Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jenkins (page 1 of 4)

He Read The News Today, Oh Boy


“Yes, President Putin?”

“You see this shit?”

“You could be referring to so many things, sir.”

“Dummy talked to the New York Times again.”

“I know, sir. We took turns reading it out loud at lunch.”

“How’s your borscht sitting?'”

“Honestly? Not well.”

“Me, neither. Have the cook poisoned.”

“Yes, sir.”

“This is the transcript. It’s so much better. This shit is bananas.”

“B-a-n-a-n-a-s, sir?”

“That song was a banger, Jenkins.”

“Yes , sir.”

“C’mere and read this to me. I wanna make sure my eyes haven’t lost their mind. This paragraph can’t have come out of the mouth of someone who controls nuclear weapons.”

“I don’t have my reading glasses, sir.”

“I do. You know why?”

“The leash.”

“Best invention ever. Glasses are always there. Do I have to buy you one?”

“No, sir.”

“Here. Last time I’m lending you mine.”

“Thank you, sir. Ahem.”

McCabe’s wife. She got $700,000, and he’s at the F.B.I. I mean, how do you think that? But when you say that — and think about this for a second. I don’t think — you could give me a whole string of new information. I don’t think I could really have — there’s only so much. You know, you can only say many things. After that it gets boring, O.K.? How can it be better than deleting emails after you get a subpoena from the United States Congress? Guys go to jail for that, when they delete an email from a civil case. Here, she gets an email from the United States Congress —

“Yeah, that’s what I thought he said.”

“I have no idea what he means here, sir.”

“The general thrust is that he’s picking a fight with the FBI.”

“Hachi-machi, that’s a terrible idea.”

“Right up there with writing an expose on me.”

“Oh, speaking of which: I solved that problem for you.”

“The tall problem or the problem with the beard?”

“Tall one.”

“Good, thank you. Solve the beard problem, too.”

“Wheels are in motion, sir.”

“See, this is how a government works.”

“Efficiency above all, sir. You see the new Spider-Man movie yet?”

“Aspirational filth, Jenkins.”

“Aunt May’s hot now. Marisa Tomei.”

“Ooh, Marisa Tomei. Maybe we’ll go later. Now read this part.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And do the voice. You do the voice good.”

“I do the voice the best, no one does the voice better than me, many people have told me this.”

“That! I love that! Read it like that.”

“Yes, sir. Ahem.”

And nothing was changed other than Richard Nixon came along. And when Nixon came along [inaudible] was pretty brutal, and out of courtesy, the F.B.I. started reporting to the Department of Justice. But there was nothing official, there was nothing from Congress. There was nothing — anything. But the F.B.I. person really reports directly to the president of the United States, which is interesting. You know, which is interesting. And I think we’re going to have a great new F.B.I. director.

“Fuck me with a maryushka dildo.”

“Is that a dildo with multiple smaller dildos inside it, sir?”

“Obviously. Keep up.”

“Yes, sir. President Putin, I am not a scholar of American history, but I do not believe the part about Watergate is true.”

“Jenkins, surely you’re not suggesting that the President of the United States doesn’t know how his own government works.”


“Dude, I’m having the best fucking year.”

“It’s like you’ve hit every green light for a thousand blocks in a row.”

“Right? But, hey: a lot of people contributed to this.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Have them all murdered.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Ooh, ooh, read this part. It’s just the tits.”


“And do the hand thing.”

“Yes, sir.”

No, I think that’s a violation. Look, this is about Russia. So I think if he wants to go, my finances are extremely good, my company is an unbelievably successful company. And actually, when I do my filings, people say, “Man.” People have no idea how successful this is. It’s a great company. But I don’t even think about the company anymore. I think about this. ’Cause one thing, when you do this, companies seem very trivial. O.K.? I really mean that. They seem very trivial. But I have no income from Russia. I don’t do business with Russia. The gentleman that you mentioned, with his son, two nice people. But basically, they brought the Miss Universe pageant to Russia to open up, you know, one of their jobs. Perhaps the convention center where it was held. It was a nice evening, and I left. I left, you know, I left Moscow. It wasn’t Moscow, it was outside of Moscow.


