THE JURASSIC PARK UNIVERSE – AROUND LUNCHTIME
“Jenkins!”
“Yes, sir?”
“I had an idea.”
“Sir, I’ve told you this a thousand times: there is already a miniature version of golf. It’s called miniature golf. It’s right in the name, sir.”
“This is a different idea, you flippant boob. My mind’s racing with them. I don’t know why people talk bad about this fentanyl. It’s rooty, it’s tooty, it’s fresh, and it’s fruity. Top notch Hero Juice.”
“Are you calling fentanyl Hero Juice now, sir?”
“Makes you feel like a damned Superfriend! Look out, I’m Green Arrow! I’ve got you in my sights!”
CHAIR THROWING NOISE
“That was a chair, sir.”
“Chair arrow.”
“You called me in about an idea, sir?”
“Ah. Yes. Jenkins, do you know anything about genetics?”
“We’re not making dinosaurs again, sir.”
“Oh, why not? They’re so cool and it’s always so much fun.”
“Because the same thing has happened all five other times we made dinosaurs.”
“Jenkins, by ‘we’ you mean DINO-REX, the Department of INternational Operatives: Resuscitation of EXtinct animals? The secret organization that was secretly behind all the other secret organizations that have created dinosaurs since the initial 1997 trial?”
“Thank you for taking the exposition, sir.”
“I felt a little bad about the chair thing.”
“What chair thing, sir?”
“Oh, there’s my Jenkins. Now be a pal and get to work on the dinosaur plan.”
“I can’t, sir. We can’t. Maybe we as a business need to pivot. What about mammoths? People would absolutely pay for mammoths.”
“Mammoths are just hippie elephants, Jenkins. They’re not sexy. No one is flying to an island to see a shaggy Dumbo. ‘Look, children. It’s lumbering over there.’ Where’s the pizzazz? No, no, no. Dinosaurs.”
“They’re going to eat people again. They’re going to get loose almost immediately and at the worst possible time, and then they’re going to eat people again. That’s their whole act, sir.”
“Not the plant-eaters. Don’t paint the duckbills with the allosaur’s brush.”
“Ah. No, sir. The plant-eaters did not eat any people. You have that right. They have, however, killed dozens over the course of the five trials. A triceratops ran through a crowd last time. That’ll kill you just as good as being eaten. And a brachiosaur straight-up stepped on a guy once.”
“Nostrils on the top of their skulls. Wild design, the brachiosaur. Let’s make a bunch of those this time. Ooh, give me a stegosaurus, too. Wait, wait! Two! Two stegosauri and I wanna watch how they do it. How do you think they do it, Jenkins?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“Carefully.”
“There you go.”
“Jests notwithstanding, that’s a calculated risk going in for the steg puss. You gotta want it.”
“Please, sir.”
“You gotta want it bad. Reminds me of my first wife.”
“Wasn’t she eaten by a dinosaur?”
“No. Wait. Yes. She was. I thought you were talking about my second wife.”
“Who was also eaten by a dinosaur.”
“Partially eaten. Not consumed. At least not the top half. We found her top half, and thank God we did.”
“A sense of closure.”
“Insurance purposes.”
“They always get out, sir. We’re trapped in a cycle of retelling the Frankenstein story. Every time we make the dinosaurs, the dinosaurs get out and behave rudely.”
“Ah, Jenkins, but who is the true Frankenstein: Frankenstein or the dinosaurs?”
“What?”
“Get to cooking! Bring me the phone that has B.D. Wong’s phone number in it. He vibes me.”
“B.D. Wong does not vibe you, sir.”
“He lets me know. Many men of his persuasion have advertised their feelings to me in a similar fashion. I thank them with a firm handshake and a pre-printed business card listing the eleven reasons I am not a homosexual.”
“You really had those made?”
BUSINESS CARD HANDING-OVER NOISE
“Oh, sir. Number one: not sexually attracted to men. Okay, I guess that’s fair.”
“I’ve experimented, Jenkins! Been to clubs in the part of town you don’t tell your mother about. I have been squeezed and fondled. Passed around like a basketball when the Globetrotters do their famous Magic Circle.”
“You never know where the ball’s going to go, sir.”
“Precisely. I was set upon. There was a gang of them, and they were the meat chunks and I was the gravy.”
“I don’t know what that means, but it’s disgusting.”
“But! No attraction. I performed sexually out of politeness, curiosity, and intoxication. And personal satisfaction, Jenkins.”
“Number two: homosexuals always telling me not to make dinosaurs.”
“Straight people, too, but I don’t have to turn down their advances. Forget about that card and focus on my dinosaurs. We need a cover story. Let’s just do theme park again.”
“No one will buy another theme park so soon. The armies of the world would send warships to bomb the island to rubble followed by drones armed with hellfire missiles. We gotta wait another decade before we pull the theme park gag again.”
“We breed them in secret and sell them to the military.”
“We’ve done that, like, three times already and the military guys get eaten. Each time. Why would an army even want a dinosaur? Wouldn’t any organization competent enough to afford the ludicrous overhead of housing, feeding, and training militarized raptors also know a squad of War Dinos was just the worst possible idea?”
“You would think! But, no. They keep coming back. I had a breakthrough, though.”
“About the dinosaurs?”
“Oh, yes. Those new islands that China just created.”
“That would create an international incident, sir.”
“Of course it would. It’s fucking dinosaurs, Jenkins. Everybody on the planet would hear about it. All the countries. Chinese Navy protects us. We promise that the dinosaurs won’t get loose in Shanghai.”
“Are they going to?”
“Immediately. I’m thinking about skipping the island and shipping the suckers straight from the lab right into the city center. In transport, of course, Stick Protocol is in effect.”
“Stick Protocol, sir?”
“We poke the animals with sticks.”
“Why, sir?”
“Angers them! Oh, it’s going to be wonderful. I’m gonna airdrop an ankylosaur on a family.”
“Won’t the Chinese be mad?”
“Oh, yes. Steaming. We’ll get Goldblum to make a speech at them, and maybe they’ll sign on for another trial. The Saudis will let us do anything we want. You know that. Madder than a rooster in handcuffs, the Saudis. They’ll build us another island. And while they’re building it, I’ll siphon off enough money to build a couple of other islands in secret and populate those with genetically-modified raptors or whatever.”
“Please don’t ‘or whatever’ genetically-modified raptors, sir. Are you modifying raptors’ genetics again, sir?”
“Again? No, I’m no doing it again. I never stopped.”
“Dammit. Stop making supermonsters, sir.”
“It’s so easy and fun! My new one can teleport up to 18 yards.”
“Jesus, don’t make that. Sir, please. Let’s use our mind-boggling science abilities to help humanity. Or let’s use them to make money in a way that doesn’t end with people getting eaten.”
“That’s every business, Jenkins. The Hoover Dam ate men! The assembly line at Ford ate men! That’s capitalism, Jenkins. It is industry and it is not some theory about the world. It is the way things are, Jenkins. Life is tough. Men get eaten.”
“Literally, sir. Literally masticated between another creature’s teeth while friends and family look on in horror. Repositioned in the mouth. Thrown back down the throat. Eaten.”
“A metaphor is the same thing as the real thing.”
“That’s a trap. That sentence is a trap and I won’t follow you down that alley. Sir: we cannot keep making dinosaurs.”
“And yet we must! Jenkins, allow me to quote from the Rabbi Hillel: If not us, who? If not now, when? Jenkins, I believe the rabbi was talking about making dinosaurs when he said those words.”
“He wasn’t, sir.”
“Damn you, boy, I’m gonna make dinosaurs and set the fuckers loose in densely-populated areas until the day I die, most likely via dinosaur. This is my destiny, Jenkins. For I am Doctor Jurassicpark, the secret villain of all the Jurassic Parks and mwah ha ha HAHAHACCCHHH.”
“You okay?”
“My cough is back. I’m gonna have a nip of Fenta.”
“Fenta?”
“Fanta with fentanyl in it.”
“Should’ve guessed.”
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