”

“Are you saying that Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus were low-level staffers?”

“I am, yes.”

“The Chief Strategist and the Chief of Staff? They were low-level staffer?”

“Those are just titles, Jake. You know how on a movie, there’s a job called Best Boy? Well, he’s not actually the best of all the boys. Just a title. Lady Gaga? Not noble in the slightest. Ever since Obama invented transgenders, anyone can call themselves anything.”

“No, no. These two men, who apparently talked at length with Mr. Wolff on multiple occasions spanning almost a year, were at the top of the White House food chain.”

“Jake, President Trump thought Steve Bannon was a hobo and let him sleep in the West Wing out of pity.”

“Not true.”

“And he thought Reince was a Make-A-Wish kid.”

“Nuh-uh. Also not true.”

“Jake, have you ever looked at Reince Priebus? He looks like has something.”

“Regardless, these were high-ranking officials in the administration.”

“Don’t be didactic.”

“Mr. Miller–”

“This is what the fake news, the trash news, does. Every day, just negative stories about the president when all he does all day is try to make America great.”

“Speaking of ‘what the president does all day,’ a recent report claims Mr. Trump starts his day at 11 a.m. Any comment on that?”

“It’s true.”

“Mr Miller, don’t give me that. He…what now?”

“Completely true. President Trump starts his days at 11 a.m. because he ends his days at 10 a.m.”


“You’ve never seen a man this vigorous. The president is powerful, lithe, and effervescent. His sinews crackle with energy and life. On several occasions, I have witnessed President Trump pick up the Resolute Desk with one hand and hold it aloft.”

“I don’t believe that at all.”

“Of course not, Jake. That’s because you’re a very biased person. A very biased, cosmopolitan person.”

“Excuse me?”

“Biased. Biased and globalist.”

“I think I see what you’re doing.”

“Very bankerish.”

“Let’s just get back to the claims in the book.”

“I’ve got a book, Jake. I’ve written a book, too. Let’s read from that.”


“It’s called CNN Hates America. Let’s turn to page 120.”

“You don’t have a book in your hands. You’re just miming it.”

“This book is as real as Michael Wolff’s fake book.”

“It’s not at all.”

“I quote. This scene takes place in the CNN cafeteria. Ahem. Jake Tapper, whose breath smells like a fart taking a shit, walked up to our table. He said, ‘I only know two things: I love lying about President Trump, and Harvey Weinstein is innocent.’ I can’t believe you said that, Jake.”

“I clearly said nothing of the sort.”

“The passage continues. We asked Jake to leave our table because he was by now wantonly masturbating. ‘Yessirree, I do love lying about the president, even though he’s a genius, because I’m so jealous of his strength and want his meat. I wish I could puke on every white person.’ Jake, these are horrible things to say.”

“Okay, that’s enough. I’m not going to let you sit there and spill your oleaginous poison all over my set. We’re done, Mr. Miller.”


“Are you speaking Parseltongue?”


“Nope. Too weird. Security?”



“Actually, Alan, could you let Dartavious handle this?”


A Partial Transcript Of CNN’s State Of The Union, 7/23/17

“Was that another reverse mortgage commercial? How many of them do we–”

“We are?”

“Good morning, it’s Sunday and this is State of the Union. I’m Jake Tapper, and my first guest is the new White House Communications Director, financier Anthony Scaramucci.”


“Yo, Tippy-Tap! How’s it hanging?”

“I’m not discussing that, Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Call me Mooch.”

“No. Mr. Scaramucci, the president tweeted out something about having complete pardon power. Is he considering pardoning anyone? And if so, whom?”

“President Trump considers a lot of things. His mind is what you call ferocious. Back when I was at Harvard Law School, we would have called him a polymath. People who didn’t go to Harvard Law School would probably call him a Renaissance man.”


“I went to Harvard Law School.”

“You’ve mentioned. But you didn’t answer my question. Why is the president discussing pardons six months into his term?”

“The president is not discussing pardons.”

“He tweeted about it.”

“Tweeting is not discussing, Tippy-Tap. You’d know that if you had gone to Harvard Law School.”

“Mr. Scaramucci–”


“–the fact is that the president has been reported by numerous sources as asking about his pardon power. Why is that?”

“It’s because he cares.”

“Cares about what?”


“Would you like to explain that?”