“No idea, sir.”

“I mean: what?”

“Something about Russia.”

“Well, that’s everything lately.”

“Seems like it, sir.”

“Jenkins, I might come to regret saying this, but I am getting tired of all this winning.”

“I see what you did there, sir.”

“You saw that?”

“I did.”

“Sir, there’s nothing actually linking you to him, is there?”

“What, like evidence?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Jenkins, he’s the moron, not me. There’s nothing connecting us at all.”

“Oh, good.”

“Just every single person surrounding him.”

“That’s what I thought. Just checking.”

“Curiosity can be an unhealthy impulse to indulge.”

“Yes, President Putin.”

“Now let’s go see Spider-Man.”


Transcript Of Donald Trump’s Private Meeting With Vladimir Putin (And Translator) At The G20

“So glad we could talk alone, President Putin. Everyone here is a loser and a hater and very fake. Not you, though. Strong and great. Cologne? You wearing cologne or is that your natural scent? Very strong and fragrant. Beautiful smell on you, President Putin.”

“Vhen ve are in private, you may call me Vladimir.”

“Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. You can call me Donald.”

“I have been calling you Donald.”

“Right, sure, great, yes.”

“English is nyet so good. Putin bring translator. Is Jenkins.”

“Good evening, Mister President.”

“Jenkins, great, wonderful. You have a wonderful translator. Very fit. I’m like you, Vladimir, all man. Love the ladies. Big pussy man. Tits are great, but pussy? No one loves pussy like me with maybe the exception of you, sir. But this translator? Very fit. Good choice you made.”

I have no idea how to translate what he just said, sir.

“I got most of it. I think Dummy wants to fuck you. Or me.”

Jesus, sir, what color is he? Up close, it’s inhuman.

You’re telling me. First time I met him, I nearly did a spit-take. Okay, tell him that I thank him for his compliment or some bullshit like that.”

“Mr. Putin thanks you for the kind words, President Trump.”

“Wonderful, great, beautiful words.”

“And would like the two houses in Maryland that President Obama illegally seized returned to Russia.

Jenkins, stop free-lancing.”

Hundred rubles says he goes for it.”

You’re on.”

“Absolutely! Obama was very unfair to you and also very black. Two bad things! Either one is bad, but both is disgusting. The worst president we’ve ever had, and probably tried to have you murdered many times. They’re yours. Done, boom. Next?”

Jenkins, I owe you a hundred.”

Had a hunch.”

See what else he’ll go for.”

“President Trump, there is also issue of sanctions. Perhaps meeting could be scheduled to discuss a path forward in friendship.”

“We can do this. It’ll be easy, we could do it quick. Can you lift sanctions by a tweet? I could do it right now.”

Did you just say ‘path forward in friendship?'”

Yes, sir.”

“Jenkins, you’re a funny motherfucker.”

Watch this.”

“President Trump, Mr. Putin admires your necktie.”

“Here you go. It’s yours.”


“Spaceeba, Donald.”

“That means ‘Thank you,’ Mr. President.”

“Great, fine, wonderful language. Long history, the Russian language, which many people don’t know. Didn’t show up last week. You’ve got a whole history there.”

What the fuck is he talking about?”

No idea, sir.”

We both speak English, right?”

Quite well, Mr. Putin.”

Well, that’s not fucking English.”

“No, sir.”

“Mr. Putin appreciates your interest in Russian culture.”

“Very interested, yes. This is great, much better than Washington. Nothing gets done there, zip, nothing at all. Slow place, but that’s not why I won the greatest election of all time. I go fast, get it done, look what I’ve accomplished, so much more than any other president in the world. I do it like this, negotiating one-on-one. We can get things done, Vladimir. We can make deals.”

My mind wandered. What did he say?”

He thinks he is your peer.”

Jenkins, I’m having the best fucking year.”

“Everything’s coming up Putin. You want me to make him give you his pants?”

No. His phone.”

Gotcha, boss.”

“So, Vladimir, can we make a deal?”

“Ve already have, Donald.”



Working Undercover With A Black-Glassed Eye


“Yes, sir.”

“Come out of the bathroom.”

“I look ridiculous, sir.”

“You always look ridiculous, Jenkins.”

“Oh, yes. This is a new low for you.”

“Can’t I at least wear sneakers, sir?”

“No room in the budget. Spent everything on the Audioperambulator 3000.”


“You can walk around with it!”

“And 3000?’

“Cool-sounding number.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now, we’ll have no more boo-hooing. Don’t you boo, boy, and don’t you hoo, hoss. You’re going undercover and that’s final.”

“But, sir, is this really the best way to stop the illegal bootlegging?”

“Of course, Jenkins. You’re going to infiltrate their ranks and take the whole filthy lot of them down at once.”

“Can’t we just keep sending roadies into the crowd to cut wires and break tape machines?”

“Liability issues. Remember that bootlegger that snuck all of his equipment into the arena hidden within a wheelchair?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, the crew started dismantling wheelchairs at random.”

“Oh, that’s not good.”

“No. It turns out that people need those.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m up to my left nut in lawsuits.”

“Just the left?”

“That’s the one that hangs higher! Righty was swamped days ago.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Nope, no more treating the symptoms. We shall attack this problem at its roots.”

“But I don’t look right, sir.”

“Nonsense. You look just like a Deadie.”




“Oh, pish and tosh, Jenkins! You know what I mean! Whatever those noodle-dancing snotbags call themselves.”

“But I don’t look like them at all.”

“Of course not!”

“Oh, please don’t say–”

“They’d be expecting that!”

“–that they’d be expecting…sir, no.”

“You’ll be narcing in plain sight.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Everyone will assume you look so much like a narc, that you couldn’t possibly be a narc. The plan is half-genius.”

“What’s the other half?’

“Core exercises. The Audioperambulator 3000 weighs 55 pounds.”

“Is there any way to quit this job, sir?”


“Okay, then.”

Sign Your Name, Sign Your Name With Ink And Quill

“President Hancock!”

“What is it, Jenkins? We’re signing the Declaration of Independence.”

“Is it August 2nd already?’

“Its July the 4th, you nincompoop.”

“Ah. We’re using the children’s story version of events.”

“Of course, Jenkins. We’re Americans.”

“Not yet, sir”

“Jenkins, you scruffy buffoon, what is the meaning of your interruption?

“Well, sir, here’s the thing: are we sure this a good idea?”


“Maybe we’re not ready to be on our own.”

“Balderdash, Jenkins!”

“What if we make terrible decisions, sir? I’m not saying we shouldn’t be an independent country, but perhaps we should wait a little bit.”

“How long is ‘a little bit?'”

“Let’s give it another 300 years.”

“Jenkins, are you a dipsomaniac?”

“No, sir.”

“Enslaved by St. Vitus’ Dance?”

“No, sir.”


“I have no old-timey diseases, sir.”

“Then what in the name of the Father are you on about? We’re signing this declaration today. I brought my special quill with me. Look how big it is.”

“Very big, sir.”

“Plucked it off the ostrich myself.

“It is an enormous quill, President Hancock.”

“Sam Adams brought beer for everyone. Bitter-tasting bullshit, but still: free beer.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Plus, we have to get Ben Franklin out of here. That pervert’s knickers are coming off any second.”


“And they’re off. Jenkins, you are a bothersome little nitwit.”

“Yes, sir. Are you sure we can’t just wait out King George?”

“He doesn’t die until 1820, Jenkins. Have you eve heard of Ye Olde Wikipedia?”

“Sir, maybe we can be a Commonwealth. Like Canada or Australia.”

“Neither of those places exist yet, dummy.”

“Think twice about this, sir.”

“We left the thinking up to Jefferson, Jenkins. Now shut up and help me lift my quill. I’m going to sign my name so large that King George will be able to read it with his testicles! Write that down and tell people I said it, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Maybe clean it up a bit.”

“Will do, sir.”

