Thoughts On The Dead

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Tag: james comey

James Comey’s Notes From His Dinner With Donald

18:00 – James Comey [hereafter referred to as JC] arrives WH. Ring bell for three minutes before maid answers door. Intoxicated. One shoe.

18:05 – POTUS arrives in bathrobe. Does his handshake thing.

18:10 – Tour of WH. Sounds of crying from behind four closets. POTUS misidentifies Map Room, Treaty Room, and Blue Room. At the Lincoln Bedroom, POTUS says, “You can jump on the bed if you want.” JC declines. POTUS reiterates. JC changes subject to electoral college. POTUS forgets about the bed.

18:15 to 19:00 – TV time. Special Report with Bret Baier. Guest is Charles Krauthammer. POTUS makes fun of CK’s face for entire show. Asks to have Flynn investigation dropped during each commercial break.

19:00 to 19:20 – JC sits on couch while POTUS scrolls through Twitter.  POTUS says, “How about a selfie?” JC declines. Usher enters with cigarette dangling from mouth and shirt untucked. Refers to JC as a “too-tall dickweed.” POTUS cackles and slips usher a $20 bill.

19:20 – POTUS and JC to dining room. Waiter is African-American named Lionel Braithwaite. POTUS refers to LB as “Jackson” the entire meal.

19:21 – POTUS says, “I would like you to swear loyalty to me.” JC declines politely.

19:22 – POTUS suggests “we prick our fingers with pins and be blood brothers.” JC declines.

19:23 – Meatloaf.

19:30 – Door to kitchen swings open. Stove is engulfed in flames. LB is fornicating with the drunken maid.

19:31 – 19:55 – POTUS relates plot of 1981 comedy Stripes, but as if it had happened to him.

19:55 – Dessert. POTUS gets a banana split with six bananas and 12 scoops of ice cream. JC receives a slap in the face from LB. POTUS cackles and slips LB a $20 bill.

19:57 – POTUS enthuses about FBI director “J. Edward [sic] Hoover” and remarked on how the “very few people know that J. Edward [sic] was Herbert Hoover’s son.”

20:00 – POTUS and JC retire to WH Residence. More TV time. Tucker Carlson Tonight. There are three large men in Adidas track suits in the Residence. They are not introduced.

20:05 – POTUS says, “A person who’s gonna drop the Russia case says what?” JC does not fall for it. POTUS tries twice more.

20:10 – JC makes excuse to leave. POTUS begs JC to stay. Offers ambassadorship to “whatever country has your kind of snatch. Or cock, whatever, I don’t care what you’re into.” JC declines.

20:15 – On way out, JC observes WH press secretary Sean Spicer writing on Cabinet Room walls with what appeared to be his own feces. Language was some sort of Nordic rune or perhaps Sanskrit.

20:20 – Maid is dead in doorway. Now wearing both shoes.

20:22 – The government car used by JC is on blocks. All four tires stolen. JC retrieves briefcase from trunk and walks to the Metro.

Today: An Explainer

What the fuck just happened?

It’s weird how often that question comes up lately.

Truly. Again: what happened?

Trump fired the director of the FBI, James Comey.

That fucking guy?

Bad penny, that one.

Can he do that?

Absolutely, positively, 100% yes, he can. FBI directors serve ten-year terms to keep them out of ordinary presidential politics, but they still serve at the pleasure of the president.

So, what’s the problem?

Everything else. Literally everything else.

For someone who claims to love the English language as much as you do, you’re being awfully cavalier with that “literally,” pal.

Comey is–well, was–overseeing an active and ongoing investigation that just tonight began the subpoena phase into the president’s collusion with a foreign nation; he was the only non-political appointee in the process. Comey was (is?) scheduled to testify in front of Congress tomorrow regarding Russian interference in the election. Attorney General Sessions–who, if you’ll remember, perjured himself in the Senate on the topic of Russia and therefore had to recuse himself from the investigation–was told to “find reasons” to fire him. These reasons were scribbled down in incoherent memos and letters today (you might think replacing the director of the FBI would be something you cogitate on for a bit, but not our Basketball Head) and every single reason is a load of shit. There is no replacement in the works. There was no coherent message from the administration; in fact, the first statement from the president was a tweet mocking Chuck Schumer.

That is literally everything; sorry I doubted you.

You really should trust me by now.

Just for shits and giggles, what excuse did Trump give?

Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.


Comey’s handling of it, yeah.

I’m gonna go sit in the garage with the engine running.

I feel you.

If Comey’s behavior was so unacceptable last year, then why wouldn’t he have been removed earlier?

Excellent question.

What’s the answer?

There’s no answer. Trump is a lying, treasonous ballsack full of shit who’s desperately trying to head off the investigation into said lies and treason, and he wanted Comey gone. Sessions, who is a lying, treasonous white hood full of shit, came up with some for him and backdated the paper trail. Everything that comes out of the White House is a lie.

Isn’t this what Nixon did? The Saturday Night Massacre?

Yes and no. Nixon tried to fire the special prosecutor, a guy named Archibald Cox, but his AG and the Deputy AG refused and resigned in protest. Luckily, a young man named Robert Bork who was the Solicitor general was more than willing to do the job and fired Cox.

Bork? That fucking guy?

Bad penny, that one.

So, it’s not exactly the same.

Not the same technically, but identical in spirit.

What happened after Nixon did that?

He resigned nine months later.

Guess he didn’t really think that one through. Did Trump think this through?

I retract the question.

Thank you.

Possible James Comey Replacements

  • That terrifying black sheriff in the cowboy hat who hates black people.
  • The ghost of Clyde Tolson.
  • Colonel Klink.
  • Officer Krupke.
  • Jared Kushner.
  • Cop uniform stuffed with pillows and a watermelon for a head.
  • ED-209.
  • Buford T. Justice.
  • The Lawnmower Man.
  • Hans Landa.
  • Anthony “Big Mooch” Scaramucci, head of security at Mar-A-Lago.
  • Hulk Hogan. (“Watcha gonna do, brother, when the 24-inch pythons of justice come for you?”)
  • Dolores Umbridge.
  • Seriously, I think Kushner could do it.
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