This is in Toronto, during the shit-dumb Festival Express that bankrupted a few hippies, enriched a few liquor store owners, and excreted a half-decent movie worth it if only for the scene of an unfathomably drunk-and-stoned Rick Danko, Marmaduke Dawson, Janis Joplin, and Garcia and Bobby wobbily circling through No More Cane on the Brazos. You’ve seen it, or you haven’t.
There. Now you have.
Anyway, this was 1970–long before the invention of security–and that doofus with the Nikon must have gotten up into Garcia’s face, unleashing the rarest Garcia of all: Scary Bear.
Legend has it that Garcia mauled and devoured the photog, but you can’t trust John Legend.
Goddamn, that’s an enormous hat.
“I told her that! I said, ‘Woman! You wearin’ a damn tuffet!'”
And what did she say?
“She showed me her muffet.”
“You know the ol’ Pig sat down beside her.”
“We got it on!”
“It certainly was.”
You know, it’s Janis’ birthday today.
“Where you think she got that bottle from!?”
“So, tell me: how old she woulda been?”
“Stop pullin’ the ol’ Pig’s leg!”
I wouldn’t dare, buddy.
“74. Huh. That’s some mileage. My grandma ain’t even that old.”
Getting up there.
“I’m glad I didn’t have to see that. All wrinkly and withered. Bent over and whatnot. Way it all worked out was f’r the best.”
You’re a liar.
“Heh. Yeah. I thought I’d try out fibbin’. How was I at it?”
“Yeah. All right, get on out o’ here. We got some celebratin’ to do.”
How you gonna celebrate?
“We gonna drink and screw all damn night!”
“Course it is.”
Janis’ hat is way bigger than yours, Pig.
“Ain’t the size o’ the chapeau! It’s whose head the sucker’s on!”
True. You’re all dressed up.
“Takin’ my gal out on the town! We gonna drink our wine an’ tell dirty jokes an’ get frisky with each other!”
She was the only one who could drink with you.
“Hell, naw. Anyone c’n drink with the ol’ Pig. Jan’s the only one what could keep up! Me an’ her got the same phobia.”
“Dyin’ o’ thirst!”
Oh, was that why you drank so much?
“Gotta keep lubricated! People don’ know this ’bout Northern California, but it’s dry as dandruff up here! You could get all parched out in minutes if you ain’t careful!”
But alcohol is a dehydrant.
“Then how come it’s wet?”
“Gotcha, college boy!”
There’s high, and then there’s Rick Danko in Festival Express high.