Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jerry garcia briefcase

The Briefcase of Infinite Felonies Lands Safely

Oh, holy shit, Garcia.

“What now, man?”

Did you and Brent just take a helicopter to 2009?



“We took the Time Sheath to 2009. We took the helicopter to the Alameda county fair.”


“Alameda does fairs right, man. The kids show off their cows, corn dogs. It’s just tits, man.”

Sure, right. But why did you need to go to the one in 2009?

“I like to mix it up.”

And why did you need to take the helicopter?

“Traffic, man.”


For at least one flight, that helicopter pilot was a drug smuggler.

Briefcase Full Of U.S. Blues

jerry plane briefcase 2

As all Enthusiasts know (or SHOULD know, were it not for the nefarious henchmen of Big Dead, Dwight David Lemiuex Eisenhower) Garcia’s briefcase had hyper-cubinoidal properties that could never be fully measured. (Bobby tried once but what that means is that he showed up at Garcia’s pad with a tape measure, some joints, and a dog he had befriended on the walk over. No pencil.)┬áIt was Harpo Marx’ coat, basically.

A partial list of things produced from within Garcia’s briefcase include:

  • 800 kazoos.
  • Judge Crater.
  • Fire extinguisher. (Never discharged.)
  • Zod and the rest of his radical followers.
  • Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.
  • A cygnet who had mistakenly imprinted on Garcia. The cygnet’s name was Allen. The story has no winners.
  • Hitler. Garcia’s briefcase occasionally Bluetoothed itself to the Time Sheath technology and would they would pull the most irritating bullshit. Like, everybody’s hanging out at Front Street and I’m not even going to mention what Night it was (Chimichanga, obvs) and a grand time is being had by all and these two semi-sentient beings of nigh-upon-infinite power decide to start calling fucking audibles. There was a SNIKT and a BAMF and the sky ripped in two with a huge sound TUCUMCARI! and then, boom: Hitler.
  • And these two idiots–who aren’t even supposed to have wills of their own, mind you–are all, “We helped,” and the Dead were all, “No, you most certainly fucking didn’t.” Then Phil choked on Chimichanga and wouldn’t you know it: Hitler gives him the Heimlich and the ‘changa goes whistling across the room and then there’s silence. (Except for Brent crying: he was scared.)
  • And the Dead are looking at one another, and Phil is absolutely torn: does he thank Hitler? The guy did just save Phil’s life. And yet: Hitler.
  • So Billy just punched Hitler in the dick and shoved him back into Garcia’s briefcase and there was the longest, weirdest meeting ever.
  • Fresh mangoes. No matter what time of year it was: Garcia’s briefcase had an unlimited supply of the ripest, freshest mangoes you’d ever taste and it was simply the creepiest smoothie you’d ever drink.
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