“Does someone need pardoning, sir?”

“If we’re talking honestly here, I probably do. Never spent much time in Washington before. Oofah, it’s all interns here. I been giving out herpes left and right.”

“Mr. Scaramucci, please stay on topic.”

“You see Huckleberry yesterday? She looks better, right? I brought down a homo from New York to fix her up. And, hey: she’s a real fixer-upper.”


“Good bones. Well, big bones.”


“Got a little bit of mascara on the sloppy eyeball. Million times better.”


“I mean, don’t get me wrong: I wouldn’t fuck her with your pussy.”

“I don’t have a…Mr. Scaramucci, what does the president think about the Congress moving to restrict his ability to remove the sanctions on Russia?”

“There’s no sanctions.”

“Yes, there are.”

“There’s no Russia, so how could there be sanctions? BOOM, Tippy-Tap. You just got Mooched!”

“We need to go to commercial.”

“Another one of those reverse mortgage ads?”


“Mooch out!”

A Partial Transcript Of CNN’s State Of The Union, 7/16/17

“My guest this morning is a member of President Trump’s legal team, Jay Sekulow. Good morning, Mr. Sekulow.”

“I disagree with your assertion that the morning is good. Hello, Jake.”

“Mr. Sekulow–”

“Jake. this entire farce has been nothing but a witch hunt against the greatest president this nation or any has ever seen. President Trump has been working his fingers to the bone for America, but stymied in his attempts to make America great again by the Democrats and the media.”

“Where is the president now?”

“Watching women’s golf for the third day in a row.”

“Mr. Sekulow, let’s go over the facts.”

“I disagree with those, too.”

“Yes, that seems to be a prerequisite for this administration. Nevertheless, on June 8th of last year, there was a meeting in Trump Tower that I’d like to talk about.”

“A very normal meeting.”

“No, sir.”

“I have never been to a single meeting in my working life that did not contain at least one music promoter and a Russian translator.”


“Regardless of what the lying media wants to say about this meeting, it was completely standard procedure.”

“No, this isn’t standard procedure at all. The email to Donald Trump, Jr., was very specific in the fact that the information to be exchanged in that meeting came from the Russian government.”

“Who reads emails these days?”

“Mr. Sekulow.”

“Jake, you need to remember that things were happening very quickly at that point, and there just wasn’t time to be ethical.”


“And let me remind you that Hillary Clinton’s campaign received the questions for one of the debates early.”

“Why is that relevant?”

“Because why are you not questioning her lawyer today?”

“Mr. Sekulow, she’s not the president.”

“Maybe she should have colluded with the Russians. Really helped us out.”

“Are you admitting that the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians, sir?”

“Sure! Everybody colludes! We’re colluding right now. I colluded with my family this morning. Maybe I’ll collude with my dog later.”

“That’s not what collude means.”

“Collude. Funny sounding word.”

“If we could get on track–”

“James Comey told the president on three separate occasions that he wasn’t being investigated, and I think that about puts an end to it.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Oh, so James Comey was lying? Guess we can’t believe anything else he said and maybe he should be tried for perjury.”

“Perjury? From when?’

“When he colluded with the Senate committee.”

“Mr. Sekulow, what do you think the word ‘collusion’ means?”

“It doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just a placeholder word.”

“Not a thing.”

“The fact is that the president had no knowledge of this meeting, even though nothing even slightly illegal or immoral happened in it.”

“But, Mr. Sekulow, if there was nothing wrong with the meeting, then why wouldn’t the president want to know about it?’


“The Secret Service said it was okay.”


“The campaign ran the meeting by the Secret Service, and they thoroughly vetted the participants and okayed the meeting.”

“Mr. Sekulow, the producer in my ear is telling me that the Secret Service just tweeted out, and I quote, No we fucking didn’t followed by three…no, four emojis.”

“Which emojis?”


“I stand by my statement. Jake, this is all fake news. The meeting that Donald Trump, Jr,, set up on his own with absolutely no oversight from the president was completely legal. The White House is very proud of Don, Jr., and the meeting that he set up all by himself and the emails he answered on his personal computer without being advised to by the president. Very proud, and if anyone has to go to jail, it should be him. Very proud.”


“Thanks for having me, Jake. I have 32 other interviews to give this morning.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sekulow.”

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