This Is Not How Baseball Works


“Yes, sir?”

“We’re back in 2017, aren’t we?”

“It appears so, sir.”

“The horror. The horror. I liked it back in 1973.”

“It was a simpler time.”

“Lot more bush.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Men, women, carpets: much bushier.”

“Grooming standards were different, sir.”

“Had to do a lot of poking around trying to find what you were looking for.”

“I understand, sir.”

“I got my hump on in ’73, Jenkins.”

“I know, sir. You made me watch.”

“Men, women, carpets: I was a boffing boy.”

“You boffed, sir.”

“I stuck it in there. Or up. Don’t forget up. Did quite a bit of sticking it up there. Sometimes I slapped it against there. It makes a dull, wet noise.”

“I can’t get it out of my head, sir.”

“My bell-bottoms were so flared you’d think them nostrils.”

“They were capacious, sir.”

“You’d think them nostrils!”

“Sir, we’re back in 2017 now. Let’s just deal with that.”


“Definitely an option.”

“I would murder you.”

“I assumed, sir.”

“Just so that’s straight. In our relationship, you are the murder and I am the suicide.”

“The poster, sir.”


“Yes, sir.”

“How was the last one we made?”

“Weirdly beautiful in a spare kind of way.”

“There you go, then. This one should be common, ugly, and cluttered. I am the decider!”

“You’re quick with your rulings, sir.”

“Dubya said that. The decider business. George W.”

“I recall, sir.”

“Let’s go back in time to 2004 and laugh at all the people calling him the worst president ever.”

“That sounds depressing, actually.”


“Or we could go to the hibachi place.”

“Where they throw the shrimp in your mouth?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I have decided to go with your idea.”

Good decision, sir.”



“Yes, sir?”

“Did reality just hiccup?”

“I think we may have had a Time Blip, sir.”

“Y’know, just because you capitalize a thing doesn’t make it a thing.”

“Regardless, sir.”

“When are we?”


“Nice. Let’s go get Quaaludes.”

“Maybe later, sir.”

“1973. Ooh, this is exciting. Jenkins, you have no idea how sexist I’m going to be.”

“I think I do, sir.”

“Probably. But I won’t be yelled at for my actions in ’73. Good God, am I going to honk some boobies. Also systemic oppression, but I’m more excited about the honking. Gonna lude up and grab strange titties, and if she gets mad, everyone will tell her to stop being hysterical.”

“I’m still not seeing a difference between the eras, sir.”

“Can’t get ludes any more.”

“I was talking about the sexism, sir.”

“No sexism anymore, Jenkins. We elected a black man, so therefore women are equal. That’s science.”

“No, sir.”

“Political science.”

“Sir, don’t honk strange women’s boobs.”

“How else will the women know they’re attractive?”

“Sir, despite the chrono-shift, we still have work to do.”

“Boob-honking isn’t work, Jenkins. Not how I do it.”

“The poster, sir.”

“Poster! Now, you’re sure we’re in ’73?”

“Do we have a newspaper?”

“WUXTRY! WUXTRY! Read all about it!”

“There’s a paperboy right there, Jenkins.”

“How fortuitous. One, please.”

“Here ya go, mister.”



“Sir, you didn’t need to shoot the paperboy. I had the dime.”

“But now you have the paper and the dime.”

“Ahem. Yup, we’re in 1973. Just look at these stories: President of the United States is an amoral, dangerous lunatic in serious legal trouble; racial tensions are high; Prince Charles is sitting around waiting for his mom to die. Yup, 1973.”

“Such a different time.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, as long as we’re not in 2017, the posters don’t have to be hideous, do they?”

“No, sir.”

“Well, then. Hire an artist.”

“Gladly, sir. Any ideas?”

“Not ugly.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And figure out a way to work the word ‘fabulous’ in there.”

“Yes, sir.”

Cleveland, City of Light, City Of Magic


“Yes, sir?”

“How’s the Cuyahoga fire coming?”

“It was put out 45 years ago, sir, and several federal agencies were created to make sure it didn’t happen again.”

“I don’t like that, Jenkins.”

