Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jay lane

Red, Dead Rocker

bobby sammy hagar jay lane

As you may know, Sammy Hagar is now in the Grateful Dead. Will he be replaced by Gary Cherone in a few years? Perhaps. Will Summer Tour feature a rousing half-hour version of Bertha>Best of Both Worlds? Almost certainly. How does Michael Anthony fit into all of this? Somehow.

TotD is behind this addition: Sammy is–as pictured–already good at free t-shirt wearin’, and he lives close to Bobby so they can carpool. Plus, people forget that Sammy is a pretty good guitarist, so maybe he could strap on his axe and the Dead could really let that triple-guitar attack fly.

A Plethora Of Mariachis

IMG_4209

Let’s not let the innertubes see this, please. Every year, a few white people get yelled at for Cinco de Mayo-related bullshit, and I would prefer that one of them not be Phil. Mostly because Phil yells back at the innertubes, and he will give Twitter the finger, and then the Beyhive will get involved and someone will ‘shop a Crying Jordan onto Phil’s head; no one wants this to happen.

Also: why does the black lady not even get to be a Mexican? White guys get to be Mexicans, but not black ladies? Let Jay Lane be a floating head; he is a bad influence on Jeff Chimenti and does not deserve to be any sort of Mexican, let alone a Mariachi Mexican. (The Mariachi suit is the southern equivalent of a Mountie’s uniform: the single coolest piece of clothing allowed a man in that particular culture.)

The very definition of White privilege is denying black ladies the right to be Mexican guys.

Also, Phil is having the busboys do the Photoshopping for the Insta feed.

Let’s just put all this silliness away in the problem Attic, shall we, and instead enjoy Radio Busterdog streaming from the free–seriously!–show at TXR this evening. Phil and his Phriends are playing and maybe if you ask real nice, they’ll play the Creature Cantina song in honor of Star Wars Day.

Questions For Jeff Chimenti On The Occasion Of His Crime Spree

  • Seriously, how do you get arrested for weed in 2015?
  • That’s not the real question, is it?
  • How does a white guy get arrested for weed in 2015?
  • You didn’t get mouthy with the cop, did you?
  • Lippy?
  • Give him that patented Chimenti Backtalk?
  • Anyway: regardless of all our fun and games, you shouldn’t be driving while you’re stoned.
  • (I guess, mostly. You kinda have to say that, don’t you, even though YOU TOTALLY CAN DRIVE STONED.)
  • So, I hope you weren’t hot boxing your rental.
  • I also hope you weren’t hot boxing your rental because the two of you are 46 and 50 years old and just shouldn’t be hot boxing anything at this point.
  • Did your silvery mane not come with wisdom, Jeff Chimenti?
  • Did you at least make the side proud with the marihuana?
  • Was it the stickiest icky?
  • The stankest dank?
  • If it was the dank, was it the diggity dank?
  • After handling it, did you have to wash your hands?
  • When the cop came up to the car, why didn’t you seductively lower the zipper on your jumpsuit to reveal your bodacious tatas?
  • Why didn’t you bounce on the devil, and put the metal to the floor?
  • Did you try crying and offering to blow the officer?
  • Would you like to blame this all on Jay Lane?
  • Wouldn’t it feel better to blame this all on him, Jeff Chimenti.
  • Have you ever thrown anyone under the bus before?
  • Maybe you would like doing it: try it.
  • Maybe you should blame this all on Jay Lane.
  • Will you still be available for the tour which has not been announced but anyone with an IQ over 40 knows is happening?
  • Or will you be in prison, Jeff Chimenti?
  • Do you know how to shank a guy, or make a rotting grapefruit into a citrus-vagina?
  • You should learn.
  • If you have to join a gang on the inside and get some racist tattoos, we will understand.
  • You should not get them tattooed on your face, though.
  • I don’t care how well you can play the B3, if you have a giant swastika on your face, then you can’t be in the band.
  • When you came out of the jailhouse or police station or wherever, were the other Grateful Deads standing there with gifts and yelling about how “You popped your cherry!”
  • (Please don’t think that’s a joke about your Italian heritage: I just really like Goodfellas.)
  • (Although, all of you greasy pizza-dicks do have mob ties in real life.)
  • Is this going to lead to flakka?
  • Do not do flakka, Jeff Chimenti.
  • That is not the Grateful Dead thing to do.

As Was The Custom Of The Day, They Did It All For The Nookie

jeff chimenti young2Suspicious smile, son.

“Aw, man. How’d you get here? It’s 1996.”

Everything happens simultaneously.

“Right. I guess.”

You look like a Mexican woman.

“I have a goatee.”

I stand by my statement.

“Did you chase me back to the Clinton years just to make fun of me?”

No, no: I’ve decided this Ray Spain is a bad influence on you and that’s gonna be it for that relationship, okay?

“Jay Lane.”

Whatever.

“I’ve known the guy forever.”

Billy’s known he has herpes forever. Doesn’t make it right.

“Jay’s a good guy. You wanna meet him.”

Yeah, I’ll give him a piece of my mind. Where is he?

“He’s in the yellow shirt.”

10608788_809315695779381_7568577804621694548_oOH, HELL TO THE NO.

%d bloggers like this: