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A Partial Transcript Of Jeff Sessions’ Senate Testimony, 6/13/17

“Attorney General Sessions, place your hand on the Bible.”

“I’ll put my whole body on the Bible. Love that book.”

“Repeat after me. I, Jefferson Beauregard Darkyhater Sessions. Wait. Darkyhater?”

“It’s a family name. Let’s just get to my opening statement. I’d like to thank the honorable and distinguished gentlemen of the Senate for inviting me here, and also acknowledge Kamala Harris’ presence. Let me state equivocally for the record that I have never been on a fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. I believe this whole hearing is illegitimate, and only touched off by Senator Franken tripping me up with his Jewish word-magic. The second I saw the texture of his hair, I knew he was trouble.

“I accuse this committee of racism against the Russians, and if anyone in here could spot racism, it’s me. It’s like in those movies where they send a thief to catch another thief. I have never had any conversations with any Russians, with very few exceptions, and I have never met with any Russians, to the best of my recollection. I think.

“Those that who I have colluded with a foreign nation against the United States are propagating falsehoods, like James Comey. This administration has been cleared of any wrongdoing several times, by James Comey.

“I look forward to your questions except for Kamala Harris.”

“Senator from North Carolina Richard Burr. B-U-R-R. Hey, there, Jeffy.”

“Dicky, how you doing? How’s your family and them?”

“They fine.”

“You tell ’em I asked about them.”

“I sure will. Attorney General Sessions, let’s get to the most important matter of the day: what did Loretta Lynch discuss with Barack Obama on that plane?”

“I would assume that was where their plot to bring down the Trump presidency began.”

“It just makes sense. Next question: how much greater is America now than a year ago?”

“At least six greater. Maybe seven.”

“Beautiful. I yield my time.”

“Senator from Oregon Ron Wyden. W-Y-D-E-N. General Sessions, what can you tell me about the Mayflower?”

“It was a stout and seaworthy ship.”

“The hotel, sir.”

“Not as seaworthy.”

“Mr. Sessions, you were asked about meetings with Russians during your confirmation hearings. You gave incorrect answers in both your spoken and written answers. Even after updating your responses with what you claimed was the truth, you still left out a meeting with Ambassador Kislyak at the Mayflower Hotel.”

“I did not leave out anything, sir. What happened at the Mayflower was not a meeting. It was a cocktail party.”

“A cocktail party?”

“To the best of my recollection.”

“And what happened at this cocktail party?”

“I do not recollect.”

“Any of it?”

“I had too many cocktails. It was a party.”

“Attorney General, you are being less than cooperative.”

“Stop telling those dang lies about me. This is a witch hunt.”

“Let’s talk about your conversations with President Trump.”

“Y’all are witch-hunting him, too, and he is not a witch. President Trump is strong and courageous, and it’s an honor and a blessing to be allowed to testify in front of Congress for him.”

“When did you first discuss the firing of James Comey with the president?”

“I’m not going to answer that.”

“Why not?”

“Don’t wanna.”

“That’s not how this works.”

“You could say that about so many things right now. Still, though: not saying.”

“Are you invoking the Fifth Amendment?”

“No.”

“Executive Privilege?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Then why won’t you answer the question?”

THBBFF

“Did he just raspberry me? What the fuck is going on?”

DING!

“I yield my time.”

“I’m here! I’m here! I’m ready for more questions with question time! The Diamondbacks game ran late and I got lost twice. Senator from Arizona John McCain B-A-L-O-G-N-A.”

“Hello, Senator.”

“President Comey! You’ve shrunk!”

“I’m Attorney General Sessions.”

“Do you think we should get this hearing room repainted?”

“Sure.”

“If Hillary Clinton was being investigated by her own investigations, then why didn’t President Trump have anything to do with carousels?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“Stop stonewalling.”

“I’m not this time. I legitimately have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m a maverick.”

“Okay.”

“Those Russians, though. Nasty fellows. You hanging out with Russians?”

“No.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“Good enough for me. My wife looks forward to working with you. I yield my time.”

“Senator from California Kamala Harr–”

CHAIRS THROWN BY OLD WHITE MEN NOISE

“Shut the FUCK up!”

“I will beat the manners into you!”

“I’m a maverick!”

DING!

“Senator from Oklahoma Tom Cotton. C-O-T-T-O-N. Attorney General Sessions, do like spy movies?”

“I do, Senator.”

“Do you like ’em a little, or do you like ’em a lot? I mean, really like ’em? Do you like spyyyyyyyy movies?”

“What? Yes. Yes? Jesus, I just wanna lock up coloreds and do my yoga. Y’all are crazy. Leave me to my work.”

“Spy movies.”

“Sure, yes.”

“I yield my time.”

“Senator from California Dianne Feinstein. F-E-I-N-S-T-E-I-N.”

“Ugh, it’s even more Jewish when you spell it out.”

“Mr. Sessions, I would like to ask you about your conversations with the president in regard to James Comey’s firing.”

“We already did this.”

“We didn’t. You refused to answer any questions.”

“I did, and in addition I delivered a raspberry to that filthy leaf-person from Oregon who was bothering on me. I believe he has a mongrelized way of thinking.”

“Can you give me the name of any statute that would allow you to decide which questions you want to answer and which questions you don’t?”

“The Mind-your-own-beeswax statute.”

“What? Are you refusing to answer because of Executive Privilege?”

“Yes and no, but I reserve the right to change that to ‘yes or no’ in the future.”

“Explain yourself.”

“The president may decide to declare a conversation privileged in the future. I’m defending his right to invoke his right. Proxy right of privilege.”

“Are you really a lawyer?”

“Top one in the country, officially.”

“Explains a lot.”

Alternate Jeff Sessions Excuses

  • “Oh, the Russian ambassador? I thought you said the Prussian ambassador, whom I still contend that I have never met.”
  • “I believed that the question was directed to a different racist.”
  • “There was, in my opinion, a good chance that Senator Franken had taken some pots before the hearing, and–in my fear of what he might do to me while high on said pots–I misremembered.”
  • “I forgot to make the finger-quote gesture to indicate that I was saying ‘no’ sarcastically.”
  • “Who better to prosecute the Russians than someone who really knows them, right? Right?”
  • “I was distracted thinking about the four soldiers that Hillary Clinton ate in Benghazi.”
  • “Senator Schumer has eaten blintzes many times; how come he’s not in trouble?”
  • “Listen, I can’t keep track of every Russian spy I have secret meetings with.”
  • “In addition to Senator Franken’s marihuana abuse, I was also very distracted by his hair. It has a specific type of curl to it that I found very familiar.”
  • “This is, somehow, Obama’s fault.”
  • “What’s a little treason between friends?”

Somebody Has To Do Something, And It’s Just Incredibly Pathetic That It Has To Be Us

A quick recap of the events of the evening for those who get their news exclusively from TotD. (By the way: you should not do that.)

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III from Selma, Alabama, is the Attorney General of the United States of America, which is an important job. The AG of New York City only shows up at the end of episodes to make wry observations, but the AG of the U.S. puts in a full day. He is also a frothing racist and sharp as a damp pillow, but these are not the new revelations; both of those things have been known for a very long time to the general public.

Fun fact: Jeff Sessions was nominated by Reagan in ’86 to be a District Court judge, which requires Senate confirmation. He was only the second nominee not to be confirmed in 48 years, according to Wikipedia. Less fun fact: a decade or so later, now-Senator Sessions joined the very Judiciary Committee that turned him down. The best and the brightest, Enthusiasts.

Jeff’s recent confirmation hearings were no less contentious. You may remember the part where a turtlemonster told Elizabeth Warren to shut her bitch mouth before he shut it for her. There was also a letter introduced into the record by Coretta Scott King, who is one of very few people left alive that know what Martin Luther King’s dong looked like. None of it mattered: 52-47 in favor.

But a hero will rise.

We were so distracted, Enthusiasts, by the shiny racism that we did not notice the junior Senator from Minnesota breaking his block and veering around the line with his eyes locked dead on the ratfaced little mongrel playing quarterback.

This was Al Franken’s question to Jeff, who was under oath.

And–as you may have figured out from the fact that we’re discussing it–this was not the truth. It has been revealed today that Jeff Sessions did indeed communicate with the Russians, specifically the Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. Twice, actually. Which makes the answer he gave perjury.

This is Al Franken:

The story doesn’t stop there, though: just as Jeff met with his Commie buddy twice, he also perjured himself twice. The second time was in an answer to written questions sent to him by the senior Senator from Vermont.

Pat Leahy has been a United States Senator for 41 years. He’s a bit of a ham; he likes to be in movies, and he even had a line in The Dark Knight Rises. He also likes music.

This is something he wrote for Roll Call:

Far be it from me to speculate on an underground network of Deadheads in the Intelligence Community, but I now believe that there is an underground network of Deadheads in the Intelligence Community. Was Jeff Sessions set up like a bowling pin? Did Franken have an ace of spades behind his ear? Did Leahy something something Dead lyric?

Who knows? For now, though, the Grateful Dead will keep on trying to save the world, and damn the torpedoes.

Possible Subjects Discussed By Jeff Sessions And The Russian Ambassador

  • Jesus.
  • How does the Astros’ bullpen look this year?
  • Marihuana and its lethality.
  • Big furry hats. (Russian Ambassador: pro. Jeff Sessions: con.)
  • Putin’s nipples. (RA: pro. JS: also pro.)
  • Homosexuals, and the things that should be done to them.
  • Christ.
  • The theory that the Melungeon people of the Blue Ridge Mountains are actually the descendants of the Lost Colony of Roanoke.
  • Which fish is the scariest. (RA: cybernetic sturgeon with a machete. JS: no opinion.)
  • The Mpemba effect, which stipulates that hot water freezes faster than cold water.
  • Memes.
  • Who really won the 1972 Olympic basketball final. (RA: Soviet Union. JS: does not follow negro sports.)
  • Gladiator movies.
  • Weather.
  • Family.
  • Health.
  • I can’t think of anything else these two might have discussed.
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