“I’m shocked, sir.”

“Fedzilla stomping all over my right to set a river on fire.”

“Not a right, sir.”

“Turning the children into wieners, Jenkins. Soft little wieners. Does a youngster good to see a flaming river every once in a while. Teaches them that life is a battle. Where I grew up, there was a lake that used to coldcock passers-by. Town pool robbed several banks. Bodies of water were tougher back then.”

“Yes, sir.”

“A water fountain touched my sitting-button, Jenkins.”

“Sitting-button, sir?”

“My asshole.”

“Yes, sir.”

“It was pretty much just a bidet, though. Never felt so fresh back there. Ah, nostalgia.”

“Sir, the poster?”


“Yes, sir.”

“Let’s just do words. Why don’t we print John Mayer’s latest interview?”

“Has he just done one?”

“The answer to that question is always ‘yes.’ John Mayer has always just done an interview.”

“He’s voluble, sir.”





“One more college word, and I slice you in twain, Jenkins. I will twain you.”

“I don’t know if an all-text poster would work, sir.”

“Fine. No text.”

“We do need to mention the name of the band, sir.”

“Why? The metric shit-ton of bears, roses, turtles, and skeletons we’ve been slathering these things with doesn’t let everyone know?”

“Legal purposes, sir.”

“I went to law school, Jenkins.”

“I didn’t know that, sir.”

“With a rifle. Most productive afternoon of my life.”

“Yes, sir. The poster.”

“Poster! Jenkins, tell me: have we made any posters this go-round that are even slightly attractive?”

“No, sir.”

“Then here is where we shall make our stand.”

“Yes, sir.”

There’s Plenty Of Room At The Bottom


“Yes, sir?”

“I’ve come to a decision.”

“About lunch?”

“I’ve come to two decisions.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Korean barbecue.”

“Was that the lunch decision, sir?”

“Bim bam bang on the money, Jenkins.”

“Thank you, sir. The second?”

“I’m going to blow my goddamned brains out if I have to spend one more second thinking about these posters.”

“Both are understandable decisions, sir.”

“I could have solved something with that time, Jenkins. World peace. Hunger. Rubik’s Cube.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Could have experimented with homosexuality.”

“Experimented, sir?”

“Lab coat, test tubes, that sort of thing. Goggles. Some of their activities require goggles.”

“I don’t know about that, sir.”

“And you can’t surface too quickly, Jenkins. When you’re down there, the nitrogen builds up in your blood. You can only rise as fast as your slowest boner.”

“You’re talking about scuba diving, sir.”

“Scuba diving, homosexuality: what’s the difference?”

“Quite a bit.”

“I’m trapped here, Jenkins! I could have been something great. I could have been president, Jenkins.”

“Sir, you’re a borderline-insane bigot with no control over your mouth whose mind wanders like a coked-up Border Collie.”


“I was halfway through the sentence when I realized the irony, sir, but I didn’t want to trail off.”

“Work ethic. Good.”

“But we really do need to get to the poster, sir.”

“Poster! Oh, God, the poster. I’m going to make a sound now, Jenkins.”

“Thank you for the warning.”


“Wonderful sound, sir.”

“I was improvising.”

“I couldn’t tell.”

“It was the sound of my soul leaving my body, Jenkins. I stand by my earlier decision.”

“That you want Korean barbecue for lunch?”

“I stand by both of my previous decisions.”

“That you’ll blow your brains out if you have to spend one more second thinking about the posters?”

“That’s the one.

“Well, sir, what if we created a poster BUT but absolutely no thought into it at all?”

“Half-ass it?’

“Sir we’ve been half-assing the whole tour. I say we cut the percentage of ass dramatically.”




“Farther, sir.”

“Do we dare?’

“I believe in you, sir.”

“So do I. Deci-ass? A hundredth of an ass?”

“Sir, sit down.”



“Did you fart when you sat down, sir?”

“Quite robustly.”

“Excellent, sir.”

“I’m prepared for your statement, Jenkins.”

“Micro-ass, sir.”

“A millionth of an ass? My sweet Lord.”


