Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jason chaffetz

Why Is Jason Chaffetz Resigning?

  • According to Louise Mensch, he works for the Russians, but according to Louise Mensch, everyone works for the Russians including domestic pets, several kinds of kitchen appliances, and LeBron James.
  • Got caught with the meat in his mouth.
  • Baker’s Dozen, brah.
  • Job just opened up at Fox News; with Congressman Chaffetz’ dashing looks and sunny personality, he’s a good fit for teevee.
  • Allergies.
  • Because he loves his wife and stop asking questions.
  • When rambling in the woods last week, Jason Chaffetz came upon a tablet, and on that tablet was writing that he could not decipher; but then he found a transparent glass-like rock next to the tablet that he called a seer stone, and this enabled him to read the tablet, and it said he should resign.
  • Ran out of activator for his jheri-curl.
  • His upline in the Multi-Level-Marketing scheme he works for finally started paying off.
  • Kompromat. (Everyone who isn’t literally in the CIA needs to stop saying kompromat. It’s not like schadenfreude: there is a word in English for blackmail in the English language. The word is “blackmail.” We don’t need the loanword.)
  • 4/20 makes you do some fucked up shit, yo.

Things Yelled At U.S. Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) At Last Night’s Town Hall

  • Boo!
  • Hiss!
  • You’re a wizard, Harry!
  • Please, God, for all that’s holy: do something!
  • Head’s Up! (There was a softball game next door, and someone hit a foul ball into the crowd.)
  • Вы делаете замечательную работу! Пожалуйста, продолжайте по тому же пути!
  • Jason! It’s Timothy! We met at the Ramrod the other night! I was one of the guys who came on you! Why haven’t you called?
  • Your head looks like Vanessa Del Rio’s crotch, you gimlet-eyed fuck!
  • Has the president grabbed you yet, pussy?
  • Bingo! (That woman was in the wrong room.)
  • Vile and deceitful cur, your shame and cowardice reeks like an unwashed asshole!
  • Was this how you thought it would go? Honestly, Jason: was this what you saw in your mind’s eye as the status quo three weeks into his term?
  • Look out for the raccoons! (Mickey was there; he threw a duffel bag full of furious raccoons at the congressman. The act received the only cheer of the night.)

Weird Beards

Elvis should not have a beard. Wayne Cochran never had a beard because, as a good American, Wayne Cochran knows that only homosexuals, hippies, and the Lord Jesus Christ are permitted to wear facial hair. Elvis should not have a beard.

Mick Jagger should not have a beard, even though he is rocking that shit so hard that I am now pregnant from having looked at it.

Neither Robert Plant nor Jimmy Page should have beards because this is how they wear them: Robert looks like the Anonymous mask, and Jimmy resembles Arlo Guthrie’s brother. (Arlo Guthrie’s brother is his lyricist, and his name is John Perry Barlo Guthrie.)

Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) should not have a beard, but she knew what she was getting herself into. Wives always know.

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