“Ballsy, Jenkins. Ballsier than a man with elephantiasis of the testicles in a sporting goods store.”

“Are you ready, sir?”

“Will I need my goggles?”


“Then, I’m ready. Let’s make a poster.”

“Bears and tie-dye.”

“DONE! And put no effort into it beyond that.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now let’s go try Korean homosexuality.”

“Why not?”

Sell That Silver Mine


“Yes, sir?”

“I had an idea! Uber, but for Dead & Company posters.”

“That’s not an idea, sir.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a sentence, kinda.”

“Jenkins, I’m tired of this poster business. Let’s sell dope.”

“You want to get into the cannabis industry, sir?”

“Industry? God, no. I want to go to the bus station and deal crystal meth.”

“Why, sir?”

“I’m beginning to find respectability irksome, Jenkins. Let’s be scum.”

“I was an Eagle Scout, sir.”

“Wonderful. You’ll wear your uniform, and I can get more money for you.”

“Sir, you cannot sell meth and pimp me out at the bus station.”

“Why not?”

“First of all, because the bus station is Pretty Cleon’s territory.”

“Oh, good point. He’s a bad mother–”

“Shut your mouth, sir.”

“I’m just talking about Pretty Cleon.”

“And two: we need to get this poster done.”

“Where are they now? Butte?”

“No, sir.”

“Lake Titicaca?”

“No, sir”

“Sloppy Pussy, Georgia?’

“Not a place, sir. Dead & Company will be playing Boulder, Colorado.”

“Not much scenery in Colorado.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“Nothing but hippies and doomsday preppers. Lot of overlap between the two groups, honestly.”

“Yes, sir. The poster?”

“Jenkins, I want you to open up your mind as wide as possible.”



“How’s this?”



“Too wide. I can see your childhood.”

“Sir, just get on with it.”

“An experiment, Jenkins! We shall engage in a grand experiment!”

“And that is?”

“Let’s see how much bullshit we can cram into the poster. Stuff everything we got in there, and then stuff in some more. Those bears should be pressed up against each other like soccer fans against a chain link fence.”

“I formally repudiate that last simile, sir.”

“Nope, you’re complicit.”

“Thank you, sir. What about perspectives?”

“I don’t trust the perspectives of ethnic people.”

“No, sir. On the poster.”

“Oh, every single perspective there is. It should be tough for your brain to process fully.”


“All of them.”



“I’ll call the boys in the art department.”

“Rather sexist of you, Jenkins.”

“You won’t hire any women, sir.”

“Oh, then that’s sexist of me. Carry on.”

Up, Up In The Air In My Acceptable Balloon


“I’m right here, sir. No need to yell.”

“No need to backhand you, either.”




“See what I did there?”

“Comedic misdirection. Delightful, sir. Well worth the slap.”

“Oh, grow a pair, Jenkins. Now, let’s get to the poster. Shoreline!”

“Shoreline, sir.”




“No, sir. Shoreline.”


“Now you’re just saying landlocked places, sir.”

“No Kabul shows this tour?”

“Maybe next summer.”

“Shame. Excellent Shakedown in Kabul. You can get anything.”

“I’d imagine, sir.”

“Literally anything. Weapons, slaves, drugs, veggie burritos. And no Nitrous Mafia.”

“You can’t get nitrous? I thought you said you could get anything.”

“Oh, you can get nitrous. I said there’s no Nitrous Mafia. Taliban executed them a few years ago.”

“I’m okay with that.”

“And their families.”

“Also okay with that. Sir, we need to get back on track.”


“Yes, sir.”

“I have an idea for this one. Old-timey.”

“Okay. Any specific movement or style, sir?”

“Nope! Old-timey!”

“Yes, sir. Bear, turtle, or skeleton?”

“Bring me my decision-making darts, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir.”



“Turtle it is, sir. Any thoughts on the font?”


“Yes, sir. You do know there are two shows, right? Shouldn’t we make two posters?”


“One poster it is, sir.”

“Quick learner, Jenkins.”

“I try, sir.”

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